Chapter 16

Getting laid is a rite of passage to manhood. You become part of a not-so-secret club, walk with more of a swagger in your step, and grow chest hair. A select few even sprout hair on their back. What it basically boils down to is this: as soon as you lose your virginity, you become a man.

Who doesn't want that?

I sure as hell do. Okay, maybe not the hairy back but you know what I mean.

Don't get me wrong, Bella and I were having a great time doing what we were doing. Dry humping and all the other activities were fun, fantastic, and mind-blowing. The natural next step was sex. God, I want to have sex.

So, can someone please tell me why the hell I chickened out when given the opportunity to actually do it? What the fuck is wrong with me?

This is how it all went down. Sadly, I mean that literally.

On a Saturday morning Mom took Rosalie, Jasper and Jake to the dentist for fillings. Hey, what can I say - I have good teeth. Bella and I were sitting at the dining room table working on homework. Dad was home with the two of us but got called for emergency surgery at the hospital. He didn't think twice about leaving us unattended. Not even a warning- just a "tell your mom I'll call her later" before he was gone. I liked him in work mode because he left Bella and me home alone. That's right – alone. That never happens!

Studying was soon forgotten, and Bella and I were full-on making out in the living room. When Bella tore her lips from mine, I looked at her confused.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. In fact, everything's right."

I raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"When's your mom coming home?"

"She said by four." It was just after two.

"And your Dad?"

"Who knows? He'll probably be gone until later tonight."

Bella smiled. "So we're all alone?"

"Uh, yeah? It's nice and quiet, huh?"

She nodded before kissing me again. Meanwhile her fingers worked on unbuttoning my shirt. I broke the kiss, confused.

"Uh, what are you doing?"

"Edward, we're home alone. We could…you know."

I admit, for a second I was clueless…then it hit me.

Bella wanted to have sex.

With me.

Holy shit!

I practically ran with her upstairs to my room.

"Wait!"

"What?" Bella's turn to look confused.

"Can you give me a minute? My room's a mess and my bed's not made and … well, I want our first time to be as close to perfect as possible."

Bella smiled at me. "Go ahead."

"Don't go anywhere! Please!"

"I won't. I'll wait right here. I promise."

I kissed her nose before I ran into my room, closing the door behind me. First, I opened my window to let in fresh air. Trust me, it was necessary. Then I kicked my dirty clothes and spunk socks (yes, I still did that) under my bed, and put the dirty dishes in my closet. I quickly made my bed and took the box of condoms out of my desk drawer and set it on my nightstand. I wondered if having the whole box out was a bit presumptuous of me, so I took out a couple and set them aside.

I tapped my index finger against my lips while I surveyed my room. It wasn't perfect but it would have to do. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Hi." Bella gave a shy wave.

"Hey." It came out sounding more like a squeak instead of a word. My heart was racing.

We just stood there staring at each other. We were never going to have sex if I didn't invite her in.

"Uh, come on in?" It came out as a question.

Bella smiled as she walked past me and sat down on my bed. I wanted to go to her, undress and kiss her everywhere before I made love to her but I couldn't move because my feet were rooted in place. My heart was pounding – so much so that I was positive Bella would hear it.

This was it. I mean this was it!

I'd wake up tomorrow morning a man - with body hair. I would walk and talk like a man, because I would be a man. Damn, I wished my dad hadn't confiscated my cigarettes because in about a half hour (or five minutes, if I was being realistic) I was going to need a post-coital smoke.

I, Edward 'The Tampon' Cullen, was going to lose my virginity.

That's when I really started holy shitting – borderline hyperventilating. This was actually happening. I was minutes away from getting my dick wet – literally. This was a good thing, wasn't it? Suddenly, I wasn't so sure. And don't get me wrong – I liked Bella a lot – loved, maybe. And sex was the next logical step. I wanted this. Didn't I? Yes, of course I did. All guys want to get laid.

So how come I felt like I was going to crap my pants? And why was my dick soft? I furrowed my brow and willed it to get hard, pronto! I thought about Bella naked, her nipples hard and waiting for my mouth.

Nothing.

I imagined her begging me not to stop, her words panted and breathy. That shit's hot.

Nada.

I brought out the big gun, the one thing that could make me hard in the middle of the crowded cafeteria at school. I thought about how awesome it was to have my fingers inside Bella, and how fucking amazing it would feel to have her wrapped around my dick.

There wasn't even an inkling of a twitch.

Oh my God, maybe I was gay!

And that's when I started dry heaving.

And…oh God!

Everything went black.

The next thing I remembered was waking up with one massive headache. Dad and Bella were hovering over me.

"Where am I?" I tried to stand up, but I felt weak and woozy.

"You're in your room. Stay there for a second, son. Get your bearings first." Dad pressed his fingers to my wrist and timed my pulse, which was still racing.

"Dad? I thought you were at work?"

And I thought I was going to be having sex.

"I was on my way when I got a call that another doctor answered the page first, so I turned around and came home."

My brain was so confused.

"Wh-what happened?"

"You passed out. Keeled right over and smacked your head on the hardwood. I was about to call 9-1-1 when your dad showed up," Bella answered, her voice thick with concern.

"Did we at least have sex first?" I tried to sit up again, propping myself up on my elbows.

Although I had no recollection of actually doing it, I thought perhaps my orgasm was so phenomenal I blacked out. Totally plausible, right? Oh please, let that be what happened.

Dad politely kept his eyes downcast. Unfortunately, Bella shook her head.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooo!"

I dropped my elbows and smacked my head back against the floor a second time. And then a third and fourth time.

"Edward, stop. You'll give yourself a concussion," Dad warned. He gave me a minute before he spoke again. "Are you okay now?"

Besides the fact that I knocked myself out before I could get laid?

"Yeah, I'm fine." I grumbled.

"Do you think you can stand up?"

I did as I was told.

"Excellent. Can you walk okay?"

I took a few steps around my room.

"I think I'm good."

"Good."

Dad smiled at me. I have to admit I was thankful that he was so caring and wasn't lecturing me. I really appreciated—

"Now you can march yourself right down to my office – we need to have a little chat."

I should have known better. Though it was doubtful Bella would be spared, I thought I'd try to save her.

"Uh, Bella, I'll catch you later." I wanted to yell "Run, Bella! Run!"

Dad wasn't down with my plan.

"Oh, I don't think so. Let me clarify, 'we' means the three of us."

"Fuck."

"Yes, that's what we'll be discussing"

I had a feeling this wasn't going to be much fun. As Bella and I walked downstairs I mumbled an apology to her.

"This is going to be bad. He has props and he knows how to use them. I'm so, so sorry."

"As long as he doesn't call my dad, we'll be okay."

Oh fuck me – I hadn't thought about that. I'd watch anal insertion a hundred times over rather than have Charlie know that we were this close to having sex.

In the office, Bella and I took our seats as Dad sat behind his desk.

"So, you've decided you're mature enough to have sex." He raised his eyebrows and stared us down. I squirmed in my seat, worried for what was to come next.

"Now, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you can't have sex."

"Sweet." I went to high five Bella before I dragged her back upstairs.

"But—"

My groan interrupted him.

"Sorry, you said 'butt' - I don't think I need to hear that speech again."

Dad chuckled and shook his head. "Let me re-phrase. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you can't have sex, however you both need to think about what would happen if Bella got pregnant."

I snorted. "That wouldn't happen – we'd use condoms and they're like 99% effective."

"Actually, they are 98% effective in preventing pregnancy. And that's only when they're used correctly. Edward, I know you've been practicing putting them on—"

Oh. My. Fuck. He did not just say that in front of my girlfriend. Kill me now.

"But do you know how often condoms break during intercourse?"

No, I didn't but I had a feeling dear old Dad was going to enlighten us.

"Too often."

Seriously? He didn't even have concrete statistics to back himself up? Lame.

"Which is why…"

Dad reached under his desk.

No. No. No. Oh God. He's not bringing out the ... Fuck.

"I'm going to show you both how to put a condom on an erect penis."

Wait a sec…

"Is that a different penis?"

I could have swore the one he used for the anal demonstration was flesh colored. Dad grinned.

"I'm glad you were paying attention. Yes, this is. I thought lime green would make things more fun."

Yes, because 'fun' was exactly the word I would use to describe this situation.

"Bella, would you prefer pink?"

"Good Lord! How many cocks do you own, Dad?"

"Personally, four. Your mom—"

Bella's retching sound thankfully interrupted him.

"Anyway, let's get down to it. Heh, heh, or up to it."

My father has a sick sense of humor.

"Bella, you're not allergic to latex, are you?"

We looked at each other, both our cheeks flaming, and she shrugged her shoulders.

"Uh, I don't know."

"Well, if after intercourse you experience any vaginal itching, burning, or swelling, you're probably allergic to latex. Come see me if that's the case."

'Come see me if that's the case'? What the fuck, Pops, really? Besides the fact that would be wrong on so many levels, I've barely seen my girlfriend's … you know. I don't think it would be very fair for you to get up close and personal. Jeez.

"For now, let's assume you aren't allergic."

Dad had me go first. Lucky me. He passed me a wrapped condom and I used my teeth to open the package, which I was chastised for.

"Never use your teeth, you could tear the condom and that would be bad. Ditto scissors or machetes. Heh, heh. That's a joke."

Gee, I was so glad he was making this less awkward.

"And it's best if you open the packaging before you get started. You may have slippery fingers and can't get a good grasp. At least, that's been my experience."

There's something called too much information, which my father is oblivious to.

"Okay, so once you have the condom out of the package you have to figure out which way the condom rolls." Dad took one out of the package and demonstrated. "To put on the condom you must be fully erect. If you need a little self-love to get you there, that's perfectly acceptable. Some may even find it a turn on."

The far away look he got when telling us that little tidbit made me feel sick to my stomach.

"It's very important that you pinch the tip of the condom. This eliminates the possibility of creating an air pocket inside it when it's worn, reducing the chance of breakage and providing the semen, you probably refer to it as 'cum', with a place to go during ejaculation."

The air quotes around the word 'cum' was disturbing.

As he lectured us, Dad continued his demonstration. Really, it was fascinating. Please know I'm being sarcastic. Someone needs to invent a sarcasm font already.

"When you roll it down the length of the shaft, smooth out any air bubbles. If the condom bags or gapes at all then you need to opt for a smaller size."

Really? Would it been so hard for him to say, "If the condom is too tight you need to opt for a bigger size." Gah!

"I suggest smoothing some lubricant over the condom as necessary. Not too much, though; a little friction is a good thing."

The wiggle of his eyebrows wasn't necessary.

"Remember though, no food products. Water and silicon-based lubricants are both safe. Now for removal…"

Five minutes later it was my turn to sheath the lime green, fully erect penis.

FYI: I nailed rolling on a condom like a pro. Told you I practiced. Bella fumbled her way through but she did just fine.

"Now, you must, I repeat must, replace the condom if alternating between different types of sex."

I scratched my head. I hated to ask questions, which I knew would only encourage him, but I was curious.

"Really? Like if I'm on top and then we switch positions?"

Dad shook his head. "No, if you're switching from anal to vaginal sex. from the rectum can cause a bladder infection in the female. Again, Bella, come see me if that's something you experience."

I just wanted to die. Really, I did. Put a fork in me, I was done. I couldn't even look at my girlfriend.

"So, do either of you have any questions?"

Bella and I both vigorously shook our heads no. Even if I did, I'd rather get my information from Google.

"Can we go, please?" I was pretty much begging.

"Not yet. Remember condoms are only 98% effective. Pregnancy is a very real possibility. I have this video…"

Of course he did.

For the full movie experience, he turned off the lights as he turned his laptop screen towards us. I half expected him to pass around popcorn. Then I could hope to choke on a kernel and die.

With wide eyes, Bella and I watched as a massive baby's head was pushed out of a woman's vagina – after something called an episiotomy. If I were a woman, I wouldn't be letting anyone – doctor or not – come anywhere near my private parts with scissors. Just sayin'.

At one point I closed my eyes because the visual alone was enough to put me off sex for a good year or two. Unfortunately, the screaming didn't go away when I had my eyes closed. It was truly awful. Finally, the horror show was over.

"God! How do people have sex after seeing something like that? Ick."

Dad chuckled and I was left wondering if that was all part of his master plan.

"Now can we go?"

He shook his head. Fuck me. He brought out his medical textbooks.

"I'd also like to discuss sexually transmitted diseases. This is what gonorrhea, syphillis—"

"I'm a virgin!" Bella blurted the words, which successfully shut my dad up. "Yup, I'm a virgin and Edward is, too, so we don't have to worry about STD's. Wow, look at the time. I should go."

"I'll walk you home."

We were up and out of those chairs before we were subjected to any other forms of torture. I'm not sure what the worst part of the day was. Not having sex, the video, or the fact that my parents apparently had multiple erect, colored penises at their disposal.

Yuck!

For once Bella and I were left home alone
Giving us the perfect opportunity to bone

Instead, like a loser, I fainted
Before we could really get acquainted.

My dick went soft; my heart started to pound
The next thing I knew I hit the ground

Of course Dad was there when I came to
You wouldn't believe what he put us through

He brought out an erect cock - this time lime green
Trust me, that's not a good color for a peen

And he has more than one dick on hand
This I will never understand!

He had us practice putting on the prophylactic
And that wasn't his only scare tactic

Next he showed us a vaginal birth
Man, does a va-jaj-jay have a lot of girth

Dad's tactics worked, I'm scared for life
I probably won't have sex til I have a wife

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Lolo, Maple, Cappy - I love you.