Chapter 17
What do you say to your girlfriend after your father pulls out his cock? Yes, I realize it wasn't his cock but come on, a lime green dildo is just as bad. Seriously, what do you say?
"Hey, Bella, why didn't you opt for the pink cock?"
"So, what'd ya think of the va-jay-jay stretched out like that?"
Really, there are no words. So Bella and I walked in awkward silence until we were halfway to her house. Finally, I had to say something.
"Bella, I'm so sorry. About my dad and his cocks and videos and his general weirdness."
"Yeah, that was a little…" She shook her head, at a loss for words. "I've never experienced something like that before."
"You should have been there for the anal sex speech. That was awkward. You know, I almost wished he would've used the green or pink cock for the demo because it would've been far less realistic."
"Anal sex speech?" Bella raised an eyebrow in confusion.
"Oh, my parents thought I was a gay." I shrugged it off.
"And what? Your dad was showing you how to do it? Oh my God!"
"No, no, no. He was explaining…Yeah, never mind. It was just really awkward. I threw up."
Bella shook her head, again. "No doubt. I wonder if that constitutes as child abuse?"
"Probably!"
We walked on - once again silence our companion.
"I'm, uh, also sorry for passing out. I don't even know what happened." I couldn't look at her; I was so embarrassed.
"Hey, look at me."
I dragged my eyes up.
"It's okay."
I shook my head. "No, it's not. I screwed everything up. And sadly, I don't mean that literally. Believe me, I want to have sex, it's just..." I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration.
"It's just what? You can tell me."
I took a deep breath.
"When it finally came down to actually doing it, I was scared shitless. I couldn't even get my dick hard. What the hell, right? I can't even believe I just said that but, hey, I told you I research tampons and buy my mom lingerie for Mother's Day, so why hold back now, right? Don't forget I also jerk off into socks because I'm too lazy to do it in the shower."
Bella blushed.
"Fuck, sorry. Too much information. You think I'm a loser, don't you? If you want to break up with me I totally understand."
"Are you serious? You think I'd want to break up over this?"
"I dunno. Maybe."
"Then you don't know me very well, Edward Cullen." Bella's words were curt and she started to walk away from me.
"Bella, wait!"
"What?" She spun around to face me; her brow was furrowed and lips pursed.
"Are you pissed at me?"
Bella rolled her eyes. "I'm hurt that you think so little of me."
"Gah! I'm sorry. I can't say anything right. I feel like such a moron right now."
Her face softened and she walked back to where I was standing.
"Don't." She pressed her hands to my cheeks. "I love you, Edward. I don't care if you're curious about tampons, or if you masturbate in the shower or into socks. I don't care about any of that stuff. I care about you. And if you're not ready to have sex, then I'm okay with that. I can wait. For you, I would wait."
It took a minute for her words to register.
"What did you say?"
"Look. I'm nervous about having sex, too. So, if you want to wait, I'm totally okay with that."
I shook my head. "No, what did you say before that."
"About the tampons and jerking off? Okay, I admit masturbating into a sock is weird, but whatever."
I shook my head again, grinning. "Before that. But thanks for your opinion on my masturbation practices." Honestly, a girl wouldn't understand the convenience of a sock, just sayin'.
"Uh…" Bella looked confused, so I refreshed her memory.
"I think you said you loved me."
I grinned wider when Bella didn't deny it.
"I do."
"You do what?"
Yeah, I wanted to hear her say it again.
"I love you."
"You….love…me?"
"Yes, I do."
I side-eyed her, curiously.
"You love me love me, or you love me like you love pizza?"
She shrugged her shoulders. "Well, I do love pizza…"
"Hey!" I put my hand over my heart, feigning hurt.
Bella went up on her tippy toes and wrapped her arms around my neck; my hands instinctively went about her waist, holding her close. With her eyes steadfast on mine, she repeated herself.
"I love you, Edward 'The Tampon' Cullen - more than pizza. Just hearing your voice makes a bad day better. You make me laugh, even when you don't mean to. I could stare into those beautiful green eyes of yours for hours; hold your hand for even longer. You're gorgeous, smart, funny, sexy as hell, and the nicest guy I've ever met. I've pretty much been in love with you since I was nine. So yeah, I love you, okay?"
Damn it, why the hell did my dick finally get in the game when I was standing on the sidewalk on Main Street? Where the hell was he an hour ago when I needed him? Traitor!
"It started the day we met. Do you remember? You walked into the living room at your house, wearing your Ninja Turtle undies and nothing else, and burped your way through the alphabet, not realizing I was there."
I covered my face with my hands, feeling the heat. Bella had just moved next door and Rosalie had made quick friends with her. I had no idea Bella was over when I started belching. Shame I'd been wearing Ninja Turtles because Power Rangers were more my style back then.
"Don't remind me, ugh! Although it was one of my finer performances."
"It was adorable. You're adorable." She kissed me then, her tongue probing deep. Damn, I hoped I never got tired of her kisses.
"Wait." I pulled away from her. "When we went on our first date you told me that your feelings for me just sort of happened. I assumed you meant recently."
Bella gave me a shy smile. "I've, uh, always had a mad crush on you."
"Really?"
She nodded. "Why do you think I was always over at your house when we were kids? It's not because I wanted to hang out with Rose – although she's awesome. It was because I wanted to see you. God, I used to write down in my diary what you wore every day – I was obsessed with you – still am. You know your pink shirt? I sort of sleep in it every night. So, when I said that the feelings just sort of happened, I was lying."
"Wow." I was almost speechless. "You really do like me!"
"Nope – love, Edward. I love you."
Fucking coolness.
"You keep a diary, too?" I wondered.
Bella nodded. "I do. But I won't be sharing it with you any time soon."
That certainly piqued my curiosity; I wondered what kind of naughty things she wrote in it. Bella noticed the smirk on my face and wagged a finger.
"Never going to happy, Cullen."
We'd see about that.
We started walking towards her house again, me grinning the whole way. Bella actually liked me! Correction, she loved me. And, damn it, I could have rocked her world by having sex with her, but instead I failed. I was such a dumbass.
"God, I'm so sorry I passed out before we could, you know."
"Yeah, that was a major buzz kill." Bella teased. "Honestly, I'm not sure I want to have sex after seeing that birthing video. God, that was nasty!"
The visual of the whole event was burned behind my eyelids. Ick.
"Yeah, I had no idea a woman's … uh…vagina… could stretch so much. Does it go back to normal afterwards?"
Bella shrugged. "God, I hope so. Either way, I certainly don't want to be having a baby any time soon. That looked like it hurt. A lot."
"No shit."
Thank God I wasn't a woman. I'd take boners in the middle of biology class any day.
"As gross as the video was, don't you think the fact that my parents have multiple plastic cocks they play around with is worse? Oh my God! You don't think they used the one we—"
Bella held her hand up.
"Don't! Do not go there!"
I went there, and it wasn't pretty. I needed bleach for my brain and Lysol for my hands. What the fuck was wrong with my parents? That couldn't be normal!
When we got to Bella's house we sat together on her front porch. She aced her fingers with mine; my thumb stroked her hand as we talked.
"I meant what I said earlier, Edward."
"About loving me?"
It made my heart thump hard in my chest just thinking about it.
"That too. I mean about waiting."
I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Well, off my dick at least.
"God, you have no idea how much better I feel right now. I was having performance anxiety before actually performing." It felt good to admit that.
"I think that just means we should hold off. For now, at least."
I sighed. "I guess that means I go back to jerking off into socks again."
Bella laughed. "I still think that's weird, by the way."
I shrugged. That's who I was- Edward 'The Tampon' Cullen, who jerked off into sports socks. But hey, Bella was obsessed with me and probably wrote dirty little poems about me in her diary so it was all good.
It wasn't until I got home that I realized I'd never told Bella that I loved her back. Shit! That was totally rude of me! I jogged back to her place and knocked on the door. Of course, Chief answered.
"Edward." Not even a hint of a smile.
"Hi, Chief. Is Bella here?" I tried to look past him but he stood his ground.
"She's in the shower."
A picture of a wet, naked Bella popped into my head. Bubbles from her shampoo sliding down her boobs, her nipples—
"Ow!"
For good measure, Chief smacked me over the head a second time.
"That's my daughter you were having lewd thoughts about, Cullen."
"They weren't lewd, sir. Okay, maybe a little, but I don't always have a filter. Sometimes— Ouch!"
After he smacked my head a third time he looked at me expectantly.
"What did you want with my daughter?"
Heh, heh. That was a loaded question.
Chief crossed his arms over his chest and I stopped smirking.
"I forgot to tell her something."
"I'll pass a message on for you."
"I…uh…"
Shit. Should I come out and admit to Chief that I was in love with his daughter? Would this be the time I ask for her hand in marriage? Oh God, I was going to pass out again – this time from fear!
"Edward?" Bella came to the door, her hair still wet and tied back in a low ponytail.
"Oh, thank God! Sorry; no offense, Chief."
"Dad, why didn't you tell me Edward was here?"
"I was just about to. I'll leave you alone, but I'll be watching." I still think he had hidden cameras around.
Bella came out onto the front porch, closing the door behind her.
"Are you okay? You're sweating buckets."
"Your dad scares the bejeezus out of me."
"Awww. He really is a softie on the inside."
I snorted. I'm sure he was, unless you're the guy who's dating his daughter, and then he was as cold as ice.
"Why are you here? Did you forget something?"
Suddenly nervous, I nodded and wiped my hands on my jeans.
"I wanted to tell you that…that I love pizza, too."
Bella looked at me like I was crazy.
"I mean, I love you. More than I love pizza. You're 90 per cent why I get up in the morning."
"Okay. I have to ask – what's the other 10 per cent?"
I shrugged. " 'Cause I have to pee."
Bella laughed, and I realized that wasn't exactly romantic. Shit.
"Let me try this again. Bella, I love you. I love the way your hair smells when your head's tucked up underneath my chin. I wish more things smelled like you. Like all my clothes, or some of my clothes, at least. And for sure my pillow. I feel comfortable being myself around you – you're like the sweatpants of my life. You are the milky to my way, the star to my burst, the milk to my duds—"
"Edward, are you hungry?" Bella asked.
"Actually, I kind of am. How'd you know?"
She smiled. "No reason. Go on."
I reached for her hand. "What I'm trying to say is that you're the person I love. Like, a lot."
Bella's lips crashed hard against mine, knocking me backwards. We fell onto the porch with a thud, Bella landing on top of me. It was totally hot and instantly made me hard. Damn!
Of course, the door flew open and Chief loudly cleared his throat. Bella clambered off me in a hurry, but not quick enough apparently. Chief's eyes zeroed in on my face first, then my very obvious boner. He grabbed me by my shirt and pulled me upright.
"What the hell's going on here?"
If it wasn't for my boner I would've pissed my pants. See? There's always a bright side. I may have been afraid of Chief but I wasn't too scared to profess my love.
"I just told Bella I love her, and she was showing her appreciation."
Chief snorted.
"You're 15, what do you know about love? I'm 40 and still don't know."
"With all due respect, sir, maybe you just haven't found the one yet."
"And you think you have? In my daughter?" He added in a snort and rolled his eyes.
I thought I saw fear flicker across Bella's face as she anticipated how this was going to go down. As much as her father made me want to crap my shorts, I wasn't ashamed of my feelings.
"Yes, I do. She's …" I had to choose my words carefully so I wouldn't piss him off - that was the last thing I wanted. I needed to speak directly to his heart so he would know I was sincere about his daughter.
Aha! I knew just what to say.
"Bella's like the hole to my donut."
I was proud of myself. Who doesn't like donuts? And Chief was a cop, surely he'd appreciate—
"She's the HOLE to your DONUT?"
His fists clenched at his side, vein in his forehead throbbing. It took me a second to realize what I'd said.
"No! That's not what I mean! She's not a hole! I like donuts; you're a cop. I thought if I spoke in your language maybe you'd understand. You know, keep it simple, stupid?"
"Are you calling me stupid now?"
I can't win for losing some days.
"Daddy, Edward was just trying to give you an analogy."
"I wasn't apologizing. I was trying to give him an example."
"That's what an analogy is, Edward." Bella explained. I noticed she'd stepped between me and the Chief, who still didn't look impressed. I needed to convince him.
"Chief Swan, I love Bella and she loves me. You may not think that's possible because we're only 15, but it's true. She gets me. Well, some things I do she thinks are weird but despite spunk socks, she gets me."
"'Spunk socks'?" Chief looked at Bella and then me for an explanation.
Great, he was another OCD-er who was a shower splooger.
"It's when you—"
Bella's eyes went wide and she shook her head vigorously.
"Never mind. The bottom line is we love each other."
The nodding of Bella's head told me I'd said the right thing. I should have stopped talking. But you already know I'm an idiot and didn't stop there.
"Oh, and don't worry - we're not planning on having sex any time soon. Nope. We totally could have today but I passed out first. Knocked myself out cold. I'm okay though; don't worry about me. I have a hard head. Heh, heh. Wrong choice of words but you know. Anyway, Bella and I talked, and we've decided to stick with the bases fully loaded but no stealing home."
I figured that should give him some reassurance.
Why did he look so angry then? The vein in his forehead was about to burst and his face was beet red. What the heck?
And why was Bella pushing me off the porch?
It didn't take me long to realize it was for my own safety.
Remember the scene from Forrest Gump? That was me – run, Edward, run! I didn't stop until I was home safe. I thought I might need to go into the Witness Protection Program.
What do you say after your dad pulls out his pretend dick?
You don't say much besides saying he is very sick.
But in the end Bella and I shared
And each of us declared
That I love her and she loves me
It's unfortunate that Chief doesn't agree
I thought telling him we were staying on base
Would keep me in Chief's good grace
But no, he now wants to hunt me down
And run me right out of town
He doesn't realize I do love her so
And will have to deal with me as her beau
And wouldn't his feathers really be ruffled
If he knew how I used a sock for the five fingered shuffle?
And why do people think that's odd
It's the perfect thing to catch your wad
Now I'm getting off topic here
So I'm going to sign off and disappear
But I'm still so excited that Bella and I are in love
Feeling like this is more than I ever dreamed of
And since we've now decided to wait
I'm signing off to go masturbate
Yes, into a sock
Go ahead and mock
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