Chapter 18
School finished, and summer flew by. I turned sixteen. Hopefully that meant I was growing out of my awkward stage.
My relationship with Bella was pretty awesome. We spent all our days together but also hung out with our friends and family – well, not Charlie. He still scared the shit out of me. I still don't get why he doesn't like me. Whateves. Anyway, we'd go to the beach and I'd play football with Jasper and Emmett while Bella, Rosalie, and Alice giggled like, well, girls. Then we'd pair off and do…stuff. Heh, heh. Bella and I had some pretty epic make-out sessions on the beaches of LaPush. The sand did pose a few problems, but I'm not fussy. I'd take a sandy make-out session over not having one, any day.
Before we knew it, it was Labor Day weekend.
Leah Clearwater, one of Bella's friends, was having a back to school party with her older brother, Seth. Conveniently, it was while their parents were out of town. Seth was a senior and one of Jasper's friends. Because it was the last weekend of summer Mom and Dad gave us an extended curfew.
Like one big happy family, the six of us all went to the party. Rose drove with Emmett while Jazz, Alice, Bella and I all went together in our car. Yes, our car - Jasper had to share after I got my license. Of course, the whole way there, Jasper gave me strict orders not to embarrass him.
Ppppffff. Like that would happen.
Except, there was alcohol.
And I'm not much of a drinker.
You can see where this is going.
So, after a few drinks I was drunk. Okay, it was three quarters of a wine cooler but that shit's potent. Plus, I'm a lightweight.
I was dancing in the living room; sadly to the song that was playing in my head and not the one that was actually on. Dancing for me is standing in one spot and moving/flailing my arms around. Don't worry, it's sexier than it sounds and I'm much better when I'm drunk.
After I accidentally smacked Bella in the head a few times she suggested we go outside for some fresh air. Pretty sure that was code for 'let's go make out'. I was totally game.
On our way out I saw Jasper looking cool as shit with a beer in hand, leaning against a doorway and talking to his buddies.
Now, I realize my brother gave me specific instructions not to talk to him or acknowledge him in any way, but I was totally chillin' with my wine cooler. Besides, on alcohol I'm far more articulate. I walked up to him and threw my arm around his shoulder.
"Bro, you're awesome. I konw we'vre had our differenhces ifn the past adn you've been a real dick tjo me but for teh most part you'vre decoent."
To my ears I made perfect sense but I've been told I slurred every word. Between you and me, I think everyone else was drunk.
Jasper glared at me while putting on a smile for his friends. "Yeah, that's great Eddie. How much have you had to drink?"
I didn't like the way he was eyeing my bottle. I clutched it possessively to my chest.
"Just one." I held up two fingers and hiccupped.
"Bella, maybe you should…" He gestured toward the door and she nodded.
"Yeah, we were just heading there."
"Wait! Wait!" I held my hands up, which caused me to lose my balance and stumble, almost spilling the last of my drink.
"I love byou man. I'm thankfjul atht we both survived the anal sexx talk. Who knew our parents were so frxeaky whti all the colored cocks, dhuh? And whkat the fuck is pegging? I wonder if I'd lkei it."
"Alright, little brother, let's get you some fresh air."
Sandwiched between Jasper and Bella, I was escorted outside. As they walked, I stumbled, planting wet kisses on both their cheeks; lamenting my love for them with every step.
I was unceremoniously deposited onto a deck chair. Jasper told me to sleep it off for a bit and he'd come get us when it was time to go home.
Heh, heh. Pretty sure 'sleep it off' was code for 'get yourself laid, bro'. I jutted my chin at him and grinned. Isn't it amazing how intuitive you can be when you have a little alcohol in your blood?
I patted the space beside me and Bella sat down on the edge of my chair. I took her hand in mine and peppered sexy little kisses up and down her forearm. Okay, they were a bit sloppy and she wiped them off but, you know, the thought was there.
"Bella, I love you. A lots. This past year with you as my girlriend has been awesomef. I love everything abowut you. You're fucking amazing. Like amazing amazngi."
"I love you a lot, too, Edward."
I leaned over, whispering in her ear, all sexy-like.
"Bella, I—"
"I'm right here, Edward, you don't have to yell."
Apparently my volume was on drunk. I tried again.
"I thxink we shozuld do it. We should have sexy times. Like right now. Here. I promies I won't pass out tuhis ztime."
To make my point I drew an imaginary X over my heart. Seriously, how cool would it be if you could actually write with your finger like that? Epic coolness.
"Don't make promises you can't keep, Romeo."
Pffff! She just needed some convincing.
I reached over and fondled her boob. It sure felt firm. That's what I loved most about Bella - she had nice, firm breasts.
"I lurve your tities."
Bella laughed as she took my hand off her arm. "Yep, you're drunk. You stay here; I'm going to go get you some water. Promise me you'll stay put."
"That's what she said." I slapped my knee. Seriously, would 'that's what she said' jokes ever get old? I don't think so.
"Pardon?"
I waved her off while laughing at my own joke. "Nothin'."
"Stay here."
Damn, bossy Bella was hot!
"Aye aye capaitn!" I attempted to salute her and poked myself in the eye. Hilarious. Perhaps I was a bit drunk.
But drunk or not, Bella and I were going to have sex! That's why she went to get me water; to sober me up so we could do it. Holy shit, we were going to do it. I was going to wake up with chest hair tomorrow.
I needed a condom. Patting myself down, I paused briefly on my junk – damn, that felt good – but still didn't find a condom. Don't worry - I didn't panic. I went to find Jasper – if anyone had condoms it would be him. It took me a bit to find him in one of the bedrooms.
Alice screeched when I flung the door open, and attempted to cover herself.
"Edward? Get the fuck out!"
"Pfffffff! Alice, I've seen boobs beefore. Yours are nothing to bke ashoamed of. A bit small but….."
I successfully ducked when a pillow was thrown at my head.
"Jasper, get him out of here!"
Testy.
"Edward, for fucks sake what do you want?
"Dude. Bella and I are going to hsave sex tonight. Me! Sex! I need ea condbom. Hey! How'd you knnow I was going to aks? There's one righht here. Thanks, bro. I loves you, man."
I grabbed the condom off the nightstand and left them alone. I'm pretty sure I closed the door when I left, but I'm not positive...
"Edward! I told you to stay put. Sorry, guys." Bella grabbed my arm and closed the door, so I guess I did leave it open. Ooops.
I proudly held up the condom as Bella brought me outside.
"I gots us protection."
"Come on. Let's go lay down in the grass over there."
It took me a few uncoordinated seconds to stumble over to a corner of the yard but once we did, damn, it was perfect. I was on my back, arms and legs stretched way out; Bella at my side.
"Bella, look at the syk. It's all purple and blue pand awe-some." I paused to hiccup. "Pardon me. See how fast the clouds aer spinning? Fucking beautiful. Lijke you. You're . Hthis is going to be perfect jfor our fitrs . I kjust know it."
"You should rest for a minute. You know, get your bearings first."
Damn, Bella was smart. And beautiful, did I mention that? God, she was so fucking beautiful. Her hair all long and brown and smelling so good all the time. She was looking at me with her eyes – she has two of them – and they are the most evenly spaced eyes ever. And her nose, I love that she had a nose.
"Yeah, you'mre right. I should give myself a pep talk. Cane't have Edward 'The Tampon' Cullen's dikc let me down. Again."
I propped myself up and grabbed my crotch with my right hand and gave my dick a stern talking to.
"Okay, buddy. We're going to have sex. Lkie actual sex. Let's not…oooh, that feels good, Bella. Yeah, baby, keep ruginbb."
"Edward, that's your own hand."
"Heh, heh. Damn, I'm igood at that."
Bella giggled and urged me to lie back down. Sweet, I could totally go for her on top. She started rubbing my head. Not that head you perverts, my actual head. Her fingers stretched and rubbed my scalp and I closed my eyes for just a minute.
…
…
…
The rest of the night is pretty foggy, so I'm relaying this information to you based upon the bits and pieces I remember and the photo and video evidence that Jasper and Rosalie so kindly provided. It's not pretty, and should you wish to skip to the next chapter, I wouldn't blame you.
This is the short version: I woke up in my own room. Naked, lying spread eagle and diagonally on the bed, on top of the covers; reeking of vomit. How's that for a visual?
The long version? Remember it's not pretty, so read at your own risk.
I passed out. I'm blaming Bella and her hypnotic head rubbing techniques. She's gifted. It felt amazing, and the next thing I knew I woke up in the grass alone. Still wanting to have sex, I went in pursuit of my girl.
In my drunken state I thought I could be stealthy and find her without making a scene. Apparently, I also thought in order to be stealthy I should remove all my clothes. Yes, all. Then, naked as the day I was born, I strutted to the house.
Now sober, I have come to a few conclusions.
1. When drunk, I don't strut, I stumble.
2. Walking around a party naked draws attention to oneself. Go figure.
3. It's impossible to be stealthy when you are yelling at the top of your lungs. In my defense, I thought I was whispering but apparently my volume was still set to drunk ass loser.
The first person I came across was Emmett.
"Emmett, have you sejen Bella? Ii'm gouing to deflower us tonight. Weer' going to do the funky chicken"
"Dude, you can barely stand up; it's doubtful you'll get it up. Why are you naked?"
"Duh! Bceause I'm going to yhave sex."
I may have lost my pants but I found my—
"Oh my God, Edward! Eeewww. Why are you naked?" Rosalie joined in the conversation.
Jeez, was everyone drunk? I rolled my eyes. I mean, wasn't it obvious?
"Se.x - I'm goign ot have sex."
Rosalie snorted. "With yourself?"
I attempted to flip her the bird but I have a feeling I wasn't successful.
"Come on, buddy. Let's go find your clothes. Here, put this on." Emmett pulled off his hoodie, but for reasons unknown, I refused it.
Enter Jasper and his iPhone.
Normally I'm camera-shy, but when intoxicated I apparently have no inhibitions. I'm seen smiling and posing for the camera. Jazz snapped a few (hundred) photos before Bella found me and, with Emmett's help, dragged me outside. It took both of them - I had the super strength only a drunk person has. Thank God they got me out of there - I can only imagine how much worse it could have been.
Emmett and Rosalie drove us home. I (loudly) serenaded Bella with my own version of One Direction's 'What Makes You Beautiful' on the way. In between choruses, I pawed at her and pleaded for her to have sex with me in the back of Emmett's truck. I told Rosalie not to watch and begged Emmett to give me pointers.
And then I promptly threw up in Bella's lap.
I know this information to be true because my sister showed me the video. She also shared the pictures of me, naked, tossed over Emmett's shoulder as he brought me upstairs to my room and deposited me on my bed. Now don't worry, Emmett has some weird power ove my sister and Jasper because to date, knock on wood, those pictures have never become public - I know it's because of him. Emmett McCarty is a stand up guy, no doubt.
Moral of the story: Don't drink alcohol at parties. It's laced with some nasty shit and fucks you up big time. It leaves you grounded for a month after your mom finds you naked, lying spread eagle and diagonally on the bed, on top of the covers; reeking of vomit. Not to mention I was lectured to until my ears bled with information overload on cirrhosis of the liver. The positive side - no colored dildos were involved. Not to mention the killer headache I had for two days afterwards. Having my father take me ten pin bowling certainly didn't help matters. He said I had to learn a lesson. Believe me, I did.
I went to a party before school resumed
After one cooler the night was doomed
I was convinced Bella and I would finally do the deed
But the alcohol, my common sense it did impede
When I lost Bella I tried to find her
The rest of the night is sort of a blur
Apparently I ran around in the buff
Jasper was there with his camera, sure enough
Emmett carried me up to my room
Because too much alcohol I did consume
Mom found me, face up and spread eagle
Now I'm grounded cause drinking underage is illegal
I don't care about the hangover or naked pics
It's the second time I've let down my dick
Next time I will be sober and not pass out
I need to get laid, this is too long of a drought
Maybe soon it'll happen - God I hope it will
I'm getting tired up using the old hand drill
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