Chapter 19
Although being grounded (again) sucked there was one good thing that came from the whole experience. Remember those pictures and videos? You and I both knew Jasper would eventually show them off to anyone and everyone - and he did. Except that actually worked to my advantage. According to most of the girls, and even some of the guys - I'm packin', baby. I guess since Jazz and I last measured certain parts of me have grown - go me! I should have been embarrassed by my actions - and I still was for barfing on Bella - but I was actually kind of proud of my package.
So, yeah I'm a bit…quirky. And, I have a few…issues. Even I can admit that wanking off into a sock is a bit weird. Convenient, but weird. You've invested enough time here that I think you should know a few more strange-but-true Edward-isms.
For starters, I hate public restrooms. Loathe them, actually. Peeing in a public urinal? Oh, I don't think so. The urinal cake is a nasty cesspool of piss from random guys. I'm pretty sure Jasper's mission in life is to break one of those pucks with one continuous stream. Jazz has all but begged for a urinal at home to achieve his goal. No, thanks. Besides, I like to sit when I take a leak. It's not because I'm lazy or have bad aim. The truth is I like to take a time out once in a while.
And did you know that 90% of craps taken in a public restroom are diarrhea? It's a fact. Gas station toilets are the worst! They are a wasteland of desperation and diarrhea. I think I'd rather piss my pants than use a gas station toilet. And there's absolutely no way I'd ever go number two anywhere but in the comfort of my own home. All those asses on the same seat? Ewww.
There is a point to this, I promise. What I'm trying to say, in a very roundabout way, is that other people's bodily fluids gross me out.
Which brings me to my current dilemma.
Let me backpedal just a bit.
After I turned sixteen, I got my drivers license. Jasper had to share the car with me; he was less than thrilled. I loved it. Having a car not only gave Bella and me a lot more freedom and opportunities but also a place to make out.
Except making out in a car certainly isn't like it is in the movies. It sure has its challenges.
Like the friggin' emergency brake. There really is no way around it poking into a vital organ like your spleen. It didn't matter how I contorted my body, I always got jabbed by it.
The steering wheel also posed a problem, and not just because it got in the way. My ass hit the horn and scared the crap out of us a few times. And once, we pressed the panic button and couldn't find the keys for ten minutes. Of course that was when we were making out in Bella's driveway. And the reason why it took us ten minutes to find the keys was because we were scrambling to get dressed before Chief came out to maim me.
Remember the car sex scene in the movie Titanic? Where the windows were all steamed up, and then Rose's hand was pressed against the glass in the heat of the moment? Hot, right? More like stifling. You get it on with a girl for 20 minutes and it's like a 24-hour fitness sauna in the car. Just a little tip I've learned: crack the windows.
Another memo, don't make out with the radio on. If a cool song comes on, you stop making out to sing along. In my defense, Miley Cyrus' new song is pretty catchy. There were a few times Bella and I had on talk radio, just for background noise. Making out to news of our depleting rainforests, global warming, or an animal abuse story is a major buzz kill.
Anyway, back to my point, making out in the front seat was challenging but we didn't care. We were just happy to have a place to mess around. And that's exactly where this part of the story begins – with Bella and me in the front seat of my car at the local make out spot.
As I leaned over to kiss her, I got smart and released the brake for ease of access. Not to worry, it was still in park.
Or so I thought.
More on that later.
"Edward?" Bella's voice was breathy against my cheek.
"Hmmmm?" I continued nibbling her ear lobe and feeling up her boobs.
"Let's move this to the back seat."
I stopped what I was doing and stared at her. We'd always stayed in the front seat. Always. Wasn't there some kind of unwritten rule that said the backseat was for doing the deed? Was she saying what I thought she was saying?
"You…you want to go back there?" I jerked my chin to the back seat.
Bella nodded as she chewed on her lower lip, and you and I both know that meant sexy times.
You can bet your ass I didn't waste any time. I may have pushed Bella out of the way to get back there first. Don't worry - I apologized.
Did you remember the e-brake was off?
I didn't.
And somehow, while climbing over the seat, I hit the gear into neutral.
And we were on a hill; a slight hill, but still.
"Shit! Fuck!" I scrambled back over the seat and yanked the e-brake up. Totally awesome that I saved the day, although it sucked that Bella hit her head on the door frame. I'm just thankful she didn't get a concussion.
Eventually, we were back to making out – and by that I mean stripping off our clothes as fast as we could.
Bella checked the time.
"We have 30 minutes until curfew; that should be enough time."
I wasn't sure if I should be insulted or not.
Who was I kidding? In 30 minutes we could probably do it twice. Maybe more.
"Okay. If you're sure?" I didn't want to pressure Bella into anything. We'd been together for over a year, and although I was ready I certainly didn't want her to feel—
"Uh huh. I'm sure."
Oh, thank you, Lord!
"Grab my wallet, I have a couple condoms in there."
Yeah, a couple. I'm an optimist.
I'm also an over-thinker.
This was happening. Bella and I were going to have sex, and this time I wasn't going to pass out from nerves or alcohol. My first time wasn't going to be in my own room or outside under the stars. It was going to be in a car. Cliché but, heck, I'd take it. It was going to be perfect. Epic. Getting my license and sharing the car with Jasper was the best thing ever.
Wait. Rewind.
I shared a car with Jasper.
How many times had Jasper and Alice fucked in the back seat of the car? I looked around with disgust. All I could see were Jasper's and Alice's bare asses imprinting on the same seat where mine was currently resting.
"Edward, are you okay? You look sort of sick. You aren't going to pass out again, are you?"
I shook my head. "No, I promise."
"What's wrong then?"
"Jasper and Alice have probably done it back here a hundred times. I may be sitting on Alice's ass print." I scrunched up my face; Bella shrugged.
"Maybe you're sitting on Jasper's side."
Ewww! My brother's ass print and possible spillage of spunk funk? That was disgusting. Speaking of, was that a white stain on the carpet? Suddenly my issues with urinals were insignificant compared to … this.
Oh God, I just threw up in my mouth.
Bella scratched her head. "We could move to the front seat? Would that help?"
"Hang on."
I leaned over and checked out the front seats looking for any…remnants…of my brother and his girlfriend.
"Do you have any hand sanitizer?" I asked Bella. She gave me a questioning look but dug into her purse and handed me the bottle. I coated the leather seats with the stuff, rubbing it in extra good. Thankfully it didn't take long to dry. We only had about 26 minutes left.
"Okay, we're good to go."
Bella and I scrambled back to the front seats. Because we were already naked, it wasn't pretty – for either one of us. But who cares? I was about to get laid. Or do the laying. Or would it be lying? Lain? Fuck it! I was going to have sex!
We quickly went back to making out – time was ticking, you know.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" I asked, secretly praying the answer was still 'yes'.
"I'm sure."
Fuckin' A.
I put on a condom and then doubled up. Trying to desensitize, ya know? I Googled it – apparently it helps. It was rather tight, but I'd deal.
We got into position, which is incredibly awkward to do in a Hyundai Elantra – there's not exactly a lot of legroom. I put the emergency brake down to give us more space. Don't worry, I made sure it was securely in 'Park'.
How we were positioned is important for you to know because it explains a lot. Stay with me.
So, because I had such long legs, I had one leg in the driver's side footwell and one on the passenger's side and positioned myself over the center console. No, it wasn't comfortable, but there was no way I was going to have sex in the same spot where my brother left his mark, so to speak. Anyway, Bella was sort of sideways in the passenger seat, her head against the window, legs open…Fuck. We had to hurry up before I came from the sight of that alone.
"I'm going to be as gentle as I can. I'm sorry if I hurt you."
Though Bella nodded, I could tell she was nervous. That made two of us. I took a deep breath.
I pushed my tip inside her very slowly.
Time: 10:36 p.m.
Oh my God. She was so tight around me. If I wasn't careful I was instantly going to combust. I stalled, thinking of anything disgusting – you know, like Jasper's run-off jizz in the backseat. Dirty urinals. Pooping in public…
"You alright?" Bella questioned.
I nodded. "Sorry."
I pushed in a little more. Bella didn't act like she was in any discomfort or pain so I went further.
Time: 10:36 and eighteen seconds.
My God! Bella was a rock star; she didn't even flinch. In fact, she smiled at me encouragingly. She must have a high pain tolerance. I went for it, burying myself in her. I gave both of us a minute to acclimate ourselves before I slowly started moving in and out. Not a peep from Bella.
Time: 10:37 p.m.
She was so tight. Wow!
It felt different than I expected. Not as warm or soft as I'd read about but I assumed the double condom changed how it feels. Tentatively, I pulled out then went back in. I was in heaven- heaven, I tell you!
Oh.
Time: 10:37 and forty-two seconds.
My.
Time: 10:38 p.m.
God.
"Unfffffffffff."
It totally wasn't romantic or poetic at all, but that was all I managed to groan out as I came.
Best moment of my existence.
I laid my sweaty head on Bella's chest. Holy shit! I wasn't a virgin anymore! I'm not ashamed to admit I got a bit emotional, and had to fight back a tear or two.
So often you hear horror stories about first-time sex. From what I found out online, no one's first experience is especially sweet or romantic, or anything that would go into a storybook. It wasn't even as awkward as I thought it would be. I'm going to be honest, I was proud of myself. Sure, it wasn't a stellar performance but three minutes for a first timer? Not too shabby!
I was overwhelmed with emotions.
Bella and I made love.
Connected on a deeper level.
Bonded in the Biblical sense.
I was a man, a—
"Are you in yet?"
Say what?
I lifted my head and stared at her incredulously. Maybe she did have a concussion from smacking her head. I was just about to ask if she was okay.
Then I looked down.
You've got to be fucking kidding me!
You see, it wasn't Bella's…you know…that I had put my dick into. It was the space between the center console and the seat.
Let me repeat that.
I put my DICK into the SPACE between the CENTER CONSOLE and the SEAT.
What the actual fuck?
Yes, I'm sad to report I lost my virginity … to a 2010 Hyundai Elantra. I humped a Hyundai for three minutes.
Fuck.
My.
Life.
And what exactly do you say to your girlfriend after that? 'Hey, Baby, was it good for you?' didn't feel appropriate. All I could do was apologize like a billion times, completely red-faced and humiliated far worse than ever before.
"Oh my God. I'm so, so, so sorry!"
Bella looked at me with confusion until she looked down. It was then that she understood what had happened and why I was so apologetic. With her dark brown eyes full of pity, she gave me a shy smile as she placed her hand against my cheek.
"It's okay, Edward."
That woman is a saint, I tell you.
"No! It's not okay. I got happy with a Hyundai. It's just … I thought I was in; I thought you were a fucking Rock Star. Shit! I can't believe I fucked up again. And not literally. I'm such an idiot. I promise I'll make it up to you." I had no idea how since I cheated on her with a friggin' car! Oh my God!
"Edward, it's fine. I'm sure it's a common mistake."
'A common mistake', yeah right. How many guys do you know who fuck a console for three minutes without realizing it? I mean, yeah, three minutes was impressive but, still. God, I was such a moron.
Unfortunately by the time I finished apologizing there wasn't enough time to try again. Third time attempting sex was not a charm. Fuck my life.
...
I swear to God that on my head is a hex
You see, tonight Bella and I attempted to have sex
We were in an awkward position
But I had high hopes and ambition
We had a minor set back to start
Kicking the car into gear wasn't smart
Once in the back seat I started to think
About a naked Jasper and his dink
I didn't want to come in contact with his spunk
Nope, didn't want my any of that near my junk
So back to the front seat we went
That's where we'd have the main event
I put two condoms on to desensitize
I thought that would be very wise
How wrong I was but you live and learn
Really, that was the least of my concern
I'm sure it's a record that I lasted so long
Before I blew my load out my schlong
Except it wasn't Bella I was fucking
Why oh why is my life always sucking?
Yes, I lost my virginity to a car
That's gonna leave an emotional scar
Is it too much to ask for some good luck
I just wanted to have a good fuck
I'm praying that we can try again soon
We need to wait for the perfect opportune
But when it happens for real it'll be great
I'll be able to make love to my soul mate
Thank you for reading and (hopefully) reviewing, lovely friends.
Again on board with pre-reading and beta work - MapleStyle, Lolo84, and Capricorn75 - I heart you hard.