Chapter 20
It had been two months since I had car sex – literally. Gah! That was awkward. At 16, I think I'd had enough mortifying moments to last a lifetime. Let me refresh your memory with a little recap.
Mastur-Gate 2013
Edward 'The Tampon' Cullen
The Bubble Gum Bust
Hipster-Ward
Massive Cock Boy and Hairless Wonder Freeze Frame
Dirty Talk Debacle
Texting and Sexting Trouble
The Journal Jeering
Fornication Fail, followed by Carlisle and his Colored Coded Cocks
'Hole to my Donut' Disaster
Fornication Fail Part Deux – Drunk and Disorderly
And the cherry on top:
The Humiliating Hyundai Hump
Seriously, what could be more mortifying than that?
What bothered me most was that I didn't lose my virginity to Bella. Okay, technically I'd lost it to a sock years ago but you know what I mean. I actually thought I'd done it, thought I'd given myself to Bella when all I'd actually done is made an ass of myself. Well, there was the positive in the situation - at least I didn't go in that hole. I think that would have been worse - for both of us. Although my Dad probably would've been proud.
I had to make it up to Bella, but how? I was too young to rent a hotel room, both our houses were out of the question, and for obvious reasons, car sex was out. I sure as hell wouldn't make that mistake again. I was toying with different ideas but I kept coming up empty.
And then God took pity on me and the fates seemed to smile upon me. Finally! Enter my Dad and his brilliant idea.
"I was thinking about surprising Mom with an overnight trip to Seattle next weekend for our anniversary. Now, I've already talked to Mrs. Yorkie and Jake can stay there for a night. I'm wondering if I can I trust you three kids home alone?"
Dad narrowed his eyes at each of us in turn.
Could he trust us? Could he trust us?
Pffffffffff. Of course he couldn't.
"Jasper?"
"Of course you can. Totally." He crossed his heart with his hand.
Cough. Bullshit. Cough.
"Rosalie?"
"Daddy, you and Mom deserve a night away."
Rose had some mad skills working 'Daddy' in there so seamlessly. And did you notice how she didn't answer the question? Very smart.
"Edward?"
Beside me Rosalie and Jasper both tensed up. We all knew I was the one who couldn't lie worth shit. If I screwed this up my siblings would kill me. I'm pretty sure they already had the party planned.
Forget the party. I wanted a party in Bella's pants, and this was the perfect opportunity. I was going to have to lie like Jazz and Rose, perhaps throw in a 'daddy' for good measure.
"Edward?" Dad pressed again.
"Uh…yeah, totally. You can trust them. And me. Us. Uh huh, you can totally trust us, Dad, Daddy."
"If this happens, and that's a big if, I'm trusting you guys to not screw this up."
Ha! Dad said screw. See? Subliminally he was okay if Bella and I did it.
"If you throw a party, I will know about it." He directed his gaze toward Jasper but pointed his finger at the three of us. "And if Emmett, Alice, or Bella spend the night I will also know about it and I will personally kick each of your asses for it. Have I made myself clear?"
"Perfectly!" Rosalie, Jasper and I answered in unison.
I duly noted that he didn't mention anything about having sex under his roof. See, more proof that Dad was cool with me getting my bone on.
A few days later, Dad confirmed that he would, in fact, be surprising Mom with a night away the following weekend. High five! Woot, woot!
That gave me 10 days to get my shit together. I needed to know everything about being romantic, and how to make a girl's first time special. Hell, I just needed advice on how to put my dick in the right hole. Jeez.
Obviously, I couldn't ask Mom or Dad for tips; Jasper and Rosalie were a big, fat hell no; ditto Jake. So I turned to someone I figured I could trust.
Emmett.
I caught up to him after school the next day. Damn it, Rosalie was already with him.
"Hey, Em? Can I, uh, talk to you – privately - about something?"
"Yeah, sure, buddy." He gave Rose a hug and a quick kiss. "I'll call you later, babe." My sister raised an eyebrow at me but left us alone. I watched as Emmett ogled her ass as she walked away.
"What's up, Eddie?"
I looked around cautiously. This wasn't something I wanted to talk about within earshot of anyone.
"Can we get a slurpee and talk on the way?"
"Aww, Cullen, you asking me out on a date?" Emmett winked at me. Wow, talk about awkward. I took a step away from him. Great, I was going to have to let him down gently.
"Uh, no. You're not really my type. I mean, you're a good-looking guy and I'd totally hit on you if I played for the other team but you know I'm straight. And besides, you're dating my sister, ya know?"
He flashed his dimples. Dude, he was totally flirting with me. He was—
"I was kidding. Come on, I'm buying."
Cherry Coke slurpees in hand, and far enough away from anyone I knew, I was ready to ask the burning question I had. We headed toward home as I started the conversation.
"You know how my parents are going out of town next weekend?"
Emmett grinned and wiggled his eyebrows. "I sure do."
"Uh, that's my sister you're thinking of."
He grinned wider. "Yep."
I high-fived him. It's a guy thing. I was happy he was getting laid, even if it was with my sis.
"Anyway, Bella and I are, uh, planning to…uh…" I stopped, red-faced. "We want to…um…"
"Have sexy times?" Emmett said with another wag of his eyebrows. My blush got worse. God, how was I going to have sex if I couldn't even talk about it? That was exactly why I needed his help.
"Yeah – sexy times. Do you have any tips you'd, uh, be willing to share? I didn't know who else to ask."
Thankfully, he didn't laugh at me.
"I'm flattered but are you sure you want advice from me? I'm not all that experienced."
"Dude, I had sex with a car."
Emmett stopped dead in his tracks.
"I'm sorry – did you say with a car?" He looked at me incredulously; I nodded.
"Yeah. Let's not talk about it. It was bad."
"No kidding. Be thankful Jasper doesn't know!" Emmett grinned.
"I'm thankful for that every, single day. So, do you have any tips for a first timer?" I wondered.
"Well, my first tip would be to never do it with a car again. Bella may get jealous, heh heh. Okay, seriously, you've gotta clean your room. Wash your sheets – that's mandatory. Pick up your dirty clothes. Febreeze the shit out of the place. And I know how convenient socks can be," he paused and gave me a knowing look with a smirk. "But you have to get rid of any trace of the spunk socks."
"Okay, what else?" I took mental notes as we continued walking.
"Edward, just be yourself."
I couldn't help but to groan. "That's the problem. 'Awkward' is my middle name. I honestly don't have a clue here."
"I can't give you specifics on how to have sex. No offence but that's just weird. Do you really want to know what Rosalie likes in bed?"
I shrugged. "It'd be helpful. I'm sure I could block out that you're talking about my sister."
"It'd be weird, Edward. I'm sorry."
My face fell. Emmett noticed and gave me an encouraging smile. "You'll figure it out, I know you will."
"What about being romantic? Any tips there? Should I write her a poem? Or sing her a song or something? I've been working on something special for her. What do you think about this-
'Bella, Bella you're the one
And tonight we're going to have some fun.
I'm going to bone you with my cock
No more will I jerk off into a sock.
I can't wait to fuck your—"
Emmett held up his hand and vigorously shook his head. "For the love of all that's holy, please don't traumatize her with that."
"Em, come on. Girls like dirty talk. I thought 'I can't wait to fuck your pootang with my meaty thang' was a hot line."
"It's not. Trust me. There's a big difference between talking dirty and talking crude. And there are things you just don't say."
"I'm listening." And I was – very eagerly.
"Well, for one, you wouldn't say 'meaty thang'. And don't call your dick a 'wiener' or a 'fuck stick' either. Generally, you want to avoid any kind of meat products in bed."
"This is good stuff! Go on."
"Um…here's another example. 'Your vagina's so moist.' Two buzzkill words right there. 'Vagina' is doctor speech. And 'moist' should just be banned from the English language forever. Ditto 'glistening'." Emmett shuddered.
"Okay, so no 'vagina', 'moist' or 'glistening'. What else?"
Emmett ran his hand through his hair. "I dunno. I'm thinking you should probably just avoid talking dirty for your first time."
"Aww, man! I really wanted to bring something new to the table," I said with a pout.
"Fine, look, here's my suggestion. If you really want to talk dirty, do it in another language. There's something about saying 'fuck me, beautiful' in Italian that gets a girl hot. Shit, you could say 'take out the trash, bitch' in Spanish and it would work, heh heh. Girls like foreigners and guys with an accent for some reason."
See? I knew Emmett would have the answers for me. I was going to be busy the next few days, memorizing some key phrases that would no doubt get Bella all hot and bothered.
Emmett threw his arm around my shoulder in such a big brother sort of way, I kind of wished he was my sibling.
"Wanna know my best advice? Take your time – don't rush right into it. Tell Bella she's beautiful; that you love her. Be romantic and sincere. And, honestly, don't have too high expectations for the night, performance-wise. It's not going to be stellar by any account but it'll be perfect none-the-less, I promise."
"Emmett, I can't thank you enough. You're so much cooler than Jasper."
"Not everyone can be this good looking, plus be captain of the football and debate teams, buddy. Seriously, though, if you need anything or have questions, call me. Well, let me clarify: call me before things heat up. I don't want a call mid-fuck." With a slap on my back, we parted ways and headed to our respective houses.
You have no idea how much I appreciated Emmett's sincerity. I truly did. I was going to follow his advice to a tee. I'd wash my sheets, clean my room, avoid mentioning meat products, and learn some key phrases in other languages. I can tell you right now, Bella's and my first time together was going to be amazing.
I hoped.
…
…
The day finally arrived and I wasn't sure if I was more excited or more nervous. I was as prepared as I could be. Mom raised an eyebrow when she saw me dragging my sheets and comforter to the laundry room the morning they were leaving. I couldn't exactly tell her why I was washing them so instead I said something stupid. Surprise, surprise.
"I ran out of socks." I accompanied that statement with a sheepish grin. Mom blushed and let me be.
Before they left for their overnighter, Mom and Dad gave us the standard lecture.
"We're trusting you guys."
"Don't let us down."
"No overnight 'guests'."
"No parties."
"No funny business."
Blah. Blah. Blah.
Emmett showed up just as they were leaving. Long forgotten was the night Dad had to drag Rosalie out of his house. Emmett was so charismatic that he'd charmed his way into both my parent's hearts by then. One day I wanted him to mentor me because Chief still hated my guts.
"Hey, Mr. and Mrs. C. You're off for your romantic night away, huh?" Em wagged his eyebrows.
"We sure are," Dad answered with a grin. I couldn't help but to think about the nasty things they'd be getting up to – with or without their props. Ick.
"Well, have fun. And I know you're going to call every hour but just so you know, I've got six movie passes for a matinee this afternoon. It starts at two, so we probably won't be back until five at the earliest." Emmett presented six movie passes from his pocket and gave them to my dad as proof.
"Thank you for letting us know. Esme, we should go."
Mom pulled each of us kids into a hug and told us to be good before they were officially off. I went up to my room to give it the deep clean I couldn't do when my parents were home – that would have tipped them off that something was up, for sure.
Around 1:30 Emmett announced it was time to head off to the movie.
"Are we picking up Bella and Alice on the way?" I asked as I put on my jacket. Emmett shook his head.
"Just Alice. Bella will be here in half an hour. You have three hours to work your magic."
I looked at him incredulously. "You mean…You—"
Emmett just grinned. "I bought six tickets but only the four of us are going. I didn't think you'd want your siblings – Jasper, especially – home when things go down. Sorry, wrong choice of words. I just thought it'd be better if you and Bella had the house to yourselves."
I gave him a huge hug. "Emmett! Thank you so much for this, seriously. You're awesome!"
"No worries. Do me proud. Let me rephrase that – do Bella proud." He gave me a back slap and went to leave with Rosalie and Jasper. Of course Jazz had to question why I wasn't going, but good old Emmett diverted the attention away from me.
"Don't worry about it. Hey, I have a couple of beers we can sneak into the theatre."
And with that, they were off.
I ran upstairs and wrote in my journal – the last time as a guy-into-girl virgin - before I had a quick shower (AKA: cleaned the pipes), to get ready for the main event.
Bella will be here in a little while
On my face there's a huge smile
You see we're actually going to do it today
This time I will make contact with her va-jay-jay
It'll be amazing; it'll be great
Oh my God, I can't wait!
Emmett gave me such good advice
I love that to me he's just so nice
I've got some things planned, oh yes I do
Foreign languages and fancy accents, too
It's going to be epic – God I hope it will
Someone tell my heart to be still.
I'm ready to lose my virginity (to Bella this time)
I just know it'll feel sublime
I've gotta go and shower splurge
Before Bella and I do converge.
Wish me luck I don't want to fail
If I do, never again will I get tail.
Thank you all for reading and taking the time to review. See you soon for the climax (haha) of the story :)
Big hugs to MapleStyle, Lolo84, and Capricorn75 for their help with this fic xo