Chapter 21

S-Minus twenty minutes. (The 'S' stands for S-E-X, in case you were wondering). Panicking, I flitted about my room making sure everything was perfect. Anything I was unsure about I sent a text off to Emmett for his opinion.

Edward: Candles- yes or no?

Emmett: Yes, it's a nice touch.

I was pleased that I'd thought of that myself. Just as I was striking a match I got another text.

Emmett: Unless it's birthday candles stuck in those muffins your mom left then no.

Damn it! Fine. No candles.

I was actually starting to feel a bit hungry and wasn't sure if I should eat so I sent off another text.

Edward: Should I eat something – you know to keep my strength up?

Emmett: Light snack. No garlic or onions.

I went down to the kitchen to make a snack. I'd just opened a can when my phone chimed.

Emmett: Avoid beans!

Damn it! I guess pork and beans was out then. Never mind, I was too nervous to eat anyway.

The next thing I fretted over was what to wear. I sent Emmett picture texts so he could see the options.

Edward: What should I wear under my clothes - Black boxers?

Emmett: Those are fine.

Edward: White briefs?

Emmett: Also fine.

Edward: Ninja Turtles?

Emmett: No!

Gotta admit – I was disappointed he said 'no' to the TMNT undies. I'd been wearing a pair the day I belched the alphabet and met Bella for the first time. I kind of felt like they were part of the reason why she fell in love with me.

I had one last option. As I was about to take the picture, Emmett texted me again.

Emmett: Do not go commando.

Damn it! I pulled my pants back up and put my phone away. Wait! I had one last burning question.

Edward: Is Pig Latin considered a foreign language?

Emmett: Don't even go there!

Edward: Ha! I was only kidding.

Okay, I wasn't but good to know.

Emmett: Relax. Movie starting. Turning off my phone. Good luck. Be confident – you've got this.

And then my lifeline was gone and I already felt lost.

At the same time, Bella knocked on the door. When I opened it and saw her standing there, everything felt right. The girl I loved was smiling at me, and here – on the cusp of having sex – was exactly where I wanted to be.

"Hi." Bella gave a small wave with a shy smile.

"Hey." I smiled back, the butterflies in my stomach already taking flight.

We stood in the doorway staring and smiling at one another. After a while Bella asked, "May I come in? Or are we going to do it on the front porch?"

I hoped she was kidding.

"Right, sorry. Yeah, please come in." I smiled to myself because that was the perfect opportunity for a 'that's what she said' joke. Don't worry - I kept it to myself. I was determined not to make a fool of myself for once.

I held the door open and Bella walked inside. Once again we stood in silence. I had no idea what we were supposed to talk about. 'Are you ready to lose your virginity?' didn't feel like the best way to start a conversation. Hell, I didn't even know what to do with my hands. I had them stuffed in my pocket, then at my sides and finally crossed over my chest.

"God, this is so awkward, huh?" Bella said with a nervous laugh. I nodded, glad she felt the same.

Bella looked around. "It's so quiet. Where is everyone?"

"At a movie. So, we have a couple hours before they come home. Not that I'd need a couple hours. Heh, heh. Pretty sure this will all be over in less than five minutes. But, hey, at least we'll have complete privacy for it, right?"

So much for not making a fool of myself.

"Should we, I mean, did you want to go upstairs? Or I could make us a snack or something?" I offered.

"I ate already."

"So, upstairs to my room then?"

Bella nodded. I took her hand into my clammy one and brought her upstairs.

"Wow, it's so clean in here!"

I shrugged. "Emmett suggested I tidy up."

"I always did like that guy. What other advice did he give you?"

I remembered Emmett's last test – 'be confident – you've got this.' And you know what? I did have this. I loved Bella and she loved me. No matter how this went down – uh, wrong choice of words – no matter what happened, how we felt about each other wasn't going to change. I had a feeling, know I knew, the girl standing before me was my forever love. I smiled at Bella and shook my head.

"Sorry, sweetheart. That's for me to know and you to find out."

No way I was giving away all my secrets just yet.

Bella worked her way into my arms and up onto her tippy toes so she was closer to my height.

"Oh yeah? What do you have planned for today?"

I took that opportunity to pull her close, my left hand slid around her throat then gripped the back of her neck. I saw that on a commercial recently and it looked really hot.

"Oh, mon cheri, I have a few tricks up my sleeve. Don't you worry."

Then I kissed her good – really good.

Putty in my hands.

When we finally broke apart, Bella complimented me.

"'Mon cheri'. I like that. When did you learn to speak French?"

I shrugged as I replied. "Oh, baby. I 'ave so many tricks and treats up me sleeve for today. Just ya wait."

"Whoa," Bella looked impressed. "A British accent?"

Emmett was right. She was lusting after me even more (if that was possible), all because of the accent.

"Wud yer prefer Oirish? Oi can be Oirish. 'ell, I'll be whatever yer want me ter be."

I switched to my favorite accent – Scottish.

"I am nae wearin' a kilt but Ah can spick scottish if ye prefer."

Bella laughed. "How about just plain old 'Edward'?"

"Yeah, that can work, too." I wasn't sure I could pull off an accent with the foreign languages I had planned.

Together we moved over to my bed and sat down. Bella took my hand in hers and placed it against her chest.

"Can you feel that?" She spoke in a hushed voice. "That's my heart beating out of my chest."

I could easily feel the accelerated pulsing beneath my hand. I hoped she wasn't going to faint.

"Mine's doing the same. You still wanna do this?"

Bella looked at me, with her lower lip between her teeth and nodded. I nodded back. I unbuttoned her shirt, slowly. And not because I was trying to be all sexy about it. It was because my fingers were shaking so badly I could barely put the button through the hole.

No!

I wasn't going to be nervous- I was going to be confident! I would remember Emmett's advice and also use what I'd learned via Google. As I pushed the first button through the hole I decided to use the next trick up my sleeve. Bella had thought French was hot – I wondered how she'd react to Spanish. I counted each button as it came undone.

"Uno."

"Dos."

"Tres."

"Quatre."

"Sei."

Shit! I think I'd mixed up a couple languages there. Well, if Bella noticed she didn't say anything.

I pushed the material aside and revealed a nice surprise. Bella had bought a new bra. It was plain white but lacy and pushed her boobs together spectacularly. She grinned.

"I have a few tricks up my sleeve, too, Edward."

"You mean under your shirt," I corrected.

Bella wagged her eyebrows. "Under my jeans as well."

"Cazzo!" I cursed in Spanish. Or was it Italian? Fucked if I knew. I'd Googled so many different key phrases and right then, my brain was swimming with all of them.

Bella stood up and undid her pants and I was surprised with...

"Where the heck did you get Ninja Turtle panties from?!"

"Ebay," she told me with a grin.

I also stood up, unbuttoned my jeans and showed Bella that we matched. She laughed.

"See?" I told her proudly. "We're perfect for each other."

"Edward, we've always been perfect for each other."

That girl had the ability to seduce me with just her words. And that was only part of the reason why I loved her so freaking much.

Within minutes, all our clothes were shed, strewn haphazardly around my room in a wild frenzy. When we were naked, we got back the bed and I took a moment to appreciate her body. God, she was so beautiful and I had to tell her as much.

"Bella, amo canes," I whispered my words of adoration in Latin as a brushed my lips against her collarbone.

Okay, I really said 'I love dogs' - I couldn't say I love cats – I'm allergic, remember? But it didn't matter, Bella crashed her lips against mine. Damn, Emmett was right – girls totally fell for a dude speaking a different language. I wasn't stupid enough to try it but I'd bet she'd even find Pig Latin hot. And if you do try it please let me know how that goes.

In between kisses and gropes, I threw out a few other key phrases I'd memorized, making sure I used a low, sexy tone of voice.

"Ja. Nein. Vielleicht."

Bella growled into my neck, having no idea I just said 'Yes. No. Maybe.' In German.

"Edward, I have no idea what you just said but that was so hot."

You know it, baby.

"أنا في حاجة إلى الحمام." No, I didn't really need to use the bathroom, but Arabic sounded sexy. Bella agreed, her hands pawed at my chest.

The only one that didn't exactly fly was "איך רעדן ייִדיש" which was Yiddish for 'I speak Yiddish.' Bella laughed at that one. I wouldn't recommend Yiddish if you're going to try this at home.

With my mouth at her ear, I whispered "Saca la basura, perra." Hoping she'd think I was saying something as dirty as 'I want to fuck your pootang with my meat thang.'

Bella pulled back and looked at me with a grin on her face.

"I'll take out the trash after we finish here."

Oh, shit!

"Damn it, Emmett!"

Bella laughed.

"Did Emmett tell you to say 'take out the trash, bitch?"

"Yes. No. I mean he told I could say 'take out the trash, bitch' in Spanish and a girl would find that hot."

"Hey, if I wasn't fluent in Spanish, it totally would have been. Ahora saca esa maldita basura, trae esos labios de regreso a los míos y bésame como si de verdad quisieras, perra."

"Holy shit! Now that was hot!" I still have no idea what the hell Bella said but it catapulted us into overdrive.

Grabbing hands; hungry mouths. I kissed her everywhere, and the way she panted my name was enough to put me over the edge. God, I wanted to go there but I knew this time I had go there with Bella. I tore my lips away from hers, as my heart beat furiously.

"Wait! Wait!"

"What?" Bella asked breathlessly, her eyes wide with confusion.

"We have to slow down. This is going to be over so quickly once we start. Can we at least take our time with this part? Please?"

Bella placed her hands against my cheeks and stared into my eyes. Slowly she nodded her head. That simple act stilled my heart and calmed my nerves.

We repositioned on the bed so she was on her back and I covered her body with mine. Our kisses were slower, our movements more calculated. I savored every single moment.

When it was time, I rolled a condom on – just one – and asked if she was ready. Without hesitation she said she was.

"Bella, I love you."

"I love you."

"I'm so sorry if I hurt you," I said quietly. I watched as I aligned myself with her. I was not going to fuck things up this time.

When I first pressed against her, Bella nodded her encouragement.

I continued. Unlike when we did it in the car, Bella's face scrunched up in obvious pain and discomfort. God, I hated that so much. I didn't want to hurt my girl. I wanted to stop, and I told her as much.

"No, Edward. I want this. Please."

And so I kept on.

It was actually harder – no pun intended – to get in than I thought it would be. But once my hips were flush with hers - holy-fucking-shit-mother-of-all-things-that-are-ho ly it was fucking amazing. And even though I was pretty certain it was for real I had to ask.

"I'm in, right? That's you?"

Bella shook her head and I was momentarily confused until she clarified.

"No, Edward, that's not me. It's us."

Damn, I love that girl. And can I just say how the hell I ever mistook a Hyundai for a pussy, I will never know.

It felt so good, amazing, perfect - too perfect….

And then it was all over.

Seriously, I lasted five point two seconds. I didn't have a coherent thought in my head either, which is probably why as I came, I cursed loudly in a jumbled mess. It sounded something like this.

"Fuu-他媽的他媽的他媽-ck!"

I fell on top of Bella's body, sweat dripping off my brow onto her shoulder. Her hands stroked my hair as she murmured over and over and over again how much she loved me. I wanted to tell her that I more than loved her; that I'd fucking die for her because in that moment, I truly would have. I was simply left without words.

It was….

Honestly, there are no adequate words in the English language to tell you how I was feeling. It was like I was experiencing every single joyous event in my entire life all at once.

Like walking through the gates of Disneyland for the very first time.

How my seven-year old self felt on Christmas morning when I got my brand new BMX bike.

The indescribable feeling the first time I rubbed one out.

All my firsts with Bella – first kiss, boob grab, blowjob.

The pure gratification and satisfaction when I beat Jasper in his own malicious game.

And it was Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday all combined into one magical simultaneous moment.

And I got to experience it with Bella.

There was nothing that could have prepared me for that. Nothing.

And that was when I burst into tears. Sobbed like a fucking baby, adding snot and tears to the sweat I'd already dripped onto Bella's naked shoulder. Totally gross and certainly not romantic in any way.

"Edward? Are you alright?"

I rolled off her, wiping at my nose with the back of my hand, and laughed at myself in embarrassment. I looked at Bella, trying to find the words to explain what was going on in my head. And that's when I noticed she was crying, too. And I knew she felt exactly the same.

It certainly wasn't a stellar performance by any means. And it wasn't something a director had thought up and played out on the big screen with famous Hollywood actors in a summer blockbuster. Hell, it wasn't exactly the way I had envisioned how it would go.

But it was perfect nonetheless.

After we got cleaned up, we snuggled under my comforter. Bella's head was tucked under my chin, my arms wrapped around her, her hand rested on my chest just over my heart. I was never more content.

"Are you okay?" I asked quietly, trying not to break the post coital bliss.

"Never better."

"Heh, heh. I just realized I left my socks on. Is that weird?"

Bella shook her head. "Nope. Mine are still on too." She paused briefly. "You know what was kind of weird?"

"What's that?"

"That I got turned on by you speaking Chinese."

I wagged my eyebrows.

"白了我一眼說中國可能聽起來很蠢的傢伙。"

"What did you just say?"

Now, I could have told her it was something sexy like 'I can't wait to pork you with my sword again soon' but instead I was honest.

"I just said 'I'm a white guy talking Chinese and probably sound stupid.' But that's from Google translate so who knows what I actually said."

We dissolved into a fit of laughter because, you know what? That shit was funny.

After that, I stroked her hair and we lapsed into a serene silence, even dozed for a bit until we noticed the time.

"We should probably get dressed. The others will be home soon."

I nodded. "I know. I don't want to break this trance though."

All good things must come to an end so we got up, dressed, and were in the living room watching a movie – not porn – when the others came home. Of course, Jasper and Alice went straight up to his room for their own sexy times.

Bella and Rosalie went to the kitchen to order some pizza for dinner, leaving Emmett and me alone in the living room. He jutted his chin at me with a smile. I blushed, and we left it at that. I was a man now, and a man never kisses and tells.

I drove Bella home at 10:00pm. When I kissed her goodnight, it felt different. We were different. We were more in love than I ever knew possible. And that was just the start of things.

In the years to come, I fell more in love with her every single day. And yeah, I made an ass of myself practically every day but it didn't matter. Bella loved me for who I was – an awkward, no filter, dorky guy.

Five years later, when I asked Bella to marry me via a cheesy knock-knock joke, she said yes – in Japanese.

And it was perfect.

There's no Edward poem because he's now a man
And he's matured some since the story began

You know a man doesn't kiss and tell
But he got laid so it's all good and swell.

This chapter concludes this tale
Of a boy and his numerous fails

After all the disasters including Masturgate
Our happy couple finally did fornicate.

I have one short epilogue before this story is complete
A glimpse to the future of a kid who's awkward yet sweet.

Thank you so much for your love of this boy
Your kind words fill me with joy.

Lolo, Maple and Cappy
You girls make me happy.

PS: Thank you to Fungys Cullen M for the Spanish translation. Bella actually said "Now, fuck taking out the garbage and get those lips back on mine and kiss me like you mean it, Bitch."