Note: I strongly considered a different ending to this chapter, but I though this was better for the story.
I sat in a hard metal chair on the outside of the operating room. I hadn't left this spot in what felt like days. It had only been a few hours, but it had been the hardest few hours of my life. I had survived the hunger games twice and still had never been so afraid and uneasy. I knew that eventually someone would walk outside of that door and give me news that would give me great relief or would shatter my entire world. I didn't know how I would handle the latter, but it seemed inevitable. Everyone I knew and cared about died because of me. It was only fate that Peeta would too.
After Coin had dragged Gale out of the door, I had come out of the shock of being kicked and watching Peeta die before my eyes and I had crawled over to him.
"Peeta!" I yelled at his lifeless form. "Peeta please…you can't do this to me; you can't leave me now. Just stay here…I…I need you…" I choked out, holding his head in my lap and stroking his hair. There were district thirteen medics there in seconds, and Commander Jacobs was following them. I got up and ran after them, refusing to leave Peeta. I tried to hold his hand and call out to him, but he didn't answer. Blood dripped from the corner of his mouth and the only sign that he was still alive was the occasional sudden twitch of pain.
When they got to the double swinging doors of the operating room, I tried to follow them through. I couldn't leave Peeta, not now when he needed me. He was everything to me, and I had to stay, I had to save him. When the staff looked me in the eyes and told me I had to stay back it was like they were speaking a different language. I started to scream at them, to tell them that I had to follow him, but they wouldn't let me. I felt strong arms pull me back and hold on to me while the nurses followed the gurney through those doors. Finnick pushed me down into a chair and held me there. I was still protesting, but by then it was nonsense. He tucked my head into his chest and that's when the sobbing started. I wasn't sure how long he held me there, trying to rub my back and calm me down. Eventually I stopped crying, but only because I ran out of tears. Finnick and I stayed like that for a few minutes until he was sure I calmed down.
"Katniss…there's nothing you can do. He's in the best hands in Panem. They'll save him. They have to." He looked into my eyes, trying to be reassuring, but I could see the same fear and anguish I felt reflected in them. I just slumped backwards against the wall, and that's where I had stayed until now. I didn't move a muscle. They had tried to offer me food and water, and Furman had tried to coax me into coming back to the apartment to sleep, but I ignored them. I heard there words, but how dare they suggest that I leave Peeta?
Finnick and Furman had been the only ones who had come to the hospital, but eventually they left. They went back to go sleep in the apartment. Johanna came by and tried to talk to me. She said she should've seen it coming, that they should've done something. She talked to me for about an hour, but still I didn't answer her. Eventually she sighed and hugged me, then left to go back to the rest of them. Jacobs had been there too, but he had to go talk to some higher ups about something.
All I could think about was Peeta. I thought about that day he gave me the bread. He had saved my life and given me hope when there was none. For some reason, he loved me even then, when I was nothing, when he barely knew me. He had known we should be together, so why didn't I? I felt like I had wasted so much time. I could have had so much time with him. We could have visited the Hob and eaten dog soup together. He could have gotten to know Prim and been like another protector for her. I knew he would have been.
I thought about the first games. I had thought he was putting on a show for the cameras. He did such a good job convincing everyone that he loved me that I should have known it was real. I thought about that moment on the train, when I told him I was just pretending to love him. Was I?
Back then, I thought that it had been for survival. I had questioned those few amazing kisses, but wrote it off to exhaustion and trying hard to play the part. Now, I was positive I had loved him starting the moment I saw him laying in the ground covered in mud. That was the first time I had tried to save him. That was the first time I realized that I didn't want him to die, that I couldn't live without him.
I also thought about Gale. We had been friends. We had hunted together, and he had kept my family alive when I was preparing to die. I knew it had been hard for him to watch Peeta and I fall in love, but what could drive him to do this? Did he really think we had a chance? Of course he did Katniss, I thought angrily. You kissed him. You led him on. I had never had real feelings like that for Gale. I wish I had realized that earlier. Maybe telling him before he fell even more in love with me would have been easier for him. It was my fault after all. Everything was.
It seemed like I was never going to stop being in Peeta's debt. He had saved me so many times, and how did I repay him? I let this happen. I should've done more. I should have never let them fight. I should have said something to Jacobs, to Finnick, to anyone. I felt the tears start to well in my eyes again. I bent over, moving for the first time in hours, and put my head in my hands. I could still feel the stickiness on my cheeks from my previous tears. It had to be impossible for someone to cry this much. I knew I was weak for it. I knew I shouldn't let Coin see me like this. She was watching, that much I knew, but I didn't care. I didn't care about any of that. All I cared about was Peeta being ok.
I felt someone sit down next to me, and I slowly lifted my head. There was Craig, sitting next to me with her usual hard expression. "If you're here to see about Peeta," I managed to croak, "there's no news." She shook her head.
"While I do care about Peeta and how he's doing, it's not him I'm here to check on." She said, raising her eyebrows and staring at me. "I would ask how you are, but that's just a stupid question." I knew I owed her my life for saving me on the mission, but I didn't want to talk to her. I wanted to be alone.
"I just want to be alone." I said, turning back to look at the wall. "Just please…leave me alone." I felt myself start to cry again, but I wouldn't let her see this. Craig was such a strong person, and she was my harshest critic. If she ever saw me cry it would just prove I was too soft for the squad, and she would be right. I tried to hold back the tears, but all I managed to do was let out this pathetic choking sound.
"Katniss…you don't have to stop yourself from crying." She said, her voice softening for the first time since I had known her. "I know what it feels like…to lose someone you love. I know what it's like to sit there and wait to find out if they're ok. I also know what it's like to hear the news you were dreading. I'm hoping that won't be the case for you, but if it is, I'm here for you." She put her hand on my shoulder.
"Who…what happened?" I asked, unable to stop myself. "You don't have to tell me. I know it's must be hard to talk about…"
She held up her hand. "Actually, it would be nice to just talk for once. I'm always so quiet, I may as well talk to help someone." She took her hand off of my shoulder and leaned back in her chair.
"Do you know why I joined the rebellion?" She asked, looking off into the distance. I shook my head. "Well I did have a life before I was a soldier. I was an artist, a dying profession, I know, but my husband was a government official, so making money wasn't something I needed to worry about." I didn't know Craig had been married. She always seemed so cold, I didn't think anyone could love her. Come to think of it, I didn't really know anything about Craig. I didn't even know what district she was from.
"We lived a charmed life in the capitol. I spent all day painting and taking care of Melissa and Joshua, my two children." Kids? What else had Craig done in her former life? She never seemed like the family woman to me. Suddenly I found myself realizing I had never asked her about her past. To me, she was always just a soldier. I didn't consider that she could have had a different life. "I loved how I was and how I lived, but one day, my husband did something that at the time he thought was his right. He spoke up against President Snow. He suggested that they end the Hunger Games. He said the districts had learned their lessons, and that the time for the brutality had passed. When Snow laughed in his face and told him the idea would never be considered, my husband snapped. He called Snow a bastard and said he wished Panem should elect a new leader. Eventually some coworkers got him to calm down, but it was too late."
She squinted as she recalled the story, like she had repressed it for so long that it was hard to remember. "When he came home, he was worried. He told me to not go out in public tomorrow. He was afraid for me and the children. I was supposed to be home painting all day, but Melissa got sick, so I stepped out for a few moments to go to the store. When I came back, our building was on fire. The other residents gave me these sorry looks as I walked up to the police and told them my apartment number. They said the fire had started in my apartment, then shoved me into a police car and drove me to the hospital. I don't remember the next few hours. It was just a bunch of people asking me how I was. The same will probably happen for you. All I remember is the anxiety while I waited for news on my children.
When the doctor stepped through those doors, I knew almost instantly that they were dead. When he spoke the words though, I didn't cry. I just nodded my head, then turned and walked down the hallway. I was in shock. I didn't understand. When I saw the policemen at the end of the hall, I realized that they were after me. I was supposed to die too, so they were here to finish me off. I turned and ran down another hallway, stopping when I heard the clack of the Peacekeeper's boots from the direction I was headed. I hid in the door way and listened to what they were saying. 'The bitch is still alive, apparently she's in the hospital, so we have to get her.' The first one said.
'But the husband? He's dead right?' I heard another ask.
'O yeah, he's gone. Shot in the forehead as he walked into work. You don't speak against Snow and walk away from it.' My heart dropped when I heard the words. I guess I knew he was dead, but hearing it out loud drew all of the hope out of me. I wanted to die, but not like this. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of killing me. I stole some nurses garb and snuck out of the hospital. I headed west, hoping to find a sympathetic district. I got lost and ended up here, so that's where I've stayed. I shaved my head and never looked back. I swore that I would destroy the Capitol, and that I would never get close enough to someone to feel the pain of losing them."
As her narrative ended, I found myself feeling more than sorry for this woman. She had lost so much, and yet here she was, fighting all the same. I thought about my mother. I thought about how she had given up when my father died. She would never have been strong enough to fight. She had left Prim and I to starve.
"I…I'm sorry. That's horrible." I wanted to say more, but I couldn't find the right words.
"Yeah." She said with a small chuckle. "It's terrible, but it's made me fight, and I know I'll see them again." She turned towards me and gripped my arm, her face turning serious. "Never let them win Katniss. President Snow, President Coin, Gale, they're all trying to hurt you. You can't give them the satisfaction Katniss. You promise that you'll fight. That you'll fight until your last breath, and that you'll never let them control you. You're an amazing person Katniss. You're strong and independent and most importantly, you're a survivor. So you survive, and you never give up. Promise me that."
I nodded my head. "I promise." I couldn't believe she thought of me like that. I had always thought that she hated me. I had always believed she thought I was just some brat who everyone treated too well, but she had saved my life. Then she did something I never would have expected. She put her arms around me and gave me a small hug. I leaned my head on her shoulder, and from now on I knew that when I looked at her I would no longer just see the unforgiving, ruthless soldier who fought beside me on the battlefield. Now, I would see the woman who had lost everything she had, but who had gotten the strength to not give up, and to fight the people who had wronged her until her last breath.
Eventually she broke away, standing up and turning towards the stairs. "Craig." I said, looking at her. "Why did you save me? There were orders not to. Why would you risk it?" I had been meaning to ask this question ever since that day, but hadn't gotten the chance.
She stared at the ground hard, pondering her answer. "I guess its because you remind me a little of someone." She smiled a little. "You remind me of myself a little, but more importantly you remind me of her, of my little Melissa. She was only eleven when she died, but you have the same fierce determination. She was also stubborn and independent, and I see that in you. I think…I think if she had grown up she would've been a lot like you. So I guess that in you, I see the chance for her to grow up and be happy, and I have to protect that." I was too stunned to answer, so I just watched her disappear down the stairs and slumped back in my chair.
I didn't have much time to ponder what had just happened because at that moment, the doors opened from the E.R. A doctor walked towards me, but he wouldn't look me in the eyes. I remember Craig saying she could tell the bad news was coming, and for some reason I felt it. I knew he was dead. I tried to find her strength. I tried to find Craig within myself. I had to be strong. I couldn't let them win.
"Ms. Everdeen?" He asked, finally looking at me.
"Yes that's me." I gulped. I could feel my chest muscles tighten. The panic and the pain were ready to set in. How would I live without Peeta? How would I avenge him?
"You're here for Mr. Mellark." It was supposed to be a question, but he already knew the answer, so I didn't even bother nodding. "He…he just got out of surgery." My heart pounded in my chest. He looked at me like he expected a reaction, but I didn't register the meaning in his voice.
"He's going to be ok."