Epilogue

Here I am 10 years later, and life is good. I'm older and wiser, and although I never really outgrew my awkwardness, I think I turned out okay.

After finishing high school I went to college and became an advertising executive. Now I get paid to write silly jingles for products. And yes, I'm praying we land a feminine hygiene account so I can work on making 'Bloody Hell' a reality. And when you see the black box on the shelf in your local store, think of Edward 'The Tampon' Cullen and smile.

Bella is a special education teacher at an elementary school. I think it's the perfect job for her – she has the patience of a saint and certainly had lot of practice with me, that's for sure.

My proposal was the cheesiest thing ever.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Marry.

Mary who?

Marry me?

Hey – at least I did it in a fancy restaurant.

Bella said, "はい、くさい人" which I took to mean 'yes'. It wasn't until a year later that I found out it actually means 'yes, you dork' in Japanese. But hey - a yes is a yes.

So, we're married, own a house, and we laugh every single day – usually at something stupid I've said or done. I wouldn't change a thing.

My parents are doing well. Dad has cut back his hours at the hospital and teaches sex education part time at my old high school. Yes, he now gets paid to torment teens and play with colored cocks.

Mom wrote a best-selling parenting book titled Spunk Socks – What Moms Need To Know About Their Teenaged Sons. I'm not sure how I feel about being the inspiration for that, to be honest, but I'm happy for her success.

Jasper and Alice got married and have two dogs. Rosalie and Emmett are married as well, and were blessed with five- yes, five!- boys. I have a feeling that when they are older, Rosalie will be doing a lot of laundry. Heh, heh. We all live within 30 minutes of each other.

Jake lives in Florida, and as soon as gay marriage is legalized I'm sure he and Seth will tie the knot. Hey - at least one of us kids got something useful from the anal sex demonstrations. My Dad must be proud.

So, like I said, life is good - for everyone who's near and dear to me. Currently, I'm enjoying a quiet Saturday night at home. Bella is having a bubble bath, and I just accidentally stumbled upon an online porn site. Okay, 'stumbled upon' is a stretch but I'm a guy, what can I say – I like porn! Besides, I'm an adult and can watch it on my laptop if I want. I have no one to answer to, so there.

"Edward! What are you watching?"

Okay, maybe I answer to my wife.

"I, uh… shit." I panic and try to turn it off, but jack up the volume by mistake. I have flashbacks to hairless wonder and massive cock boy.

Bella smirks as I fumble but finally manage to pause the movie.

"You naughty boy," she scolds playfully. It's sexy as hell.

I pat the spot beside me on the couch and Bella sits down, nestling herself close. I sneak a peek down her bathrobe as she does. She still has some fabulous breasts.

"I was, uh, just looking up some new positions we could try out sometime," I explain.

"Edward, I think we've done just about every position. Including center console sex."

"Ha ha. Very funny." I stick my tongue out at her. That still ranks up there as my number one most embarrassing moment of all time. Even farting during our wedding vows wasn't as bad as that.

"Come to think of it, there's one we haven't done," she grins. She has my attention.

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"Pegging."

I shudder.

"God, don't remind me. That was one of the words Dad used in his anal sex speech. Jasper and I vowed to never look up what 'pegging' is. We—"

"It's when a woman penetrates a man's anus with a strap-on dildo."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! "

This is what my brain hears:

"It's when your mom wears a big, thick, strap-on cock and fucks your dad's ass, hard!"

I threw up in my mouth.

"Why? Why did you tell me that? God, that's just wrong! Do you know what this means, Bella?"

"It means I have a whole new respect for Esme." She wiggles her eyebrows.

"God, no! Ewww! It means my dad's been pegged. Is that the right word? Whatever. He's been fucked in the ass by my sweet loveable mom! And he probably liked it! No, I know he liked it. Gah! Will you stop laughing?"

"I'm sorry, but it's sort of funny."

"No, it's not. I have to call Jasper!"

"Edward, it's almost one o'clock in the morning."

"I don't care!"

I grab my cell phone, call my brother, and pace around the living room impatiently waiting for him to pick up. Meanwhile, Bella sits down with my laptop and continues watching the porno I found. Had she not mentioned pegging, that shit would be hot.

Jasper answers the phone on the fifth ring, his voice groggy with sleep.

"This better be good, Eddie."

"Jazz! Do you know what pegging is?"

"What? What the fuck kind of question is that at…" I hear the rustle of blankets as he checks the time. "Dude, it's one o'clock in the morning."

"Answer the question. Do you know what pegging is?" I'm all but shrieking into the receiver. Did Bella really have to keep laughing?

"Fuck if I know."

"Anal sex talk with Dad - ringing any bells?"

"God, Edward. Don't remind me. I've been in therapy for years trying to forget that."

So have I. And Dr. Cope says I've been doing really well. Ha! Not after tonight. I'll be scheduling an emergency session first thing Monday morning.

Jasper continues. "But, yeah, now that you mention it, that was one of the terms he used. I thought we promised to never find—"

"It means Mom wears a big, thick, strap-on dildo and she fucks him in the ass with it! Hard!"

Silence.

"Jazz? Jasper? Are you there?"

Silence.

I bet he passed out.

"Edward? It's Alice. What's going on? Why did Jasper run to the bathroom and throw up?"

"It's a long story, Alice. A long, horrible story."

…

…

…

Tonight I found out what pegging is
Not something that would make me jizz

I never, ever want to put anything in there
Not even if Bella used tender loving care

My butt is a virgin, thank you very much
It's a place only toilet paper can touch.

My ass is not a plaything
That's not the way I swing

As if Masture-Gate and Hyundai sex weren't enough
I learned what my parents really do in the buff

Though it was one a.m. I didn't care
When I found out I had to share

Jazz was pissed I woke him with the information
That Dad likes a little backdoor penetration

We both threw up at the visual in our head
Of Dad on his knees, Mom behind him on the bed

She'd probably use the green strap-on dick
Dear God, I sure hope Mom made it quick

Now you can see it clearly, too
I bet you feel sick don't you?

I'm going to need some good medication
To make me forget that kind of defamation

And Dad snickered at me for jerking off into a sock
Meanwhile he lets Mom fuck him with a plastic cock

That's a double standard if I ever heard
Which do you think is more absurd?

I don't know if I can look at Dad the same
Or Mom because she's also partly to blame

The image of pegging my brain it does assault
If I can never have sex again it'll be all their fault

And now I must go; I'm going to try
And if I can't get it up I will surely die

Oh look, this journal is on its last page
I've been thinking - I've finally come of age

I'm too old now to write silly rhymes
And yes, I'll probably miss it at times

But it's time for me to start a new chapter in life
Enjoy all the good times spent with my wife.

The beautiful girl fell in love with me, the awkward boy
My sweet, wonderful Bella brings me all the joy

Hopefully soon we'll have a baby or two
Perhaps one in pink and one in blue

Thank you so much for being there for me
Through the good, bad, awkward, and ugly.

Awkwardly yours,

Edward

This is my final farewell, dear reader friends
Unfortunately this is where his story ends

Thank you for being on this ride
I hope I made you laugh until you cried.

Lolo, Cappy and Maple
You're the paper to my staple

Okay that was dumb but whatever
I'm done with being clever

Thank you, everyone for all you do
Now please say goodbye to me in a review