Chapter Seventy Two

Jasper

I wasn't surprised when she headed out of town, Bella's eyes were the same colour as mine, as the Cullens, she had stuck to a diet of animal blood which for a newborn was something to be admired. We hadn't spoken since we left the library steps but once out of town she turned to me,

"I was confident you would come. I know that sounds arrogant but I was. Ever since I left you something really odd has happened. I kept seeing you, it was as of you were haunting me but I didn't get the feeling you were any danger, more like a guardian angel and I think I hated that most of all."

I was puzzled by this,

"Why?"

"Because it just made everything you'd said appear true. You told me we were mates and I wanted so much to prove you wrong. To prove I didn't need you, didn't need anyone. That I could live alone and cope but my mind conjured you up whether I wanted it to or not. It took me some time to accept it but eventually I knew I had to see you again. I wanted to know how I would feel when I saw you."

"And how did you feel?"

She shook her head,

"Tell me about you, all the terrible things you've done that made the Cullens and Garrett think you were so bad for me. That way I can make an informed choice what to tell you, what to feel."

"OK, you have every right to hear the truth. Let's sit down, it's a long and bloody story."

Bella

We sat side by side on a fallen tree and I looked at him as he started to talk. I heard about his meeting with Maria and what she had done to him although he put the blame for his actions on himself. He was right of course, it was a horrific story full of violence and blood but what he didn't seem to realise was that it was other things too. It was a story of manipulation, of corruption, of sordid relationships, and domination, but also a story of strength and ultimate victory. When he finished I could feel the apprehension in his attitude. He was waiting for me to judge and find against him. I sat in silence for a while and he sighed,

"This is killing me. Just say what you have to Bella. I did warn you that by the end you would feel nothing but distaste for me"

"I don't think I'm in any position to condemn anyone's actions after the ones I've taken. I don't see you in the same light you do Jasper. I listened to you words and the thing that hit me most of all was your courage and determination. The way you survived it all and still held out a hand to me."

I sighed and closed my eyes knowing what I had to say next and still tripping over the words because once said I could never take them back. My life would be changed yet again and I wasn't sure I was ready to let go of everything I had felt and wanted up to now but he deserved to hear them just the same and I needed to say them. I knew they would burst forth if I didn't speak soon so I took a deep breath.

"I need you in my life Jasper, for good or bad. You were right but then I think somewhere inside I always knew that. It's very simple, I don't want to be the person I've become, it's not me and I can't blame it on becoming a vampire, or at least not totally. I saw compassion in Charlies eyes and an acceptance of the new me but he was disappointed in me too and that hurt. Help me to be a better person, I've lost my way and I don't think I can do this without help, without your help."

I knew he wanted to hear me say I accepted he was my mate, that I loved him but I just couldn't say it, not yet, not until I'd excised my demons.

Jasper

The very fact Bella recognised she needed me in her life was enough for now. She had accepted all I'd told her and still needed me. Perhaps one day she would say the words I longed to hear but for now I'd got more than I deserved and far more than I ever hoped for.

"Then I'll help you. Becoming a vampire is at least partly to blame for the things you've done, the rest is down to me. All your feelings and emotions are heightened as a vampire and its a lot to cope with which is why a sire is responsible for a newborn until they learn to control themselves. So you see your anger, your wanting revenge, was normal for a newborn although you are the strangest and most controlled newborn I have ever come across and I've seen thousands. I failed you and so did Garrett and the Cullens. No one tried to explain things properly."

"But I can control them?"

"You already are without my help Bella, it's as if you knew instinctively once removed from immediate temptation. You've spent six months alone without leaving a trail of dead humans or Quileutes for that matter. You haven't gone looking for Garrett or Esme again,, Do you know why?"

"Not really, I just had the feeling that if I could block it all out for a while I might understand it better in time"

"Which is exactly how I would have told you to cope so you see you don't need anyone but I promise I wont leave you until you are sure you can cope alone."

"And what if I never can?"

"Then I stay."

"But what if I can never tell you what you want to hear?"

"Then that's my problem to deal with."

"But you'll still stay?"

"Yes I'll stay."

"Then lets hunt"

We didn't speak again but hunted together working as a team to take down two deer and quench our thirst. To me this was another sign that Bella and I were meant to be together, vampires rarely hunted together unless mated and even fewer would share a kill as we did today but I didn't say anything, I couldn't force her to say the words, all I could do wait patiently. After hunting we went back to the fallen tree and resumed our seats.

"So what do we do first?"

"That's up to you Bella, what do you want to do?"

She thought about this before replying, another good sign.

"Why did those wolves attack me? I thought you said that Charlie had spoken to their leader and got a promise I would be left alone unless I made another attack."

"He did but I don't think this was something he knew anything about. One of the wolves was just that, a wolf."

"Not a guardian?"

"Not any longer. It was Leah Clearwater the remaining Quileute pack member, she had chosen to remain in wolf form. I think she was looking for revenge for Sam Uley's death."

"What about the other wolf? Was that a guardian?"

"Yes because once dead he turned back to his human form. I have no idea who he was or why he joined forces with her but I think Charlie knows."

"So what do we do?"

"That depends on you. What do you want to do?"

"I want to know why he attacked if the guardians had been ordered to stand down."

"Good. Then we'll speak to Charlie and find out more"