A/N: Thanks a lot for reviews to both of you :) lovefan81, I think I suppose that even though Sirius later hated his family, he lived with them fifteen years and there's no change that they wouldn't have affected on him… Besides, I enjoy writing about that arrogant little Sirius :D

Cinnamon Selkie, I think Peter is really interesting character and that's because at first he's their best friend and then he turns against them and ends up destroying it all. It's so tragical that it's also fascinating. By the way, English isn't my first language and I've started reading fanfiction by reading Finnish fanfiction, and it's interesting to notice that the habit of writing Peter shy and invisible is the same in both languages, even though I sometimes think that English fanfiction is a bit better when it comes to Peter, actually…

Chapter 3: Love and Obsession

'Pads, I think I'm going to puke.'

I rolled my eyes. James was staring at his reflection in the mirror with a face that was clearly telling that no one should approach him today. His eyes looked shocked even though the other parts of his face mostly kept their rather calm expression. His hands were shaking even though he had put the into his pockets, and so his robe was shaking, too.

'I'll never fall in love', Peter said with tired voice.

'I still can't believe', James said, now his mood changing from fear to overwhelming. 'Last year she didn't even bothered to talk to me. Now she's going to go to Hogsmeade with me. Pads, I really need to go to the bathroom - '

'No', I denied holding him still. 'You're just panicking. Don't worry. The worst that can happen is that Lily never wants to see you again. Or that you burn down "The Three Broomsticks" and will be forced to pay the bills for the rest of your life. Neither of them involves dying, so no need to worry.'

'Is that what you call comforting?'

'No, he's just trying to make you even more panicked', Remus' cheery voice called from the bathroom. 'Don't believe him, Prongs. Sirius' just jealous, because you've got your lovely Lily Evans at least.'

'What? Is Sirius in love with her, too?' James' eyes widened.

'No!' I shouted. 'No. Remus, could you think a little what you're saying to him? He's in a sensitive state right now, he believes anything.'

'I'm not', James said trying to sound convincing, but unfortunately he just managed to sound scared. 'I'm just a little nervous. This is the most important day in my life.'

'How about when you're going to propose her?' Peter suggested. 'If today goes well, of course.'

'So, this IS the most important day of my life', James said breathing heavily. 'Remus, any advice? You got a girl, you should know. And you are the clever one, anyway.'

'Well, to begin with, don't be a jerk', Remus said, coming to the bathroom's door. 'Don't pretend. Be interested in what she says. Don't try to kiss her at the first moment you see her.'

'That difficult?'

'Yeah. I'm sorry. You just have to try.'

'When are you going to meet Lily?' Peter asked. 'No offense, but I'd like to get you out of here before I go crazy with all that panicking.'

'I guess - ' James watched the clock, 'damn, I should have been in the common room two minutes ago! She's going to kill me!'

I patted him on the shoulder. 'Good luck. Remember what Remus just told you.'

James threw once last panicked glance at us before shutting the door behind him. When his steps had disappeared, I and Peter burst into a laughter. Remus had gone back to the bathroom, but I almost heard him snorting disapprovingly.

'You shouldn't be joking about him, guys. He's got a change of his life. Of course he's panicking.'

'He's going to take Lily Evans to Hogsmeade', I said. 'If that the change of his life, I'm not really jealous.'

'He's in love', Remus answered from the bathroom.

'Well, that doesn't mean he should drop dead because of the excitement. You're in love, too, and you're as calm as me or Peter.'

I heard Remus sigh. He had come back from the bathroom and was now leaning against the door frame. His brown hair was beginning to get long, I noticed. It was already in front of his eyes and he had to pull it aside.

'I don't think I am', Remus said his voice suddenly totally serious.

I blinked. 'Aren't you in love with Sarah? I thought so. You look so… happy. Both of you.'

Remus nodded. 'I'm happy. Probably as happy as I can be.'

'So, what's wrong?'

He stared at the wall behind my shoulder. Peter had began sorting out his T-shirts, probably trying to avoid a serious conversation. I didn't mind. I had Susie Thomas waiting for me in Hogsmeade and I would have enough time to get everything out off my head. Besides, to be honest, thinking Remus not loving Sarah felt quite good. I was clearly worried about if he forgot his friends if the thing with the girl grew to be more serious.

'I don't know', Remus said in a low voice. 'Don't get me wrong, Padfoot, I like her really much. I enjoy being with her. But if I think how James acts near Lily… it's never been like that. It's just nice being with her. It doesn't get my socks going circle in my feet.'

'James has always got excited about things', I said not really wanting to believe it myself. 'You can't compare yourself with him. He's got on obsession about Evans.'

'Well, I clearly haven't got an obsession about Sarah', Remus said almost sadly. 'Sometimes I'm just… well, wondering what it would be like. If you were really in love with someone.'

'I don't know, either', I said hoping that it was the right thing to say. 'At the moment, for example, I'm dating Susie just because of her fine hair.'

Remus rolled his eyes. 'You aren't interested in getting too serious, are you?'

'Are you talking about Susie or this conversation?'

'Both.'

I nodded.

'Which one?'

'Both.' I grinned when Remus laughed a little. Making him laugh when he was feeling blue had been one of my favorite activities for years, especially since it wasn't always so easy.

'Well, I guess I have to go to see my girlfriend', Remus said, 'whom I like really much even though sadly I'm not obsessed with her.'

'That's a right attitude', I said. 'And I'm going to go to greet Susie Thomas for her well-colored hair.'

We threw a glance at Peter, who had arranged his T-shirts for their colors.

'Pete? Are you coming?'

'Just a minute. I'm seeing Maria Brown. She hates messy people.'

-

I hadn't been planning any of it. I just happened to be in Three Broomsticks with Susie when Remus came in with Sarah, and because he didn't happen to see me, I decided not to bother them. A few minutes later I realized that Susie wasn't speaking anymore and, instead of that, she was staring at me looking quite amused.

'You aren't even faking to be listening to me', she said a bit dryly.

I sighed. 'Sorry.'

'Just tell me what's so interesting in your best friend and his girlfriend. You said you're jealous, but your staring was quite intense to be just one of a little jealous friend.' Susie frowned. 'You don't fancy Sarah, do you?'

'No!' That was surprising, really. Even though Sarah was surely quite a nice girl, she wasn't my type at all. She had brown, long hair, a little round, pretty face, big mouth and a friendly smile. To be honest, I had tried to hit on her when I had been fourteen, but she had turned me down quite firmly and I had barely thought about her until the last spring, when Remus had began spending some time with her. 'And I guess I didn't say I was jealous of my friends' girlfriends. You said it yourself.'

'Well, my best guess is still that you're afraid they're going to forget you.' Susie smiled. 'And that won't happen. You aren't easy to forget.'

'I'm not?'

'No. You're too annoying.'

I rolled my eyes. 'How do you know when you're in love with someone?'

She blinked looking perplexed. 'Where's this coming from? Are you trying to decide if you love me or not?'

'I'm trying to be serious, Susie. For now.'

'Sorry. I haven't got much of experience from you being serious.' She smiled a little but then turned her eyes to look somewhere else, as she had seen something interesting on the wall. 'I don't know. I don't think I've never been in love. I've just fancied people, you know… but not that much. I've got over them. Are you thinking James?'

'Well, maybe.'

'I don't get him', Susie remarked. 'He liking Lily Evans is just something I don't understand, or how he's been stuck on her for years. It has to be pretty terrible for him, I guess, when she' s turned him down so many times and still he can't get over her.'

'James is insane', I said slowly. 'About Lily. I can't understand how his world can be so Lily-centered.'

Now Susie was staring at the ceiling another of her eyes closed. She looked funny. 'Maybe you just have other people in the centre of your world. I mean, like your friends. Well, I'm not claiming that James doesn't care about you, but maybe he just has more space in his mind than you have. For other people, I mean.'

'Are you saying that I have to date one of my friends to fall in love?' I grinned.

Susie rolled her eyes. 'You're impossible, Sirius Black. You know what? I guess I could even fancy you, if you weren't that irritating.'

I smiled back at her. It felt quite safe, she grinning at me with an expression that clearly told that she wasn't too serious anymore. That was what I liked about her. Nothing ever got too awkward or difficult.

'You aren't fancying me then, Thomas?'

'No. I'm just playing games with your feelings.'

'And my heart. You must know that.'

'I know, Sirius Black.' She turned to glance behind her shoulder. 'But your true love, your best friend's girlfriend seems to be leaving. What should we do? Stay here?'

'Come on', I said the thought coming into my mind. It was stupid and, well, even more stupid, but it couldn't hurt anyone. 'Let's go spy on them.'

'What?' Susie raised his eyebrows. 'You're getting desperate, Black.'

'I have to make sure that my friends' in good hands', I said standing up. 'Please. I promise you'll get a kiss later.'

'Anything for a kiss', Susie said and followed me.

-

The common room looked empty. No fourteen years old couples trying to do something that would give their parents a heart attack if they only happened to see it, no eleven years old couples trying to decide if they were supposed to hold each other's hands. I almost laughed out loud when I realized that just a few hours ago I had walked with Susie back to Hogwarts wondering if we were supposed to hold hands. Well, we hadn't, and I had kissed her before she went. Nice, clean date, nothing important and nothing that makes life difficult.

'What was that?'

I flinched. Remus was sitting in one corner staring through the window into the darkening night.

'What was what?'

'You sneaking after me and Sarah.' He smiled briefly. 'Don't get me wrong, Pads. I'm not mad or anything, there weren't anything too private going on and I've got used to your weird hobbies. I'm just curious.'

I sat down next to him on the couch. He had dark shadows under his eyes and he was holding his robe tight as if he had been cold. It wasn't the first time when I was sorry that we had only one Remus. He was the best to comfort when one of us looked sad, but when that one was him, there really was nobody to do the job.

'I don't know. The idea came just out of the blue', I said in a low voice, it was so silent in there. 'I saw you and her in Three Broomsticks. We were sitting them with Susie. And when you left, I just thought it would be interesting to follow you and see where you went, I guess.'

'What did you expect?'

'Nothing.'

He closed his eyes for a moment. I tried to decide if he was offended or mad but he didn't look like he was, and I had always been bad at interpreting people. 'Well, it doesn't matter, anyway. Did you already heard about James' date?'

'I heard it was awesome and more amazing than anything he's done before, including winning the Quidditch Champion.' I smiled a bit. 'I feel sort of hurt because of that last one, you know.'

He nodded. 'We should be happy for him. He's getting what he has always hoped.'

'Remus?' He turned to look at me. 'Are you sad?'

He shook his head looking still too tired. 'What for?'

'That's why I'm asking. You've got a girlfriend, you've got a family and friends and food. And you're sitting here.'

Remus sighed. 'I don't know. I'm sorry to be this kind of a jerk, when I should be upstairs celebrating James' success. I just… don't feel like I could be there right now. Or anywhere.'

I didn't know what to say. He was again staring through the window, and now when my eyes had got used to being in dark I almost saw the Forbidden Forest against the black sky. The scenery looked somewhat empty: no colors, no people, nothing was moving.

'Maybe it's the war', Remus whispered. 'It's like a wall on the road, you know, you're heading towards it and can't change the direction and just pray that it will disappear, but nothing changes, and then you realize you have no choice but to crash.'

I wasn't quite sure what I was doing. Usually it was James who was fond of touching and hugging and patting and that kind of stuff, but Remus looked white as a ghost and so fragile and for a moment I thought I saw again that thirteen years old boy waiting for me to say something, when he had just told me the biggest secret of his life: that he was a werewolf. And so I didn't really think, I just grabbed my arm around Remus feeling a little awkward, but then he leaned his head against my shoulder and it was all okay at once. He was breathing slowly and staring at something I couldn't see.

'I can't tell Sarah', he whispered finally, breaking the silence.

'About what?' I asked before realizing. 'Your… thing? Once a month?'

He nodded slightly. The movement felt kind of nice against my shoulder. I wondered if I had ever been sitting this way with a girl, just being there and not doing anything special.

'Do you have to?' I asked him.

'If it's supposed to get serious, I guess.' He sighed. 'I feel like I'm lying to her, and I kind of am, too. But you don't know how it is, never knowing how someone would react if they knew what you really are. It's like hiding myself all the time, pretending to be me when real me is something different.'

'You're real you. And you don't have to tell her, if you don't want to.'

'I'm just so fucking scared. I like her and still I don't know if I can ever fall in love, like we were talking in the morning, you know, like James did. I'm so used to hiding. But I can't let her go just because I can't tell her everything.'

'So don't tell. It's not her business anyway.' I patted him on the shoulder. 'And you've got us, you know. We'd kill for you.'

'And I can't still get it. How you can be so kind when I'm just - '

'Shut up, Remus Lupin. You're mocking my best friend."

I felt him smile and was sure he didn't really believe me, like he never did, but he didn't disagree aloud and I was happy to sit silent. Some younger students came from the corridor and frowned when seeing us, but Remus the Prefect didn't say anything to them about being too late outside the Gryffindor Tower and they didn't say anything to us, nor did I care. They went to their dormitories and we kept on sitting until it was midnight and I realized that Remus had fallen asleep. James was still fully awake in our dormitory, explaining to Peter how Lily had let him offer her a glass of butter beer, and together we carried Remus to his own bed.