A/N: Thanks for the reviews :)

Chapter 5: Growing Up, Being Wasted

I woke up realizing that all my body was aching. I sighed and tried to keep my eyes closed, but it didn't help me from knowing that I was lying on the floor and it was a bit too cold to feel comfortable. Fuck. Had I really fallen from the bed? It had happened a few times before I went to Hogwarts, and after the first time Regulus had laughed at me so much that I hadn't brought it up anymore.

I opened my eyes slowly. Well, I wasn't in my dormitory. The ceiling was old and scratched, and if it had been painted, the color had disappeared years ago and was now some kind of a mix of blue, grey and brown.

'Padfoot?'

I turned my head. Remus was lying on a narrow bed besides the wall. I blinked and tried to figure out why we had stayed in Shrieking Shack instead of going back to the castle after last night of full moon. Anyway, it was Sunday, so there was no reason to hurry.

'Morning', I said to Remus.

'Morning.' He frowned. 'What're you staring at?'

I grinned. 'Nothing. You just look like some pervert painting.'

He laughed wearily and turned to stare at the ceiling. 'Why? Because I'm naked? Not all of us are able to keep their clothes on despite the transformation. I've talked about it with James. He thinks it's because of your transformation being voluntary that you're still dressed when you turn into humans again.'

'Well, I wasn't thinking about that. It's that the whole picture of you lying there in this fucking messy room and all those scars of yours and looking like you're waiting for a lover or something.'

'Maybe I am. Get off, Black, so I can have my Sarah here.'

I stared at him. He sighed and his expression changed to be more serious.

'Not really', he said slowly. 'I don't believe I'm ever going to tell her. It was bad enough that you found out.'

'You're happy that we found out.'

'Yes', he admitted. 'But you were thirteen and stupid. She's seventeen and smart. She wouldn't take it as well as you did.'

'You can't know that.'

'I know her, Sirius', he said, but didn't sound as sad as I had thought. 'She's reasonable. There's no reason good enough to get involved with a werewolf.'

'There is. If she saw you lying there naked she would definitely have a reason good enough.'

Remus laughed. 'You could have any girl with that charm of yours, Black. What are you trying to do, flattering me? Trying to get to my pants, are you?'

'You haven't got pants, mister Lupin.'

'Too bad for you, then.' He turned to look at me. 'Why are you still here?'

I shook my head. 'No idea. Probably I was just too tired. Or I tried to be different from James and Pete.'

'Or you were hurt.'

That was the conclusion I didn't want him to make. I could feel my sides and chest having new bruises and there was a few quite red scratches in my arms, but I didn't want Remus to worry about it. Sometimes I wondered if he still felt guilty from making us do this, even though it hadn't been his decision in the first place.

'Don't you try to stop me from breaking the school's rules', I said, a slight thought coming to my mind that I had already used that joke some years before. 'You've never had any luck with that.'

He rolled his eyes but let the topic be. 'Would you like to throw me a blanket? It's quite cold here and I don't want you to be tempted.'

'Tempted to do what?' I grinned.

'You've got your own imagination', he said. 'And I'm taken. Besides, I haven't got a habit of dating my best friends. Or boys, for that matter.'

'Oh, I was so sure', I said wondering if the breakfast had already gone. 'I guess you're alive enough. At least joking seems to be easy.'

'You didn't have to stay there. You know it.'

'Yes. And now I have to get some breakfast. What I will say to your dear Jones, if she happens to ask where you are?'

'Nothing', he answered biting his lip. 'As always. Unless you don't want to tell her that you've stolen me and we're going to get married in London, so she has to wait a few weeks before seeing me again.'

'I guess I can manage with that, Lupin', I said standing up. 'See you at the Quidditch game.'

'Gryffindor against Slytherin?' He grimaced. 'I surely chose a good day to turn into a monster and make you and James spend the whole night running in the forest.'

'We're going to win, anyway, so no need to flatter yourself.'

'Back at you, Black.'

He closed his eyes but I didn't turn away yet. When he wasn't talking, he looked just exhausted and it hit me once again how much worse this much for him than for us, who had maybe some scratches afterwards but nothing serious. Remus had to go to Hospital Wing after every transformation, where Madam Pomfrey would check that all is bones were in right places. Sometimes Remus broke bones and he had to spend more time waiting them to be cured, and then he came back later and was pale and didn't talk much. And even after the easy nights he had wounds which had to be heeled and which weren't just some stupid scratches. Even now there was a slightly red wound going across his chest and neck.

'Black? Planning to leave soon?'

I opened my mouth but couldn't figure out anything cheerful to say. Remus stared at me with his one open eye when I turned around and left.

-

'And did she let you hold her hand?' Peter was asking, when I stepped to the dormitory. I frowned, and he threw me a tired glance.

Oh, well. James was sitting on his own bed looking overwhelmed. I pushed aside a strong urge to hit him. It had been a week since he had been with Lily in Hogsmeade and still he didn't want to talk about anything else. The boy was damned.

'Yes! Would you have guessed? Lily Evans holding hands with me? It's like a miracle!'

'And how did you do it?' Peter asked. I couldn't understand how James didn't notice that Peter's voice sounded quite similar to Binns' voice when the ghost had been explaining us what problems wizards' immigration into the Northern America had caused in the seventeenth century.

'I don't know! I wasn't even trying! And then she suddenly told me that I'm kind of nice when I'm not being a complete moron.'

'You're going to marry her before Christmas', I said.

It was a mistake. James was clearly incapable of recognizing sarcasm. 'Hi, Padfoot! Do you want to hear the whole story? I was just telling Peter - '

'No, thanks. I've got something to say.' Well, I hadn't, but I had to figure something out or James would keep on talking about Lily forever. 'We need to make a prank.'

James frowned. 'What?'

'We're losing our touch. We haven't irritated anyone in two whole months.'

'Well, Lily said I've been annoying - '

'Prongs!' I said. 'No offense, but it's been a week and you're still babbling about Evans all the time. You have to think about something else.'

James frowned. 'All the time?'

'Yeah. Sorry.'

He sighed. 'Okay, I'm trying to… do something else… Do you have any plans? For that prank?'

I shrugged. 'Not really. Maybe we should do something simple. Turn Snivellus' hair into pink.'

There was an uneasy silence in the room. I had a weird feeling that maybe I should just give up, turn around and go to a library or something.

'Sirius', Peter said finally, his voice far too gentle and careful, 'I think we have made that often enough.'

'It's the war, isn't it?' I asked. There it was again, the word that was waiting for us behind every corner. 'Shouldn't we resist? Live like we used to?'

'We don't know if it's coming - ' Peter started.

'It's coming', I interrupted him. 'People are disappearing and they are always Muggle-borns and halfbloods. The Daily Prophet has nothing else to write and people are becoming too scared to even go out of their own houses. What else would you call it? A bad year?'

'Sirius, breathe', James said. At least he wasn't talking about Evans. 'That's all true, but do you think we've finished making those pranks because of that? Maybe we've just grown up.'

'We weren't supposed to.'

I didn't know why it was suddenly so important, but it was. I didn't want them to be so serious.

'It just happened', James said slowly, stand up and stepped towards the bathroom. 'Besides, I don't think anyone of us is too interested in teasing Snape anymore.'

'Well, if you've made friends with him.'

'Stop it', James said briefly. 'I don't like him and you know it. I just want to do something else.'

He closed to door.

I didn't exactly enjoyed the rain, but anyway, it felt good coming to my face and making me feel as I had been smelting. I took a better grip of my broom and almost closed my eyes when the wind was unbearable, made the broom go nearer to the ground and then back up again, above the Forbidden Forest and then back to the castle and all over it. Half-consciously I wished that no one was looking at me at the moment, because I didn't surely look quite sane. Well, I didn't feel sane, either.

I didn't like analysizing, but now it all was going through my head over and over again even though I tried to get away from it by speeding. James was right, I knew it but I couldn't make myself believe it, not yet. This was our last year in Hogwarts, the last chance to even act that everything was right outside the castle and we had future waiting for us. The future without the war, killing and escaping and lost family members and friends, anyway.

And now James just didn't bother to act anymore. I laughed out loud when I thought how much easier this would make it to him to get Evans: new, serious James Potter was definitely much better target for the Head Girl than the old one. But I had liked the old one. And I couldn't bear the thought that this was it, this was it about our pranks and the Marauders. Maybe James would marry Evans in the end and they would live happily ever after, except the war, of course, and Remus would marry his Sarah and so there would be just me and Peter then, sitting in the Three Broomsticks, drinking fire whiskey and mumbling about how handsome and funny we used to be when we were young.

Okay, that was too pitiful. I shook my head and then hoped again that there was no one watching me. I'd cope. And whatever I did, I wouldn't end up sitting in the pub with Peter and loads of empty glasses.

*

'Sirius?' Remus' voice was patient. Bad sign, really. 'You surely realize that's not the brightest idea you've got? Not even close.'

I was beginning to feel irritated. 'Why not? It's Wednesday - '

'And tomorrow is Thursday and we have Potions at eight, and I've promised to spend this evening with Sarah.'

'Ha! You're backing out because of a girl!'

'The girl', he corrected, annoyed. 'Sirius, I'm seeing her now. I can't help it. I have to spend time with her.'

'If that's bothering you that much, maybe you should just break up with her.'

He frowned. 'Now, I guess it's bothering you. What's going on? You look like someone has put you and Snape under the mistletoe.'

'Merlin, no', I choked. 'And nothing's going on. I just want to spend some time with my friends and James thinks we're too old to make pranks.'

I felt stupid right away. The knowing expression had already appeared on Remus' face. He walked to his bed and sat down, crossing his hands and looking thoughtful and careful. Fuck. That was Remus Lupin having his serious talk.

'Okay', he said, with a tone I knew very well. It was the tone that called 'run, Sirius, run'. 'What's wrong? Is this about pranks? Or the war?'

'Stop interpreting me! Everything isn't about the war.'

He kept staring at me.

'And I'm not annoyed about Sarah. Sarah is fine. You dating her is fine. I just don't want to spend one fucking Wednesday night sitting in the common room.'

'Fine', Remus said finally, even though his voice was still far too careful. 'I've got a proposition, then. Have James and Peter already agreed going to Hogsmeade?'

'You're the cleverest one. If you're coming, they'll be there.'

'Well, what if I take Sarah with me?'

I blinked. Sarah Jones? Hogsmeade? Three Broomsticks? Fire whiskey? It just wouldn't work. However, Remus was staring at me and he looked serious. Fuck Remus Lupin to whom it was just impossible to say no.

'Okay. Take her', I nodded wondering where the heck James was, when he should have been here saving us all. 'But we've got to use one of the secret passages. You have to tell her they exist.'

'I already told her.'

Damn. 'And she's okay with breaking rules?'

'With me, yes, I think.'

'Oh, she's breaking the law for you. That's true love, then.'

'Sirius?' he asked. I couldn't work out if he was worried or just annoyed. 'What's this? If you're pissed off for a reason, just say it.'

'I'm not.'

'You're.

'Just a bad day. You know, James growing old and you all having your great girlfriends to shag and me flying the broom alone and first-graders staring at me…'

Remus shook his head like he hadn't really got it. 'Repeat, please. What about girlfriends? And aren't you seeing Susie Thomas?'

'Well, we chatted a few days ago, but…'

'So that's it? No romance?'

'Remus', I sighed. Some day I would figure out how he made me speak about those serious issues all over again, even though just was definitely what I didn't enjoy doing. 'I don't fancy Susie. She's nice, but she's just a friend.'

'A friend with some benefits', Remus corrected.

'I'm not shagging her.'

'Well, if that's what annoying you, maybe you should think about if you really are in love with her and are just denying it - '

I fell sitting on my bed. Remus blinked and stopped, for heaven's sake, and then turned to stare through the window.

'Stop that', I said after a moment. 'You're reading too much from this. I don't like her. We're friends. I don't need a girlfriend. I just need my friends to actually do something sometimes.'

Remus sighed. 'Well, I'm sorry I'm dating someone.'

'No, you aren't.'

He nodded. 'No, I'm not. And I'm still inviting her to join us this evening. But if she doesn't come, I'll be there, anyway.'

I tried to stop my head making images in which the five of us were sitting around the table, not saying a word besides Remus and Sarah, who were snogging like it was the last day on Earth.

'Yeah. Good. I'm going to find James and Peter now.'

I could feel him staring at my back as I walked out of the dormitory.

-

I couldn't realize why I hadn't figured it out before. Sad but true: Sarah Jones was fascinating.

Not like Susie, though, or not like the black-haired Hufflepuff girl I had almost had a crush on last year. I wouldn't have wanted to seduce Sarah and take her to a quiet walk near the lake or to a dark corner of the castle. I didn't even believe that it was totally because Remus was so obviously all about her. She was quite nice-looking in a way almost every girl is, and she had rather interesting, kind of a husky voice, but that wasn't what made her interesting.

It took me a few fire whiskey bottles to realize that I was staring at her. Then I realized that it didn't matter, because James and Peter were talking about girls, anyway, and Sarah obviously tried not to look anyone else but Remus. And Remus was mainly looking at her, too, so no one cared if I checked out my best friend's girlfriend.

The interesting part of her was probably how she was looking at Remus. Her eyes were concentrated and she was biting her lower lip slightly when she leaned forward to listen to Remus. I couldn't help thinking what they did when they were alone. Did they just talk like now? Long conversations about Merlin knows what, weather, other people, themselves? Politics, for heaven's sake?

They looked like they had been able to talk for hours, but they just had to do something else, too. I knew there had been sex in the first weekend in this semester, but after that Remus had said nothing about it, so I was totally out. Did they do it often? Where? In our dormitory? How was Sarah? And Remus?

'Sirius, what're you thinking about?'

I blinked. Remus was staring at me, and when I turned back to look at Sarah, she was doing it, too, her eyes asking a question. Fuck. I grabbed the nearest bottle.

'There's too quiet in here', I said. I couldn't realize if I was sober or not, but it didn't really matter, either. 'How about you?'

'Er', said Remus looking at her fascinating girlfriend. 'I don't know. We were kind of wondering if we had to get back to the school.'

'This early? It's not even eleven.'

'I guess you've got enough already.'

'What? I'm behaving, am I not?'

Remus glanced at Sarah. I grinned, not sure if I wanted the girl run away or stay. Stay, of course. Remus should have his girl tonight. I wasn't trying to disturb them, even though it had been so fucking annoying to listen all of my friends talking about girls for hours. Or to a girl, in Remus' case.

'I could go to sleep', said Sarah staring at Remus with a glance that obviously said 'I could go and fuck you'.

'Me, too', Remus said. 'But for some reason I guess I'm not going to get these guys away from here yet.'

Peter and James had almost pressed their foreheads together and were more like hissing than talking. I managed to hear words like 'Lily' and 'fuck' and 'stubborn' and 'missing' but that was all.

'You could come with me', said Sarah. Oh yeah. He could come with you to shag you. Don't you even think I can't read between the lines.

Remus shook his head slightly. 'I'm sorry. I just feel… I can't leave them here. This autumn I've spent so much time with you, I guess they're kind of pissed off because I'm skipping these evenings, anyway.'

Sarah sighed. Remus kissed her slightly on her cheek. 'But I'll show you the way back. Okay?'

'Yeah', she said after a moment. 'And then you're coming back and watching that your friends can keep themselves from falling under the table. Sounds like fun.'

I wasn't sure if Remus was smiling or not. 'For some reason, it is sometimes. Fun, I mean. Well, I guess we should go before I get too scared to leave them alone for a moment.'

Remus nodded to me before he walked away from the pub with Sarah. I winced at him and he looked tired. Well, if he was planning to run away with her, I didn't want him to think that it was a surprise to me.

*

'You're so lucky that your girl is already sleeping, Moony. It's so fucking beautiful out there and you have no one annoying you…'

He might have sighed, but anyway, he kept letting me to lean on him as we walked slowly towards the castle. I was trying to narrow my eyes to see better, but the world was kind of misty. And dark, of course, but it was totally natural. It was night, about two o'clock, or I was quite sure that Remus had said something like that when he had been pushing us out of Three Broomsticks. Madam Rosmerta might have helped him. I wasn't so sure. James was singing something and no one could ever think clear when James was singing something.

'There was an old witch, living in Greenwich, with her thirty three cats, one was white and one was black - '

'That doesn't rhyme, Prongs', Peter laughed.

'Don't blame me. Didn't write it.'

'You're crazy', Remus muttered. 'You're just crazy. I don't understand why they didn't let me become a Slytherin in the first place.'

James and Peter were getting ahead of us. I didn't know if Remus didn't notice or if he just tried to let them go not to hear the singing.

'Are you sorry, then?' I asked watching the moon that was slowly rising in the dark sky.

'About what?' he asked.

'That you stayed with us. You could be shagging her at the moment, mate.'

He couched. 'What?'

'It's a nice gesture, really. But we get it. You have a girl, you have to make her happy…'

Remus took a better grip of me. Maybe I had tried to walk into a wrong direction. It could have happened. I wasn't exactly sure where the road was.

'I know you're annoyed, Sirius', he said after a moment and his serious voice sank into my head, and for a moment I didn't feel almost any wasted at all.

'What? Am not.'

'Yeah, you're', he said quietly. 'I'm dating someone and Lily is talking to James and we aren't making pranks anymore. Of course you're annoyed. But I like Sarah.'

'Of course you like. I like her, too.'

He stared at me. His eyes were quite tired and quite big and quite blue, too. I wasn't sure if I had ever realized how blue his eyes were. They were almost as blue as the dress the Fat Lady was wearing in her portrait.

'Well, I don't. But she's kind of fascinating, you know. Do you shag often?'

'Sirius, you aren't THAT drunk.'

'I was just asking.'

'I know.' He sighed. 'But you have to remember that I'm not going to disappear. If you don't want me to. I'm seeing her but if you need someone to drag you from Hogwarts when you're too wasted to walk on your own two feet, I will still do it. And I will annoy your to death in the next morning, as you know.'

'Yeah', I said. For some reason I felt a bit better.