A/N: Here you go, my loyal readers. As I've said before, this is very short, and was supposed to be a humourless look-in on Theo and his cousin. It was never really meant to be part of Denial, which is told exclusively from Hermione and Severus's POVs, but due to popular demand, I will add it to the main story this time around. Apologies for the multiple swear words. It's Theo's fault. Thanks to lyn_f and evi10 for providing me with copies. Enjoy!

LB x

Love is a burning thing
and it makes a fiery ring
bound by wild desire
I fell in to a ring of fire.

I fell in to a burning ring of fire
I went down, down, down
and the flames went higher.
And it burns, burns, burns
the ring of fire
the ring of fire.

Johnny Cash – The Ring of Fire

Hans Michelob Schneiderlidl looked up with a frown as his cousin, Theodore Nott, sprang from his chair, hissing a string of expletives through gritted teeth.

"Something the matter, Theo?" Hans asked in a disinterested tone of voice.

Theodore flicked his smouldering joint onto the floor and stamped it out. "I told you there was something wrong with that fucking hash," he spat.

Hans glanced at the carpet, and his frown deepened into a scowl, very different from his usual expression of bored indifference. "That's my mother's best carpet, Theo, and that was a perfectly good spliff."

Theo started to rub at his left hand with his right, a mixed expression of horror and disbelief on his gaunt face. "It's not the hash. It's my ring," he whispered. He looked up at his cousin and raised his voice. "It's my fucking wedding ring. It's burning the fucking hand off me!"

Hans sat up, suddenly intrigued. "Your ring? You mean ... Hermione is ... is …"

"Yes, that's exactly what I fucking mean," Theo snapped, looking frantically around the room for something that might dull the pain. He rounded on Hans, who began to chuckle. "You find this fucking amusing, do you?"

Hans shook his head. "Hermione, eh? I wouldn't have thought she had it in her. Do you reckon she's doing it with an actual human being or just with a good book, perhaps?"

Theo ignored him. "Merlin's fucking beard! I can't take this. Do something, Hans. Get me a bowl of water!"

With three lazy flicks of his wand, Hans Conjured a small table and a glass bowl full of water. "Sit down," he said. "You're ruining the mood."

"Ruining the fucking mood?" Theo asked in disbelief, submerging his hand in the water.

"Better?" Hans asked.

Theo shook his head. "No. Worse, if anything. I can't fucking believe this!"

Hans raised a blond eyebrow. "You didn't expect her to get a little revenge? How many times have you made her ring burn over the last few months?"

"I just didn't think she was the type," Theo said, annoyed. "Are you actually sticking up for her?"

Hans shrugged. "It was bound to happen sooner or later, I suppose."

"Fuck, this hurts," Theo said, pouting.

"Be a man about it," Hans grumbled, returning his attention to his newspaper.

"Be a man about it? I'd like to see how you'd cope with this amount of pain. Seriously. It's fucking agony!" Theo started to pace the room, rubbing his left hand agitatedly on the leg of his jeans. For the first time since he had left his wife, he knew a moment of guilt. He had known her ring would activate when he'd been unfaithful, but he'd had no idea it would be so painful.

He wondered who she could possibly be with, and whether she'd done it because she'd wanted to, or just to get her own back.

He strode angrily from one end of the extravagantly furnished room to the other, swearing under his breath and shooting covert glances at Hans, irritated by his cousin's lack of concern. After a few more minutes of tortuous misery, the burning stopped as suddenly as it had begun.

"It's stopped," he muttered in surprise, raising his hand to his face and examining his ring. "The burning. It's gone!"

"Thank fuck for that," Hans whispered.

ssSss

"Five times," Theo snarled, banging his fist on the table. "Five fucking times in less than a week!"

Hans laughed and gave an unconcerned flick of his blond fringe. "I've never heard you swear so much, Theo. It rather suits you. Funny, really. You're using the F-word, while your wife is actually doing it."

"Yes, thanks for reminding me. I know exactly what she's doing, thanks."

"No problem," Hans muttered as he lit a cigarette.

"I went out for a drink with that Swedish girl last night, and the ring burned so badly I had to leave the fucking bar. And it lasted for over an hour!"

Hans smirked. "So, now your wife's sex life is interfering with your own?"

"Hermione fucking Granger." Theo shook his head and stared into the distance. "Who the fuck is she seeing?" he whispered, his eyes narrowed.

ssSss

Hermione groaned as Severus wrapped his arm around her waist and began to nuzzle at her neck.

"To whom are you writing?" he whispered in her ear.

"You don't want to know," she said, signing her name at the bottom of the parchment and summoning a small bottle from the storeroom.

Severus frowned as she caught the bottle and began to wrap it in brown paper. "Is that Murtlap essence?"

"Yes," she said quietly. "Or you could call it penance, perhaps."

He realised with a start that she was writing to Theo. "You think he deserves it?"

"No, I don't think he deserves anything. But it will make me feel better," she explained.

ssSss

"That's Hermione's owl," Theo said as Hans accepted the package from the large barn owl at the window.

Hans tossed the paper-wrapped package to his cousin. "Maybe you should actually read this one," he suggested.

Theo fingered the parcel suspiciously. He shook it and could hear the unmistakable sound of liquid within. He tore the note from the wrapping and tossed the package back across the room to Hans. "You open it."

Theo read his name on the slip of parchment, recognising his wife's handwriting. It didn't seem to be a Howler: it would have started yelling well before now. He crossed to the fireplace, and was on the verge of tossing the letter among the flames when curiosity overcame him. Ignoring his apprehension, he opened the note.

Dear Theodore,

Please find enclosed one small bottle of strained and pickled solution of Murtlap tentacles. You'll find it eases the pain greatly. You will need it over the coming weeks, so I suggest you learn how to brew it. If you desire a permanent solution to our problem, you know where to find me.

Hermione.

It was almost as if she knew that he had finished reading her note. The second he'd read her signature at the bottom, his ring flared with intense heat. He dropped the piece of parchment to the ground and swore.

"Quick. A bowl," he said to Hans, his jaw clenched in pain.

Hans Conjured a bowl and poured the yellow liquid from the unwrapped bottle. Theo lowered his hand into the solution and gave a sigh of relief.

"It works?" Hans asked.

Theo nodded. "The burning hasn't gone completely, but it's eased."

Hans bent to retrieve Hermione's note from the carpet and quickly scanning the contents.

"It's definitely better than it was before," Theo said. "But what the hell am I supposed to do? Go around with my fucking hand in a bowl every time my estranged wife fancies a shag?"

Hans frowned and glanced down at the letter again. "Hermione suggests that there's a permanent solution to your problem."

"And what's that?" Theo hissed. "Chop my fucking ring finger off?"

Hans rolled his eyes. "You can be incredibly thick for someone supposedly so clever, Theo."

"What's the fucking solution, then?"

Hans smirked. "Get your ass back to London and get yourself a divorce, cousin mine."