For Some Reason

by talismaaneja

Remus has got a girlfriend and Sirius realizes that he finds Remus dating someone quite annoying. It's totally normal, anyway, isn't it? They're best friends, after all. Sirius/Remus.

12. Questions and Answers

Chapter 12: Questions and Answers

That night I lay awake. I couldn't help it: my mind was dizzy with all those thoughts.

I had kissed my best friend, who happened to be a boy.

I had kissed Remus.

Well, to be accurate, I guess he had been the one who had kissed the other in the first place. But I hadn't moved away. I had staid still and kissed him back. Besides, I knew for sure that he had never done it if I hadn't wanted, too. There was no way to blame him.

If I even wanted to blame someone. I sighed and turned my head to see if Remus was sleeping, but it was too dark and all I could see was the back of his head leaning against the pillow. I couldn't hear his breaths.

'Remus?'

I wanted to take it back immediately, but of course I couldn't. For a moment I thought he had been sleeping and hadn't heard me, but then he slowly turned to face at me. It was too dark to see his expression, but he didn't look angry, anyway.

'You aren't sleeping', he muttered, sounding a bit nervous.

'Not really', I said.

I was quite sure he was staring at me, even though I couldn't really see his eyes. Fortunately James was snoring, otherwise it had been all quiet.

'You don't hate me, do you?' he asked suddenly, his voice barely louder than a breath.

'What for?'

I heard him inhale. 'Sirius.'

'There's no reason to hate you', I said. 'You know it.'

'Good.'

I listened to his breaths as they grew more regular. Once I almost said it aloud, but then James moaned something about Lily and I kept my mouth shut. There was no reason to ask, in the end, and maybe I didn't even want to know.

-

'Padfoot? The breakfast's awaiting.'

I stared at James eyes half-open. He looked irritatingly awake and I felt as if I had stayed awake for the whole night. 'Fuck off, Prongs. It's Monday. Nobody misses me.'

'Somebody said that Gary Brown's trying to hit on Susie', Peter's voice called from the bathroom. 'If I was Sirius, I'd be a bit more careful.'

'Brown?' I muttered. 'Susie's gonna kick his ass.'

'You can't know', James said cheerily. 'Get up so that you can be sure.'

'That's not working. She can do whatever she wants.'

James frowned. 'Still claiming that you two aren't really dating? Well, I can tell you that Minerva will miss you anyway, if you skip lessons.'

'I'm done with Minerva. Where's Moony?'

I heard Peter bursting into laughter. 'I'm quite sure Moony's taken…'

'Shut up, git. Where's he?'

James shrugged. 'He was already gone when we woke up. I guess he has just gone to eat earlier.'

'He's probably with Sarah', Peter called. I wanted to hit him. Or vomit.

'I'm not hungry', I said. 'You go ahead. I'm gonna come straight to the class.'

Peter had got out off the bathroom and they were staring at each other. I wanted to throw something at them, but I didn't really plan to give away my only pillow. After a moment James shrugged and they went. I closed my eyes and was happy when their irritating voices vanished to the stairs. Then I got up and stumbled to the bathroom.

I ended up sitting on the floor my back against the cold wall and the water falling onto me. I kept my eyes shut and tried to block every possible thought away from my head, but it wasn't working as well as I had wanted it to. Maybe there was just too much to think about. Maybe I had fever or something. And the crappiest thing was that I would have wanted Remus to be there, to clear my messed head and say something clever or just say anything, for that matter. However, I had a faint feeling that Remus being here might have made things in my head even fuzzier this time.

I hadn't got a slightest idea of what I wanted. Okay, I had kissed Remus. That happened. I had kissed James once, too. It had been summer before the sixth grade and Remus and Peter had come to a visit, and so we had celebrated that by drinking fire whiskey and playing some stupid games, one of which involved telling what you've never done. None of us had never kissed a boy and I have a very messy image of Peter cheering when I and James pressed our mouths together just for a second.

But this had been different. This time, there hadn't been fire whiskey or stupid games or laughing friends. Just Remus having just come out off the bathroom his hair still wet. And kissing me. There was no way I could just laugh at it and then forget.

I was beginning to get really cold, so I turned off the water and stumbled onto my feet. The breakfast was still going on, but I didn't feel I could eat anything. Fuck. If I didn't want to eat, something was really wrong, and I just wanted things to get back to how they used to be. Especially when it came to Remus.

Besides the fact that I didn't want him to be seeing Jones. Jones was annoying and Remus didn't even seem to be in love with her, so why the heck hadn't he broken up with her yet?

Remus should have said something, really. Besides, Remus had been the one kissing in the first place, so that he had some kind of responsibility about talking, hadn't he? And he was the adult one. I was the one who always got in trouble and Remus cleared everything up. He was sensible and always knew what was going on, so why the heck couldn't he know now? Why had he vanished before I even woke up and why hadn't he spoken a word to me after that… kissing accident, besides asking me if I hated him?

I wanted to hit Remus. Sighing, I saw myself taking a firm grip of his shoulders, pressing him against the wall and punching him straight to his face. Oh, fuck, and then his nose would just bleed and I would have to sit besides him holding tissues for him and feeling just more crappy for having hurt him.

I glanced at the clock. Seven fifty a.m. I had ten minutes left before the class. Fine. I would go there and act just casual and sooner or later Remus would talk to me. And maybe then I would know what I was thinking.

-

It didn't get better. It got worse.

I was quite sure that Remus wasn't avoiding me, not really. It was more like he was not talking to me if he could help it. When I asked him to pass me the potatoes in the lunch, he did, but didn't watch me into eyes or say anything. After that I decided that it was better not to talk to him, if that was what he wanted. If Remus couldn't find anything proper to say, there was no way I could have, either.

After the dinner I tried to steal a half an hour or so with Susie, following her through the corridors until she sighed and stopped to wait for me. When I reached her, she grabbed my sleeve and, instead of kissing me, she gave me a quite friendly hug.

'Where's that coming from?' I asked.

'You look weird.'

'Thank you very much.'

She moved back, frowning. 'Seriously. Something's bothering you.'

I shrugged. 'It's nothing. Just a bad day. Could we go somewhere else?'

'Like?'

'Don't know. Anywhere without people. Room of Requirement. With a bed.'

'Oh', she said, rubbing my fingers between her palms. 'Fine. I have to escape Potions' homework, anyway.'

After thirty minutes I didn't felt any better. I was lying next to Susie, who was stroking my hair slightly, but for some reason I just felt awfully, awkwardly absurd. Like I hadn't belonged there. Like I hadn't wanted to be with her but someone else. And when I closed my eyes and pressed my mouth against her bare neck, I could only see Remus.

It's definitely awkward, lying next to a naked girl you've just had sex with and everything you can think about is your best friend.

'I'm sorry', I muttered to her skin.

'About what?' she asked, her voice soft and a bit absent.

'I kissed Remus.'

I sensed the tensions spreading over her as the words escaped my mouth and for a few seconds I wondered if I had better run away and forget I ever said anything to her. I didn't even have a clue why I had said it aloud. I hadn't surely planned it.

Then I felt Susie's fingers groping the back of my neck and inhaled deeply.

'Say something.'

'What do you want?' she asked, sounding a bit tired. 'I've just had sex with you. I can't really think too clearly just now.'

'Sorry.'

'And really, I don't think you kissing Remus is actually my problem. But I don't get it. Apparently it was a real kiss, not just fooling around, because you're telling me.'

'No', I said right away, then rubbed my forehead and sighed, 'hell, of course it wasn't a real kiss, but it was… We just… I don't know. We just talked and then it happened. And he was the one doing the kissing.'

'Do you fancy him?'

'He's my best friend.'

She sighed. 'I don't know what I can say. Didn't you talk about it? I thought Remus was quite keen on talking.'

'He just asked me not to hate him. As if I ever could.'

'Is he still seeing Sarah?'

'Yes', I muttered, 'unfortunately.'

I was a bit surprised to hear her laugh shortly. Then she turned away from me and grabbed her clothes that had ended up lying across the floor.

'What do you think?' I asked, sitting up. 'Susie? Say something. Please. He's been avoiding me for the whole fucking day and I don't know what the heck's going on his head.'

'You should ask him', she answered, pulling her skirt on. 'Or yourself. In fact, I thought I should have guessed. You've always been a bit obsessed about him, if I remember right. And you've been so shocked about him dating someone. It's somehow quite obvious.'

'What's obvious?'

She opened her mouth and then shut it again, turning to face me. She looked awfully small, sitting on the bed wearing only skirt and bra, her long hair messy and eyes a bit sad.

'I can't understand how you can mess your things up like that', she said finally. 'And it's not my business, of course, but I think you should definitely try to figure it out. Talk to Remus or lock yourself into the bathroom and sit there until you know what you're thinking, I don't care, just do something.'

I stared at her, as she smiled at me rather quickly and then leaned forward to kiss me slightly, before turning around and walking to the corridor. I kept looking at the closed door for a few minutes. And how the hell did she think I could get my mind clear? Every time I tried to think I just got more confused.

-

Remus was sitting on his bed, reading a book that looked nothing but boring. I stopped in the doorway, glancing across the room but James and Peter were apparently elsewhere. Well, it wasn't hard to guess that James was somewhere with Lily, and I hadn't got enough patience to try to figure out where Peter might have been. Besides, I felt something thickening in my throat as I stared at Remus, and it was demanding my whole focus.

'Pete's flying', Remus muttered without looking at me. 'James is with Lily.'

'I thought so', I said, wondering if my voice sounded any casual. 'What are you reading?'

He frowned, turning the book to see its cover. 'Dragon And Where To Hide One.'

'Planning to get a dragon?'

'It's a novel', Remus said. 'Tells about… fuck, I don't know. It's not too good, really.'

'I wasn't going to read it, anyway', I said. 'Moony?'

He flinched a bit, finally looking at me behind his book. I inhaled deeply, trying to avoid the feeling that told me to run away as fast as I could, or joke about something, anything, or ask about Potions' homework.

'Are you avoiding me?'

He shook his head a bit too quickly. 'No.'

'Then we should probably talk', I said, walking to my bed and sitting down. 'You know I hate it, so please say something. Just something, so that we can go back to normal.'

He looked nervous. 'I wasn't trying to avoid you. I just… felt weird.' He took a deep breath. 'And I'm sorry, you know. About yesterday.'

I nodded, not sure if that was the right gesture, but I didn't really know what else to do. This conversation was making me feel like I had had a firm knot where my stomach should have been. 'Don't be. I'm not… offended…'

'I didn't plan to', he said. 'I just… I don't know…'

'I got it. Really. You don't have to explain.'

'I don't know how to', he muttered, looking quite frustrated. 'I just don't - '

'I've got a date!' James' voice called from the doorway.

Both of us flinched. Remus' face disappeared behind his book, when James burst in, stumbling across the room and ending up falling onto his bed.

'A date?' I asked, my voice cracking a bit weirdly, but hopefully he didn't notice it. I tried to see if Remus was watching, but he just stared at his book. 'You're dating Evans, Prongs, do you remember?'

'Yeah, git'¸ James answered with a broad grin, 'and I've got a date with her. Friday night. Hogsmeade.'

'We were there a week ago.'

'Yeah, we', he repeated. 'But this time I'm gonna go with just her. You'll go wherever you want but I'm going to spend the whole night with her.'

'I don't still get why you look like you had proposed her and she had said yes', I said, grimacing when the thought occurred into my mind. 'You didn't, Prongs, did you? You're only eighteen, for Merlin's sake!'

'I didn't propose her', he said, a bit annoyed, 'although I hope you'll react far better when I do. It's just… you know what she's thinking about breaking the rules. And now she's agreed to do it, with me. Not just some quick decision made out of blue.'

'I don't understand how you can be so excited about that.'

'Then you're just dating the wrong girl, Pads', James said, now rushing to the bathroom. 'Maybe you should try to hit on someone else. Don't you really fancy anyone, for real?'

I wanted to hit anyone. Just anyone. Remus would have been my choice number one, in the circumstances, but then I probably would have had to explain James why I had done it.

'Shut up, Prongs. And we're going to Hogsmeade this evening.'

'What?' That was Remus.

'Yeah. And Pete's coming, too.'

'It's Monday.'

'Whatever. I have to go.'

'Are you alright?' I heard James' calling when I rushed to the door. 'Have you had a fight with Susie?'

I closed a door as fast as I could.

-

'I miss Lily', James said, leaning his head against his palm. 'Why did I come here?'

'To have fun with your friends', said Peter, sounding a bit irritated. 'Cheer up, mate. You're gonna see her tomorrow.'

'I'm too old for this', James mumbled. 'Really. Lily wanted to go to the library…'

'So we saved you', Peter snapped. 'Pads, what're you doing?'

I blinked. He was staring at me, frowning. Well, I surely wasn't doing anything special. I was just leaning my elbow against the table and my cheek agaist my palm and watching how Remus played with the glass… oh, fuck.

'Nothing. Moony's quiet.'

'So are you.'

'You aren't drunk enough.'

'Maybe Sarah's waiting for him', James intervened. 'Pads, are you serious with Susie?'

I rolled my eyes. 'Where's this coming from? We didn't come here to talk about my love life.'

'Could we talk about my love life?' Peter asked quickly. 'I think Maria's been avoiding me.'

'What did you do?' James asked, turning to face him. 'Tell me so that I can learn and not to do it.'

'I don't know', Peter said. 'I'm pretty sure I did nothing.'

'Maybe that's the problem', James remarked. 'Moony, what do you think?'

Remus grimaced. I didn't know if it was meant to be a smile, but it really didn't look too happy. 'About what?'

'About Wormtail and Maria. After all, you're the one with a serious relationship.' James coughed. 'Besides me, of course. Lily and me are very serious.'

'Yeah, you're sneaking to Hogsmeade with her on Friday night', I added. 'Very serious.'

'Go to hell.'

I sighed and went to buy another bottle of fire whiskey. This didn't seem to help at all. We had been in Hogsmeade almost an hour and everything we'd got was James getting pissed off, because he wasn't having a lovely time with his Evans. I wanted to throw something at him, but then I had been alone with Peter, whose good mood was far too weird for now, and Remus, who just kept staring at his bottle and didn't say a word.

After two hours, James had cheered up. I guess it had something to do with a few empty bottles, but well, maybe he had just realized how he didn't need Lily to make him happy. At least, not all the time. And Peter had apparently forgot Maria Brown and wasn't talking about girls anymore, which was uncommon but really welcome, since it seemed that lately girls were all that we had been talking about. And somehow all those discussions ended up wondering why I wasn't getting serious enough with Susie or anyone else and what was wrong with me. That really wasn't a discussion I wanted to be having at the moment.

Besides, I was serious. I was serious when it came to my friends, or at least when it came to Remus, but it was totally logical, really. Half of James' head was always thinking Lily, and since Peter seemed to spend more time with James than me, anyway, so it was Remus who was left. I was serious with Remus. Besides the kiss, of course, which was just a stupid thing that still for some reason couldn't be explained.

A bottle fell to the floor, making me to blink. Well, I hadn't apparently missed anything important. Peter and James were talking about something as fast as they ever could so that I couldn't even recognize what they were saying. Or maybe that was because I didn't really bother to listen to them.

'What're you thinking?'

I turned to look at Remus. He was staring at me, probably because of those three bottles that were lying empty on the table in front of him. I didn't want to complain, though. If fire whiskey made Remus look me into eyes, that was only good.

'Nothing special', I answered. 'You're talking to me.'

'Of course I'm talking to you', he said. He looked a bit… confused. I frowned. I was a bit too tipsy to really interpret his expressions right now. Except his cheeks. They were reddish. 'I told you so. I wasn't avoiding you. I guess you should be the one who's avoiding the other.'

'Fuck, no.'

He leaned his head against his hands, shaking it slightly. Then he grabbed the bottle that was lying in front of him. Unfortunately, it was empty.

'I don't want things to go weird.'

'Me neither', he said, staring at me again. It was a bit odd, really, how intensively Remus could stare even though he was supposed to be drunk.

'But I can't talk, either.'

'I know', he said. 'You suck when it comes to talking. Honestly.'

'Fuck off. I just don't like it.'

'Sure', he said, sighing quite loudly. 'Well, we don't want things to weird and we don't want to talk. Sounds good.'

'Sounds like crap.'

'Yeah.'

'I guess I'm finished with Susie.'

He blinked. James was patting him on the shoulder for Merlin knows what reason, but I'm not sure if he noticed it. I bit my lip and tried to focus on finding words.

'Why?' he whispered quite urgently.

I shook my head. 'It just… I don't know… We talked today, about… things. I think she thinks we are done, too.'

'You told her? About…?'

I swallowed. 'Sorry. It just slipped…'

'No, I don't care… What did she say? Is she going to… er, tell someone?'

I thought about it. 'I don't think so. And she didn't say anything special. She just told me to get my head together.'

Remus exhaled deeply. I couldn't decide if he sounded relieved or not, because then James leaned against his shoulders and he turned to look at him, a bit irritated. I closed my eyes and ignored the feeling that I was going to fall onto the floor in any moment. Fuck. Susie had a point but I could never figure things out, it all was just too messy.

'Don't ask', Remus was saying.

'Are you guys having problems?' James asked. 'Am sorry, Moony. But you know, every couple has problems sometimes. Me and Lily too, even though I'm gonna marry her… Why's Sarah mad at you?'

'She's not mad', Remus said, glancing at me. I was quite sure I ought to look away, but my reflects were a bit too slow to react properly. 'Let's talk about something else.'

'I miss Lily', James muttered.

We went back to the castle around midnight. I don't know how Remus ended up leaning against my shoulder, and that was a bit problematic, too, because I wasn't walking exactly steadily myself. Anyway, we got back to the castle apparently quite fast, since I don't remember anything but rubbing Remus' elbow as he clinged onto my jacket, and then James throwing a snowball at us and us falling to the snow. Remus was lying in the snow and laughing, very drunk indeed, but his voice was so exciting and fascinating and I pressed my forehead against his head, and I guess that was when Peter aimed that big snowball at us.