A/N: Happy new year to you all! And thanks for the review, WelcomeToTheAsylum! I too feel kind of sorry for Sarah, but let's hope she'll be happy with however the things turn out in the end. Also, thanks for the piece of advice with 'Ms. and Mrs.'!

So, here we go again! Only few chapters to go... Feel free to tell me what you're thinking of it!

Chapter 13: It's Weird, It's Okay

'I'm never gonna drink again.'

I inhaled deeply. That wasn't the voice I wanted to wake me up, but clearly I hadn't got a choice. Besides, I didn't even have anything to throw at James so that he would shut up. Then I heard the bathroom door opening and closing. Well, that would save me from his whining for a few minutes.

'Padfoot? Are you still sleeping?'

That was Peter. I opened my eyes reluctantly and watched how he stood in front of the mirror, sorting out his short brown hair that had nothing to sort out, really. Peter didn't look like he had a hang-over and I was almost jealous. Well, I was jealous. I felt like a horse had sat down onto my face. Or something else. My imagination hadn't really woken up yet.

'You aren't', Peter said, when I stared at him. 'Good. You're gonna come to the breakfast?'

'I can't get up.'

'You didn't drink that much.'

'I drank faster than your eyes can see.'

'Surely', Peter said, kicking the bathroom door. I flinched. 'Prongs, get ready!'

'I want to puke!' James called from the bathroom.

'Breakfast helps. Come on. Padfoot's not getting his ass off that bed and I want to eat.'

After a few seconds James appeared to the doorway. He looked quite crappy. Seeing that, I felt a bit better. 'Breakfast? You think I can handle it?'

'Yeah', Peter said calmly. I wasn't sure whether he was bluffing or not, but James shrugged, anyway, grabbed a clean T-shirt and then followed him, rubbing his hair.

I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes again. Yes, the annoying voices were away and nobody was waiting for me. Professors didn't count. Slughorn would be just happy to get rid off me for one day.

Then I remembered Remus. Had he gone already? I turned to look at his bed despite the annoying aching in the back of my head, and no, he hadn't gone already. He was apparently still sleeping. His face was calm and his expression smooth. He looked like he had been almost smiling, but just almost. I blinked, wondering what he was dreaming about. Maybe something about Sarah.

Oh, fuck. I should stop thinking Sarah. Some day I would accidentally hex her and Remus would never forgive me, and, besides, it would be awfully difficult to explain why I had done it.

'Aren't you going to go to the breakfast?'

I flinched. His eyes were still closed, but even though his voice had been a bit cracking, he was clearly awake. Shit. 'You aren't sleeping?'

'Peter and James were quite loud. I thought I'd be happier if I let them think I'm asleep, though. Besides, I've got an awful headache.'

'Same here.' His brown hair looked like it had its own life, really. And he looked quite pale. 'Are you okay?'

'Just hang-over. Fuck. I wasn't planning to drink that much.'

Well, I had to admit that it was a weird thing for Remus to do, accidentally drink too much. 'So, why did you?'

He grimaced. 'Don't know. Had to. My mind was overworking.'

'Yeah. Same here.'

'You can't possibly feel as crappy as me.'

'Don't underestimate me', I said. 'Fuck. That word was far too long.'

He laughed a bit, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. I sort of knew that I was staring at him, but it didn't really matter for now. I was far too tired to care, and so I let my eyes follow him when he stood up and walked to the bathroom. I heard the water splashing as he was probably washing his face, and after a few moments he returned to the doorm his face and neck wet. There was still water dripping off his hair.

'I thought I'd wake up', he muttered, stopping to watch himself from the mirror. 'Well, it didn't help.'

I couldn't find anything sensible to say. I watched him as he went to the wardrobe and picked a pair of jeans and a grey T-shirt that I had seen on him thousands of times. A few years ago we had used to tease him because of wearing the same clothes all the time, and how the ladies didn't like it. Now I couldn't understand what I had been thinking.

I was probably trying to get to the bathroom and Remus just happened to get into my way, or that's what I thought twenty seconds later. But what I actually did was that I stood up, walked towards him and stopped just a few inches away. He was looking to the opposite direction and turned to face me when I already was there. He looked kind of confused as I grabbed his arm and pressed my forehead against his.

I heard him breath, quite hard now. I closed my eyes to escape his stare. I thought he would move away, just an inch, or that he would hit me or shout at me or laugh at me asking what the hell I was doing, because really, I had no idea. But instead he just stayed there, just breathing, and after a few awfully long seconds I felt his fingers pressing against my shoulder.

'Fuck', he muttered between his grinned teeth. 'Pads, we're crazy.'

I heard him gasp as he moved away from me. He was staring at me, his blue eyes wide open and a bit startled, mouth half-open as he pushed the hand that had lain against my shoulder to his pocket. I probably just kept staring at him, when he threw the last glance at me and then rushed to the door.

When he had gone, I walked to my bed, pulled the blanket over my head and wondered how long I could stay there before somebody came.

xxxxxxxx

James came after Potions. I tried to claim that I was sick and I would throw up right away if they forced me to get up, but of course he wouldn't listen. After five minutes I was walking towards the History of Magic classroom with a knot in my stomach.

The knot stayed there. Eating was quite hard to begin with, and Remus was sitting next to Sarah and I would have preferred throwing the food at them to eating it. Remus looked a bit distant but answered to Sarah when she said something, and she had wrapped her fingers around his elbow like she had been trying to tell everyone she owned him.

After that I skipped a few lessons and went to fly. I just couldn't bear seeing them. I came to the dinner my fingers half-frozen but didn't feel any better.

In the evening, James wanted to spend some time with Lily and we ended up sitting in the living room. I played Wizard Chess with Peter until Peter got frustrated with me not concentrating. Or I'm quite sure that's what he said.

At night, I lay staring at the ceiling and listening to Remus breathing.

xxxxxxx

'So, you've broken up with Susie?'

I tried not to look at Remus but didn't succeed too well. He was writing something, his back turned to us and shoulders a bit tense, but then again, the full moon was just a few days away.

'Padfoot?' James asked, and I realized I hadn't answered a question.

'We weren't together in the first place.'

'Whatever you call it, then, are you finished? I haven't seen you talking to her for two weeks.'

Two weeks? It felt like eternity. I hadn't talked to Remus for two weeks, not really. Of course, we had to speak with each other, but it was never proper talking. I didn't know who was avoiding whom, but when we happened to be somewhere alone, both of us immediately hurried away.

'That's because I haven't been talking to her for two weeks.'

'Have you got someone else, then?'

I shook my head.

'Too bad', James said, shrugging. 'I thought Susie was quite nice. It was just that you didn't seem to be in love with her.'

'Because I wasn't.'

'It's a shame. Maybe you're just a bit picky, Padfoot.'

'Oh, drop it, please', Remus snapped.

We turned around. He was still staring at whatever that was that he was writing, but his hand had stopped and I could see from his knuckles that he was holding the pen tightly.

'What?' James coughed.

'You're just happy, I know', Remus said, slowly turning to face us. 'And you want everyone else to be, too. That's good, I think, but it just doesn't work that way.'

'It should', he remarked, a bit sharply. 'I don't understand why it has to be so difficult. And it's not about the war.'

'No', Remus answered. 'It just is. Let him be, please. Not everyone can have what you and Lily have.'

'You're dating, too!' James said. 'You've been dating for almost a year. And how's that different from me and Lily? We just happen to be in love. That could happen to anyone.'

'It's not that simple', Remus barked. 'And you can't blame Sirius for not falling for Susie. You yourself have fallen in love with just one girl. You can't blame someone for not finding anyone.'

'But you did', James claimed. 'I don't mean you must, but it's just… there's a war going on, and within a few months we're gonna be there. I just want you to be happy. I want you to have someone you can trust on.

'I'm not in love with Sarah', Remus said, firmly. 'I'm sorry, but I'm not. I like her and I'm frightened to leave her, but I'm not in love with her. And I don't think we all could ever be happy, it's just too much to ask.'

'But, Moony, that really sucks – '

Remus shrugged. 'It seems to be how the things are, I'm afraid. And I don't care. Just let Sirius be.'

James turned to look at me, but I couldn't really find anything proper to answer him. After a few seconds he shook his head slightly and rushed to the door, his steps vanishing to the stairs.

'Er, thanks', I said, 'I guess.'

Remus looked pale, sitting on the chair and staring at me. 'I just couldn't keep my mouth shut.'

'How long are you gonna keep it up?'

'What?'

'Sarah.'

He looked through the window. It was snowing slightly and the scenery looked weirdly peaceful. It was absurd, hearing them talking about the war and how not everyone could be happy and then standing there, looking at Remus who hadn't been really talking to me for too many days.

'I don't know', he said finally. 'I can't figure out what I should do. And it feels thousand times worse when I can't even talk about it with you.'

I sat down. 'You could talk to me.'

'I know. It just… weird.'

I threw the pillow at the wall. 'It wasn't supposed to go like this.'

'I know. I just feel… awkward, you know. And with Sarah… I can't do anything right anymore. She hasn't said anything yet, but I can feel it coming. And she's gonna demand explanations, like why I've been acting like this and why I can't sleep with her anymore and - '

'You can't?'

He smiled quite unhappily. 'Well, it's not about being able to. But I feel… distracted. Distant. Like I wouldn't like to be there. And that's quite disturbing, really, so I've tried to avoid it.'

'But you aren't gonna break up with her?'

'Should I?' It wasn't a demand or a threat, it was just a simple question. He stared at me his eyes filled with an expression that was a combination of everything I couldn't interpret, maybe confusion, frustration… I didn't know. I bit my lip and tried to find a good way to say 'yes, definitely'.

Except that there was no good way. What if Remus listened to me? What if they broke up? For a moment I thought that maybe there was something that Sarah kept together, something weird between me and Remus and her and if they broke up, who knew what would happen. I didn't.

'That's what I meant', he said finally, when I couldn't answer. 'It's just far too complicated. I don't love her and I know that it must end eventually, but I can't end it.'

I nodded. 'This sucks.'

He laughed a bit, without managing to sound happy at all. 'I know. This sucks. And I can't realize how we ended up being here.'

'Me, neither. I didn't plan anything.'

'It wasn't you, Pads. I kissed you.'

'I didn't exactly push you away.'

He opened his mouth and then shut it again, closing his eyes and rubbing them with his fingers. I wanted him to lean against my shoulder and sleep there, like sometimes when he had been drunk and needed someone to hold him together. A long time ago, it seemed.

'I'm not a poof', he said finally, sounding exhausted.

'Nor am I.'

'I'm dating a girl.'

'I liked Susie', I said. 'I really did.'

He shook his head slightly, his hair falling to his face. 'Promise me something. Please. Promise me that whatever comes you aren't gonna hate me.'

I blinked. 'That's easy.'

'Please.'

'I promise. But that's a silly thing to ask. I can't figure out why you'd think I'd ever hate you.'

He smiled a bit. 'I can. I don't think I can admire myself too much at the moment.'

'Well, I do.'

He inhaled deeply, just sitting there, looking at me. For a moment I felt I had done nothing but stared at his eyes for a past few months. I almost laughed aloud, but just almost.

'Maybe we should sneak to the kitchen', I cut the silence. 'I could use some fire whiskey.'

'Me, too', he said. His voice was cracking a bit. 'Which one of us goes to find James?'

'I can', I promised. 'You should go and get a cold shower. You look like crap.'

'What happened to admiring me?'

'You're just far more admirable when you aren't looking like you could collapse from the exhaustion. Besides, James probably went to the common room. I'm quite sure he's snogging with Lily. And Peter's waiting for them to stop so that he and Lily can play Wizard Chess.'

'The boy's never gonna give up', Remus said, shaking his head. 'Okay. Find them. I'll take that shower.'

'Great', I said.

It would have been a great conversation, really, hadn't there been a small, awkward moment when my eyes got stuck on his' before I stood up and went to the stairs. Still, rushing to the common room just to find James and Lily lying on the couch their arms and legs wrapped together, I felt far better than for a long time. About two weeks, to be accurate.

xxxxxxxxx

'You're daft', Lily muttered.

'That's why you love us', James said, 'I mean, me. You love me.'

'Oh, watch your pride, Potter.'

'Watch your attitude, Evans.'

I shook my head. They were the ones who had the Invisibility Cloak and still I was certain that if someone got caught this evening, that would be James and Lily. I, Remus and Peter were following them quietly, but they were whispering to each other all the time and once I thought I heard them kissing. Well, at least it would be easy to blame them afterwards, if McGonagall caught us. And I would be the first one to laugh at Lily when she realized that she would be going to get detention.

'She shouldn't have come', Peter muttered. 'Either Flinch will catch us or they'll disappear and we'll never find them.'

'I guess they can find their way back to the Gryffindor tower', Remus whispered.

'I'm not sure if they bothered to try.'

'I can hear you', James called with his low voice. 'Just kept you big mouths shut. We're almost there.'

I loved kitchen, even though the house-elves always reminded me of things I didn't want to remember. Still, the place felt somewhat safe. The air was always filled with all those smells and flavours and nothing but that existed. The whole world behind the kitchen wall would disappear at the moment when you stepped inside.

'Incredible', I heard Lily whispering as the door snapped shut behind us.

'You don't have to whisper anymore', James said, taking the cloak off so that we could see them again. 'The house-elves won't get us caught.'

'Really? They should.'

'Maybe your great example advices them', James suggested. 'Well, I'm hungry.'

'You just ate at dinner.'

'It's not about eating', James explained to her. 'It's about this place. It's like - oh, hello, Winky.'

The house-elf was looking at us. 'Are you hungry, masters? What would you like to eat?'

Lily kept looking across the wide, a bit dark room when James spoke about sandwiches and sausages and things like that. I was happy that he asked them to get a bar of chocolate, anyway. Remus looked still a bit tired.

'Here', Peter said, holding a few bottles of fire whiskey.

Lily turned to us, staring at the bottles. 'Where did you get those? They surely didn't - '

'We know this place', James said quickly. 'And they don't mind even if a few bottles disappear. Really. Just enjoy. They love when someone enjoys eating the food they've made.'

In a few minutes Lily had forgotten that she was supposed to be responsible Head Girl. She was sitting on James' lap as they ate the same sandwich. I thought it would be better to start the first bottle, and Remus and Peter seemed to think the same.

'I can't understand how they manage to look so happy', Peter muttered. 'It's like nothing's gonna harm them, ever.'

'He waited for her five years', Remus said. 'That pretty much explains why they look so happy now.'

'I don't know if I'm ever able to be that obsessed with someone', Peter said, sounding actually sad. 'Fuck, I'm tired of watching them. I guess I'm gonna find Maria.'

'Now?'

'We had a fight yesterday. I ought to talk to her, anyway.'

'Now?' I said.

'What were you fighting about?' Remus asked.

Peter shrugged. 'I don't know. We're fighting about everything when we're in the mood. But now I don't feel like fighting.'

He stood up from the chair he had been sitting on. I glared at Remus, but he seemed a bit distant and so I blinked and threw a glance at Peter. 'You're really leaving?'

'Sorry. We could probably go to Hogsmeade on Friday. But don't let James take Lily with him.'

'That's almost impossible', Remus said, smiling a bit sadly. 'Go, then. We'll drink your fire whiskey.'

Peter laughed. 'Thanks.

And so there we were, the four of us, even though James and Lily seemed to be having some kind of a battle about who ate more chocolate biscuits before breaking into laughter, or maybe it was about who was looking more stupid trying to balance a chocolate biscuit over his or her head. I and Remus could as well have been alone. Remus even tried to start a conversation about if house-elves where happy with their lives or if we ought to treat them as they were independent creatures, but really, we didn't have a chance. Looking at Lily and James, it was so hard to believe that just a year ago Lily had tried to hex James into a frog after getting exceptionally angry about one very ingenious prank.

Eventually we gave up. Also, because either one of us could eat a single bite anymore, we decided to sneak out of the kitchens with Peter's share of fire whiskey bottles. James probably didn't even recognize that we were gone.

We ended up sitting on the floor in Astronomy Tower, a weird place to drink a bottle of fire whiskey with your friend, but an excellent place to just sit down and watch the stars and feel awfully small. It was somehow comforting.

'You know, Pads', Remus said with a half-empty bottle and a slight frown, 'I've been messing things up lately, between us two. And I just… I just… am happy that you're being such a good mate. That you haven't freaked out totally. I couldn't stand it.'

'No reason for me to be freaked out', I mumbled, not saying aloud that I wasn't completely sure if he was the one who was messing things up. In fact, I was pretty sure that it was me.

'I'm happy we got to talk today', Remus kept on talking, 'although it's hard to find a conclusion, but even the fact that we can still talk makes me happier. And I really am sorry that I'm being so weird.'

I watched the stars winkle in the sky – if you looked straight at them, they kind of faded away. Maybe it was pretty much the same with my thoughts. 'Moony, you really shouldn't apologize.'

'But I never meant to make things weird – '

He was just going on and on about it, and I wasn't even sure what he was saying anymore, and he apologizing was getting on my nerves. We were sitting right next to each other on the cold floor and I had a weird, fuzzy feeling in my head, and then I kissed him.

'What?' Remus kind of barked when our foreheads collided.

'Shut up', I snapped, not unfriendly, just unable to answer.

He tasted like whiskey. His jaw felt weirdly hoarse against my skin and I felt him staring at me, still maybe trying to ask questions, and therefore I just kissed him a bit harder. He grabbed my arm and I stumbled towards him, trying not to break the kiss, trying not to think. And yes, he was kissing me back, quite clumsily but what's to be expected, really, and he squeezed my arm and his other hand had somehow ended up caressing the back of my head, playing with my hair that hadn't been washed in ages, oh shit.

It was weird. It was good.

I kept my eyes closed and didn't even think about stopping until Remus gave a slight whimper. I backed away, gasping my breath, and saw him staring right back at me. His eyes were full of everything.

'I have to break up with Sarah', he said with surprisingly clear voice, stood up and walked away.

Before I could even say anything, I was sitting on the cold floor of Astronomy Tower, alone.