Mad as a Hatter

Peeves the Poltergeist whistled a merry tune as he zoomed along the corridors. Today was August 31st. Peeves was working especially hard on preparing the castle for the students that were due to arrive the next day. Say what you will, but Peeves was no slacker.

Angling a bucket filled with slime on top of a slightly jarred door, Peeves suddenly froze. He could have sworn he heard the familiar sound of shackles dragging across the floor – Oh no!

Peeves flew around the corner trying to desperately stifle his frightened squeals. The Bloody Baron still hadn't forgiven him for overhearing Peeves mock about him to a first year. He was going to have his transparent head for sure!

If the Bloody Baron manages to get rid of me, the Fat Lady would be so disappointed, he thought wistfully, too busy reminiscing about his one sided fling with Gryffindor's portrait to notice Professor Dumbledore's door open.

"Why, hello there Peeves!" greeted Dumbledore, blue eyes twinkling as he regarded the Poltergeist who slammed to a halt at the mention of his name. "What brings you here?"

"None of your business, old man," said Peeves snidely. Dumbledore always thought the Poltergeist was a riot and let him get away with minor things so Peeves made sure to use this to his full advantage.

"Ah, my apologies," smiled Dumbledore, totally unfazed as he held up a bowl of yellow candy. "Would you care for a lemon drop? They're my latest fascination."

Peeves blew a raspberry.

"Yes, well, all right. I better be off. The staff meeting commences in … well now. Good day."

Peeves was about to fly off to double check his booby traps, but stopped when he noticed Dumbledore's door was partially opened. Peeves giggled as he rubbed his hands together. He hadn't been up there for quite awhile! Rolling up the sleeves of his loud orange suit, he zoomed up the stairs.

Dumbledore's office hadn't changed much. He still had his stupid collection of knickknacks scattered about, but Peeves didn't stop and stare, because an idea popped in his mind.

Peeves made a beeline for the cabinet. The Sorting Hat rested on the first shelf sighing deeply through the jagged line across the brim.

"What's wrong, Hattie?"

"I hate everyone!" replied the hat angrily. "They all refuse to fix the hole by my brim! I mean, honestly, they're wizards! How hard is it to patch up a hole?"

"I think you should do something about it," said Peeves. He opened up the cabinet door and suddenly yelled, "Ooh, I know!"

"What is it?" asked the Sorting Hat desperately, wanting to get revenge. "I'm all ears – er, metaphorically speaking of course, since I'm a hat, and hats don't have ears."

September 1st 1971

The Sorting Hat smirked as Professor McGonagall whipped the sheet off of him the next day. The Poltergeist and he had stayed up late last night concocting their plan of revenge. The Sorting Hat was so excited; he didn't even berate the Transfiguration teacher for unveiling him before she gave him the signal to prepare.

No, no. He couldn't worry about pesky things like that at times like this.

The Sorting Hat surveyed the first years crowded before him. If he was paying attention, he would've noticed that this year's batch looked pretty interesting. A boy with messy hair and glasses was snickering quietly with a boy with black straight hair and startling grey eyes, jeering at the Slytherin table. A couple children glared at them to be quite.

Professor McGonagall coughed quietly. It was time for The Sorting Hat to begin. Clearing his throat for the 467th time that morning, he commenced:

Today I have something important to say,

So all of you motor mouths better shut up, okay?

A thousand years before this day,

I was brought upon to sort who came.

The four founders each gave me specific traits,

To look for deep inside you ingrates!

But the thing they forgot to mention to me,

Was why their qualities didn't seem to be?

Godric Gryffindor said he was strong like a cattle,

But he fled away when he was thrust into battle!

Helga Hufflepuff wanted her children to be true,

But she cheated on her husband whenever he caught the flu.

Rowena Ravenclaw desired those with numerous facts,

Yet they all had trouble with their manners and their tact.

Salazar Slytherin whispered for cunning and will,

But little Slytherin himself didn't even fit the bill.

So now that you know, my story is out,

I'll have plenty of fun, sorting you about!

Before we begin, I'd just like to say:

The professors at Hogwarts are all the same.

They hatefully despise you, so watch your back,

You can take my word for it, for I am the sorting hat!

The Hall was eerily silent. The Sorting Hat sneered a little as everyone looked at him like he was mad – which he probably was. Peeves broke the silence by laughing shrilly, pelting water balloons at unsuspecting students, giggling:

"Welcome to Hogwarts!"

A/N: I knew there was a reason why I liked Peeves, too bad he wasn't in the movies :(

Thanks to Remus' daughter, shadowkat678, skHermione, HoangMai, Hpdwlotr24, and xxSiriusxxforeverxx for reviewing! Anyone who's given me an idea for what the marauders shall do next is coming up in the next few chapters. It's just too awesome to rush, LOL :D