A/N: I'm on a roll. ;D Finals, finals, ugh—I still have time to write! XD

M-my arms… they hurt…

Oh wow, I just realized that I forgot to post this… I accidentally posted Chapter Six in place of this one, haha…

~:~ Chapter Five – I and the Paper Towel (TWW-verse) ~:~

"…So, if I put this fruit on my head, I can possess a bird?"

"That's correct."

"…"

"What's wrong?"

"Let me repeat that. So, if I put this fruit on my head, I can possess a bird?"

"Again, that's correct!"

"…Do you know how stupid that sounds?"

Link took a bite out of the Hyoi Pear and kicked some sand into the ocean.

"H-hey! Don't eat it—!"

"What has the world come to? I'm talking to a boat that tells me that I can possess birds by putting fruit on my head… Well, then again, the world is full of sadness and sorrow anyway… Everyone will die eventually… Those poor, awesomely depressing birds… How I weep for them…"

The King of Red Lions huffed and glared a bit too suspiciously at Link. Today the young boy had randomly decided to dress in full black clothes. He had also decided to dye his hair black and paint his fingernails black as well. The only thing that wasn't black was Link's awesomely manly hot-pink lipstick.

Not only that, but Link also reasoned that he needed to act depressing and suicidal all the time. Earlier the King of Red Lions had witnessed the young boy getting beaten up by Chu-Chus. When the possessed boat questioned why, he answered,

"Because it hurts so good!"

At that moment, the great Jabun died, and a pot rolled down a hill while NOT gathering moss.

Link was getting worse by the minute. After he finished eating the pear, he began to lick a tree with his hair because he had once seen a guy who dressed peculiarly like himself lick a wall with his hair.

Link's hair really liked to lick the tree, so Link cut his hair because he would not allow himself to feel joy of any kind, because that was completely unacceptable. The purpose of life, after all, was to be as sad and depressed as possible. As he looked around Outset Island, he suddenly decided to hate everyone because they were smiling. Smiling! What a disgrace!

And so, Link knew what he had to do. First, he sought out a bucket. He would not accept a perfect, clean bucket, so when he found one, he punctured exactly 13 holes into it and smashed it against his leg.

"ARGH! Yes! I hurt myself!"

Then, Link ran to the King of Red Lions and boarded him. He sailed off into the ocean without a second thought.

"Link, where are we going?" the boat asked.

"Somewhere where we can find water," Link answered as he began to shave the wood off of the King's head with the Master Sword.

"Hey— Ow! OW! Stop tha— OWWW!"

"Hahaha! EMBRACE THE PAIN!"

When the sword ended up poking out one of the boat's eyes, the King flipped over and abandoned Link forever.

And ever.

And ever.

Link, however, just so happened to have some shaving cream with him at the time (which he named "I"), so together, he and I slept across the ocean until they arrived at a lamp-making company that floated in the sky.

Link and I walked in the door.

"Hello, sir! How can I help you?" some random worker asked.

"Excuse me," Link asked politely. "Can I kill you?"

"Why, you sure can!" the man answered ecstatically. He dropped to the floor and started to do the Worm.

"That's great, but I don't want to kill you anymore," said Link as I fell to the floor with a loud clatter.

"Noooo! Link!" I wailed happily. "Come back! Come baaaack!"

Link walked off. A few minutes later, a paper towel found I and they lived happily ever after.

One hundred years after that moment, Link was a young old man who ate jumbo shrimp for breakfast. As he yelled at himself about why he hadn't died yet, the paper towel and I—a long-lived happily-married couple—broke down the windows to Link's bathroom and clogged the toilet using ice cream.

When Link entered the bathroom twenty-five years later, he was appalled at how colorful the ice cream was and died from happiness.

"Oh no, Link died!" I cried.

"It's okay, I," the paper towel comforted. "He's in a better place."

In the Sacred Realm, the Goddesses were scolding Link for not sharing the ice cream in his toilet.

~x~X~x~

A/N: Written because I realized that there are a lot of people who try to act "emo" because they think it's cool…

-Eternal Nocturne-

Chapter Five – Completed May 27, 2011