A/N: This chapter's theme was requested by LinkLuver3! It also includes a short paragraph written by my cousin at the last author's note!

Enjoy! X3

~:~ Chapter Seven – Curse of the Hair Dryer (OoT-verse) ~:~

Link was washing Zelda's underwear in a sewer pipe when a wetly dry worm hit him in the back of his head.

"OW! A wetly dry worm hit me in the back of my—"

"ARGAHRGWHGRHAGRAHHHHH!" the worm yelled before slipping off of Link's head and into the dirty, infested sewer water. The worm caught on fire and died.

"Ohh. Poor thing," Link murmured before continuing to wash Zelda's clean underwear in the disgusting water. "I wonder why Zelda's clothes aren't getting clean…"

"AHOY, MATEY!" said some random woman who poofed behind the Hero in a cloud of pink smoke. Link was caught off-guard and accidentally threw Zelda's underwear at the woman's face.

"Who… Who are you?" he asked, confused.

"I'M UBER-EMO! HUK HUK HUK," the woman replied. Link looked at her like she was crazy (which she obviously wasn't).

"So… Umm… Uber-Emo, Why are you here?"

"HYAHYAHYA!" the woman whispered calmly as her left eye twitched and she grabbed her hair in agony. "I'm just kidding! My real name is MetalPeanuts173xx. Now, were you the one who killed my worm?"

"…No?"

"LIES!" MetalPeanuts173xx screamed in rage. Her hairy bald head lit up on fire. She grabbed Link's neck and lifted him up with outrageous womanly power. "NOW YOU SHALL PAY! WITH LOTION!"

"No! Wait! I was just washing the Princess's underwear in a diseased sewer pipe in the middle of the night! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG—!"

MetalPeanuts173xx let go of him. Then she went over to the sewer wall, plugged in a hair dryer into an electrical outlet that suddenly appeared, and walked back over to Link.

"Hold this," she said.

"Okay."

MetalPeanuts173xx dipped her hand into the sewer water to get some liquid, but unfortunately, a rabid donkey-eating penguin snatched her hand and pulled her underneath the sewage. All of a sudden, it rained really hard in Hyrule, causing the sewers to flood, and MetalPeanuts173xx was dragged down with the currents.

"NO!" she wailed. "PERSON WEARING LONG, SHINY UNDERWEAR*, GO AHEAD AND KEEP THE HAIR DRYER! I…! NOOOO!"

MetalPeanuts173xx was flushed up a toilet.

Link stared at the place where the woman left the sewers. He was completely unharmed. He stared at the glittering blue hair dryer in his hands and flipped up the "ON" button.

"Welcome," the hair dryer's automated voice greeted. "Please state your name."

"Link."

"Hello, LINK. Welcome to Shimmering Blonde Hair Toasty Deluxe 2000xx Version 7.08. Please state the program you would like to access."

"Uhh… I don't know."

"We're sorry; we don't have a program called 'UHH… I DON'T KNOW.' Please try again."

Link stared passively at the hair dryer.

"…Hair-drying mode?"

There was a ding, and the hair dryer rumbled in Link's hands.

"HAIR-DRYING MODE initiated. Please wait."

Elevator music started playing.

"Woah! This device somehow managed to capture an entire band in there! I've got to save them all!" Link announced, realizing that those poor musicians must be very cramped within the confines of the small hair dryer. He sliced the machine in half.

"Warning: Now initiating BRAINWASHING mode. Please do not insert lantern oil into the doughnut."

"What? It's got Koume and Kotake in there, too? I have to save them, even though they're my enemies!"

Link raised his sword to strike again, but the innocent hair dryer suddenly threw a strawberry at him, causing him to fall to the floor in pain.

"Nooo! Argh!"

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha," the hair dryer's automated voice laughed. "You are now under my control." Then, it exploded.

Link lifted himself from the floor. He looked around before realizing that he never finished washing Zelda's laundry.

"Oh no! I need to finish washing Zelda's laundry!"

He desperately rushed over to the piece of forgotten underwear, only to be stopped by a voice in his mind.

No. Go to the white thing in the middle of the town on the surface.

"You mean the Castle?" Link pondered aloud.

No. The white thing.

"Okay!" Link said, happily rushing out of the sewers and heading towards Hyrule Castle. He broke through the window into Zelda's room, like he always did. Inside, he saw Zelda furiously rubbing a carrot with her right hand. She heard him break through the window and turned around swiftly.

"Ahh! Link!" she exclaimed, hiding the carrot. W-what are you doing here? Are you done washing my underwear?"

"Of course not, Zelda!" replied Link, smiling.

"…So… What are you here for, then?" Zelda questioned, sneaking the carrot into a nearby vanity drawer. She lifted her dress and walked closer to Link.

Kill her.

"A voice in my head tells me that I need to kill you," Link said, drawing his sword. Zelda went wide-eyed and stepped back.

"L-Link?"

"That's okay with you, right, Zel? I mean, I'm still taking you out fishing at Lake Hylia on Saturday, so we're still friends, right?" He inched closer to her.

"Are… you… okay? Link, stop it!" Zelda wailed.

"Oh! But I have a better idea! I've heard that there's this really nice new fishing place that just opened on Death Mountain Crater a week ago, so I thought that maybe we could bring a muffin there and—"

Zelda rushed out of the door. Link heard her screaming down the hall.

"…What's wrong with her?" he wondered.

Forget her. Now, go to the King.

"Oh! It's for that pineapple he owes me from a year ago, right?"

JUST GO!

Link rushed down to the throne room.

"Hero!" the King boomed as Link pushed open the giant double doors leading to the grand room. "What business have you here?"

Are you ready?

"Ready for what?" Link asked to what seemed to be nobody.

"Excuse me?" the King wondered.

To kill him, of course! It states in the law of hair-drying that you must kill a king!

"Ohh, okay. I get it. But what's the law of hair-drying?"

"Hero, have you lost your mind?"

It states on the 3,677th page of the Grand Book of Hair-Drying that there is a single law of hair-drying!

"3,677 pages! Wow, that's a lot!"

"I will have you thrown out of this room if you do not explain yourself, Hero!"

Draw your sword.

Link drew his sword.

"Why did you want me to draw my sword?"

"Link, why did you draw your sword?"

Now, do an animalistic war cry while charging into him with your sword raised.

"ARGAHGMUFFINWHOOOO!" Link yelled, lifting his sword above his head and running towards the King. Some of his soldiers stood in Link's way in an attempt to protect him, but the spicy ramen he had for lunch blew them away. He charged into the King, but then he bounced off.

What? Why didn't you kill him?

"Well, you told me to charge into him with my sword raised, so I obviously couldn't kill him when my sword is above my head!"

"GUARDS, KILL HIM!"

One soldier threw a pickle named Peter at Link, and he collapsed on the floor, dead.

~x~X~x~

*In a recent interview with the developers from Ocarina of Time (N64), one of them stated that Link's tights were actually "long underwear." I couldn't believe it…

A/N: A paragraph from my cousin:

Peter the Pickle one day decided to eat a hot dog. He grabbed the mustard out of the hippo, the ketchup from the Zelda World, (Which was really Red Chuu Jelly) the mayo from the bed, and relish from himself. He put them ll together and got the fushion monster Ultimate Blue-Eyes White Dragon. He bit into it and it squirted snow through the holes. Peter died of all the Mayo he ate.

Lovely, isn't it? :) Chapter Eight is coming soon!

-Eternal Nocturne-

Chapter Seven – Completed June 26, 2011