A/N: Chomnomnomnom. :3
~:~ Chapter Eight – IDK Lolololololol (ALttP-verse) ~:~
Link was busy running around Hyrule, trying to dig up every patch of dirt he could find with his mighty new iPod Shovel that he found washed up on the banks of Lake Hylia. So far, he had made 13,543 holes (since the holes he made keep on magically filling themselves in when he leaves the area, much to his dismay) and had collected one Rupee out of it.
"WOW! At this rate, I'll be rich in no time!" Link announced, digging another hole and sweeping his luxurious, strawberry-pink hair to the side. "After all, it only took me 15 years to get this far! That's my 13,544th hole!"
He dug another hole.
"13, 545!"
And another hole.
"13, 546!"
He was about to dig another hole when a guy named Serious popped up in front of him and grabbed his precious iPod Shovel. Serious snapped it in half, causing Link to fall to the ground and writhe in pain.
"NOOOO! MY iPOD SHOVEL! ARGHHHHHHH! IT HURTS!"
"Stop whining, BOI!" said Serious seriously.
"B-but…"
"No 'buts!'" Serious said seriously again. "Now, try on these pants!" Serious gave Link a pair of shiny white underwear. He tried them on.
"WOW! I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!" said Link ecstatically. "THIS IS GREAT!"
"Haha! That's good, MAH BOI!" he said seriously. "Now, that will be one Rupee."
"GASP!" Link gasped. "B-but that's my entire 15-years' worth of profit!"
"You already tried them on, BOI," said Serious with a serious voice. "Now hand the Rupee over!"
"NEVER! I'm taking these pants and running away from you forever!" Link ran five feet away from him. "I'm escaping to my house! You'll never find out where I am! HAHAHA!" Link used his Pegasus Boots to dash back to his house.
"Oh no!" wailed Serious, still serious. "Now I'll never find him, even though he just told me that he was going to hide in his house! That's one Rupee lost! Nooo!"
Serious rolled up shrimp-style and died a cold, miserable, money-deprived death.
Later, Link rolled into a portal leading into outer space. Because Link was Link, he didn't need to wear a silly astronaut suit because the only time he needed air was when he was underwater. Therefore, Link kicked a rock and he was magically teleported into the Malo Mart floating out in space.
"WELCOME TO MAAALLLOOOO—"
"OH NO!" Link wailed. "It's Serious!"
"What's serious? Is something wrong?" a random Malo Mart customer asked.
"IT'S SERIOUS!"
"We need to take you to the hospital, don't we?"
"NO, WE DON'T!" another guy randomly yelled as he heroically burst into Malo Mart through the door. He wasn't wearing anything at all except for clothes! (GASP!) Also, one of his eyes was lodged into his neck instead of being in the usual spot in his eye socket.
"Who are you?" everyone in the store asked in perfect, synchronized unison.
"I AM… DRAMATIC!" Dramatic yelled dramatically. "And my brother is… SERIOUS!"
"So you're Serious's brother?" Link asked. Dramatic walked over to him dramatically and wrapped a dramatic arm around him dramatically.
"YES, I AM!" announced Dramatic in a dramatic voice.
"Dramatic, you must read this book!" yelled a random lady, tossing a book to Dramatic. He caught it dramatically.
"How to Live," Dramatic read the title dramatically. He opened the book to the first dramatic page and started reading aloud (dramatically):
"To live, you must—"
Dramatic died dramatically because he remembered that he couldn't read.
"Oh NO!" Link wailed dramatically, even though Dramatic was already dead and there wasn't any need for anymore drama.
Drama llama llama llama entered Malo Mart and looked at Link.
"Link, it is time to fulfill your destiny!" Drama llama llama llama said.
"But… why?" he responded, hugging Dramatic.
Drama llama llama llama called Mama llama llama llama.
"Because… YOU HAVE TO LICK THE SPOON!" Mama llama llama llama replied. She tossed a spoon toward Link.
"B-BUT…!"
"LICK THE SPOON!"
"LIIIIICK IIIITTT!"
Link licked the spoon, and then he…
…
…he…
…
…he…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…wanted to wash Samantha's underwear.
"I NEED TO WASH SAMANATHA'S UNDERWEAR!"
And so he did.
For 17 days and -26 nights, Link was hunched over a small, crystal-clear pool of volcanic lava, washing Samantha's underwear. It was so clean, but at the same time, it was so NOT clean. Link couldn't stand how whenever he would dip her underwear into the lava, it would light up in flames and burn.
For many of those -26 nights, he would cry himself to sleep because he just couldn't comprehend why the doughnut wouldn't marry him.
One day, he decided that he wanted to find the answers to his problems, so he unfortunately had to give up on washing Samantha's underwear so that he could e-mail Chuck Norris to ask him why he was in love with a lamp.
dear chuck noris
hello mah names is link an i wan 2 no wai u r aetgjabnetykjgrba YES
muffin
p.S.. do u liek mudkips bcuz i leik mudkips
ps.S oh yea i have a harry nipple just sayin
p.S.S.s. do u think im manly
P.s.s.s.s do u?
p.S.S.s.S.r do u? y r u not anser me
love LINK (call me link, im not really LINK but im LINK)
P.p.p.s. IDK Lolololololol
p.s.s.s.s.s.s.s.S.s.s.s. oh i just remmememembered that im not a girl sorry….. ... im actually a girl
p.s…. I dun leik u
ps. will u go out wit me
Link, proud of what he wrote, pressed "Send."
Two years later, a couple on their honeymoon found his dead body face-down in a field of dry water.
~x~X~x~
A/N: Samantha is LinkLuver3 in disguise, ohohoho… XD
-Eternal Nocturne-
Chapter Eight – Completed July 8, 2011