A/N: WOW. This has GOT to be the most messed-up chapter yet! XD Uh, yeah, I tried to keep away from all of the "potential things" that I could have added to a certain scene (you'll get what I mean), but either way, I bumped up the rating to T.
I seriously did not mean for it to come out like this… Haha. XD Oh, and try to visualize everything that happens! It's important later on. ;)
~:~ Chapter Nine – Link's Great Journey (Modern-day) ~:~
One day, Mozilla Firefox got angry at Internet Explorer. So while Explorer was busy cramming lipstick down the toilet, Firefox went all RAEG! D: on him and started nibbling on his behind. Explorer, holding his poor meat sack in pain, desperately tried to shake Firefox off, but to no avail.
While Explorer was busy flailing around, he hit and shattered a mirror. Google Chrome, who was hiding in the mirror, was all ANGREH! D: and started to violently hit a TV with a pack of Skittles. Opera suddenly burst out from the TV and started to sing opera, which shattered Chrome's chromium core and caused pieces of metal to fly everywhere. One of these pieces of metal hit Firefox, who finally let go of Explorer's behind and then curled up into a ball, turned into flakes of cereal, and was later digested by a little kid wearing a Pokemon hat.
Opera was really sad how Chrome and Firefox died, so she married Explorer and later went exploring together. They had 23 children, but all of them died except for one. His name was…
LINK.
(Dun-dun-DUN!)
Link was an outcast because nobody wanted to be friends with a guy whose parents were web browsers. But his parents were awfully supportive of him, since Link was the only child out of the 23 they had that survived the horrible DS Lite attack on their house fourteen years ago.
[tone="comforting"][voice="male"][mood="pancakes"]Don't worry about them, son! They're just jealous about my [i]AWESOME[/i] web-browsing speed![/tone][/voice][/mood], Explorer would tell Link. Unfortunately, he was really dumb when it came to computers, so he could never understand a word his dad would try to tell him.
Link's one and only dream was to buy pink balls from Wal-Mart. And so, tired of the life he once lived, Link ran away from home in the middle of a savory lunch with his parents (he was eating bold-flavored text with a hearty side of metal scraps). He ran across Hyrule Field and across a vast forest. Then he met a Starburst wrapper.
"Hi!" the Starburst wrapper happily said. Link was about to step on him since he didn't notice.
"HI," Link replied.
"What's your name?" asked the Starburst wrapper.
"LINK," he said. "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"
"Lick Me!" the wrapper replied, bouncing up and down.
"NO," Link refused. After all, he didn't know where that wrapper has been…
"You don't understand!" the Starburst wrapper responded, crying. "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS! Whyyyyyy?"
"WHAT DON'T I UNDERSTAND?" asked Link, ever the sympathetic guy.
"My name is 'Lick Me!'" the wrapper replied. "And my uncle is a tuna!"
"I SEE," Link said, understanding Lick Me. "THEREFORE, WE NEED TO HUG A CACTUS."
"What a great idea, LINK!" said Lick Me. "Now lick me!"
"OKAY."
Link bent over to lick Lick Me, but he had such bad control over his tongue that he accidentally swallowed the poor, deprived Starburst wrapper.
"N-Noooo! I thought we were friends! It's so dark in here!" Lick Me wailed as he floated in stomach acid. "Tell my uncle that I love him!"
"MAYBE," yelled Link quietly as he took out his DS Lite and started to play Ocarina of Time 3DS on it. "THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE ME. OH NO."
"Oh YESSSSSS!" Lick Me suddenly screamed from inside Link's stomach. "I… Wait, there's no toilet paper in here!"
Lick Me was never heard from ever again.
Right after Lick Me's tragic death (of which Link had completely no control over), he crossed eyes with the love of his life: his shirt. Every weave, every single velvety stitch was precise and trimmed. When he wore it, he felt like he was walking with the Goddesses. Link and Shirt just fit together so… so perfectly!
"OH, SHIRT," Link breathed lovingly, taking off his shirt. "I LOVE YOU!"
"I'm sorry…" Shirt said as she laid limply in Link's hands. "…but I'm in love with Pants!"
"W-WHAT?" Link wailed, hugging Shirt. "BUT…! WE WERE MEANT TO BE!"
"Naw, man," Link's pants replied casually. "Ya'll were never meant ta' be. It's just me and Shirt."
"SHUT UP!" Link angrily and happily yelled, ramming his pants into a tree (and hurting himself, too). "SHE'S MINE!"
"That ain't cool, man!" Pants replied, thrashing about randomly and trying to slip off Link's legs.
"NO! YOU'RE STAYING ON WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! RAAAARGH!" Link started wrestling with his pants. Shirt was watching helplessly from the sidelines.
While all of this was going on, a newly-wedded couple touring Hyrule was watching from the bushes.
"These Hyruleans are crazy!" said the wife. "I told you that we shouldn't have come here for vacation!"
"I'll have you know that the Hyruleans are dignified people!" retorted the husband. "If you know anything about their history, you'd understand that this is some sort of ancient courtship ritual!"
"Huh! Courting his shirt!"
"No, he's obviously trying to court that beautiful-looking tree over there!"
"I can't believe I married you!"
The wife stormed off, leaving the husband alone to watch Link wrestle his pants.
"FINE!" he yelled, unbuckling his belt. "IF YOU WANT TO GET OFF SO BADLY, THEN DO IT!"
"Freedom!" Pants yelled happily, dropping to the floor. "Finally, I'm away from Underwear!"
"Hey!" Link's underwear snapped, insulted. "Is there something wrong with me?"
"Whatever, man!" said Pants. "Shirt, let's run away and make lots of babies! We ain't gonna let nobody stop us!"
Unfortunately, Shirt and Pants couldn't move, so they stayed where they were for the rest of their miserable lives before they were collected by a random man and put into a museum for display. (After all, who wouldn't want to put on display a random shirt and pants that someone found lying out in the middle of a forest?)
Later, Link was continuing his journey to buy pink balls from Wal-Mart. While he was walking in nothing but his underwear, he saw a car parked by the edge of a road, so he decided to hijack it because that's what all the cool people do.
Link used his magical pony powers to break open the window to the front seat. Once inside, he turned on the radio obnoxiously loud, even though turning on the radio required having the key in the ignition, and he didn't have the key.
Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya
Nya nya nya nya nya nya
Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya nya
Nya nya nya nya nya nya
Nya nya nya nya nya nya
Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya nya
Even though Link was happily jammin' out to the song with a pair of maracas he found underneath the seat, he switched the radio station.
Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom
Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom
Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom
Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom
Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom
Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom
Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom
A policeman drove up to Link and eyed him strangely.
"Hey, kid, why aren't you wearing any clothes?"
"THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Link snapped, turning up the radio.
"Now it is my business!" the policeman said, getting out of his car and shining a flashlight rudely into Link's eyes, even though it was broad daylight. "Who's here with you?"
"NOBODY EXCEPT ME AND LICK ME! NOW LEAVE ME ALOOOOOONE!"
All of a sudden, a stampede of fluffy dolphins nomming on broccoli ran over and crushed the car that Link was in. He never made it to Wal-Mart.
*Sad music*
Link's epitaph read:
~LINK~
Beloved son of Internet Explorer and Opera
All he wanted was some pink balls
February 30, 2011 – February 30, 2011
~x~X~x~
A/N: …HAHAHAHAHA! XD
Ohh… Yeah… Umm. XD I have to be honest here—my original plan for this chapter was to include a random crack pairing (like TV x pineapple). Internet Exporer x Opera just wasn't enough! So when Link was walking through the forest, my chance came up… But there really wasn't anything funny or weird enough in the woods to pair together.
So yeah. It was supposed to be Link's shoe x Link, but, well, that was so much more interesting. XD
Oh, and also: I don't own the two songs mentioned! The first one is "Nyan Cat" (even though they're really saying "Nya"), and the other one is "Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom" by Parry Gripp.
Please review! I'll really appreciate it! :)
-Eternal Nocturne-
Chapter Nine – Completed July 18, 2011