A/N: First, I want to apologize for this chapter making more sense than most of the previous ones. IT'S NOT RIGHT, I KNOW! D:

~:~ Chapter Eleven – Lotion (FS/FSA-verse) ~:~

There was hardly a day that passed where a lotion bottle did not drop from the sky. These lotion bottles were heralded as gifts from the Goddesses themselves, and because they were believed to be so holy and sparkly and golden and shiny and generally just awesome, the lotion bottles were treated with the utmost respect and kept in a secret treasury within the confines of Hyrule Castle. There was a secret division in the Hyrulean Army called the "Lotion Protectors"—these were the ones who actively went about Hyrule in search of these mystical bottles. Any citizen who found a lotion bottle was expected to drop everything (besides the bottle) and rush to the Castle immediately and without hesitation. The citizen would then meet a cruel and terrible fate in the jaws of Barney the Dinosaur because according to the 35,371st law of the Hyrulean Constitution, no filthy-blooded peasant should ever be able to touch these sacred lotion bottles.

POKE A DONKEY

NO

One pleasantly stormy afternoon, as a small division of soldiers belonging to the Lotion Protectors wandered around an area of Hyrule Field, they came across a group of boys—all identical except for the color of their tunics—who were sitting in a circle. As the men in the Lotion Protectors stepped closer, they realized that the boys were all gathered around a lotion bottle!

"Oh, no!" said Steve, the leader of the group. "They've got a magical loshun bottle! Quick, let's git them!

"Wait!" exclaimed Robby, another member. "We have to make friends with them first!" He casually skipped over to their circle. "Hi, I'm Robby! What are your names?"

"I'm Link!" said Link.

"I'm Link, too!" said Link.

"I'm also Link!" said Link.

"And I'm Link!" said Link.

"This is GREAT!" Robby yelled, ecstatic. "Now we can all be friends FOREVER—"

Steve suddenly jumped into the circle and mauled Link with a plush toy.

"Link!" exclaimed Link.

"Link!" exclaimed Link.

"Darn it! I just lost a game of Poker!" exclaimed Link.

"It's okay!" exclaimed Link. "I think I'm alright!"

"Not fo' long!" Steve retorted. He lifted up the plush toy, and with one mighty swing, he sent Link to PLACE.

"Gasp! He sent Link to PLACE!" Link gasped.

"Oh, no! What do we do?" Link gasped.

"I don't know! I lost all of our Rupees on that Poker game!" Link gasped.

"Die, all of ya!" Steve threatened as he lifted the plush toy up again. Link, Link, and Link all did a dramatic "OH NO" face as the shadow of the toy cast down upon them. Just as he was about to strike, Robby jumped in front of them! As he fell to the floor, mortally wounded from the mortifying hit, he muttered his last words:

"…"

And then he died.

The other members of the Lotion Protector group gasped.

"You killed Robby!"

"How dare you!"

"What would his mother think?"

"He was a walrus in disguise!"

They all ganged up on Steve and then promptly fell off a cliff that magically appeared in front of them. Link, Link, and Link all looked at each other.

"So," said Link, "about our dinner…"

"We were thinking about cooking it with lotion, amirite?" reminded Link as he painted his lips blue with a lamp.

"That's right!" Link agreed. "I'll start cooking now."

Link took out a frying pan and started the fire. Then, he reached out with his left hand and took a single squirt of lotion out of the lotion bottle. Link then felt a sudden need to rub himself all over the place with a pen that suddenly appeared, so he did. Unfortunately, he didn't realize that the lotion bottle had a label on it that read:

"WARNING: DO NOT RUB YOURSELF WITH PEN."

Link died.

Link and Link got very sad. So, so sad. Very sad. Very very sad. Extremely sad. Unbearably sad. So sad that it was sad that it wasn't sad anymore. Chicken nugget.

Link picked up the lotion bottle and read it. Then he died because he read too much.

Link got very sad. He then lived the rest of his life with a tape dispenser who would not accept him for who he was. Link died after getting impaled with his finger.

~x~X~x~

A/N: Next chapter will make much less sense, I swear! XD

-Eternal Nocturne-

Chapter Eleven – Completed October 11, 2011