A/N: So, I just realized something. Remember how in the first chapter, Link was actually SANE? And then as the story progressed, he got more and more… NOT SANE? XD
Well, I've decided to (try to) return to this story's roots with this chapter! (And maybe some other ones in the future!) Enjoy! :D
~:~ Chapter Thirteen – Banana Quest (TP-verse) ~:~
Link was fishing in Goron Mines one day when Zelda walked up to him in a giant pink tutu. He looked up at her, and he noticed that her cheeks were horribly inflamed.
"Link," said Zelda, sitting down beside him, "Why are you fishing in lava?"
"You told me to," replied Link. Now it was his turn to ask questions. "Why are you wearing a pink tutu?"
"You told me to," Zelda replied sweetly. "And my cheeks are swollen because I'm allergic to pink tutus."
"I'm sorry," apologized Link, turning his attention back to his fishing. "Now go back to the kitchen and make me a sandwich."
"Yes, sir," Zelda sighed. She got up, slipped on her high heels, and fell into the lava. She screamed in agony.
"Darn it, Zelda!" breathed Link, annoyed. "You scared all the fish away! What are you going to cook me for dinner now?" Link threw his fishing rod into the lava in rage, where it joined Zelda in her lava-filled grave.
A camel wearing a rusty pillowcase came and mauled Link in the face.
"OW!" he screamed.
"OW!" the camel mimicked.
Link slapped the camel.
The camel slapped Link.
"STOP COPYING ME!"
"STOP COPYING ME!"
"NO!"
"NO!"
The camel and Link became best friends.
Link went to Castle Town the next day. He noticed that everyone was very sad because they heard that Princess Zelda was killed somehow. He walked into a VCR machine and rode a pony to grab a hot dog sticking out of a pine tree.
"Why am I doing this?" he questioned as he held the hot dog.
"Why am I doing this?" the camel said. He ate Link's hot dog. :(
"Why did you eat my hot dog?" whined Link.
"Why did you eat my hot dog?" the camel replied.
"That's a good answer," said Link sarcastically.
"NAAAAAAAW," said the camel as he licked Link's face. Next, he found the Ultimate Truth, stole Sora's Keyblade, and committed suicide by killing himself with a spoon. Then the camel died.
Link fell out of the sky after eating a broken lock. He landed in Ordon, where a goat promptly began to use advanced surgical equipment (such as a real teddy bear) to leave his wife. The goat's wife was very not happy that she did not not go to the not place and not dinner fork of the not anti-matter not Pluto. She decided to become Link's new best friend.
"All of my best friends are animals," said Link.
"DOES NOT LICK TOFU," said the goat's wife, whose name was You. You was wanting to not press the elevator button.
"You, I think we have to go do something," Link instructed, grabbing You's polished hoof. "Are you with me?"
"YO MAN, I NEED LIPSTICK," You said as she pinched Link's cheek and thigh at the same time with her sloppy, dry mouth. Link and You went to Hyrule Castle, where he pushed the rich goat off a short flight of stairs. She died because she had so many friends. Link, on the other hand, was trying to avoid the onslaughts of angry guards who suspected that he was the one who killed Zelda. He was having a very easy time evading them because he was wearing green.
Two days later, Link was having a very intelligent conversation with a banana.
"Oh, banana," cried Link, "everything is so depressing in my life. I lost my best enemy, Zelda, a few days ago. Life has been horrible without her. I really miss her creamed toenail sandwiches. They tasted so bad AND good… But not at the same time."
"Do not worry, old one," said the wise banana. "I know what you must do."
"What's that?" asked Link.
"First, you must give me a potted plant. This potted plant must be bigger than twice the size of 3/4ths of a quarter of your head."
"Alright."
"Second, you must sit on a zebra."
"Okay…"
"Third, you must revive Zelda, your camel friend, and You from the dead using a TV remote."
"Sounds easy enough."
"Only then will you be able to enjoy another creamed toenail sandwich."
Link got up.
"Thank you for your wise advice, O Great Banana," he thanked, bowing. On his way out of the banana's large and small home, he stepped on him. Oh NO no NO NO no!1!11!1!
Link decided to start on his journey. First, he had to give the dead banana a potted plant. Just then, Midna decided to say something, since she remembered that she was still in his shadow.
"Jutu chicken veggie no uuuuu!" she complained.
"Sorry, Midna. I don't know what a chicken is," answered Link. Midna slapped him.
"Fereeee talru!" Midna scolded. "Au tu-tu potata do dan do!" She pointed to the sky.
"The sky? That's a great idea, Midna!" said Link. "The best place to get a potted plant is in the sky!"
Midna hit her head on a tree. She sighed and hid back in his shadow.
Link began to build a staircase to the clouds. He hired a team of workers, most of whom were angry striped bikinis that had been animated with bunny magic.
"Bikinininininininininini," said one bikini.
"No, bikini," Link answered, "you may not take a break. You may never take a break until you finish this staircase." He snorted. Then he ate a mushroom. However, that mushroom was a magical mushroom, so when he ate it, it became a potted plant. He felt very protective of his pineapple for some reason, so he threw up the potted plant. He went back to the banana's lair and laid the plotted plant over its remains.
"Phase One complete!" he announced proudly. A little girl tripped up the stairs while she was swimming in a puddle of blood.
Midna decided to comment again.
"Etura ointa pig pig," she said, crossing her arms. "Taea het torescalor."
"Pig pig. Haha. Hahahaha! That sounds so funny. You're funny, Midna," said Link, pinching her cheek. Midna slapped him again, which caused him to eat a Rupee. It was a Green Rupee, which was way too expensive for his tastes, and since the Rupee was so hot, it cooked him from the inside out. Link died of head trauma.
In the Realm of the Goddesses, where all the spirits of the dead go, Link was met with the very not-angry ghosts of Zelda, his camel friend, and You.
"Link," said Zelda, looking as beautiful as ever in her sparkling pink tutu, "you never gave me that present you said that you'd give me three years ago."
"I'm not old enough," said Link.
"I'm not old enough," said the camel.
"WIGGLE!" said You. "SEMI-HARD ROCK."
"I don't think you need to be a specific age to give me a nosebleed," Zelda replied.
"Oh. Would you like me to punch you now then?" Link asked.
"IT'S TIME TO D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!" screamed the camel. Then he died again.
"I WANT TO BANG SOME POTS AND PANS AND A JAR OF GLASSY SOAP," said You. She used Earthquake, which was super effective against a bottle of ketchup, which made a cliff fall off of a cliff.
"Yes, please," Zelda answered, stroking You. Then, she began to fill a bathtub with toothpaste.
Link punched her in the face. It gave her a bad nosebleed. She bled all over the toothpaste. Link died again because it was illegal in the Realm of the Goddesses to make somebody bleed over toothpaste.
(Farore was very sad. Link was her favorite.)
~x~X~x~
A/N: Okay. That didn't go as well as planned. Link's still a total idiot! XD Ah, well… At least he made more sense than what he was like in previous chapters. I'll try making him sane again in Chapter 15 (the Skyward Sword chapter, by the way), since I've already got the plot outline for Chapter 14…
-Eternal Nocturne-
Chapter Thirteen – Completed October 21, 2011