A/N: Plot by Sir Reginald Pantaloons 3rd. I blame my absence on Skyward Sword. ;)
~:~ Chapter Sixteen – Does Not Lick a Potato (MM-verse) ~:~
One peaceful day in Termina, Link wandered into the Doggy Racetrack after being bitten by a rabid sea monster that wanted to purchase a computer at the local grocery store but didn't have enough money to. Noticing all of the fluffy giant small dogs running around, he put on the Mask of Truth since he was always nosy and wanted to read peoples' minds all the time.
I KILLED MY MOM, one dog was thinking.
HAMSTER, another dog was thinking.
HAMSTER IN TOILET, yet another dog was thinking.
NEED SYRUP, the dog after yet another dog was thinking.
TEH PINAPPL IS COUNTIN' ON MEH, the dog with the unicorn butt was thinking. Realizing that this dog's thoughts caused him to realize his destiny, Link grabbed the dog and entered him into the dog race.
"I am LD-LINK-16," said Link. "LD-LINK-16 will bet 80 Rupees." He handed 80 Rupees to the woman person hosting the rigged dog race.
"OH HAR," she responded, taking his money. "FEUUU OVER THAR. YUS OVER THAR."
Link watched impatiently as his destined dog ran in the race. However, because it had an oversized unicorn butt that was huge compared to the rest of its body, it came in last place.
"Noooooooooooooo!" wailed Link. "LD-LINK-16's money! Now what will LD-LINK-16 use to buy Zelda some cereal?"
But Link was determined to win his money back. He decided to enter the race again.
"Hmm, I wonder what LD-LINK-16 should pick this time…" he pondered. Then his eyes caught sight of a beautiful oversized unicorn butt. "OH EM GEE, this dog will definitely lead LD-LINK-16 to victory, unlike that last dog!" He entered the dog into the race.
Mr. Unicorn Butt came in last place again.
"Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" Link moaned, dropping to the ground and curling up like a bucket of boiled shrimp topped with rotten eggs and sold to a fat lamp with toasted butter ROADKILL penguin soup.
All of a suddenly, Zelda came in sudden and sudden slapped Link all of a suddenly.
"What's takin' so long to get mah potato?" she scolded him. "TEH PICKEL TASTES GOoooOD WIT HONAY MUSTARD AND RELISH!"
Knowing that Zelda was a window who ran away from home after getting washed by a maid, Link knew that he couldn't let her down. After all, Link and Zelda actually never met. They were like two honey badgers that had also never met.
Link walked up to the dogs one last time and boldly gave the woman person running the show the unicorn butt dog again.
"LD-LINK-16 wants to bet 1 Rupee this time," he said.
"TURKEY FEOOOAAA tree MAARGH," said the woman. "THREE KICKS TO WIN."
"Fair enough," Link responded, nodding dramatically at her over and over again. His head fell off since he nodded too many times, but Mr. Unicorn Butt was there to save him. Because the smell of a decapitated Hylian head invigorated hum, Mr. Unicorn Butt finally came in first place.
"GASP! LD-LINK-16 won the race!" proclaimed Link proudly. He accepted his prize—0 Rupees and a sparkly new factory-sealed Heart Piece in mint condition!
"Congratulations, Link!" announced Zelda. "You've just completed your 21st heart!"
Link felt very uncomfortable as yet another heart surfaced somewhere inside his body.
It was then that a voice said something. Something very important.
"Link. You are banned from Termina because it is illegal to have 21 hearts."
"…Banned from Termina?" Link repeated. "NOOOOOO!"
However, instead of being banned, some Terminan soliders came and took him to the nonexistent Termina Castle, there the nonexistent king of Termina executed him by having him breathe air.
Link was very sad, so he is ghost floated to Zelda, who was still at the Doggy Racetrack since she got lost.
"Zelda! Zeeeelllldddaaaa!" he called, slapping her lungs. "I'm dead! NOW GIMME ALL YOUR—Wait a minute… You're not supposed to be here in Termina!"
Zelda said, "O_O" and then she said "Oh. Don't forget the mayo!" and then she said "EVIL radishes!" and then she said ":)" and then she disappeared in a broccolilicious cloud of artichokes.
It started raining.
Link started dancing in the rain.
Then he realized that ghosts couldn't dance.
SO HE DIED. But when ghosts die in Termina, they come back to life. So Link spent the rest of his life happily living in a sewer pipe with his 21 hearts. When he fell to old age and/or natural causes (that might not be very natural) many years later, his gravestone read: "LINK – survived 20 fatal heart attacks. Proud father of 2,649 imaginary children."
~x~X~x~
A/N: My plan on making Link sane FAILED HORRIBLY. XD
-Eternal Nocturne-
Chapter Sixteen – Completed December 21, 2011
Uploaded on December 21, 2011