A/N: Happy Friday the 13th, everyone. ;) This chapter includes the wonderful Annie from the story "Ganondorf in my Crawlspace!"
~:~ Chapter Eighteen – Lady Gaga Wants to Eat Me (OoT-verse) ~:~
After Link defeated Ganondorf and returned to his past, he found a friend named Bad Romance and decided to go to school together in Castle Town since Kokiri Village never had any schools.
The teacher's name was Will U. Eatme, but the students simply called him Mr. Eatme. Mr. Eatme had a horrible past of break-ups and divorces, and he was always looking for a girlfriend to break-up with again for fun.
One day, Mr. Eatme was slapping Link for wearing clothes in class. It was then that the chalkboard exploded, causing the school to become eco-friendly and serve better cafeteria food. Everyone rushed into the cafeteria just then.
"The food here is great!" said Bad Romance. She chewed with her mouth open.
"My butt hurts," complained Link. "Mr. Eatme slapped me too much."
All of a sudden, Mr. Eatme burst through the cafeteria doors and did a barrel roll. Then he ran up to Link.
"WANT YOUR BAD ROMANCE!" the teacher announced, pinching Link's cheek. Bad Romance stood on the sidelines, blushing.
"U no get Bad Romance," said Link, defiant. He took a pineapple and threw it at Bad Romance, killing her.
"NO MOAR BAD ROMANCE," cried Mr. Eatme. "MUST STAB CARROT."
He was about to stab a potato when nothing happened.
"I need to go through a dungeon!" said Link. Ever since his journey to stop Ganondorf, he developed an addiction with having to explore deadly dungeons every day.
He walked for miles and miles until he found the legendary Chicken Noodle Soup Temple. Link walked bravely into the first room, where he approached a girl holding a bucket of water. He walked up to her, stared her straight in the face, walked around her in circles six times, examined her clothes, and licked her cheek. She looked at him like he was crazy.
Because he was.
After he was done carefully examining her, Link stood in front of her again and looked directly into her eyes.
"WHO GOES THERE?" asked Link in his most demanding tone.
She facepalmed.
"My name is Annie," she introduced, holding up the bucket of water, "and it's your destiny to come with me so that we can make French Onion Soup together!"
Link looked around and started to eat his tunic, not paying any attention to her.
"…I have the Triforce of Power, by the way—"
"ALL ABOARD!" Link shouted, taking Annie's bucket of water and dashing towards the door leading deeper into the dungeon. He rubbed his face against it, but it wouldn't open.
"Silly Link, doors are for wolves," said Annie, using magic to magically open the magic door protected by magic. "Which I'm not. But I could be, if we finish making our French Onion Soup."
"I thought this place was the Chicken Noodle Soup Temple!" wondered Link, staring down at the bucket full of water that he was holding with his ear.
"It is," replied Annie.
"Then why are we making French Onion Soup?"
"Because we're rebels!"
Ganondorf appeared out of nowhere.
"WAM WAM WAM WAM WAM!" he laughed hysterically as he kissed the walls of the dungeon room. Then he died. Ganondorf dying triggered memories of Link's time with his best friend, Bad Romance.
"I want my Bad Romance," whispered Link sadly.
"It's okay, you were born this way," comforted Annie. "Look, there's a chest over there!"
Link rushed over to the chest…
DA-NA-NA-NAAAA! You got the Onion! With this, you have the power to make things cry if you hold it in front of its face for a while!
"This is great!" exclaimed Annie. "Let's put it in our bucket of water!"
"NO U," declined Link, running over to a lamp. He put the Onion in front of it. The lamp started crying.
"Link!" Annie called. "Stop that! What did that poor lamp ever do to you?" She snatched the Onion away and placed it into the bucket of water. "Only 28 more ingredients to go!"
"28?" Link repeated.
"Oh, sorry, I meant six."
"That's too many!"
"But it'll be worth it in the end, Link!" promised Annie. "Now come on!"
Link slipped on a toad and landed on a mountain within the dungeon called Glory.
"Wooooaaahhh!" gasped Link, looking over the edge of Glory. "WOOOOOOOAAAAAHHHH!"
"Link, stop messing around!" Annie said. "My jeans are about to expire in 12 minutes!"
"BUT I'M ON THE EDGE OF GLORY!" yelled Link, throwing a hippo over the edge. Navi caught the hippo and accidentally fell into the bucket of water.
"Oh, we only need five more ingredients!" announced Annie. "We'll be finished in no time." She dragged Link away from the edge of Glory and re-entered the Chicken Noodle Soup Temple.
"Wah yeao fuu," whined Link.
"According to this map, our next ingredient should be… UNDER YOUR SHOE!"
"GASP!" gasped Link, gasping. He lifted his shoe and saw his pants. "MAH PANTS!"
"That's right!" Annie said, dropping his pants into the bucket of water. "The most important ingredient!"
"But what am I going to wear on Zelda's birthday now?"
"This!" Annie held up a truck and gave it to him. "It's very comfortable. You should try it."
Link looked at the truck. He was in awe of its perfect shiny metal—the type of perfect he could never be.
"I'm going to name you Away," proclaimed Link.
"Wear Away, then," suggested Annie, stirring the bucket of water with the Onion, Navi, and Link's pants.
"I need to walk him first. He needs his exercise."
Annie stopped stirring.
"I'll walk him for you," she offered.
"If you walk Away, every day it will rain," said Link. "Rain. Rain. Rain."
Annie magically made a telephone pole appear.
"Could this telephone pole walk Away for you, then? His name is You, Baby."
"But then I might lose You, Baby," Link said. "There'll be no sunshine if I lose You, Baby."
You, Baby started crying, for he had an innate fear of getting lost while walking a truck.
"Okay…" sighed Annie, making the truck and the telephone pole vanish. "Would you rather have me give you something that's not foreign to this world?"
"Yes, please."
She made an Iron Knuckle appear.
"Have fun!"
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah." Link screamed as loud as he could. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh."
"That reminds me!" said Annie, stealing the Iron Knuckle's axe. "This is our fourth ingredient! Now we only need three more!" She looked down at the checklist that she just made.
Link's pants - - - - - X
Navi - - - - - X
Snowball
Water - - - - -X
Fish
Iron Knuckle's Axe - - - - - X
Laughter
"Let's go, Link!" she called, grabbing the bucket of water filled with the perfectly lightweight ingredients. "This will be the best French Onion Soup EVER!"
"Want my Bad Romance," Link sniffed.
"You should let go of the past," comforted Annie. "It's okay."
Link looked glumly up at her before reluctantly nodding. Then he looked over to his side and glanced down at his hand, which was holding The Past's own hand.
"The Past," Link started, "we've had a lot of great times together. I'm so sorry, but I have to do this." He hesitated. "Goodbye."
And he let go of The Past.
"The Past could be used as a substitution for the fish that we need to cook this soup with!" realized Annie. She put The Past into the bucket of water and then marked off "Fish" on her checklist. "Now we only need a snowball and laughter!"
Link liked to kick horses.
"HAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Link. Annie quickly captured his laughter and put it into the nearly-completed bucket of soup.
Link's pants - - - - - X
Navi - - - - - X
Snowball
Water - - - - - X
Fish - - - - - X
Iron Knuckle's Axe - - - - - X
Laughter - - - - - X
"Last one!" she announced. "To Death Mountain!"
Link played the Bolero of Fire using his feet and warped to Death Mountain Crater, where a flaming blue flamingo was eating a water bottle.
"Great! Now let's look for snowballs!" Annie placed the bucket of soup down and began to search for a snowball. It was then that a lady appeared in front of her.
"Annie," she said with a voice as smooth as razor blades, "my name is Skyward Sword. I am your mother."
"OH!" Link exclaimed, rushing over to Skyward Sword. "BABY, BABY, BABY, OH! I wanted to buy you off of Amazon for like, 70 Rupees, but all of a sudden they raised your price overnight to like, 120! So can I like, buy you right now? I really, really want to play you!"
"We're sorry; the ceiling fan that you are trying to purchase is out of stock. Please try again," Skyward Sword said. She turned to Annie. "My daughter, you must come with me. It is your destiny to eat THE MUFFIN."
"B-but…" Annie stuttered, glancing back at Link. "We didn't finish cooking our sou—"
"SILENCE!" boomed Skyward Sword, turning into a tomato.
"A tomato!" exclaimed Link. "I love tomatoes!" He ran over and ate Skyward Sword.
"Link! No!" Annie wailed. "Whyyyyyy?"
Link got a stomachache and dived off the ledge of Death Mountain Crater, dying painfully in the cold, unforgiving lava.
Then a snowball fell from the sky.
~x~X~x~
A/N: I do not own the following songs: "Bad Romance," "Born This Way," "Edge of Glory," "It Will Rain," and "Baby." Nor am I claiming that I like or dislike these said songs. XD
-Eternal Nocturne-
Chapter Eighteen – Completed January 13, 2012
Uploaded on January 13, 2012