A/N: OH HAI. This chapter was requested by Sir Reginald Pantloons 3rd. Although I'm pretty sure I didn't write it right…
~:~ Chapter Nineteen – Lost (TP-verse) ~:~
Link was never hungry. He was so never hungry today, in fact, that when he went into the Super Mega Awesome Fluffy Bunny Hyrulean Bakery Shop of DOOM located conveniently in a lava pool on Death Mountain, a random bystander decided to talk to him.
"Hey, I decided to talk to you," said the bystander. "Isn't that great?"
"Sure is," replied Link, looking around the bakery shop. "What do they sell here, anyway?"
"I dunno," the bystander answered, shrugging. "But I just stole your bow and arrows."
"…WHAT."
"Hehehehehehehe," chuckled the bystander. "Hehehehe. Hehe. Hehehehehe. Hehehehehe. Hehehe."
"Give those back!" demanded Link. "I need them!"
"For what?"
"I'm the Hero chosen by the Goddesses! I've been sent to defeat all evil!" Link desperately tried to reach for his bow, but to no avail. The bystander simply had very soft skin—so soft that Link got hungry. That meant that the sun liked to eat watermelons.
All of a sudden, the bystander grinned at Link.
"I used to be a Hero chosen by the Goddesses like you," he said, carefully drawing the bow, "but then I took an arrow in the knee."
The bystander shot Link in his left knee.
"OW! Why'd you do that for—OW!"
He shot Link again in his right knee.
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :)"
The bystander exploded into a million bits of candy wrappers, leaving Link's bow and arrow behind. As Link dramatically fell to the cold, unforgiving, and sexy floor, he became never hungry again.
It was then that Link became…
…*ENLIGHTENED.*
"I know what I must do now," whispered Link, his bloody knees quickly becoming bloody. He got up and rushed out of the Super Mega Awesome Fluffy Bunny Hyrulean Bakery Shop of DOOM, taking his bow with him.
And his bloody knees were very bloody.
Link ran to Hyrule Castle, where he met Zelda.
"Hello, Link," she said. "Hello, Link," she said again.
"Hello, Zelda," Link said. "You are a carrot."
"Yes, I am a carrot," Zelda said. "You are a cup of iced potatoes."
"Yes, I am cup of iced potatoes," Link said. Then he took out his bow. "I used to be a carrot like you, but then I took an arrow in the knee."
"That's a lame joke," Zelda said.
"Yes, it is a lame joke," Link said. He shot her in the knee. "But I was ordered to act like this by someone that has something to do with pantaloons."
As Zelda dramatically fell down to the floor, clutching her knee wound, she looked at Link since there was nothing more interesting to look at.
"I… I have to give you something, Link…" she said dramatically, reaching her perfectly perfect hand wrapped in porcelain skin with fingernails out to him.
"Yes, you have to give me something," Link said.
"Here… Take this…!"
"No," refused Link. "My watermelons are almost done cooking in the oven."
"Take it anyway."
"Okay."
Link took the item out of Zelda's hand.
"And now, I die," the princess whispered, closing her eyes and dying. Then she opened her eyes again and said, "I'm dead."
"Yes, you are dead," responded Link. He looked at the item in his hand. "What is this?"
"It's called a GPS system," replied Zelda. She looked around the room. "I'm dead."
"Yes, you are dead," Link said. "What does it do?"
"It's like a quieter Navi," Zelda answered.
"What's a Navi?"
"That," Zelda explained, "is what you must find out. Now go! You are my…"
And she didn't die.
"GASP!" gasped Link, gasping. "Zelda's my mother?" He nearly dropped the GPS system out of shock. "NO WAAAAAYYYY!"
He ran around in circles.
"NOOOOOOO WAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!"
Then he tripped and fell on the ceiling. The ceiling didn't like him, so it ate Link's hat, which caused him to pass out.
The next morning, Link was walking through Faron Woods.
"What a nice day," Link said. Then he looked around, wondering who said that. "Yes, it is a nice day. Who is that?" He stopped walking and frantically looked around again. "Why are you stating the obvious? Of course it's a nice day! Where are you? Are you trying to hide from me?" He put his hand on the hilt of his sword, ready to strike. "I'm not the one trying to hide!" He just couldn't figure out who was talking to him. "Yes, you are! And why do you have the same voice as me?"
Then a monkey came and stole his dignity.
"My dignity!" gasped Link, dashing after it. "Give it back! I can't wear tights without it!"
The monkey accidentally ran off a ledge and fell into the abyss below.
"Nooooooooooooooooo!" wailed Link. "My dignity!" He was so upset that he started running through the woods without looking.
Later, when he was less upset, he realized that he was lost.
"Oh noes," he whispered, glancing around. "I'm lost!"
It was then that a mysterious cloaked stranger wearing twenty belts and wielding an oversized sword came to him.
"You're lost?" asked the stranger. It was a question because it had a question mark at the end. "Here, have a banana."
"I don't get along well with bananas," wept Link. "Monkeys like bananas, and a monkey stole my dignity."
"But you are lost," said the stranger. Then he thought for a moment. "Why don't you just use that GPS system that Zelda gave you? Everyone in Hyrule Castle Town already knows that she gave you one."
"I lost it," responded Link.
"No, you didn't," the stranger said. "It's taped onto your hat. Right there."
Link took his hat off and looked at it.
"Yes, I know," he said. "But I'm lost. And since the GPS system was on me, that means it's lost, too! So I lost my GPS system!"
The stranger facepalmed.
"This is the consequence of not eating the banana," he scolded. "Next time, eat your carrot."
"No!"
Link did a pouty face. Then he licked his elbow.
"I can lick my elbow," he said. The stranger walked away and vanished into thin air. The stranger was now thin air since he vanished into it, and Link had to breathe air. But Link was allergic to the stranger. So his allergy symptoms started kicking in.
First, Link had a sudden urge to go blow on a rock. However, he couldn't blow on it strong enough, so it would never move. Aggravated, Link tried to walk away, but his symptoms kept on coming. When he looked at the sun, he saw the sun. He couldn't stand that! So he did a backflip off of a mountain and rolled down a hill with a tape dispenser.
"Gee," he said, "Nobody is a ceiling fan!"
"BWA BWA," a dinosaur said.
"Yes," replied Link. Then he pulled out his GPS system.
—Warning: this GPS system is planning to kill you—
"What could that mean?" he wondered.
—Please fry egg in toaster before dying—
"I would, but I took an arrow in the knee."
All of a suddenly in all of suddenly suddenness, a man appeared out of nowhere!
"Greetings, holder of the GPS system!" he proclaimed in a loud voice. "I am Waterbottleman! I come from nowhere, which is a pretty boring place. Because I grew up with boredom, I came to give you a free sample of my new perfume!"
Watterbottleman threw a water bottle at Link.
"Enjoy!" he said. Link looked at him, dumbfounded. "And remember: If you ever see any signs of danger, call me! Waterbottle man, FLUSH DOWN THE TOILET~!"
And he went up, up, and not away. Because he stayed right beside Link.
"I want to cuddle with you," he said. "Please?"
"Eww, no," Link refused. "I like the small version of you better!"
Link cradled the water bottle "perfume sample" in his arms.
"B-but—"
"I need some fried chicken," Link said. "My GPS system will help me get there!"
—Unavailable. Please go back to blowing on that rock—
"Aww. I don't want to blow on that rock anymore… It's too heavy!"
"HEY, Y U CALLIN ME FAT./," said the rock. "I NO FAT]- U R FAT+"
"How do you pronounce a symbol?" wondered Link as he noticed the rock's irregular speech patterns.
"DUN DO IT=," said the rock. "IT BAD FOR U.^ VER VER BAD.*!"
"$^%#$&^!" said Link. "Woah, how did I do that?"
—Error: Could not recognize voice. Preparing to kill in 3… 2… 1…—
The GPS system summoned Exodia and went OVER 9000! on him.
The rock lived happily ever after while Zelda, the monkey, and Link were left wandering the fluffy streets of the afterlife.
~x~X~x~
A/N: I'm so tired. X_X
-Eternal Nocturne-
Chapter Ninteteen – Completed February 29, 2012