Chapter 5: Freedom
Phil's eyes fluttered open and he smiled. Today was the day of his release from the clinic, and he was looking forward to moving back into his and Dan's flat. He turned his head slightly to see Dan asleep next to him, his arm still wrapped around Phil. Phil gently slid out from Dan's embrace and sat up, looking around their room. They had been here for a little over a year, and the place had started to feel like home. They had moved into their private living space about 4 months after Phil had admitted himself into the clinic. Those first few months had been the worst. Dan had only been allowed to visit for a few hours a day and they were never left alone. Phil had to be constantly watched to make sure he didn't try and hide his food. He had been tempted in the first few weeks, all that had kept him determined had been Dan. Of course, he had still had his dark days, and one easily stood out as the worst.
Phil sat on the edge of his bed, trying to coax the food into Phil's mouth. The nurse had been trying, and she had given up. They knew Phil well enough now to know that he was stubborn as hell, and if he didn't feel like co-operating, they wouldn't be able to make him. He'd already had to be admitted to the emergency ward 5 times because he went to long refusing to eat. He just didn't feel comfortable there. It smelt too much like a hospital, and he hated how he was expected to do as these strange nurses told him. Dan had offered to try and help and the nurse had left. Phil knew she was watching from behind the mirror, writing notes, preparing to send him to the emergency ward. Dan had been trying to get him to eat for 10 minutes when he put the food on the table "Whats wrong?" he asked, and Phil had eyed the food nervously before answering. "I don't like watching myself get big again" He hated watching the numbers get higher as they weighed him each week. They tried to hide the numbers from him, but he could tell by their smiles that he was gaining weight. Dan sighed and replied "Phil, it's a good thing. Your getting better. You already look so much healthier." Phil shook his head and said "I'm not perfect yet." Phil saw tears suddenly well up in Dan's eyes, and he felt a jolt of guilt. He was still hurting Dan. "I know you think you need to be skinny for me, but you don't, ok Phil? It's my fault, somehow I made you think a long time ago that you weren't good enough for me. You're too good for me, ok? I don't care about how you look, you've always been perfect. It's your personality Phil, not your weight." Phil's eyes widened. Dan though it was his fault? "It's not your fault Dan." Phil sighed "Sometimes I just forget that I've already got you. Now pass me the food, im starving, and I don't want another needle in the back of my hand so they can hook me up to that damn IV."
That had been the worst day; because it had finally hit Phil how much his self-hatred had been affecting others. He was Ok now though. He was still a bit under weight, but he was eating without supervision and he was confident that he could carry on. He would have to come back once a week for a check up, but apart from that, he was free. He only told Dan, but he was a bit worried that when he left, he might want to relapse. Dan had hugged him when he said this, and reminded him that he was going to be there to help him through. Phil glanced at the clock, and realised it was on 6:00. He bent over Dan, kissed his for head, and then climbed into the bed. He wriggled his way back into Dan's arms, smiling, and he knew he would be ok.