The Fifth Marauder

The atmosphere was lazy and languid, invigorated by the tremendously hot weather. Waves and waves of heat descended with a ruthless smirk on the Scottish countryside. Four boys sat at the edge of the Black Lake, with their trouser legs rolled up and their feet dipped in to the water.

"I'm boooreed," said Sirius petulantly. "Someone entertain me."

"You could always watch the fishes…" said Peter. He pointed to a striped one who was coolly ignoring the school of fish beside it. "That one reminds me of you."

Sirius spotted a chubby, multicolored fish. It was chasing after a red and green, slimmer one. "And that one's Prongs."

James scowled. "Shut your face."

Remus squinted into the murky blue waters. "I think your fish is being eaten."

"No," protested Sirius, "He's just play – oh man."

"Let's have a moment of silence." And they did, because, really, there was nothing much to do, except study, of course. But no one was feeling much up to it. Excluding Remus, because he was a nerd who spent his Saturdays colour coding his notes from second year.

If they weren't very into the respectful silence, then they would have felt the foreboding feeling one usually experienced right before something scary happened similar to that of horror films.

But since they were not, it came to them as a surprise when Peter suddenly shrieked (rather girlishly, yes, but let's disregard that, if you will).

"HOLY SHIIIIIIIIT- !" he managed to get out, before being unceremoniously yanked into the deep blue lake. The others watched in horror as his blond head was swallowed up by the waters. It didn't take them long to snap out of their stupor before performing the Bubble Head charm on themselves and gallantly plunging in after their friend.

They swam deeper and deeper, pushing aside lengths of seaweed in an attempt to catch sight of their friend. Suddenly, Remus beckoned them over. He had spotted Peter.

Peter looked frightened. He was sitting with his back against the side of the lake bed, his hair swaying to and fro like seaweed. His cheeks were puffed out, which meant had managed to swallow some air before he was pulled in. As they swam closer to him, they saw a black, tentacle-y thing wrapped around his leg.

James performed the Bubble Head charm on him. The water trapped in Peter's bubble evaporated. His face was distorted.

"It's the Giant Squid!" shouted Peter. "It's got me!"

And right he was. The Giant Squid rounded the corner. It waved at them with its seven other arms.

"Wazzup, my homies?" The Squid's melodic voice seemed to emitting from beneath its tentacles, for his mouth wasn't anywhere near its face.

"What the hell?" said James, and he edged away fearfully. "You can talk?"

"Imma let the slide, since you're surprised. But, bro, you say that again and we're gonna have a problem. You feel me?"

James nodded quickly.

"Excellent!" It (he?) untangled his tentacle from Peter. "Call me Bart."

Remus couldn't help himself. "Have you read Moby Dick, by any chance?"

"Does it look like I can read in here?" exclaimed Bart, gesturing to the wet water around him. He exploded with laughter and exchanged high fives all around with Peter, Sirius and James, though it took them a few moments to extract their hands from his suction-cups.

"So, Bart…where are you from? You're accent's pretty…funny."

"Look who's talking, Elizabeth!" snapped the Giant Squid. He took a moment to collect himself. "If you must know, I come from the Land of the Free. But I ain't free now! Your freaky old teach exported me here a couple years ago." Bart's voice began to quiver. "I think I'm starting to forget the lyrics to our national anthem."

"It's alright, Barty." soothed Peter.

"No it ain't!" Bart was so upset he started to exude foggy, black ink. "Wait – I think it's – it's coming back to me! Quiet!"

And so they listened to the Squid's rendition of the song. As he started to gain momentum, Bart's voice became louder and louder until the whole lake shook from its power. Rocks detached and began to rain down on the boys and they dodged and they ducked all while still trying to pay attention to Bart's performance. Who knew what Squids did to their prey. Strangle? Behead? Make them watch terrible soap operas?

Thankfully, Bart was just wrapping up. "…The land of the freeee…and the hooomeee…of the…braaaaaveee! Play ball!"

The Marauders clapped like their lives depended on it -which it sort of did.

"That was the best performance ever!" said Sirius.

"You serious?"

"Yeah, that's my name."

"Yo, I feel you. My full name's Bartholomew." He narrowed his eyes. "But if you call me that I swear to God I'll put a hole through your head."

A stream of bubbles drifted over then, lifting them from the tense silence. The bubbles ebbed away and a mermaid was revealed. She was carrying a rusty, spiky trident and a worried expression.

"Bart! I heard the most horrendous noise. It sounded like someone was being killed! Are you alright?"

The Squid scowled (or at least it seemed like it, his mouth was beneath his limbs, after all). "Well I know it's not coming from me! My parents put me in voice lessons since I was two. Plus I've been in my school's choir for five years. OK? OK. Now, is there anything you need?"

"Nothing, honeybunches, nothing at all," she smoothed over, backing away subtly. "I'll just…go."

"Don't you think you were a little tough on her?" asked James.

"Nah," said Bart jadedly. "Shelly likes it when I act up. She says I look like a sexy beast."

This was very intriguing to James. He wondered if acting like an arsehole would make Evans see him as a sexy beast. He mentally noted to research more about this later.

"I take it you two are dating?" asked Peter.

"Yooo, don't even remind me. The only reason we're together is cos she catches the best salmon." Bart winked. "Her sister, on the other hand, makes these shrimp sushi rolls that are the bomb." He briefly closed his eyes. "Heaven on my tongue, bro. Heaven on my tongue,"

"You're dating both of them?" Remus was appalled. He didn't think squids could be two timers. That sort of thing was usually reserved for losers like Sirius.

"You know it. And it works out in my favour because they hate each other's guts. So unless they talk, I'm clear. See, now their mama…that's another problem."

This set off both Sirius and James and they and Bart began to do some kind of tribal dance around in a circle, hooting like long lost monkey brothers.

"You are my HERO." Peter stated, agog, and he was quickly gained access into their circle.

Remus, feeling a bit peeved that he wasn't included and ashamed that he wanted to be, cleared his throat. "The Bubble Head charms are going to expire soon, and someone's bound to notice that we're gone so can we go?"

"You can leave," said Sirius. "But I'm staying here with my new best friend."

"No, Pads, he's right." James said ruefully as he took in the setting sun. "I've detention with the Slugs tonight and I want to get it over with. You know how much he talks."

Sirius shivered; he knew exactly how much Slughorn talked. "Guess you're right." He turned to the Squid. "We'll visit later, Bart, we promise."

The Squid nodded his head sadly. "Yeah, you gotta do what you gotta do. Just don't forget me."

"Never!" said Peter.

James nodded. "You're officially apart of the Marauders, now. You can help us pull off some ace pranks that'll scare the first years so much they'll wet their trousers!"

"Not to mention gain the street cred," said Sirius. "The mermaids are going to be all over you once they hear!"

"Thanks for reminding me," interjected Remus pompously. "We're going to have to work on that unhealthy mindset, my friend."

"DOPE!" said Bart, mostly on that idea of being included in their gang. "GROUP HUG!"

"I'm out," said James, abruptly. "The semantics are becoming… too much…" They all agreed and Bart tossed them out with his amazing cephalopods powers.

So in the end, the fifth Marauder was not a girl.

Or a boy.

Or even human.

It was the Squid.

The Giant Squid.

A/N: Thanks to Remus' daughter, LunaNotLoony, Chuggamuffin, Hpdwlotr24, chaosshotgun, and Harry1675 for reviewing!

(I don't own the national anthem or Moby Dick)

I love hedgehogs...they're so darn cute! What's your favourite animal?

Feedback's always appreciated...so, y'know...REEEVIEEEW... pwease?