Eau de Nasty and Broken Noses

I sighed longingly as I gazed at Evans from across the common room. She rejected me pretty hard the other day. She called me a sleazy dog that should be put down. I wanted to tell her that she was sorely wrong, and that it was Sirius who was the dog, but she walked away.

The memory was putting me in a dour mood, so I walked upstairs to my room hoping my friends could cheer me up. But the moment I walked in, a pungent smell entered my sinuses and I began to gag.

"What is that?" I squawked, covering my nose with my shirt.

My best friend, Sirius Black, turned around from the mirror he was standing in front of and grinned. "It's my new cologne. Eau de Rose. You like?"

I stepped away from him as the smell wafted closer. "No! More like Eau de Nasty. Could you open the window, Pete?" As Peter unlatched it, I noticed he and Remus had those wooden clips people used to hang up laundry on their noses. I envied them.

Sirius went back to preening. "Meadowes likes it."

"Girls like whatever you do," I pointed out. "Even when you treat them like crap they hang off your every word like your God's gift to mankind." And if you think I'm kidding, guess again. One time, I saw Sirius literally use a girl as a human shield during a surprise attack by the Slytherins. After the battle died down, Sirius walked away like he didn't almost kill a student and the girl ended up asking him to Hogsmeade for his 'valiant' acts.

If I tried to pull off something like that, I'd end up with a broken nose. And I did. Two days later, the Slytherins pulled another onslaught and guess who I grabbed? The same girl (who I also realized was stalking Sirius at this point) and she punched me in the noise. My nose! I had to breathe through one nostril for a whole week.

I'm beginning to suspect Sirius has some Veela blood in him. It's probably not that strong, perhaps a few generations back, since some people are immune to it. Take Evans, for example. She treats him even worse than me, and that's saying something, because she hates my guts. But I'm breaking her down. A few weeks ago, Evans smiled at me when I said hello to her. Remus told me later on that she was smiling at her friend, Alice, who was behind me. But I don't take what he says to heart too much. That werewolf could lie for England.

"James, James, James," Sirius said and his voice took on that tone one normally used for talking to children. "It's scientifically proven that girls fancy boys who make their fathers squirm."

Remus' head snapped up at the words 'scientifically proven', and said, "Somehow I don't believe anyone would carry on a study about that."

"Don't listen to him, James, he's just jealous girls won't give him anything more than the time of day," Sirius said sagely. "Here's a bit of advice: if you dress like a nerd (see: Peter) then birds will just see you as a friend. But if you dress like a cool person (see: me), you'll be pushing them off you with a broom." He sauntered towards his dresser and slid it open, and for a wild second I thought the black mass he brought out was a purse. My concerns dissipated once I saw that it was just a leather jacket.

Sirius tossed it to me, and I slung it on. It was wicked cool. The leather smelled new and there were these tiny fringes on the sleeves. Peter grinned in approval, and after rummaging through his cupboard, he took out a pair of shades.

Sirius snatched it away and tried it on. "These are smashing, Peter!" He pulled a few faces which made him look even more Veela-esque and then took them off. "Too bad I can't wear 'em. I'm reserving a broom closet tonight."

"I'll be sure to send a prefect over." Remus said flatly. Sirius bared his teeth at him and then turned to me.

"Just do what I do and I guarantee Evans will be putty in your hands before curfew." He threw Peter's shades at me and I placed them over my glasses. It was a bit uncomfortable, but sacrifices needed to be made.

Nodding my head at Peter and Remus' echoes of good lucks, Sirius and I made our way downstairs. I tried to slow myself down to Sirius' pace on the stairs, but the tosser was taking his sweet time. I guess he thought this made him seem cool. Anyway, we finally arrived down to the common room and I snuffed out Evans by the fireplace. She looked seraphic. Sirius closed my mouth for me. I thanked him.

"I can't be seen out with a loser," was all he said. Meadowes was making her way over to us then, and Sirius morphed his face to look bored.

"Hi," she said, giggling nervously.

"Sup,"

"Ready to go?"

I shot Sirius a panicked look; I still needed him!

"I'll catch up to you later," he said, and I grinned in relief. "There's just something I have to do first."

Meadowes shrugged and walked off, no doubt wondering how in the world Sirius was going to find her from all the broom closets in the school. Good thing she didn't know about the map.

We walked over towards Evans and she frowned upon sighting us.

"What do you want?" she asked foully.

I subtly glanced at Sirius who had maneuvered himself so that he was behind Evans, but not so much that I couldn't see him. When our eyes locked, he waved his hand in a 'hello' motion.

"Hello," I said, and Sirius grinned in approval.

Evans narrowed her eyes. "…hello," she said distrustfully, taking in my shade-covered eyes and leather jacket. She was probably melting inside. "What do you want?"

I looked at Sirius. He was pointing at himself, and then Evans and he wrinkled his nose and started to snort. Thankfully the common room was too loud for Evans to hear him, or else it would have been awkward. If things weren't getting strange enough, he pantomimed taking a shot of firewhiskey…hey!

"How 'bout a date to Hogsmeade, Evans?" I mentally patted myself on the back for that one. And they say I'm not clever.

"I said it once, and I'll say it again, Potter: No."

My eyes flickered over to Sirius, and I said, "Erm...your…hair…it's…fluffy?"

"What?"

"I…like – no love! I love...your stockings?"

Evans stood up. "I'm leaving."

"Wait!" I cried. Sirius was doing some weird, spastic movements and I decided to ignore him. Either he was having a seizure or he wanted me to electrocute Evans.

"What?"

I don't know what possessed me to do what I did. I think it was the leather jacket and its cool vibes that made me do it. Or perhaps it was Peter's wicked sunglasses. Or maybe Sirius' Eau de Nasty addled my brain, because she was standing there, looking so angry and beautiful, that I couldn't help myself.

So I kissed her.

Or at least, I attempted to.

My lips were halfway to the journey before Evans deterred me with a punch to the nose.

Ouch.

Did you ever see stars swirl above someone's head on Muggle cartoons whenever they get hurt? Well that's what I saw when Evans decked me. And I think the stars were laughing at me.

She stormed off quickly after that, while I rolled on the floor with my hands over my throbbing nose, left to my own misery. I could vaguely recall Sirius crouching over me, asking me if I was alright. I was making weird 'baa' noises, then. First that stalking girl and now Evans. At this rate, my nose was going to be as crooked as Dumbledore's before Christmas.

Sirius eventually left me, muttering about how he had some business on the forth floor to deal with, and that he was really sorry he couldn't tend to my bruised ego (and nose).

I think I baa'ed after him, but things got pretty fuzzy after that. Though I did remember thinking that at least I wouldn't have to smell his Eau de Nasty, anymore...

A/N: First person is really fun to write in, ha ha.. ;)

What's your favourite to read? First, second or third? Past or present?

Thanks to LionessoftheEast, Red Moon Lollipop, Chuggamuffin, chaosshotgun, Harry1675, Hpdwlotr24, Remus' daughter, Crystalline-Enchantix and bubblecloudz for reviewing! :))

Oh, and happy almost April fool's, too!

Please review!

(That rhymes, boooo!)