"You alright, Claire?... D'you need any more tea? Or a glass of wine? Bottle of wine?... Claire?... Was Dan being 'domineering and illicit'? Is that why you had to leave?... Claire? D'you need some more... comforting?"

"Fuck off, Toby."

Toby nodded but didn't try to move from his spot next to Claire on the sofa. Women were complicated and gave mixed signals but ground work and persistence were important, he knew that for a fact, and Toby wasn't about to let this pass him by. Even if Claire did keep telling him to fuck off. She was probably just upset about Dan.

About Dan being gay.

He drank his tea so that Claire would understand he was giving her space and that he wasn't a creep just sitting there watching her breasts go up and down as she breathed, and also so that he didn't accidentally reveal that the whole gay scandal thing confused him. He thought they were all cool with gays, cos it was the naughties and that. Not that he was gay. No way. He didn't understand why a guy would prefer dick to pussy but then, he hadn't been brave enough to try the whole 'stray' thing, so maybe he would never really get it. There was lots of stuff he didn't really get.

Sometimes he felt bad about being straight, like it made him just another sheep or something, or that people would think he was, like, a racist against gays or something, but he was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to be with a guy, even if Dan was doing it for real now.

He hadn't met that Jones guy, but he'd seen him at clubs and raves and stuff and he couldn't be that young 'cos he'd been on the scene for years, and he'd once seen him nut a guy twice his size in the skull for insulting his music so he was pretty sure that Jones could handle Dan, who tended just to insult people using words they didn't understand.

"So, d'you... need comforting now?"

Claire glared at him so hard for a second he thought she might actually try to hit him and he slid away across the sofa.

"What are you even doing here, Toby?"

"He's helping me open jars," Pingu said quietly from the doorway. "But he's going now. Toby? Toby, you're going now."

Toby didn't want to move. If Pingu kicked him out now he might never be let back in and what with Nathan on an "extended leave of fucking-absence, yeah?" at his parents' house in Spain, he didn't really have much to do. Other than go to work. He did need to go to work, but he didn't want to leave Claire, and surely comforting someone in distress was a decent reason for missing a day at the desk?

And if he left now and Claire decided she needed to have sex or something, then Pingu would get the filthy love squeezings and he'd miss out. It had already happened with Barley, brown doors painted white and all that (though he wasn't entirely sure he got that analogy) and the rumour went that she'd had it off with Robin from accounts as well. Everyone was getting some Claire Ashcroft loving except him. He needed to make this happen.

"So Claire," he said, ignoring Pingu and trying to sound smooth and confident but also not intimidating. "You do seem really upset. It must be hard to read that about your brother. And quoting from some mysterious 'close friend' of theirs who you've never met. You must feel really concerned. Or something. But I can help."

He turned to her, giving his sexiest (but also emotionally available) look, but was a little put off when he saw Pingu shake his head slowly and roll his eyes.

"Tell me what you need, babes? Anything you want, I'll make it happen."

He'd heard that women responded to men who made them feel reassured and reminded them of capable men from their past so Claire's snorted laughter was a bit of a strange response but she smiled at him and Toby realised that it was actually working because Claire had leaned in toward him and was looking up at him in a way that Cosmo said girls did to show they were vulnerable but which at the same time drew attention to their tits.

"You want to help me? Toby? You really want to make me feel better? Get SugaRape and Jonatton Yeah? to issue a formal apology to my brother and Jones for writing shit about them. That'd make me feel much better. I might even hug you, and you'll be able to feel my nipples through my shirt when I do. What d'you think of that, hey?"

Toby couldn't believe his luck. Claire was offering up her nipples for his delectation. Sure, bringing down SugaRape was a big task, but a hero was supposed to prove himself to the fair maiden, right? And he was so ready to be centre stage and the main man. He was going to do this thing, whatever this thing ended up being (he hadn't thought of a plan yet, but he would, and there were some really smart people at his work who would probably help) he was going to do it!

"So, does this mean... Dan isn't gay?"

Claire gave him a dark glare and he looked down at his tea cup quickly. He didn't want to jeopardize his boob privileges before they'd even been instated.

"Dan is... Dan and Jones are... they are a couple but it's their own business and shouldn't be gossip. Do you understand me, Toby?"

Claire was using that slow, teacherly voice that was just like his mum's and made him feel like a naughty, stupid little boy - but not in the fun, porn sort of way - and he nodded solemnly before daring to look up at her. He really wanted to make her like him but was seriously worried that he wasn't good enough like Claire, who had opinions and that.

Toby was a secretary. And yeah, he got a lot of shit about that from his mates, and strangers in the pub sometimes, and his dad, but he knew how to write emails and make phone calls and how to get stuff done. He knew about keeping people waiting and rushing them when they weren't ready and pissing people off in a way that made them feel like they couldn't actually do anything about stuff, or that maybe it was their fault. And those were skills even if most people didn't realise it.

Like the rent situation with him and Barley. He'd convinced Nathan that as the primary lease holder he should be paying more than Toby. That since Nathan's parents had paid the bond and most of Nathan's share of the rent was coming from them, Nathan's share had to be bigger, because there were laws about paying rent for a place you weren't living in. Nathan thought Toby just had his best interests at heart. He, and everyone else, thought Toby was too stupid to be up to no good and they were usually right about that, but that didn't mean he was all... natural yoghurt and inoffensively patterned shirts, or something.

He could do wild and out there stuff. He'd taken a blank legal waver form from work once, for Nathan. Except that that hadn't really worked out for the best. He hadn't been caught but he'd stolen from work and he always felt worried that someone would find out. And Nathan had used the form on Dan after the whole 'window' thing. I mean, Dan's mum had got it sorted out, she was well smart, and scary, so it'd all been fine, but it had still made him feel... bad. Claire had been really upset and he didn't want Claire to be upset, he wanted her to be so blown away by his metrosexual manliness and cool that she dropped her panties.

Claire gave him a smile when he looked up, showing her front teeth and all, which was supposed to mean that she was well up for it, and Toby felt himself get excited at the realisation that this was finally on. He grinned back before he realised that he might be coming across as too enthusiastic.

"Don't you worry, Claire," he said, jumping up from the sofa and trying to ignore the fact that he had just sort of spilled tea on his trousers. "I'll do it. You can rely on me!"

He didn't wait for Claire to reply, she was probably overcome with emotion anyway, and marched past Pingu to the door with a swagger he'd copied from that guy in Boondock Saints and had been practicing in front of the mirror.

"You can count on me, Claire!"

He didn't hear Pingu's quiet laughter as he left but he probably wouldn't have thought much of it anyway. Toby was a man on a mission. He'd do what Claire asked him to and then... shit, he still didn't have her phone number. He might have to call Pingu later and get that... But he was definitely going to impress Claire and save the day. There was some seriously good sex on offer, and Toby really liked the idea of sex.