you are my life, my love, my only
He runs into her at Starbucks.
"Dan."
"Hey."
It's awkward. So incredibly awkward. He hasn't seen her in months. She looks so good in her high heels and coat, her hair a little bit darker and cascading over her shoulders. He wants to reach out and touch her, make sure she's real. He's imagined this scenario a thousand times, come up with a hundred different things he would say to her if he had the chance. Tell her he was sorry, ask why she didn't leave a note. He's dreamed about yelling at her more than once, screaming until he was red in the face, demanding to know how in the hell she could just give up on them after everything they went through.
"How've you been?"
He cringes at the way the words sound, desperate and needy. He's not supposed to care anymore.
And still.
"Okay. I'm working for a production company now, so I've been pretty busy." She won't meet his eye, her gaze fixed at some random point just past his left ear. "And you? How are Rufus and your sister?"
"They're good. My father is busy with the gallery. Jenny just graduated from Fashion School, she's so happy about being an official designer now." Her fingers tighten around her cup, thumbnail scraping over the cardboard sleeve in that way that used to drive him insane. She'd always huff when he reached out and plucked the cup from her hands, making a show of sliding the sleeve off and throwing it away. He wonder how she'd react if he tried that now. "How's Nate?"
"He's-" She falters, her free hand rising to rest on her flat stomach. Her stomach that would have been rounded and inhibiting her daily life by now if he had only been just a few seconds faster. If only he'd been able to push her away from the coming car. If only he'd been better. "He's okay. Seeing a therapist, trying to deal with it. He still blames himself. I've tried to convince him that he's the hero, that he's prevented the worst."
"And Blair?"
Serena smiles softly, her eyes shimmering. "The baby keeps her going." In a tiny voice, she continues. "She asked me to be his godmother. Thought it would help."
His heart stumbles. "Does it?"
"Sometimes." She finally looks him in the eye. "But not really. Nothing really helps, Dan."
"Serena-" He takes a step forwards, his hands lifting toward her.
"Hey, babe. You ready to go?"
A tall man with a chiseled jaw strides up, throws an arm over her shoulder. Dan just stares at her, watches the pity and fear flash through her eyes. She's on a date.
She's dating.
His blood stops flowing and he feels his knees lock, body swaying periously on the spot. He cannot pass out in the middle of Starbucks. Dan tears his eyes away from Serena, examines the man standing next to her. He's tall and handsome, with a kind face and an easy smile. He obviously has no idea what he's standing in the middle of, can't feel the palpable tension spanning the distance between them. His hand comes out, palm broad and calloused, and Dan takes it, forces himself not to squeeze until he feels his bones cracking.
"Matthew Bates."
"Dan Humphrey."
Recognition sparks in the man's eyes and Dan takes a small measure of comfort in that. At least he knows. At least she doesn't pretend like it never happened.
Like they never happened.
"We should go," Serena says, an apology in her voice. "It was good to see you."
It's a lie and they both know it.
"Yeah, you too."
"Tell Jenny I said congratulations."
"I will."
He watches them walk out, Matthew pulling Serena close to his side as the chilly December air swirls around them. Dan finishes his coffee with a shaking hand, his stomach rebelling against the intrusion. He tosses the cup and pulls out his gloves, tugging them on quickly. He just needs to get out. The flash of gold on his left hand catches his attention and he swallows back the dry sob, yanks his glove on savagely. He'll take it off when he gets home.
Put it in the box next to hers.