I'm kissing her. I'm kissing Emily Fitch and it is fucking amazing! She's lying on top of me and we've been kissing ever since she admitted she can't stop thinking about me; which, by the way, is a hell of an ego boost. The girl is fucking perfect. She could literally have anyone, man or woman, she could have her pick, yet here she is, kissing me.

I just can't get enough of her. Her lips are soft, yet demanding and she kisses with the same kind of passion she brings to her work. I could literally lie here with her on top of me all day long and never get tired of her lips on mine; except my knee is still aching from our workout earlier and it's starting to go in to cramp. I try to shift as subtly as I can in order to get some relief, but a twinge of pain shoots through my leg and I can't stop myself from crying out.

"Is it your leg?" Emily pulls back, her face full of concern as she moves her hands to my knee. Her fingers knead in to my flesh as she tries to massage the cramp, though the effect is lost a little through my jeans. Emily seems to have the same idea as she looks up at me with a coy smile. "This would work better if you weren't wearing these." She tugs on my pant leg to emphasise her point. I must be staring at her like some sort of open mouthed goldfish because she laughs and ducks her head down to kiss me again. I put my mouth to good work and start kissing her back as my fingers stumble over the buttons on my jeans. I'm so nervous that my hands are shaking. I don't think I've been this anxious since my first time with a girl.

Emily helps me with the tricky buttons and between the two of us we manage to slip my jeans off without our lips having to part. Once my legs are exposed she sits back and begins massaging my knee. She works her fingers over the aching joint and it feels amazing; I can't help but wonder what they would feel like elsewhere. A moan escapes my lips as I try to sit forward to catch her lips again and I end up pulling my hamstring. I ignore the pain as I pull the smaller girl in closer and she ends up lying over me as we start to kiss again. My legs could literally be dropping off and I wouldn't care; not with this gorgeous girl lying on top of me.

"We could go up to my room…" Emily pulls away; biting at her lip, she nervously ducks her head down and pushes her hair behind her ears. Her cheeks are flushed and she looks so fucking adorable as she suggests we go upstairs. My heart is pounding wildly against my chest as she gets to her feet and tugs me up along with her. I almost stumble over my own feet as I follow her out of the living room. We climb the stairs in a tense kind of silence, Emily's hand never leaving mine. Once we reach the last step I decide it's been far too long since I've felt her lips against mine. I cup her cheek as I move in close, pushing her back up against one of the doors at the top of the stairs.

It swings open with our combined weight pressed against it and Emily giggles in to my mouth as we both stumble back in to one of the bedrooms. I'm not sure if it's Emily's room or some kind of guest bedroom, but it has a bed and that's all I care about. "God you're beautiful." I sigh, unable to believe this is actually happening. I trail my lips along her jaw and down to her collarbone as my hands work their way under the hem of her dress. If I actually stopped to think about all of this for five seconds then I'd probably realise we're about to make everything a hell of a lot more complicated.

I don't want to stop though; not even for a second. Emily doesn't seem to want to either. She goes to work on the buttons of my shirt. Before long she has it open and her lips are attacking the side of my neck as she walks me backwards towards her bed. Her confidence seems to be growing by the second as she pushes me down on to her bed and climbs on to my lap.

I can't help feeling a little underdressed, seeing as I'm only in my underwear and she's still fully clothed. I quickly rectify that by pulling her dress up over her head. God, her body is stunning. Her stomach is so flat and smooth that it looks like it's carved out of marble, yet her skin is soft as I run my fingers across her abs. "Wow…" I gaze up at her like I'm seeing her for the very first time. Her soft red curls spill over her shoulder as she dips her head to kiss me again. I hold on to the back of her neck with both of my hands, pulling her in closer. Emily's hands run all over my body, like she's trying to map every last part of it.

She grows more comfortable as she kisses her way down my chest, stopping at the waistband of my knickers. I'm practically shaking with anticipation when her teeth scrape lightly against my hip. I almost shoot off the bed. "Jesus Em…" Her nickname rolls off my tongue like I've said it every day of my life. I throw my head back, frustrated by how agonizingly slow she's being about removing the last of my clothes. All of her shyness seems to have melted away. She has the same kind of sureness she gets when we're in the gym, like she's perfectly at ease being almost naked in bed with another girl; with me.

I'm not sure if I'm the first girl she's ever slept with, but she seems to know what she'd doing. Some people think it's just instinctive, like girls just instantly know what to do to each other. It's not; trust me. I've slept with girls who, quite honestly, didn't have the first fucking clue about making me feel good. Emily is different though. She takes her sweet time, teasing me as she kisses her way down to my breasts. It's like every nerve ending in my body is on fire as she finally moves down lower. She looks up at me, our eyes locking as she seems to hesitate for the first time since we made our way upstairs.

Maybe she's thinking about Freddie, or about the wedding; or maybe she's just worried about going down on a girl for the first time. Her expression is hard to read and I can't quite tell whether she's just anxious, or if she's having second thoughts. I bite my tongue, knowing that if I open my mouth to try and reassure her I'll end up telling her everything, and she'll hate me for it. Effy's right, I can't be the one to tell Emily that her future husband is cheating on her. If she finds out I even know Freddie it will all be over. I know it's selfish, but I don't want to lose what we have.

"I'm getting married next month." She finally comes out with what's eating away at her, and it's like a knife straight through my heart. My lips feel dry as I finally part them and nod at her.
"I know." She shouldn't be. Freddie's a tosser, and quite frankly an idiot for even needing to look at another woman. I want to tell her the truth, I really do; but I can't. I can't risk losing Emily Fitch from my life by being honest with her.

"I've never done this before." I'm not sure if she means sleeping with a girl, or cheating on Freddie. She's biting her lip, looking completely torn as she moves so that she's lying beside me again. She pulls the covers up over both of us as props herself up on her elbow and waits for me to say something back. Her guilt is clearly eating away at her. She has no idea that her fiancé has been fucking another woman for months; that he never stopped to question what he was doing the first night he climbed in to Effy's bed. It makes me sick to my stomach knowing that I'm helping the bastard to get away with cheating on her. She deserves better than him, better than me.

"We don't have to…" I try to reassure her that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to. She can tell me to go right now and I will; it'll kill me, but I'd leave if she asked me to. "We can stop. I can go…"
"No, stay! Please." She looks up at me, her big brown eyes imploring me to stay right where I am; though she clearly still doesn't know exactly what it is she wants. We lie back down and Emily curls up beside me, laying her head down on my chest. We're both still half naked, but there's been a definite shift in the mood. It's not about tearing each other's clothes off anymore, we're just lying curled up in bed, neither of us daring to speak. It feels like I'm barely even breathing as I lie staring up at the ceiling. I'm in bed with the most amazing girl I've ever met and there's nothing I can do about it without fucking everything up completely. I hate Freddie for all of this, and Effy too; but most of all I hate myself.

I'm not sure when I managed to fall asleep, or even how I did with Emily lying beside me and my body feeling like its burning up from the inside out; but somehow I did, and when I wake up I'm alone in bed. I sit up and try to stretch off the general ache that I've woken up with. I hate mornings. Waking up feeling like I've had no sleep whatsoever and I've somehow been run over by a truck in the middle of the night. I'd love to say that spending the night with Emily made it different, that being near her in some way made me sleep soundly; but it doesn't work that way. I drag myself out of bed and pick my shirt up off the floor. It's creased and crumpled, but it's all I've got to wear.

It's not like I planned on spending the night. It's only as I start looking around for my jeans that I remember they're downstairs in the living room. "Fuck." I mutter to myself. The last thing I want is to make things even more awkward. Walking downstairs in just my shirt and underwear definitely comes under the 'awkward' category. I glance around the room, looking for a solution to my conundrum. I didn't really pay much attention to the room last night when we were stumbling in to it, but it's obviously Emily's bedroom. The walls are a pale lilac, while the curtains and carpet are a complimenting deep purple. The king sized bed has a small table on each side with a lamp. The bedside table on the side I was sleeping on has a man's silver watch, a handful of change and a can of Lynx sitting on top of it.

I ignore the obvious implications of sleeping on Freddie's side of the bed as I cross over to the wardrobes on the far wall. I take a guess at which one I think will be Freddie's and it pays off. I find a pair of his jogging pants and pull them on; since I don't think any of Emily's pants would actually go down past my calf. Once I'm finally dressed, I head down the stairs to face Emily and what didn't happen last night. I find her in the kitchen, humming away to herself with the radio on. Pausing at the door, I watch her with a faint smile as she fusses over a pan on the stove. It's stupid early and she still looks fucking gorgeous. Her hair is wet and tied back, suggesting she's been up long enough to have had a shower.

"Hi." I greet her so she doesn't suddenly turn around and find me watching her like I'm lurking or something. When she turns to face me her expression is easy to read. She looks glad to see me standing there, yet apprehensive at the same time.
"Hey. I was just about to wake you up. I made breakfast." She turns back to the stove, turning her attention to plating up whatever it is she's been cooking. It looks like we're not about to have deep conversations about what happened or where we go from here. I don't know whether to be relieved or disappointed.

So instead, I peer over her shoulder and frown at the scrambled egg she's spooning over toast. "Are those eggs are ok? I've never seen scrambled egg look so pale." I hear her breathe catch a little from how close I'm standing behind her, but she doesn't try to move away, so I don't either. I can feel the heat coming from her back and smell the scent of her shampoo, and the hunger I feel in the pit of my stomach has nothing to do with food.
"It's made from egg white, no yolk." She laughs at my ignorance as she adds strips of bacon from another pan. "It's whole wheat toast, scrambled egg whites and turkey bacon. Nice and healthy." She smiles at me as she hands over one of the plates. I don't think I've ever seen a fried breakfast look so neat. Saturday morning fry-ups usually involve me and Cook going down to one of the greasy spoon cafes on the high street for a full English, complete with fatty bacon and chewy sausages that taste like rubber.

My attention isn't really on my plate though, as I look past it and down at Emily. Neither of us seems to move for close to a minute, and then suddenly I'm putting my plate down on the bench behind her and moving in to cup her cheeks as our lips crash together. Her arms wrap around the back of my neck as she leans up on her toes to kiss me. It's the same frenzy as it was last night, with the two of us locking lips like it's the last time we'll ever see each other. Who knows, maybe it is. It's not like we can keep making out when she's married. We're both breathless when we finally pull apart. Emily keeps her arms around my neck and my hands find her waist as we stand there trying to catch our breaths, breakfast completely forgotten about.
"I don't know what I'm doing." Emily admits with a heavy sigh, making no attempt to move. "I feel like I'm losing my mind."

I know just how she feels. I've never fallen so hard and so fast for any girl before. It was hard enough when I thought she was straight, but finding out she's not has just made things worse. It's like some sick cosmic joke, having the perfect girl dangled right in front of me and knowing I could never have her without all of the lies spilling out. If I tell her the truth I lose her. I could have stopped things from going this far if I'd just told her I already knew Freddie that day at the gym when she introduced us; but no, I had to back him up and pretend I had no idea who he was. I'm so fucked. There is no way for this to end without someone getting hurt, and that someone is more than likely going to be Emily.

"You could leave him…" It's a stupid suggestion and I know it, but I have to try. "You don't have to go through with the wedding-"
"I don't have a choice." Her eyes start to well up with tears. "I can't leave him Naomi. You don't understand!" Emily pulls away, wrapping her arms protectively around herself as she shrinks back against the kitchen counter.

"We're getting married. I've bought the dress and we've ordered the cake and…"
"Em, you don't have to get married just because you've already bought the stupid dress!" It's not about the dress or the cake, or any of that stuff. I think she's terrified of coming out to her family. I've been out to my mum since I was sixteen; I couldn't imagine being Emily's age and still holding that secret inside of me, unable to share it with the people closest to me. "Look, however badly you think your family will react, it really won't be as bad as you imagine-"

"I don't need to imagine anything!" She snaps at me. It's a little startling to hear Emily raise her voice. She's like a quiet little mouse most of the time, nothing like her loud mouthed sister. "I already came out to them." She adds in a softer tone. She sounds so broken and helpless as she admits this to me. I don't want to rub salt in the wound by asking what happened, but it must have been bad for her to want to pretend to be straight so badly.

She carries on without any prompting from me and I can see how painful it is for her to talk about. "I told Katie I thought I was gay. She said I was just being a stupid cow and that I wasn't really a dyke. We started shouting at each other and, well, my mum walked in the room and Katie told her everything." She swallows hard, struggling to carry on. I move in slowly, so as not to spook her, and wrap my arms around her waist. She buries her face against my chest before she picks up where she left off. Her usually hoarse voice comes out muffled, and I strain to hear every word.

"She told me I was wrong. That being gay was a sickness and it was perverted… So I told her Katie was wrong, and I started dating Freddie a few weeks later. He'd always liked me, ever since we were kids. He was safe." She pulls back and wipes at the tears in her eyes with a faint smile. "I know he'll never hurt me." Oh Emily, if only you knew what the cheating bastard was really like.

I should tell her. I should tell her what's going on with him and Effy right now. If she's using him as some kind of cover, then maybe she won't be so upset when I tell her he's been cheating on her for the better part of the last six months while they've been planning their wedding. "I don't think I could pretend with anyone else. He's the only man I could ever make myself love…I'd be lost without him." Ok, so maybe telling her is still a bad idea after all.

I struggle over what to say to her as I wrestle with my conscience. She takes my silence the wrong way and suddenly she's pulling away completely. "I should go finish getting ready. I'm meeting with a client in an hour." She turns her back on me; and just like that I've lost yet another chance to come clean with her.

A/N: Sorry it's been a while guys! I've just gone back to work after 6 weeks off, so I haven't had much time to write since I've pretty much been working and sleeping the last few weeks.