Saul felt as though the bottom had fallen out of the world. He had watched Abu Nazir's body being committed to the deep today, knowing he'd remember the date forever. A solemn occasion, the end of an era. He was wise enough to know that the next era had already begun, even before the last one had ended, but he wished Carrie had been there to mark it with him all the same. It would have been fitting.
Then he got the call.
He didn't believe it until his car pulled up at Langley, waved past the blockade. He scrambled past the military ambulances, the firefighters, the forensics people already at the site. Emergency tents had been erected. The smoke was lifting. Total devastation, charred and leveled, a fresh hell. The most awful smell. Somebody spoke to him. He had no idea who she was. She kept asking him questions. He was irritated by her, that was until she explained that Saul was the most senior CIA officer on site and she needed his clearance for certain things. There was no one else.
She led him to the hall and his knees nearly gave way. Rows of body bags. Some of them didn't look full. She gave him the stats. It was like her voice was coming to him from the bottom of a well, he struggled to understand the words. Twenty-something people taken to hospital, many of those in critical condition, not expected to make it. Very few walking wounded.
She had a list. The names of those who had been taken way in ambulances. Carrie's name wasn't there. He smoothed his hair repeatedly over the back of his head in an unconscious movement. He always did it, it was borne of stress. That and removing his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose. He always did that when he was losing a fight with Mira. Or when Carrie was being impossible.
There was a second list. Those amongst the dead that they had already managed to identify. He swallowed hard. No Carrie Matthison.
Missing, presumed dead.
He had already called Carrie's cell in the car over here and got no answer. He tried again. The same. The third and fourth time, he left tearful voicemails.
"A more balanced life". That's what she said she wanted. That's what she thought she'd get with Nicholas Brody. That's what they had fought over this morning. The part she had played in catching Nazir had earnt Carrie her job back, the offer of a great step up in her career. A reward for the indignities she had suffered, for her unwavering commitment. Despite her illness and the unconventional way she achieved things, he had argued her case and on balance, the results spoke for themselves. She was in, and he was very proud of her. But she was seriously considering giving it up. For that devious son of a bitch Brody. She had made Saul lose his temper. He had said some horrible things. He knew she took it badly when he criticized her but he had wanted to snap her out of it. Brody would always be the man who had put on a suicide vest. If Saul found out Brody had been wearing one today he didn't know what he would do. He suddenly didn't want to be right on this. Saul consulted the lists again. Brody's name was not down either.
They had asked Saul if he felt up to helping them identify some of the bodies. He did not feel up to it at all, but he had accepted anyway. If he hadn't, then somebody else would just have to do it. The loved ones of the dead would just have their agonising wait prolonged. So he had agreed. His voice grew weaker with every bag they unzipped, every time he braced himself for blond hair, until he could barely speak at all. Saul had seen horrors before, but nothing like this. He sank onto his haunches. Saul had been at the CIA for over thirty years and he had seen many bright people come and go. Some were his friends, some had definitely not been. Most of them he at least respected. Many of them had died today. Such unspeakable loss.
But if Carrie had gone too he suspected it would also be the end for him. He blinked back tears. His dearest friend.
As he picked his way through the rubble, searching for any sign of her, his phone rang. He fumbled in his pocket, nearly dropping it in his haste to get it to his ear. Mira. Thank god. It was so good to hear her voice but the line was bad. He spoke to her softly, he couldn't seem to find the breath. She told him how sorry she was, how glad she was that he was safe. She said that she would come back for him. He told her he thought that Carrie was gone. "Oh, Saul", she whispered, "I'll be there soon, just hold on." He hung up, closed his eyes and planted a small kiss on his phone.
That nameless woman appeared again. They had reason to suspect that the blast came from a vehicle stationed close to the auditorium. Saul asked if they knew who that vehicle was registered to. What kind of device was used. They hadn't got that far yet. He fully expected to hear Congressman Brody's name when they did. If he was correct, and if Carrie had been caught up in all this, he only prayed that it had all been over before she knew that Brody had been responsible. He knew he had to keep an open mind at this stage but he had this awful feeling.
He paced the hall. A couple more body bags had been added to the grid in the short time he had been away. He started to pray, muttering the words under his breath.
Someone behind him said his name.
He would never dare ask for another miracle again in his life.
There she was, just standing there. A few cuts on her face, looking pale and drawn, but totally fine. She was a little sooty and he could see tracks that her tears had cut through the dirt on her cheeks. They held each other so tight that he felt lightheaded. "I was in your office at the window. I'd gone there to think. I saw it happen, Saul.", she offered. "I must have hit the wall, I didn't know where I was when I woke up". He rubbed her arm.
She let go of him and fell quiet. He watched the impact from the grid of body bags hit Carrie. It was awful watching somebody else see it for the first time. "Oh, god", she whispered, pushing her hair behind her ear with a trembling hand.
He had to ask. It was important for the investigation but he wanted to avoid upsetting her further. He knew how fragile she could be and he still felt bad about their fight this morning. He didn't want to seem at all 'I told you so.'
"And Brody?" He asked softly, narrowing his eyes. She couldn't see him clench his fist as he had said his name.
Carrie looked at Saul and frowned for what seemed like an age. "I...I don't know, Saul". She shook her head and looked down at the floor.
He saw her chin wobble. He pulled her into his arms and smoothed her hair. "It's okay. It's okay, Carrie. You're here and that's all that matters. Let's get you to the doctor.".
He wanted to get her away from there before she caught on to his growing suspicion of Brody. She didn't need to hear that right now. He knew she wasn't stupid, that she must be arriving at the same conclusions as him. There was no need to label the point.
He made her leave. Made her promise to get some rest. She said that Maggie and Frank were waiting up for her. He'd call her tomorrow and they would go from there.
Saul took a deep breath, hung his head and resumed his prayer.