Saul was absent-mindedly chewing the end of his pen, staring in the direction of the window, yet not out of it. He wasn't focusing, just letting the sunlight sting his weary eyes. She wondered what he was thinking, what he was watching in the middle distance. Carrie coughed again and he span round in his chair, startled. He got up quickly without saying a word and scooped her up, squeezing her tight. A bear hug, she thought to herself, smiling softly. She was forced to cough again. "Too hard? I'm sorry, Carrie.", he said, setting her down and looking her over carefully.
"I just saw Quinn." Carrie said, deflecting Saul's serious gaze and preventing him from following it up with any poignant comments that might have made her cry. "He was nice to me for a whole five minutes. Things must be bad.".
"Yeah. They must be. He bought me bagels.", Saul agreed. "How are you feeling?".
"I'm okay I guess.". The furrow in her brow and the twitch in her chin undermined her answer. "And you?". She peered up at him and it struck him that she resembled a tiny bird perching on a bare branch.
Saul issued the longest sigh and shrugged. But then he smiled warmly, "I'm better for seeing you.".
Carrie was taken aback at just how much Saul seemed to have aged overnight. Quinn hadn't been exaggerating when he had warned her. He appeared to be taking comfort from her company though, their fight from the day of the bomb seemed to have been forgotten. They were just grateful to still have one another when everyone else had been ripped away. Because of this amnesty, Saul let Carrie persuade him that he needed a break where normally he would have shrugged her off and continued regardless.
"You have a good couple of hours before you'll be required on site.", Carrie reasoned. "Nobody is going to begrudge you a shower and a cat nap, Saul.".
"You're telling me I look like shit. Do I look like shit?". He asked, nodding before she even opened her mouth in reply.
"Yes. Yes you do.", Carrie confirmed, looking down at his papers. "We can take anything you have so far and make a start on it at your place. We won't waste any time. Come on, let's go Berenson, get your things.". She clapped her hands together.
He gave in and gathered up his files, switched off the laptop. He did feel kind of grimy and he knew her proposal made sense. He had little energy to argue in the face of her vim, anyway. He watched her make a beeline for the large block of different coloured post-its on the desk and stuff them greedily into her satchel. "We'll need supplies.", she explained, while cherry-picking some pens from the desk tidy.
He understood that they were putting a brave face on things, he got that they were trying to keep each others' spirits up. He hoped that was what it was. He prayed he wasn't going to have to call Maggie. Carrie seemed a little nervy, a little too 'up' considering what she had just been through. He hoped it was just her reaction to things, a way of coping. He would watch her carefully.
Carrie drove them to his place after Saul had passed by the site one more time for an update and to let them know he should be reached on his cell if anything significant came to light. He felt guilty for leaving. Carrie had waited beyond the cordon, shuddering at the sight of the crater located where the auditorium used to be. They didn't speak much on the journey, as if their initial effort to keep things lighthearted had quickly exhausted them and they had inevitably slipped back to a more appropriately subdued state. She had played some jazz in the car and Saul had allowed the music to sweep him away for a minute or two, grateful for the respite from the darkness lodged in his mind's eye. He watched her while they were stopped at the lights and noticed her fingers trembling on the steering wheel. He saw tears form in her eyes. The lights turned to green and she stalled the engine. The cars behind started to sound their horns. "Fuck! Fuck it!", she shouted in frustration that quickly became desperation. Carrie's tears began to roll and Saul made her pull into the side of the road until she could compose herself. "It happened again, Saul.", she uttered through her tears. He assumed she was referring to Brody pulling the wool over her eyes. "We got hit. So hard. We missed it again.". Saul unbuckled his seatbelt and hugged her, realising that she was talking about the attack in general and that she still hadn't mentioned Brody's name in all this. She was in denial, he guessed. He would need to tread carefully, be patient. The last thing had wanted was to trigger any kind of episode for her by rushing in and overwhelming her.
Carrie had brightened again by the time they reached Saul's house. He took a shower, tried to wash the charred corpses from his pores and found some fresh clothes that he had last worn before he had seen what he saw last night, wondering if they would fit him differently now. He felt changed, altered by the destruction he had seen up close, so much so that he expected it to register on his body somewhere. He looked himself over in the mirror and finally found it lurking in his eyes, little pin pricks of horror in his irises, tiny licks of vile smoke trapped between his laughter lines. He knew that it would stay with him forever.
He found Carrie busy in the kitchen when he came back downstairs. She was making some kind of salad, arranging it on a large plate, taking care to alternate the main ingredients according to their colour, strips of vegetable radiating out from the centre like the sweeping second hand on a clock face. Saul swiped a green bean as he walked past Carrie on his way to get some juice, exasperating her slightly. "Your fridge is way better stocked than mine.", Carrie observed.
Saul stood back and admired her work. "You've done well. But I should warn you that like me, some of those vegetables could be past their best.".
"Maybe. But it's still a step up from licking peanut butter from your ruler.", she replied with a smirk, "Let's eat.".
After, Saul had fallen asleep on the couch. Carrie covered him with a blanket, drew the curtains and removed his glasses, placing them tenderly on the coffee table. She sank down next to him, resting her head against his arm, keeping guard over him. Saul slept the sleep of the dead, his mind too tired to even dream. When he awoke a couple of hours later, he found that Carrie had dropped off too, her head so heavy on his shoulder that despite not wanting to wake her, he just had to shift position. She stirred and murmured, "Brody?", opening one eye.
"No, he's not here, Carrie. It's just you and I.", replied Saul, his voice husky from the fog of sleep.
Carrie looked startled, busted, waking herself up quickly to try to recall what she had just uttered, wondering whether it was anything incriminating or even just personal. She sat up and rubbed her face.
"Did you think I was him?", Saul asked, eager to capitalise now that she had finally said the B-word, even if it was unwittingly.
"Yeah maybe.", she ceded, "for a second I hoped he...". She trailed off and looked Saul in the eye.
"I won't take it personally.", he smiled, rubbing her back. "We do need to talk about what happened though, if you're ready?".
Carrie took a deep breath and looked over at her dearest friend apprehensively. She bit her lip. "I know we do.", she said.
"So.", he said. "How was Brody before the service? Where was he when it all went off?".
"He was fine. Cheerful, even. He just wanted to get the memorial over with, issue his statement about stepping down in the wake of Walden's death and move on. He just wanted to put it all behind him and start a new life, Saul.".
"He said he wanted that with you?", Saul asked. He saw her eyes grow watery and he hated himself but he needed to have this conversation, to make her cry if need be.
"Yes. And I wanted it too, you know that. But I was confused. After you and I had...words that morning...I still needed time to think. It wasn't an easy decision to make. We fought a little - Brody and I. I felt rushed, so we argued. I stormed off. To think. I ended up in your office.".
"And Brody?", Saul prompted.
"I...I don't know. I think he went back to the auditorium." At this, huge tears fell down her cheeks. Saul interpreted this as grief, he couldn't see that the real pain behind her tears was caused by her having to deceive him.
"We haven't found him yet, Carrie.", Saul whispered, as if by speaking quietly his words might hurt her less. "Could he have been in his car?". He winced.
"No. No he couldn't have been, Saul. I was looking out of the window, I saw the bomb go off. He wasn't there. I'd have seen him. He wasn't there, Saul. He didn't do this.". Carrie's eyes widened, imploring Saul to believe her.
"The C4 was in his car, Carrie, even if he wasn't. We'll know for sure soon.", Saul said gently.
"Brody parked out front. I saw him come in. Somebody moved his car, Saul. We need to find out who moved his car! They are trying to frame him.".
"Carrie. I know all this is hard to take in...".
"Why? Because I'm the smartest and the dumbest fucking person you know?!" Carrie was losing her temper, annoyed that he wasn't following her logic.
"Carrie.", Saul sighed, not wanting to fight again. "What about the video? Issued to the media within an hour of the attack. Isn't it there in black and white?".
"Yeah? Issued by who?", yelled Carrie.
"It was sent by email, the usual story, it went through multiple servers internationally, hijacked IP addresses. We have a guy on it, tracing the source.".
"We'll that wasn't Brody. He could barely work his fucking phone.", said Carrie. "Saul. I was with Brody all weekend. He didn't have the opportunity to get something like this together. He didn't have the inclination or the conviction either.".
"I'm figuring he had help. Maybe he didn't even know himself until the last minute. That's why I asked you how he was, if he was agitated. You said you fought. Could he have wanted to get you out of there? I'm sorry but it all points to him."
"No.", said Carrie, defiantly.
Saul didn't let up, he needed to try tough love. "He spent the weekend neutralising the biggest threat to the mission - you, he got the C4 onto site and I'm convinced we'll find that he pressed the button this time too.".
"So I was neutralised?! Is that what you just said?!.", she spat.
"Carrie, I'm not claiming that you didn't have real feelings for him. Or him for you, after a fashion. But he thought he had a higher calling. He was still that guy in the suicide vest.".
"Then you know absolutely nothing about him!". She glared at him for a number of seconds before shaking her head in fury, getting to her feet and making for the door, slamming it hard behind her like an enraged teenager.
Saul rubbed his beard roughly, aggravated beyond words. He thumped a cushion next to him on the couch. She was the smartest and the dumbest fucking person he knew. The most infuriating. He sighed. The most endearing and precious to him, too. This was going exactly the way he feared it would. He didn't know how he could have Carrie active on the investigation when she was this involved and this volatile but he couldn't see how he could stand her down either without her winding up back in the hospital.
Saul reached for his cell and dialled Maggie.