Chapter 8: Brian

Long, stupid day. Once again I was single and once again I was crushed. Sure, I deserved it. Don't I always deserve it? Okay, so supposedly I'm this great guy right? Wrong. I'm messed up. I'm damaged, worthless. I find a girl who likes me and I mess it up. First with Gigi and then again with Julia. I gain their trust and then I let them down. I'm all in and then I fuck up.

I decided to leave. Take off. I needed to make a name for myself somewhere else. Where my past can't catch up to me. But what am I to do with nowhere to go and no one to be with? I decide to just start walking. I decide to right the wrongs I've done, starting with Jared.

He and I had been friends for years. He was one of those obligation friends that you have because your parents want to hang out. But he was fine. That is, until I fucked up again.

It happened in sixth grade. I had been in the same science class with Jared. His grandmother had just passed away and he hadn't been in school for quite sometime. They had been really close.

So I get talking with this one girl who had basically been my girlfriend. It happened in 4th grade so I don't exactly count it as dating. Anyway, we were talking about Jared and how close he was with his nana. Well it turns out that Amelia, the school gossip, had heard us. She spread it all over school and everyone made fun of Jared. That's when he decided to shut us all out and change schools. He came back in 9th grade a completely changed person. A shell of who he once was, and of course he blamed it on me. And I take full responsibility, but ever since then he hasn't been able to trust me. I had to turn it all around, and with most people I did, but Jared would never forget.

Present time

My feet carry me to his familiar brick house. The neighborhood is quiet and the street lamps are on, flickering in the distance. My head is telling me to turn back, go home and stay home. But my feet take me to his gray door, poised and ready to ring the bell. Before I can talk myself out of it the bell is pressed and the door opens to a familiar face: Mrs. Cooney. Her eyes widen as she looks my way. "Hello Mrs. Cooney may I come in?" She composes herself enough to speak. "Why of course Brian, you know you're welcome here any time right?" "Thank you." "Honey, it's your friend Brian Bierl," she says, turning her head towards the kitchen. I sneak a peek at Jared, his withering stare making my eyes avert his figure almost as quickly as they'd found it. "Oh uh, Jared, you have some homework to finish right? Sorry Brian, but Jared has work to be done. But it was very nice seeing you. Come again some time." She lies through her teeth, slowly inching the door closed.

As impulsively as it started, it had ended, leaving me on their front porch with no forgiveness or winter coat to combat the chill in the air. I decide to head back home, to the comfort of my own bed and thoughts stirring in my mind.

I snatch the key from under the mat and push it into the dead bolt, unlocking the door as quickly as possible to escape the cold. I trudge upstairs and into my room, falling onto my unmade bed face-first and wondering what to do next. I guess I should keep going. I should right all the wrongs I've done and see to it that they are happy once again. At least that way I'll be able to look her in the eyes again without a pang of hurt and discomfort. At least that way we can both be happy and move onto bigger and better things. Maybe then I'll be able to live with my own, vile self.

That morning I wake with a sour taste in my mouth. One that I've not felt since I'd laid eyes on her, after she told me she loved me, without knowing that Julia had said that the night before. Without knowing that I was scum and that I had been keeping in vital information. Life altering information that would take me on a downward spiral.

The pounding in my head would not subside. My hands reached for me temples. I rubbed them in a circular motion as I lazily opened my drooping eyelids. I began getting out of bed, cracking my knuckles and heading for the door, shuffling my feet against the blue carpet and taking the spiral staircase as slowly as possible. I did not want this day to start.

I hesitantly made my way for the cabinet and grabbed a bowl, beginning to pour cereal into it. It was Monday and I was not ready to face another day of school. This year had been a rude awakening for me socially. Gee's friends as well as Julia's refused to talk to me and glared at me whenever I passed by in the halls. It was my fault. I got greedy and wanted everything. I wanted to feel important and needed. But at what cost? I threw away lifelong friendships for my own petty needs. I casually tossed aside two girls who meant the world to me. Two girls whom I was in charge of protecting. Not that they needed it though. They were self sufficient and got everything on their own. I guess that's why I loved them so much. Or love. I still adore both of those girls, but its my own damn fault that I feel so broken and empty inside. Its my fault that she's up in Toronto with all her new friends, and I'm here with the judgemental eyes of my "peers". I started this. And I can fix it, I hope.

Hello lovelies! How are you all. Such a strange end to my summer. So many unattainable cute boys *sigh*. Thank you all for your continued support and in not giving up on this story. I haven't had any time to write and its a real shame. But don't worry, I'm on it :)

P.S. Thank you to MOYNKI1599 for following my story. You have no idea how much that means to me :)

P.P.S. If you feel like leaving a little review and you're up to the challenge, leave me a prompt or an idea of which character I can write about next. I'm having some serious writers block these days.

Love you all,

Gioia