Author: Bloody Mary and Djibriel

{oOo}

"What fuck happened to HIM?" Lorgar managed to whimper out. "I mean he was crazy, but not that kind of crazy. It was Angron who was all KILL, KILL, KILL."

He was babbling. He knew he was.

"I have no idea and I don't want to know, but I'm just glad he's never figured out how to use a computer." Nefer hissed back. "Because the internet is full of porn."

"Uh... and that's bad how?" Lorgar asked. Last time he saw Fulgrim, he was pretty certain he was on the road to joining the followers of the Prince of Pleasure. That kind of meant not having an aversion to porn.

"...Today, he has an aversion to perverts the size of a very large mountain, and a desire to kill every single one that crosses his path." Nefer pointed out. "And almost everyone in this country is a pervert. That means the blood would fill rivers."

"...It seems we are missing some vital information here," Lorgar said, frowning. "And I'm quite certain he knows how to use a computer... Well, that means blood WILL fill rivers."

"...I knew I should have moved to Canada when I had the chance." Nefer said gloomily. "Quick, let's go, we've got to pack our bags before they find us."

That was when Lorgar came face to face with two sixteen-year-old girls. One was tall and thin, the other looked like she could punch through walls. They both looked vaguely familiar, though a closer inspection revealed no illusions.

Nefer took one look at them. Then he covered his face and tried very hard not to cry. "Goddamnit, they've multiplied again! WHY, Gods. WHY must you curse me with this shit?"

"STOP WHINING YOU PUSSY!" roared the bigger girl. "AT LEAST YOU'RE NOT A GIRL!"

The thin one rolled her eyes.

Sailor Fulgrim landed on Lorgar moments later, having followed the sound of yelling.

"Oh, please, a gender shift would be better than being considered bait for every goddamn daemonspawn and pervert in this country." Nefer hissed back and fled.

"Noooo!" howled Lorgar. "Heeeeelp!"

"Poor bastard." Nefer mourned quietly. "At least one of us is getting out of here alive."

Then he heard the scream.

He covered his face. Sighed. And went back

"Fulgrim! Hey! Someone put you in porn!" he yelled, strategically sacrificing his laptop. Then he dove for cover again.

Nefer is a kind and gentle person by nature. It's a pity he's so damn naive.

What followed was best described in terms of a nuclear explosion. There was incoherrent screaming, flying bits of laptop and whimpering from various other parties. It took a whole five minutes, when finally the bigger girl chose to simply hit Sailor Fulgrim with a bench.

"KILL THOSE WHO MADE IT," she rumbled. "NOT THE MACHINE."

"They're on 4-Kun!" Nefer yelled. Then he went to hide in another bush.

"Must remember, if. IF I ever get the chance to live long enough to marry and have kids. Must plant lots of shrubbery," he muttered to himself.

"Shrubbery is the key to long life among these whackos. No, wait. Moving to Canada."

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?" mused the bigger girl. The thin one shrugged.

"I'm a civilian and you are all INSANE." Nefer snapped. "That's what's wrong. Since I met the big bald one, I have been molested, nearly raped, nearly fried, nearly murdered in over twenty ways and it's not even the goddamn end of the month yet, that's what's wrong!"

"PSH, I DIED ONCE," the big girl rumbled. "AND SO DID MORTARION."

"And I hadn't said a word to you," Mortarion added. "I don't see why you have to call me insane."

"Yes well, you have superpowers, and I don't." Nefer hissed. "I only have one life and I'd like to live to reach 90."

As for the skinny 'girl'... "You're a MAN. In a SKIRT." he clarified. "The problem with having the Sight is you see things that are really there. So when I look at you, I see a big man. In a skirt."

Mortarion's eye twitched. "I was a man in my previous life. Now. I'm. Just. Flat. Don't. Remind. Me."

Angron sniggered.

"...Why am I always surrounded by the crazies?" Nefer muttered.

Horus tried not to hide a smile. "The civilian looks more girlish than you. Trust me on it."

Nefer covered his face with his hand. "Oh great. Not again."

"HORUS! I WANT A REMATCH!" Angron roared.

"Oh God." Nefer prayed fervently. "If you exist, please make them fight somewhere else?"

"Where we come from there's four of them," Mortarion said conversationally. "They're all jerks."

Angron, meanwhile, followed his own suggestion and charged at Horus.

"There is no god, this is the Imperial truth." Horus rumbled pointedly looking at Nefer. "I have told you this, many times."

Then he punched Angron.

And Nefer went looking for another bush, coming across poor Lorgar once more. Poor bastard looked like he'd been beaten to a pulp.

"I hate my life," he managed to whimper out.

"I do too." Nefer told him sympathetically. Then he called the equivalent of 911. "Operator? I have an… injured person here. Yeah. It's me. What? No I don't think he has insurance..."

{oOo}