Chapter Nine – You Know Not What You Do
When she woke up the next morning, she was practically floating. Dan, in a freakish act of benevolence, had offered her a day off and she didn't even have to pull an all-nighter to get it this time. One entire Sunday to do with as she pleased. Of course, as she pleased was with Nathan, and she was pleasantly surprised when he agreed to a date. He offered to do the planning, which was great for her, but it left her with too much time to fret and worry over how things would play out on this date.
And that's why she was getting ready to rain fire and brimstone upon herself by flopping down next to a sleeping Brooke. Who barely stirred. Reaching out, Haley poked her on the arm, loudly whispering her name. "Brooke! Wake up!" When her roommate failed to respond that, Haley heaved out a sigh before trying again without the whispering this time. "WAKE UP, BROOKE!"
"I'm up!" Brooke yelled in startled response, frantically moving her head from side to side. It's not like she could see anything with her sleep mask on. "Oh, is there a fire?" Haley stared at her, glancing around. "Okay, no fire. Then do you know what time it is?"
"Well, yeah, of course I know what time it is," Haley answered, sighing. She knew where this was going, and she really didn't want to take the time to go there. "Do you know what time it is?"
Brooke glared at her through the mask. She could feel the glare. "So you know what time it is. Well, do you know what day it is? Because by my calendar, it's Sunday. And on Sundays, it doesn't matter what time it is. If Brooke is sleeping on a Sunday, you let Brooke sleep! If she's sleeping at nine, let her sleep. Noon? Let her keep sleeping! Four in the damn afternoon?"
"Yeah, yeah, let her sleep. And since when did you start sounding like Joey from 'Friends'?" Haley rolled her eyes. "I know you want to sleep, but Brooke I need your help. Your very, very genius help."
"No, it's Sunday, Haley! We don't think or help or move on Sundays! Go to work already," she groused, sitting up suddenly, pulling off the sleep mask. "Ooh, are you ready to tell me where you're working?"
Haley rolled her eyes. "No, I'm not telling you where I'm working," she sighed. "It's not a big deal. Look, I have the day off, and I need advice on how to act with Nathan tonight."
Pointedly pulling the sleep mask back down, Brooke fell back into her pillows. "Give him a blow job. That'll solve all your problems, I'm sure."
Sighing, Haley climbed off the bed. "Yeah, fine, thanks for nothing," she grumbled, stomping out of the room. She knew it was childish, but she took some delight in slamming the door as loudly as she could behind her, earning an incoherent shout from Brooke.
"Damn it," she muttered aloud, "Now what am I going to do?"
When Nathan had called her yesterday to iron out their plans, she'd actually done a giddy little dance at that, twirling around in circles in the show room of the dealership. To her surprise, Dan had watched her with nothing visible beside amusement on his face. That was…creepy, to say the least.
But for once, he didn't look appalled or horrified or even irritated that she and Nathan would be spending time together. He even managed to refrain from making any belittling remarks, which was probably considered a minor miracle. That was probably the biggest shock of all – he didn't say anything.
She'd take it, though; even if it did creep her out terribly. Maybe at some point he'd drop his mission to get her out of Nathan's life altogether.
Yeah, and maybe he'd wear a pink tutu and scary, butch combat boots, too.
Okay, so it wasn't likely, but it gave her a little bit to work with, and she liked that. So the next time she saw him all vulnerable, which was weird in and of itself, or worried about one of the boys, she could remember this. She could remember this, and maybe she'd be able to help him if his quest is sincere.
So. Damn. Weird.
Pushing all thoughts of Dan out of her head, she set herself to worrying about how things would go tonight. Maybe she shouldn't be nervous like this, nearly a wreck, but this was a big deal for her. Huge, even.
When the doorbell rang, she instinctively let out a happy squeal and jumped up to runs for the door. Realizing belatedly how desperate that makes her seem, she paused. "Oh, hell," she moaned, leaning against the door that she knew he's standing behind. Probably hearing each dumb thing she did and said to herself. Fantastic.
Resigned to looking like a jerk, she pushed away from the wall she'd leaned on and went to answer the door. He was standing there, smiling in a way that had her forgetting everything else as she smiled back at him. She motioned him inside, but he shook his head.
"I – it's too weird," he said quietly, referring to the fact that this was once their place, not Brooke's with her as a roommate.
A lump filled her throat, but she nodded in understanding. "Yeah, let me just grab my coat. I can meet you down at the car?"
He nodded, smiling in relief that she didn't push it. "Okay, sounds good."
He pulled the door shut behind him, and as he walked off, she had to grip the back of the couch. He built her up and tore her down in a second, with seemingly little thought. God, how that hurt. It wasn't even something he was doing deliberately, but oddly enough, that didn't soothe her at all.
After she grabbed her jacket, she hurried out the door, running into his chest as she turned after locking the deadbolt. She blinked up at him in confusion, a smile creeping over her face when his arms came around her to steady her. "I thought you were waiting at the car."
"I – I was going to," he agreed, looking around warily, glancing up at the number across the door to their former domicile. "But I didn't want to wait."
In an instant, blinding, choking fear had her throat closing and tingles of panic shooting down her arms into her fingers. "You haven't changed your mind about today, have you?" she choked out, terrified of his answer.
"What? No, of course not," he assured her, watching her carefully. "I just meant I didn't want to wait for you. I – I want to be with you."
"Oh," was her genius response, which had her inwardly cringing. "Sorry, I suppose panic is really unbecoming, huh?"
He was silent, and she could tell that she had made him uncomfortable. "It's not that, it's just, I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it, Hales."
She nodded, knowing that she was the one who was supposed to be making things easy for him, and she was choking. Blowing it. Doing all the wrong things in all the wrong ways. "Right, well, you don't have to do anything with it. Let's just start this date over. Well, presuming, of course, I haven't completely blown it, I guess."
"Of course you haven't," he told her, a little more comfortable as she calmed down. "I'm not quite that easy to scare off."
"Thank God for that," she laughed wryly to herself, turning to lock the door behind her. "So, I asked Brooke for advice, can you believe that? What she offered involved sexual favors. A shock, yeah?"
He laughed at that, "I'd like to say that surprises me, but somehow, it really doesn't."
She blushed when her stomach growled, shrugging apologetically. "I don't suppose our plans include food, huh? It's lame to admit this, but I was too nervous to eat! And no teasing!"
"Why not?" he laughed some more. "It's fun, cut me a little slack. After all, I've got lots of teasing time to make up for, right?"
It stunned her that he felt that way, that making up for time lost was even something he'd been thinking about in a broad sense. "So that means I have to just sit back and take it?" she mused, tapping her fingers on her chin. "Hmm, I don't know how I feel about that, Nathan."
"Who said anything about taking it? The Haley Scott that I know wouldn't just sit back and take anything. She'd give as good as she got."
It took all her willpower not to throw her arms around his neck and wrap her legs around his waist in an embrace so tight that it'd take the jaws of life to pry them apart as he opened the car door for her. Somehow she managed to keep it together. But he just called her Haley Scott. That had to mean something, it absolutely had to. He hadn't applied that name to her in so, so long, and it's rather obvious to her that he was oblivious to having done it now. That didn't take away from it, though. She really did believe that the unconscious slips meant a lot more than anything else.
At least he still thought of her as a Scott subconsciously. And even though it wouldn't do her any good until he acknowledged it consciously, she knew it meant something. It had to mean something, if not everything. Really, this was what she's wanted, the only thing she had really wanted from him since she came back. Since before that, really. Since they married and said those vows promising to love each other forever. She'd wanted him to think of her as his family. And maybe she had that back now. At the very least, maybe she was getting closer.
"So, where are we going?" Haley asked, mostly to break the quiet that has fallen between them as he drove them out of town.
"Maybe that's a surprise," Nathan retorted coyly, glancing over to wink at her before his face fell a bit. "You know, it really isn't all that exciting. I don't know why I'm so dumb that I'd build it up to something it isn't. That it won't live up to."
Blinking in surprise, she reached over to grab his hand. "Nathan, I just want to be with you. That's all. I don't care where we go or what we do as long as I get to spend some time with you. That is honestly so all that matters to me. Being with you is the only thing I care about." She paused, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. "Honestly, Nathan, as long as we are somewhere that we can talk and laugh and just be with each other, then it's great. Better than great, all things considered."
He was the one who looked slightly surprised now, caught a touch off-guard by her quiet fervency. "Yeah," he nodded, managing a small smile for her. "I guess I just want things to go well tonight. I – this is important to me, Hales."
"Oh, Nathan, it's important to me, too. This is the most important thing to me, actually." Smiling widely as she gained a little confidence, Haley raised his hand to her mouth, brushing her lips over his knuckles. Her action elicited a surprised yet pleased grin from him. "I have an evening off of work that is free of homework, and I get to spend it with you."
"And that's enough?"
"More than enough," she assured him immediately. "Not to sound completely, hopelessly desperate or pathetic, but this is the most important thing to me, being able to spend time with you. It wouldn't matter to me if we just drove around in circles all night if we did it together."
He smiled at her even though he felt a bit at a loss over her fervency. That it was so easy for her to declare these personal, private things so easily was yet another thing that threw him off balance. He had the hardest time sharing those pieces of himself, and that had only become more pronounced since Haley left and more so since her return. He didn't exactly blame her for his inability to trust and be open since his parents clearly screwed him up in myriad ways, but her leaving had undone all the progress she'd helped him make. Maybe it wasn't fair to her, but there was a part of him that held it against her.
"How do you do it?" he asked quietly, glancing sideways to catch her brow furrowing in confusion. "How can you just say those things like none of the bad stuff ever happened? I don't get it, Haley."
Whatever she expected him to say, it definitely wasn't that. It…hurt, like it always did when her mistakes are thrown into her face, and she wasn't sure how she was supposed to answer this. "I don't know what else to say," she admitted quietly. "I guess I just tell the truth about my feelings because it's too hard to lie. I don't know, Nathan. I've always been like this."
He nodded, focusing his gaze on the road. "Well, I'm not. Like that, I mean. I never really was, and I doubt I ever will be."
"Pull over," she ordered quietly, ignoring the beginnings of the protest that was forming on his lips. "I mean it, Nathan, pull over now." Even though he was worried she's planning on getting out here on the highway and hitching back to Tree Hill, he complied. "Thank you," she said softly as the car slowed to a stop.
"Why'd we stop?" he asked after setting the brake. "If you think I'm letting you out of this car, you have another thing coming."
"Get out?" she repeated, her nose crinkling up as she glanced out the window. "I don't want out, Nathan. I don't want out of anything with you – this car, our marriage, nothing."
After a moment, he nodded. "Then why did we stop?" he asked again.
"Because you need to hear something, and I want you completely focused on me when I say it," she explained softly. He shrugged, but turned to face her. "Stop selling yourself short. You are capable of anything, Nathan. You are so warm and smart and you are good at so many things that you don't give yourself credit for."
"You're just saying that," he retorted, fighting against the smile that threatened to take over his face as he put the car back into drive and eased back onto the road.
"And now you are just fishing for compliments," she returned, grinning in spite of herself. "Nathan, don't let what anyone has done to you – your mother, your father…me – make you feel incapable of anything."
She knew him so well right down to his exact thought sometimes and there was definitely a part of him that bristled at that. There was another part of him, though, that had learned to appreciate it. That was the same part of him that knew all those same things about her, no matter how much he sometimes wished he didn't. That much was easy for her to see.
Nathan nodded, but she could still read the doubt in his eyes. "I'm not so good at it, though. I never really say what I feel, you know? I hold back a lot, but you never do."
"If this has been you holding back," she began softly, smiling wryly to herself, "Then I'd hate to see you let loose."
He frowned, uncomprehending. "What do you mean?"
Sighing at his seemingly very male lack of self-awareness, Haley realized that this might be a subject to tread lightly over for now. "Well, I guess that it doesn't seem like you've held back much with me, at least in terms of letting me know how angry you are with me. I'm not saying that it is wrong or bad; I guess it's just that if this has been you holding back, imagining what you really feel is not pleasant."
Letting that sink in, and perhaps just a little unwilling to see whatever truths appeared in his eyes, she turned to look out the window. He didn't say anything right away, something that only served to validate her fears. She questioned her sanity and stupidity in even bringing this subject up.
"I don't – I mean, I shouldn't have been such a jerk about it, I guess. You're right; I wasn't holding back in that. In fact, it's easier to express those kinds of negative emotions, and I think you got the brunt of my anger and I ended up taking a lot more out on you than was fair, but…."
"I was an easy target," she finished for him, finally daring to look his way again. "Besides, I deserved what you gave me, Nathan. Actions have consequences, and I had to deal with those that mine brought about."
"Still, Hales. You took a lot more from me than you should have. I – I guess I'm mad at a lot of people, but you hurt me, and I guess that made it easy to direct all of my anger and whatever your way. That isn't fair," he noted sincerely. "I am sorry that you got all the extra stuff, too."
Trying not to be the sap that let her emotions get the best of her, she managed to give him a small smile. "Thanks, Nathan," she said sincerely, her voice soft as she gazed at her husband. "You can't know how much that means to me."
He smiled back at her as the car again slowed, pulling off into an empty parking lot. "I'm glad," he grinned. "I'm glad we're doing this, too. The date thing, I mean, and everything else. I – I've missed you."
With that simple declaration out there, he opened his door and climbed out of the car before she even had time to exhibit even the simplest of reactions. Sighing at the frustration of the 'one step forward, two back' dance they seemed to be doing, she pasted on a smile and followed, getting out of the car. Pausing to look around and realize where they are, her mouth fell open in surprise.
"We're at the beach?" she asked, pulling her jacket tighter around her. There was nothing here but beach, so it was easy to figure it as their destination. It was cold and a little windy, and she was just not too sure why he thought this would be a good place to go for their date.
"Yeah, well, I thought it was kind of romantic," he shrugged, watching her closely for a reaction.
Despite that she can already feel the chill seeping into her body, she flashed him a wide smile and nodded in what she hoped was an enthusiastic manner. "Oh, it is," she agreed. And it really was romantic. How could it not be, right? Her semi-estranged husband had planned a – well, a something – for them on a secluded, moonlit beach. If that wasn't romantic, she figured the word needed a serious redefining.
It was just also very, very cold. And shivering? Kind of unromantic. But she was willing to shiver her butt off and make the best of it if that's what he wanted.
After he grabbed a few things out of the trunk of the car, she smiled at him as he moved around the car to where she stood. Offering her his arm, he grinned back at her. "Well, let's go."
"What do you have there?' she asked, trying to peer around him to get a glimpse of what he had tucked under his arm.
"Hey now," he laughed, shielding it from her view with his body. "You'll just have to wait and see, Miss Impatient."
"I am not impatient," she protested with a laugh. "I'm just naturally curious, that's all. Is that such a bad thing?"
Unlinking their arms, he then wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her into his side. "C'mon. What I've got isn't much worth getting excited over," he warned her as she lays her head on his shoulder. "Why don't you pick the spot where we set up camp?"
Her eyebrows lifted at his choice of words. "Camp? Nathan, we aren't actually camping, right? That was a figure of speech?" She glanced up at him, sighing at his implacable expression. "It isn't that I don't want to camp with you, but it's kind of cold out here."
His face broke out into a grin when she started to look nervous. "Of course we aren't camping, Hales. I think that I'm even less into that idea than you are."
"Oh, thank God," she breathed out in obvious relief. "You had me worried there for a second. It is seriously freezing out here."
"Well, here Whiny," he teased, tossing her the thick fleece blanket he had tucked under his arm. "I did plan ahead a tiny bit."
"You did," she agreed as she wrapped the blanket around her. He held part of it up for her so it didn't drag through the sand. "This is nice. I can't tell you how glad I am to do something that is just us, just you and me with no one else around." She stopped walking, looking around. "This looks nice. Let's stop here."
He nodded his agreement, watching as she settled down on the cool sand leaning back against a log washed ashore by the tide. Following suit, he dropped down next to her setting the small picnic basket he'd brought in between them. "I brought some food. You know, if you're hungry."
"I could eat," she smiled, relief that they'd gotten past the initial awkwardness of the evening coursing through her veins. She hadn't really admitted it to even herself, but she'd been worried that this 'date' would be awkward and/or uncomfortable after all that had happened between them. It hadn't, though, and for that she was immensely grateful.
"Good thing," he grinned. "I brought a basket of food."
She leaned forward, resting her chin on her knees. "This is all really wonderful, Nathan. I can't even tell you much I love this, how glad I am we're out here tonight."
He was quiet for a moment as he dug through the picnic basket. After what felt like an eternity to her, he finally looked up and smiled. "Yeah, I am, too, Hales, and you're right that it's nice that it's just us tonight. It seems like you're so busy these days with work and cheer and Luke that I never get to see you."
"Well, I guess we'll just have to make time for us, huh?" she suggested, shifting nervously as the feeling of dread associated with her job formed like a knot in her belly.
"I think that's in order," he nodded, handing her a bag of apple slices. Eyeing her curiously, he asked, "Are you ever going to tell me about this job of yours? Seems like I've been waiting forever."
"I – I – " she begdn, faltering immediately. When his face started to close off at her reluctance, she reacted immediately. "Yes!" she blurt out unthinking. "Yes, someday I'll tell you everything. It's just that I can't, not right now. I promised, and if I break that promise, then…then things could happen that I refuse to let happen."
His eyebrows shot up, but she could swear that she saw a hint of bemusement mixed in with the frustration over her lack of an answer. "That doesn't even make sense, Hales. You aren't in some kind of trouble, are you?"
Closing her eyes against the disappointed look on his face, she nodded her acknowledgement. "Yes, to the first part, no to the second. I'm not in trouble. I swear. And I know this all sounds crazy and that it doesn't make sense, and I wish I could tell you. Honestly, you have no idea how much I want to tell you about everything. It's even fair to say that a huge part of me needs for you to know, but…"
"You can't," he sighed, reaching out to take her hand. "I – I know that I haven't been a very good one lately, but I am your husband, Haley. You should be able to tell me everything."
"I know I should," she whispered, looking him in the eye. "The thing is, I would, too. I know you have no reason to believe me, but if I hadn't promised, well, I can't. I'm not doing this to hurt you."
Reluctantly, he nodded. "Yeah, I know that. I guess maybe I'm just jealous that you're willing to keep a secret from me on someone else's behalf."
"If you believe me about nothing else," she began in earnest, squeezing his hand tightly, "Then believe that there is nothing to be jealous of, and that there never has been. In fact, this is quite the opposite."
"Okay, I believe you," he finally smiled, startling a squeal out of her when he reached out and pulled her onto his lap. "That's better."
"I couldn't agree more," she smiled, twisting so she could wrap her arms around him. They sat there in silence for a few minutes, too wrapped up in and around each other to bother with words.
The quiet between them wasn't quite as easy for him as it was for her. In fact, all of it was hard because he didn't know what he was supposed to do or how he was supposed to act or even how he should feel. He knew that it wasn't this hard for other people, and that despite what Haley said on the way here, it made him feel wrong in some fundamental way. No matter how good and wonderful she seemed to think he was, there was no denying the fact that emotionally, he was crippled at best.
Somehow, by some Karmic miracle, Haley either didn't notice or didn't care. Whatever damage his alternately neglectful and completely overbearing parents inflicted on him didn't seem to phase her much at all. That was both amazing and scary as hell, for some reason. It bothered him that she could be so okay with him and his shortcomings when he himself had not managed the same.
"How're things with your parents?" she asked, her voice soft enough that it almost seemed to blend in with the waves.
"The usual," he shrugged, his body losing some of its tension when she found his hand again, lacing their fingers together. "Apparently part of Dad granting Mom the divorce is that I have to spend time with him. Mom is enforcing that because it is to her benefit. Nice, huh? They're both such selfish assholes that they're willing to force me into something like that."
"I'm sorry," she sighed, her voice muffled against his chest. "Maybe it won't be as terrible as you are imagining it will be."
He snorted at that suggestion. "Oh, please, Hales. It already is. Besides, when was the last time that things weren't terrible when it came to my parents, my father in particular? The decent side of my father is like Halley's Comet – you only see it every 75 or 76 years."
Unable to help herself, she had to laugh at that. "I know it is rare that Dan exhibits signs of decency, but it is obvious he loves you. As much as it pains me to admit it, if I had to bet on the matter, that's where I'd put my money. He's just so extraordinarily warped in terms of how he shows it. To both you and Luke."
Nathan smiled slightly, and Haley leaned back to look up at him. "Hales, as bad as he's been to me, he's been about a million times worse to Luke. If he's shown very little love for me, what's he shown to Luke? Not much aside from contempt and disdain."
"Okay, you're not wrong," she allowed. "Then maybe it isn't in his actions. Maybe what I'm seeing is in how he looks at you both when he thinks no one else is paying attention." She paused, looking out at the water. "I'm not saying that it makes the way he treats either of you okay – actually, it makes it worse on some levels – but I do believe he loves you both."
"That does make it worse," Nathan noted, tightening his hold on her as she settled down with her back to his front. "I don't know, though. I have a real hard time believing that he cares at all beyond living vicariously through us for basketball."
"I wish he was better to you. To Luke, too. You both deserve so much better, Nathan," she murmured.
Almost absently, he pressed a lingering kiss to her cheek. "So, anyway. My mom is talking about selling the house and finding something more size appropriate. Can you believe that?"
She shook her head slightly. "That'd be weird," she agreed, relaxing into him. "And your dad is okay with that? That might be the weirdest part of it all."
He shrugged as he willed himself not to be freaked out by how fast everything in his life seemed to be changing. Life was whirling around him, and it was all he could do to avoid getting hit by the pieces – some broken, some just cracked – twisting in the turmoil.
"Do you miss Lydia and Jimmy?" he asked, diverting the subject slightly to a matter that he was more capable of dealing with. He'd much rather comfort Haley than feel like he needed to be receiving comfort.
"Of course," she sighed, smiling to herself at his obvious ploy. "Sometimes more than others. But they aren't what – or who – I miss most. That's us. You. I miss you most of all."
"Hales," he sighed, unsure of what to say.
She cut off his response as she stood up, turning to look down at him. "No, you don't have to say or do anything," she told him sincerely. "Look, Nathan, you know how I feel, so maybe I shouldn't need to express it, but I do. You don't have to reciprocate and I really hope you don't tell me the opposite, but I want you to hear it."
Staring up at her, he again marveled at her ability to just come out and say what she felt, regardless of the risk. "Thanks. I – just…thanks."
The smile she beamed down at him was a little sad, and he knew it hurt her that he couldn't give her more, but there was also understanding in it. That was what gave him hope and strength. That was what prompted him to reach out and grab her by the hips so he could pull her down to him. She didn't resist, and they both quickly lost track of time as they held each other and stared out at the inky darkness of the water.