Note: This story is starting to explode a little bit. The next few chapters will be bumpy emotional rides. Buckle up!
Chapter Eleven – The Center Could Not Hold
Maybe she should have worried. At least a little.
It didn't take long (not longer than it took to get to the end of the parking lot of the apartment complex before she started to think that this was not such a good idea. Walking (fine, storming) out of the place that sheltered you was probably not a great idea, but at least it wasn't her name on the lease. It probably would turn out fine, eventually, but thinking these things through would probably go a lot further in terms of growth and maturity.
She just didn't know what to do now. Showing up at Luke and Karen's house seemed a lot less prudent now than it had when she had angrily stuffed her things into the duffel bag. It was obvious that she'd gotten herself into a stupid situation, but the funny thing was, she had no desire to take it back. It had been a mistake to think that things could work out living with Brooke in the same apartment she had shared with Nathan. It was weird on too many levels, and the only good part was that it should be a fairly easy mistake to fix.
She was sort of stuck now anyway, though. Karen was out of town for the weekend to visit her sister upstate, and Luke had gone off to parts unknown (to her, anyway) with the river court gang for a ritualistic male bonding camping thing. She had a key to their house and instructions to use it when necessary, but she'd left that in her desk at the dealership.
It was stupid of her to dump a few of the things she'd deemed non-essential into her desk there just because her damn purse was getting hard to shut. Unfortunately, seeing as the hour was growing late, she was going to have to be reliant on Dan to even have a hope of getting the key tonight. She was going to have to call him and request he let her in to retrieve the key. Oh, hell, who was she kidding? This wasn't about requesting; no, it would be about begging.
Groaning, she pulled out her phone and scrolled through to find Dan's cell. He'd still been at the dealership when she'd left a couple of hours ago, and knowing the hours he had been spending there lately, it wasn't completely outrageous to hope he'd still be there now. If that was the case, the only thing she'd need would be a ride there. Then this whole thing wouldn't be such a big deal, but she was ride-less at the moment, so there was that.
He answered after only a couple of rings with a rather cordial 'hello'. She was tempted to hang up on him, but since her number obviously showed up on his caller ID, she had to concede that would be even stupider than asking him for a favor.
"Um, hi Dan, this is Haley," she greeted awkwardly.
"Haley, what can I do for you?" he asked evenly. If he was surprised to hear from her, he was doing a good job of keeping that to himself. "Is everything okay?"
"Yes. Well, no, actually it isn't. Um, well, see, the thing is, I need a favor." She felt so ridiculous calling Dan of all people and fumbling her way through the conversation like a moron. Unfortunately, there was no help for that. "I left something in my desk at the dealership, and it is kind of imperative that I have it right now. If you're still there, would you mind waiting for me to get there so I can grab them?"
He cleared his throat before answering. "I'm still here," he confirmed. "I can wait for you to get here, if you would like. Where are you? If it would be easier, I could drop whatever you need off."
She paused as she tried to digest her surprise at the offer. "I'm just leaving my place actually," she sighed, which isn't technically a lie considering she's barely made it out of the parking lot of the apartment complex. Well, the 'my place' was a lie now. "I'm walking, so it might take awhile for me to get there."
"Okay, why don't I just come get you?" he suggested pragmatically. "I'll pick you up, you can get whatever it is you need here, and I can drop you off wherever you need to go on my way home. It would actually be good for me, since it would give me a reason to pack it in for the night and head home."
Put like that, there really wasn't any reason she could give to refuse. Nor did she care to, all things considered. She supposed she was just that desperate. "Well, okay, thanks. I'd really appreciate a ride."
They worked out the details, and as he hung up the phone, Dan couldn't help but shake his head and marvel at how much things have changed in just a couple of months. Even three weeks ago he doubted he would've offered something like this, and he knew without a doubt that she would've refused.
He wasn't sure what to credit this change to. Was it because she was beginning to trust him? Was it because Luke and Karen were letting him into their lives more and more? Did it have something to do with Nathan? In the end, it didn't really matter what the reasons were and he knew he shouldn't dwell on it. Still, it was a bit funny to get along somewhat with this girl now when five months ago she wouldn't have asked him for water if she were on fire.
All thoughts of past tumult flee when he spotted her standing on the side of the road, obviously distressed as she fiddled with the strap of the large duffel bag sitting on the ground in front of her. Confused, he managed to keep his mouth shut as she climbed into the car, awkwardly trying to hold the bag on her lap. Finding his voice, he cleared his throat.
"You're welcome to use the backseat or the trunk," he offered, not unkindly or even pointedly. Not bad at all, for him.
She glanced up, almost looking startled by the sound of his voice. She gave him a tight smile as she nodded her agreement. "I suppose that would make sense." After she'd put her bag into the backseat, she looked over at him. "Thanks for picking me up. I – I really do appreciate it."
He nodded back at her, his eyes on the road as he pulls the car out onto the road. "Really, it's no problem. You should consider getting a little car for getting around. I know Tree Hill isn't the big city, but I don't think it is a good idea for you to be wandering around out here at night. We'll have the guys at the dealership watch for something suitable in the trade-ins that come through."
In spite of herself, she laughed a little at that. "And yet, some might say that I've just accepted a ride with Tree Hill's very own bogeyman," she throws back at him. "Besides, I'm a high school student in a small town. I can probably survive without a car."
"Probably more than some would say that about me," he agreed, smirking a little at her words.
"Anyway, a car isn't really in my budget right now, and I usually get around just fine. It's just that there's no one around to give me a ride tonight, unfortunately."
He sighed in realization. "So, Nathan is still being pigheaded and childish about everything, I take it."
To his surprise – and most likely hers as well – she gave him a small smile at that. "No one's going to say that he didn't come by it honestly, though."
The blunt assessment, or brutal honesty as he might term it, didn't enrage him as it would have not too long ago. Instead, he just nodded his agreement. "Well, there's certainly more hope for Nathan than there was for me, but if I can come to a point where I start getting things, I think Nathan will get there sooner rather than later."
"I – well, I hope so," she managed to get out – just barely. Dan's forthrightness still had the power to knock her senses loose, and this was no exception.
"So," he began, changing the subject as he sensed the current topic getting a little too weird for both of them, "Is everything alright? I know that it isn't any of my business, but if you're in trouble there are probably things I can do to help."
"Can you make my parents move back here so I have people to stay with that might want me with them without totally imposing?" she snapped before she could think better of it. "I'm…sorry, I didn't mean that. I don't know what I mean."
He barely spared her a glance as he maneuvered the car through the quiet streets. When he does, it was without any of the venom she had almost been anticipating. "Things aren't going well with Brooke then?"
Her lips twisted in a sad impersonation of a smile. "No, things with Brooke definitely are not going well. It was probably never a good idea that I stay there with her. Now it seems so obvious that it was stupid and pointless, but at the time it seemed like a good idea. Or maybe I was more desperate than I even realized."
"I suppose you don't really want to hear this from me, but you've never struck as being particularly desperate," he offered. "You might not have come back to the best situation possible, but you weren't desperate."
She actually laughed a little at that. "It's weird, but that helps. Thank you."
He couldn't cover his surprise at that admission. The gratitude was undoubtedly even more shocking to him, but he managed to acknowledge it with a slight inclination of his head. "You're welcome. I have to admit, I was fairly positive that you'd bite my head off for offering an opinion like that."
"Well, maybe most of the time I would, but I think I needed to hear it right now," she conceded with a sigh. It was hard that he was being so decent to her most of the time when her husband was being quite the opposite. It was frustrating and disconcerting, but in some ways, she appreciated what he was doing for her. Sure, their relationship was based on mutually assured destruction via blackmail, but it was becoming more stable than most of the other things she had going on.
"You know, Nathan will come around for you," Dan said quietly. "Again, not my business and frankly this is probably something we shouldn't talk about, but he will."
It actually helped her that he said that. She wasn't positive that he was right, but it gave her a little something to hold onto when she needed it. With the way things had been going lately, she definitely needed it. Since the scene in the café, Nathan had been stonewalling her at her school and not responding to her calls or texts. Even though she had anticipated it to some extent, it didn't really lesson the blow.
She shrugged. "Well, thanks. I'm not entirely sure if he will come around, but I do hope you're right. I – I never meant to hurt him."
Dan glanced sideways at her, nodding slightly. "Frankly, that's kind of obvious."
"To everyone but Nathan," Haley snorted, shaking her head.
He sighed. "Even though it was clearly unintentional, you did hurt him. And he's just protecting himself now, and for Nathan, that means taking the easy way out. Don't let him; he needs you to keep him from doing that to himself. He'd regret it forever."
To say she was shocked by his words would be the understatement of her lifetime. She was fairly sure that if she'd been standing, he could have knocked her over with a feather. She was just that shocked.
"Is – are you messing with me?" she asked tiredly. Both noticed that there wasn't much suspicion behind the mild accusation.
"No, I'm not," he shrugged, letting out a little laugh. "Honestly, you're good for Nathan. You've been able to get through to him in ways that I've never seen him let anyone do before, including his mother and I. That's – well, I admire that."
She sank back into her seat, perhaps in mild shock. This was all so unexpected. Sure, she knew full well of the effort he was making with her boys, but she never in a million years thought that he might come around for her. Never. She wasn't complaining, exactly, but the whole situation was weird enough that it was throwing her for some seriously huge loops.
He glanced over at her, outright chuckling this time. "If it would make you feel better, I can go back to taunting and torturing you over every little thing possible."
She had to laugh at that. "No, I think I can live with that, thanks," she muttered sarcastically. "Both Nathan and Luke are hugely important to me, Dan. I think you know that, and I think you appreciate it because their importance in your life is equal but different to what it is in mine."
"They don't know that about me yet, though. That's what is hard for me to see someone else have with them. And you have that, in spades."
"I love both of them," she said honestly. "Lucas has been my best friend practically longer than I can remember, and Nathan, he's – everything. I don't even know what I'd do without them, and that's why all of this is so scary to me."
"It's obvious that you love them, but Haley, it's obvious they both love you, too. I told Lucas the other night that the reason, well, besides the obvious parental objections, that I've been so resistant to you is that I'm jealous. You – it's so easy for you with both of them, and I hate that I don't have that. I don't even have anything close to that with either of them, and it's easy to be resentful over that."
She honestly did not know how to address that. So much of it, maybe all of it, was his fault. Sure there was some stubbornness on the part of her boys, but that was pretty much justified in every way possible, at least to her mind. that wasn't to say she didn't empathize with Dan now that he was making the effort and coming from a seemingly good place, but the fact of the matter was that this was new. This was not the way things had always been, and she couldn't blame Lucas or Nathan for being cautious, hesitant or downright distrustful.
Both of the young men in question were without doubt stubborn and bullish, but Luke was already starting to come around. That didn't surprise her at all considering how easy most of his relationships were, excepting his ridiculous ability to entangle himself in the stupidest romances she had ever seen. Nathan was more difficult. Things with him were rarely easy, and things between him and Dan had always been a challenge. In fact, she knew that their relationship was one of the easiest he'd ever had until she had blown it by leaving town to pursue the fleeting dream of musical stardom.
"If it makes you feel better, I think you and I are pretty much on the same level in Nathan's eyes," she offered with a sigh.
"You aren't going to tell me everything between me and my sons is entirely my fault?" he asked, surprised by that omission.
She shrugged, turning her gaze out the window of the car. "Would I be telling you anything you didn't already know? Look, Dan, I don't think you should be jealous of my relationship with either of them. Because my relationships with them are different, and neither a wife nor a best friend takes anything away from a father-son relationship. That being said, I can see where it would be frustrating for you."
"It's hard now, trying to change how I deal with them. No, how I relate to them. With Nathan, I've always just pushed him so hard to succeed in the areas that I couldn't. With Lucas, I spent so long pushing him out of my life that…well, it's like I told Karen, even though it is what I want, I can't believe he is willing to spend time with me."
She had to smile at that as they pulled into the dealership parking lot. "Luke is good like that, you know? He's forgiven me for so many things I never thought he would, but he just has this capacity to be so good and kind and understanding."
Dan pulled into his parking space, turning off the car. "Somehow, I have a hard time picturing you doing anything that either of them would truly consider unforgivable."
"Well, I'm pretty sure that Nathan has an annotated, chronological list that would prove otherwise," she sighed as they got out of the car. "As for Luke, well, when I first started seeing Nathan, I wasn't sure that he'd forgive that. I probably should have known better, but I was scared. Just like I am now, keeping all of this from him. From both of them."
"Are you really worried that Lucas will be mad at you? If anyone, I think it'd be me that he'd be angry with in this scenario," Dan pointed out, unlocking the door and punching in the alarm code. "I'm the one who had to be blackmailed into doing the right thing. You were the one who cared enough to do it."
She smiled slightly at that. "Well, Luke might come around eventually on it. He'd definitely be angry that involved myself in everything, but maybe he'd let it go eventually. It's Nathan and Karen that I really worry about. Not telling them that Luke is sick is such a huge deal. It's – it's a really big thing to keep from two of the three most important people in my life. Karen is going to be so hurt and so angry, and Nathan will probably never forgive me for it."
She moved away from him then, going to her desk and taking out the key to Karen and Luke's place that she had stashed there. While he wasn't being antagonistic and seemed genuinely curious, it was still upsetting that he was making these presumptions that any of this was easy for her. None of it was easy, and all this conversation had done was remind her what was at risk due to her lies of omission.
"I do understand, you know," he said from where he stood near the door. "I understand what it is you have to lose here. I – I think that we're actually in the same boat."
"Right, our mutually assured destruction," she nodded, her head down.
"While that's an interesting side not, that wasn't what I meant," he chuckled. At that, she looked up in curiosity. "I just meant that I've finally realized how important those two boys are to me, not to mention all that I've missed out on with them. Now that I've gotten even a tiny bit of it with Lucas, the thought of losing it again is not very pleasant."
"Well," she snipped back at him, "What is "not very pleasant" for you is downright terrifying for me."
Dan folded his arms over his chest and regarded her closely. "There's no need to get worked up, Haley. I think we can both agree that it is not in either of our best interests to say or do anything that would upset things for any of us."
Logically, that made sense. But she hadn't had the best day, and she wasn't feeling particularly logical about anything. She did, however, have enough wits about her to realize that arguing with Dan Scott would get her absolutely nowhere, so she kept her mouth shut. "Would you mind dropping me off at Karen's? She gave me a key and told me it was okay if I needed to stay there. That's what I needed to pick up here."
"Sure," Dan agreed easily, motioning her towards the door. Once they got out to the car, he thought quietly about their conversation as he pulled the car out of the lot. He didn't attempt to engage her in further conversation knowing it wouldn't do either of them any good. He said a quiet goodbye to her when she got out of the care in front of his ex-girlfriend and son's small house, and she thanked him for the ride in return.
As he watched her get safely into the house, he realized that it wasn't just jealousy he felt of this girl's relationships with his sons. He was also jealous of her ability to risk so much to make them happy and keep them safe. Realizing that someone would risk their dearly held relationships for the health of a friend was something of a shock to him, and he realized that he was jealous of her bravery.
He drove to his apartment slowly, contemplating swinging by his former home to tell his son that his wife needed him. He knew how well that would go over for all of them, though, so he refrained. But for the first time in his life, he felt like an adult with the good kind of fatherly instincts and they even extended beyond his own sons.
Definitely not what he had been expecting when he answered Haley's call earlier that evening. Not at all what he was expecting.
Haley was up early the next morning in an attempt to get her work done as quickly as possible. She didn't have high hopes, but she was thinking that Dan might not mind too much if she left when she finished her daily tasks. The walk to the dealership from Karen's place was a lot shorter than it had been from Brooke's apartment, so she took her time to enjoy the brisk early morning air.
She had to admit to herself that she was still a little bit unnerved by the conversation she'd had with Dan the night before. When she compounded that with everything going with Luke's illness, Brooke's bitchiness and the secrets she was keeping from Nathan and Karen, she was feeling pretty horrible. She was mad at herself, mad at Dan, angry at Brooke and frustrated with Nathan and Luke. If Dan would just let her leave a little early, she had plans to deal with Nathan. It was time they sat down and had a real conversation. There were a few things she wanted him to understand.
Something had to give with him. She knew that she'd done things very wrong in regards to him and their marriage when she left on the tour, but she'd been nearly five months now. while he'd started to thaw to her a lot more recently than he had initially, he still used anything he could as an excuse to pull back and continue shutting her out. She understood his reticence about forgiving her, but all the same, she knew things could not go on the way they were for much longer. It was a horrible situation for both of them.
Her biggest problem was that she felt like couldn't confront him, not when she was hiding the truth from him about Luke's illness and her employment and slash or deal with the devil, Dan. How could she demand anything from him when she wasn't able to provide him with everything she wanted to give him?
Just the same, she had to do something. She knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt. The holidays were fast approaching, and frankly she wanted a Christmas with her husband. She wanted to begin building traditions with him and making memories they'd have forever. The way Nathan had been lately, though, had her thinking his plans involved shutting himself in his room at Deb's and refusing to see anyone, most specifically her.
She knew it hurt him that she had stayed at the café the other night when Dan had been there, but she couldn't let herself validate his bad behavior that way. He was wrong, and she knew that if she wanted things to go back to the way they were or preferably better, then she had to force herself to call him on it when he acted like a jerk. She always did that before, and while he had never especially liked it, she knew he respected that she stood up to him when she thought he was wrong.
It just wasn't as likely to go over so well now, though. Not after everything that had happened, but at the same time, neither of them could continue as they were. It wasn't fair, and she knew it wasn't healthy. The thing was, she wasn't ready to throw an ultimatum out there at him because of the mantle of guilt she was wearing. Still, she kept coming back to the fact that she felt miserable, Nathan seemed miserable and someone needed to do something about it.
Unfortunately for her, she knew she was going to have to be that someone.
Sighing as she looked up at the glowing neon lights of the dealership sign, she made her way inside, making small talk with some of the salesmen. They'd all been nice to her since the beginning, and they still went out of their way to make her feel like part of the team. It was one of the things that made the job not completely suck. Not that she thought it sucked, much. She did nearly as much work on the campaign projects as she did general administrative tasks around the dealership, and truth be told, she liked it a lot better. A lot of the things Dan let her do were above her obvious qualifications, but she had the aptitude, determination and interest to figure most of it out pretty easily.
Right now, he had her planning a cocktail part for over 200 of Tree Hill's finest businesspeople and community leaders. No one was more surprised by her than how much she loved planning this party. It was definitely not the type of thing she'd been into before, but there was something about choosing everything, making a thousand tiny decisions and being in charge that she had to admit to loving.
Plus it was a good distraction if nothing else.
Anything that could keep her busy enough that her focus was off her own problems was good enough for her right now. Planning this party just had the bonus of being fun and exciting and challenging enough to make it even better. The part that it was so Dan, her power hungry, demanding father-in-law, could gain even more power was just plain weird. But it was a job, and he was paying her far more than she could ever even dream to make elsewhere, so it was easy to set all the rest out of her mind.
Time flew by, and before she knew it, it was noon and she had finished with all of her expected daily tasks and had even worked a little ahead on the party planning. Biting the bullet, she made her way to Dan's office and knocked on the door. He called for her to come in, and she pushed the door open slowly, peeking through the opening.
"Hi Dan. I've got everything finished up plus I'm a little ahead of schedule with all of the party stuff. Would you mind if I took off early today?" she asked.
"Oh, well, sure," he agreed, looking surprised by her appearance there and the request. "You're always ahead of schedule with those things, so I suppose it wouldn't hurt anything for you to leave early today."
"Thanks," she nodded, awkwardly shuffling her feet. "And thank you for helping me out last night. I just – it was a bad night, and I didn't really have anyone else to ask for help. So, thank you."
He smiled, just a touch sardonically. "You're welcome. I'm glad I could come through as a last resort." She blushed bright red, and tried to sputter out a response. He laughed, holding up a hand. "I was teasing, Haley. I'm sure it is shocked, but I am capable of it once in a great while."
She shook her head, trying to hide her embarrassment. "Well, you use it effectively, that's for sure," she muttered. "Thanks, though. For letting me go early. And the other stuff."
"You're a good employee, Haley. I guess it comes as something as a surprise considering how I've acted towards Nathan, but I'm not a total slave driver to my employees. I will reward people when they do a good job."
Haley bit her lip, quickly weighing the pros and cons of what she wanted to ask him. "Then why? Why were you so different with Nathan?"
Dan stood up, moving to look out the window. There was a long, uncomfortable silence during which she worried that she had overstepped her bounds again and waited for him to answer. "I think that in the beginning, I just wanted him to be good and have fun. Somewhere along the line, it became more than that." He sighed heavily, turning back around to face her. "Someday I'll have to figure out a way to explain it and have this conversation with him."
"I hope you can do that," she nodded, stepping backwards through the door. "Thanks again for letting me take off early. I do appreciate it."
With that, she left the dealership and wandered back through town toward Nathan's house. She wasn't in a particular hurry as she needed a little bit of time to get her thoughts in order, but she was still on something of a mission. She didn't even know if he was home or if he'd be willing to spend some time with her, but she was going to push him for it.
It was time.
She decided that she wouldn't throw any ultimatums at him, but she did want to clear the air about what happened at the café the other night. He needed to understand that while he was the most important part of her world, she did have other friends and family, and they deserved consideration from her as well. As tempting as it was, she knew that she could not completely give herself over to Nathan the way he seemed to want from her. She knew that was a result of her leaving, that this was just another test. But she felt confident that this test wasn't fair, and if he persisted, it was maybe the one that she wouldn't be able to pass.
Sighing as she realized she was already in front of the large Scott house, she walked up to the door and rang the bell. To her disappointment, it was Deb who answered. "Haley! Hi honey, how are you?
"Hi Deb. I'm doing alright. I have the afternoon off work, and I was hoping that Nathan had a few minutes to talk, if he is home. Is he here?" she asked, smiling politely.
"He just got back from a run, actually," Deb offered with a smile. "Go ahead and run up to his room. I'm sure he won't mind you stopping by for a visit."
Haley wasn't so sure about that, but she certainly wasn't going to turn down Deb's offer. She smiled gratefully and thanked her before bounding up the stairs. When she got to Nathan's room, she unthinkingly pushed the partially open door without knocking. To her embarrassment and excitement, Nathan was standing there as he toweled his hair off. With no clothes on.
"Oh, crap," she muttered, staring covetously at him like an idiot until she checked herself and ducked back into the hall. "God, I'm sorry, I should've knocked. No, I should have waited downstairs. Oh! I should have called like any normal human being, and gosh, I'm just sorry, Nathan. I didn't mean to intrude on you. I swear I'm not some crazy peeping Tom or anything like that. I promise."
She could hear him laughing in his room which she took as a good sign, and she exhaled with relief when he pulled the door back open and reached out to yank her back into the room. He sat her on his bed as he pulled on a pair of sweats. "You aren't seriously embarrassed to see me naked, are you?" he teased, tossing the damp towel at her. "It's not like you haven't seen several hundred times before."
Haley shrugged, staring down at her hands. "When I saw it before, I was supposed to see it. I wasn't just barging into your bedroom like I had a right to be there. I shouldn't have barged in like that."
Nathan just laughed again. "Well, knocking might be a good idea, but it really is okay, Hales. I'm not mad or embarrassed."
"I guess I'll just have to be embarrassed enough for the both of us then," she sighed, thinking about how this was not how this meeting was supposed to start. How was she supposed to concentrate now that she'd gotten a glimpse of her hot husband in the buff?
"Come on, Haley. It's fine."
She shook her head, still avoiding his gaze. "Well, thanks for being nice about it. I do feel bad though."
"For seeing me naked?" he teased.
"Well, mostly for not knocking," she sighed, throwing the towel back him. "But if you keep teasing me, I might have to resort to insulting your manhood. Anything to get you to stop."
He threw his head back with laughter. "You know, for being such a genuinely nice person, you do frequently prove to have a mean streak a mile wide. I really do like that about you."
She choked back a laugh, shaking her head at him. "Yeah, you would like that."
Nathan sat down next to her on the bed, nudging her lightly with his elbow. "Well?" She glanced up at him, a blank look on her face. "Did you like what you saw?"
"You know I did," she blushed, elbowing him back. "I just – I really didn't mean to walk in on you like that, Nathan. I mean, things are so weird right now anyway, so me just busting in like I have any business doing that was – I didn't mean to make things weirder."
"I didn't think you did," he grins, looping an arm over her shoulders and pulling her into his side. "Haley, look at me, its okay. I swear its okay."
The words were sweet, and she knew that he was trying to make her feel better. Unfortunately, they basically had the opposite effect. "No!" she exclaimed, jumping up and pacing across the room. "Nothing is okay. Nothing! And it's almost Christmas, and I'm all alone, and my parents are gone, and I don't know where I'm going to live, and you don't want me around, and nothing is okay. Nothing is okay."
He stared at her in horror as she covered her face with her hands as she dissolved into tears. "Haley, I – "
"No," she sighed, letting out a tearful, sad laugh. "No, I'm sorry. I thought I could come over and talk to you, but clearly I'm too much of a mess to do that. I just, I should go."
"Don't go. I don't want you to leave, Haley," he said seriously, jumping up off the bed. He moved quickly to stand in front of her as though he were afraid she'd bolt. "I'm sorry I teased you."
"I'm not upset about that, Nathan." She let out a wry laugh, shaking her head as she tried to brush away the tears. "I'm not entirely sure what I'm upset about besides everything, I guess."
He moved closer, reaching out and grabbing one of her hands and holding in both of his. "What's going on, Hales? You said a lot, and we're going to talk about it all, but what do you mean you don't know where you're going to live? What happened to your apartment with Brooke?"
She seemed to crumple at his concern, and he dropped her hand, moving closer to lift her up into his arms. Settling them back onto the bed, he kept her in his lap and waited for her to speak. They both knew that she would when she was ready. She curled herself into him, letting herself just breathe him in for a few moments as she got her emotions under control.
"Sorry I'm such a mess," she sighed, cuddling against his chest. All she could really concentrate on was how good it felt to be held against his bare chest again.
"You aren't a mess," he murmured into her hair. "You're the least messy person I know. You always have been that way, too. Whatever is going on now is probably just dust, not a real mess."
His teasing words had the desired effect, and she laughed a little. "I am, though. Everything is askew right now, and I'm not doing a very good job at figuring out how to get it all right."
He pressed a kiss to her temple. "You don't always have to be the one to figure things out, you know. The rest of us should take responsibility for ourselves, too."
She slipped off his lap, scooting back to lean against the headboard. She smiled at him when he followed suit. "I packed a bag and left Brooke's place. She kept throwing my mistakes in my face, and I – I couldn't do it. I couldn't let her keep doing that to me. I've been trying to be a good friend to her, Nathan! I really have, but it's like she's…I know you don't want to hear about this."
"Yeah, I do, Hales. If talking about this is going to make you feel better, then yeah, I do. And I definitely want to know where you're staying, and if you're okay. When did you leave? Where did you go?"
"I left last night," she sighed. Dragging a hand through her hair, she managed another smile. "And Karen had given me a key to her and Luke's place, so I went there. They're out of town right now, but when she gets back, I'll see if her offer of a room still stands. Cross your fingers for me, yeah?"
He frowned slightly, obviously not impressed with what he was hearing. "So you just left the apartment without a solid backup plan? Haley, that's crazy! Why didn't you call me?"
"And say what, Nathan? You haven't even acknowledged me in the halls at school since I stayed at the café the other night. I didn't want another fight."
He cursed quietly, pulling her back onto his lap. "I don't want to fight with you either. Look, I know I was a jerk the other night. There's no excuse, but I felt out of place as it was being on Luke's turf and then Dan showing up…" He hugged her tightly to him, his hand inching under the fabric of her sweater. "It threw me for a loop. I – I didn't know Dan was spending time with him."
Haley didn't really know what to say about that, but she knew that it was one area she has to be honest with him. "He stops by a couple of nights a week for dinner. That's the only contact they have, and it seems awkward, but I will tell you that they're both really trying." She shifted so that her legs were draped over his lap and she could loop her arms around his neck. "Nathan, you should talk to them. Maybe start with Luke. He does know how you feel about Dan."
"If he knew how I felt, he wouldn't be breaking bread with him at his mom's café," Nathan muttered darkly. "It's too weird."
"He's just trying, you know? Dan is trying and he's doing his part, too."
"Why didn't you call me?" Nathan asked, abruptly changing the subject. "If you needed to escape Brooke, I'd have helped you, you know I would have."
Even though she's thrown by the subject change, she quickly brushed it off with a small smile. "Oh, Nathan, I couldn't call you. I was dealing with my own mess, and I didn't need to bother you with it. Besides, I knew Karen wouldn't mind if I crashed there, at least for a little while. There was no need to bother you."
He regarded her with a serious look that she found to be slightly disconcerting. "It wouldn't have been a bother to me, Hales. If you need help, I'm always here."
She sighed, squeezing his hand. "I do appreciate that, but it really wasn't a big deal. In a way, I think it was good for me to have some time to myself just to think."
"And what did you think about?" he asked, trying to sound light but she knew he worried what her answer might be. "Any life-changing decisions?"
"Nothing quite so serious as all that. And maybe I wasn't think so much as wallowing. It's not that I feel sorry for myself because I know I made my own bed, but I'm just tired and stressed and tired of being stress," she admitted wearily.
He sighed, pressing another kiss to her temple. "Sorry. I mean, I know I'm contributing a lot of the stress. That scene at the café the other night…"
"About that," she began, nervously fiddling with the bracelet circling her wrist, "I know it isn't any of my business, but I want you to be happy. And I wouldn't say this if I didn't think were true, so please know I really mean it: I think having relationships with Dan and Luke will make you happy."
He made a scoffing noise at that. "It sounds nice, but I just don't know if that can ever happen. There's just too much water under the bridge, you know? Too many things have happened, too many words have been said. Especially with my dad."
Haley nodded, running her hand through his hair. "I do understand why you feel that way, and I don't fault you for it. No one does. And I don't think you should give Dan a chance for Dan's sake, but for your own. It's just, I've seen them, you know? He's trying with Luke, and that is something I never thought I would see."
"Yeah, I don't understand that," Nathan agreed. "What changed? Why are they so buddy-buddy all of a sudden?"
"This is so weird, but your father seems to have turned over a new leaf."
Nathan really could not contain his disparaging snort at that. "Yeah, that isn't the first time he's tried to pull that, though. It never lasts."
She couldn't argue against that knowing as much of their history as she does. But she was still willing to offer her perspective on things now. "I'm no expert in all things Dan Scott, but honestly, it seems different this time. He seems sincere. He's definitely trying with Luke, and he's said that he wants to try with you, too. He means it, Nathan."
"What am I supposed to do with that?"
"Whatever you want," she smiled. "Honestly, Nathan, you have to do what will make you happy, what's best for you. If you want my opinion, having close relationships with your brother and father will make you happier, but that isn't really for me to decide. I don't really get much say in anything in your life, do I?"
He winced at that. "Haley…"
She laughed a little, shaking her head. "No, don't. I shouldn't have said that; it wasn't fair."
"You can say anything you want to me, Hales. There's no one whose opinion is more important than yours. It's okay that sometimes I won't like what you have to say," he teased, nudging her slightly. "We need to have a serious talk, don't we?"
Crinkling her nose up nervously, she nodded. "We do. I just don't want us to go on hurting each other the way we have been, and maybe if we talk things through…"
Nathan nodded. "Yeah, you're right. We do. It's been so easy to put off because I'm not sure if I'm ready to – to make a decision, I guess."
"I'm scared, too. Terrified, actually."
"Oh, Haley."
"Shh. It's okay. I'm okay, just worried. Nervous."
He sighed. "Again, I hate that I'm adding to your stress with everything. I know I've been a jerk and I hate hurting you, but I haven't figured out how to not be so angry."
She smiled at that, sitting back and drawing her knees up to her chest. "Oh, baby, you deserve to be angry with me. I don't expect you to let it all go overnight, I promise."
"I'm trying," he said quietly. "It probably doesn't seem like it because I blow up and blame you for things that you don't deserve, but I am trying. I don't know what's wrong with me."
She genuinely laughed at that. "There is nothing wrong with you! I made mistakes, and you're holding me accountable for them. While I'd rather not be lashed out at for things that other people are doing, I do understand why it is so easy to be angry with me."
"I'll definitely try not to be such a jerk to you when I'm angry at other people," he grinned at her in return. "That definitely seems fair."
"Thanks," she murmured, smiling shyly at him. Sometimes it amazed her how much even the tiniest scraps of affection from him could melt her. Maybe she just appreciated them more now after she'd come so close to never getting anything from him again. "I know you guys are having your problems, but Luke is my friend and he needs me right now. I can't just turn my back on him."
"It felt like you were choosing him," Nathan admitted. "When you wanted to stay there with him instead of leaving with me, it hurt. It shouldn't, but it did."
Haley nodded, having expected something like that. "I know, but you have to know that I didn't meant it that way. Nathan, I'd do almost anything for you if you'd let me, and I'd spend all my time with you if I could. We both know that's not possible, but it doesn't mean I don't want it. I'm just worried about Luke right now, and I can't, oh, I don't know."
Nathan frowned, leaning back to rest his head against the headboard. "Why are you so worried about him, anyway? Because Peyton left? He's a big boy, he should be able to deal with that stuff on his own. He probably doesn't need you to hold his hand for him."
She bit her lip, unsure of what to do. She could – and she should – tell him the truth. She even wanted to tell him the truth, more than anything. And maybe it would be worth feeling like a terrible friend if she could share this burden with Nathan, with anyone other than Dan. Because right now, it felt like Dan was the only person she had to share her worry for Luke, and while he did clearly share it, she wasn't sure that was the best case scenario. She never more regretted making a promise to anyone as she did the one she'd made to Luke that she'd keep this one.
"Luke's got some things going on, and I'm the idiot who promised she'd keep quiet about them," she told him with a sigh. "I want to tell you. More than anything, but I promised even though I knew I shouldn't."
He frowned, but nodded reluctantly. "If you promised, I understand. As long it's not life or death, right?" he joked, drawing back in confusion when she flushed and averted her gaze. "Haley. It's not life or death, is it?"
Squeezing her eyes tightly shut, she shook her head. "Nathan – "
"Haley, he's my brother. I know things have been crap between us lately, but if something is wrong, I should know. You know that."
"He's okay right now, Nathan. It's just, he has HCM. He swore me to secrecy, and oh, my gosh, how do I feel both better and worse for telling you?" she wondered aloud, holding her face in her hands. Nathan sat back, stunned. "I promised him that I wouldn't tell anyone. He hasn't even told Karen, Nathan. And I – it's all such a mess."
Nathan glanced up sharply at her. "Karen doesn't know? But then how is he getting medicine. I thought that it was regulated by medicine, so how is he taking care of that?"
She sighed wearily. "That's how I found initially. Karen accused me of stealing money from the register at the café, and I knew right away that it was probably Luke. When I confronted him, I had to force it out of him. He won't let me tell Karen, Nathan. What if something happens?"
He swore quietly under his breath, cursing his brother for putting this burden on his wife's slender shoulders. "I'm sorry, babe. This shouldn't be on you to take care of and worry about for him. Is he still taking money to get the medicine?"
"This is where it gets weird," she sighed reluctantly, and knowing that Nathan would not like this part of the story. She also felt better, though. Having him listen to her and empathize with her was truly freeing. "He wasn't going to keep taking the meds after Karen caught on to the missing money. And Dan was going to pay for them, but – okay, before I go on, I need you to promise me that you'll listen and not get mad. At least let me get through the story because it gets worse before it gets better, okay? Just know that in the end, he's got meds."
His eyebrows drew together as he scowled at her. "What did my father do?"
Haley rolled her eyes at him, nudging his leg with her foot. "Please let me get through this. It's – you're going to be mad at me, more than you already are, and I need to get all of it out."
"Yeah, okay," he agreed quietly, and she could see the worry on his face. "I'm not sure why I'd be mad at you, but I promise I won't interrupt you again. If I have questions, you'll answer those, right?"
"Definitely," she agreed immediately. "So, when Luke first found out about the HCM, Dan did, too. And he was going to pay for the meds. Unfortunately, he put some conditions on it that Luke wasn't willing to agree to follow. That's why he ended up taking money from the café."
"Jesus," Nathan muttered, dragging a hand over his face. "Sorry, go on."
Haley smiled, grabbing his hand and holding tight. "When I – well, I found out and was furious with him, absolutely beyond angry that he hadn't told his mom or at least you or me. I mean, I suppose it wouldn't seem like I could help much, but I was still just blindingly mad that he didn't tell me."
"No kidding," Nathan nodded in agreement, "I'm pissed he didn't want to tell anyone, too."
"Yeah, it was so stupid. It is so stupid. But then I got involved, and I know you're going to hate this, but I went to Dan." Nathan blinked in surprise. "I know! I didn't want to do it, but I didn't know what else to do. He made me promise not to tell you or Karen, and since Dan already knew, I figured I could blackmail him into paying for the medicines."
Nathan blinked at that. "I'm sorry, you did what?"
"I tried blackmailing Dan into buying Luke's medicine. I didn't know what else to do, Nathan. I couldn't buy them myself, and Luke can't afford it either. It just seemed like there was nothing else to do, like I had no other options. Of course, things with Dan weren't so simple as just basic, old-fashioned blackmail," she sighed.
"What did he do?" When she didn't respond right away, he gripped her upper arms until she looked up at him. "What did he do to you, Haley?"
"He didn't 'do' anything other than assure our mutual destruction," she answered quietly. At his blank look, she elaborated, "I blackmailed him into getting Luke the medicines, and he bullied me into doing something he wanted.
Pure anger shuttered across her husband's handsome face. "What the hell did that man do to you?"
Haley sighed, frustrated with her inability to do this in any manner even close to being a right way. She moved to where she was kneeling beside him. "Nathan, he didn't 'do' anything. Oh, he was a jerk and he mocked me and us and our marriage, but he didn't actually do anything. He refused at first, but eventually we worked out an arrangement."
Nathan's face paled dramatically at that. "An arrangement? With my father? What did he con you into, Haley?"
"He made me – Nathan, please don't be mad. If I could've thought up a better solution, I never would have done it, alright? I just want you to know that," she whispered urgently, pleadingly.
"Okay, now you're just freaking me out. Did he make you do something weird? Something…inappropriate?"
"What? Well, no, he just leveraged my blackmail and concern for Luke into me working for him at the dealership. I – that's my new job. I didn't tell you because…well, for several reasons, really. I'm sure you've figured all of them out already."
He breathed out in relief. "Damn it, you scared me. I mean, he hasn't done anything like that before that I know of, but it didn't seem out of the realm of possibility that he'd do something like that, especially if it would be sticking it to multiple people." He shook his head again. "But you're working for him? At the dealership?"
She shrugged, more bothered by his assumptions that she'd have agreed to anything…weird…from Dan than she was willing to let on. "I've been doing a lot of campaign stuff recently, but yeah, I'm working for him." She looked up at him, her heart in her throat. "I'm sorry. For all of this."
He frowned at that. "I don't love that you didn't tell me these things, especially about Luke being sick. And I especially do not like that you've been working with my dad. I'd rather you not have to be near him at all."
"He hasn't been that bad. Well, he was a total jerk in the beginning, but he's different now. He has even acknowledged me as his daughter-in-law a couple of times, if you can believe that," she tried to joke, even though she knew it was a weak attempt.
"Jesus," Nathan muttered again. "I don't get this at all. You're just working for Dan now? And he's buying Luke's medicine and they're all friendly because of it? God, Haley, why didn't you tell me?"
She sighed, looking down at their joined hands where they rested on his lap. "I promised Luke I wouldn't, and then I – I was scared. Everything is already so messed up because of me, and this was just…just another lie, another broken promise to you. It wasn't about us, but it still wasn't fair to keep it all from you. Especially Luke being sick. You're his brother, you should know."
"Should he even be playing basketball? No, never mind, I know you wouldn't let him if he shouldn't. How – I don't get why you started working for Dan, Haley. What were you thinking, you know how he is?"
"I was thinking that I didn't know what else to do! I had no other way of getting my best friend the medication that he needed to regulate what could be a serious heart problem, and I did the only thing I could think of at the time!" She sighed, moving off the bed to stand up. "I know I messed up again, Nathan. But when Dan told me that he'd get Luke the money for the medicine if I took the job, I didn't really see another way. At the time, it seemed like my only option. And maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. All I know is that I'm so tired of being in the middle, so tired of trying to hold everything together and failing miserably, and I can't do it anymore. I just can't."
Without waiting for his reply, she turned and fled out of the house.