Chapter Twelve – Better to Ask Forgiveness than Permission
After Haley ran out of his room, Nathan wasn't really sure what to do. He knew that she was extremely upset, and that maybe he should go after her, but he also respected the fact that she might have needed some space. He was familiar with that, and it certainly wasn't something he'd deny her of when there was no need for it. Not when he constantly demanded it from her, at any rate.
Cursing in frustration, he jumped when a knock sounded on his door. "Nathan? Is everything okay? Haley looked really upset when she ran out," his mom said quietly.
He sighed, not wanting to do this with her. "Mom, things are fine. Thanks for checking. There's just a lot going on right now."
"Did you fight? Honey, I know that you've been through a lot, but just think about what you're doing to her, okay? If you want to end it, end it. Don't keep dragging things out and letting her have hope. That's far crueler than cutting ties," Deb said through the door.
"Oh, come on," Nathan groaned, pulling the door open. "All this time, you've been a complete jerk to Haley, and now you're advocating some sort of kindness? Sorry that it's a little hard to swallow you having her best interests in mind."
Nathan rolled his eyes when a hurt expression flitted across his mother's face. "You know I don't wish ill for Haley. I don't even wish for the two of you to break up necessarily. I just think getting married at your age reckless and foolish and impossible. It would've been the same regardless of the girl."
He snorted at that. "Whatever, Mom. Look, I didn't even do anything this time; she's upset about other things that are none of your business. Actually, things between me and Haley are also not any of your business. Why are you doing this pretend to care thing? Is it because Dad is doing the same, even if it's with Luke?"
She gasped, taking a step back at that. "This isn't a competition, Nathan. You are my son, and I want what is best for you. As a parent, sometimes you and I will have differing perspectives on what that means. Of course, you're an emancipated "adult", so I suppose you don't have to listen to me anyway."
"You're right, I don't. But it's not the emancipation that makes me feel that way; it's the fact that you were a barely present parent. What good reason do I have to respect your opinions on anything, Mom?"
"I'm your mother! Nathan, I'm trying here, I'm trying with you. Why do you continue giving that girl all these chances, but you won't give me that same courtesy?"
He barked out a humorless laugh. "You're unbelievable. The second you realize it won't get you anywhere to be nice to Haley, you immediately attack her. 'That girl'? Really?"
"I didn't mean it like that," Deb sighed, trying frantically to convince Nathan of that. "I like Haley. She's a nice girl, but I just can't help but think her presence in your life has driven such a huge wedge between us."
"That's the – of course. Of course you'd say that. It's a lot easier to blame Haley than to admit that you're a crappy parent who dumped me here with an even crappier parent, isn't it?" Nathan snapped back.
Deb cringed, flushing guiltily. "I didn't know. I just didn't know how bad it was for you here with Dan. I thought that you were happy, that you two enjoyed the so-called bachelor lifestyle."
"Great. If you thought it, then it must be true." Nathan pulled on a sweatshirt, grabbed his basketball and pushed out the door past her. "I'm going out."
"No, Nathan, don't leave. Let's talk about this, please," his mother practically begged, but he just ignored her and continued out the house. He had more important fights burgeoning than this argument with his mother.
He could've grabbed his car keys, but he didn't. At the moment, walking was definitely a better option for him. He had a million and one thoughts swirling around in his head, and he had at least that many feelings per thought as well. He just wasn't entirely sure what those feelings were and which applied to whom.
Nathan knew he was mad. He just wasn't sure where it was directed. For the first time in recent memory, he didn't think the anger was really directed at Haley. He was probably frustrated at her, and he was a little disappointed that she'd keep secrets from him, but he wasn't really mad. He couldn't really be mad at her for keeping Luke's secret. Not if he was being reasonable about it, at any rate.
And if he was being honest, his feisty little wife had majorly surprised and impressed him again. He didn't figure there were many people in the world who could shoulder the burdens that she'd taken on, and done it with such grace and ferocity. Picturing her going up to and trying to blackmail his father was one of the best mental images he could dream up.
Honestly, he didn't know what he'd have done if he'd been in her position. If he really thought about it, he knew that he probably would've just gone along with whatever harebrained scheme Luke had. Not because he wouldn't have been worried or wanted him healthy, but because he knew he didn't have half the ingenuity or practicality or determination that was packed into her tiny body. She was so smart, and all of a sudden, he was realizing that she was really brave, too.
Who else would approach Dan Scott and successfully maneuver him into buying medication for a son he had spent a lifetime ignoring? No one Nathan knew would've done that aside from Haley.
He was impressed. There were no other words for it. What Haley had done for Luke in terms of taking Dan on was incredible, and the more time he had to think about it, the more impressed he was with all that she had done. In that moment, he was able to admit to himself what he'd been denying for so many months now: he was still in love with his wife, and they were by no means over. Admitting that, embracing that, felt better than he could've imagined. He was still wary, and he knew he couldn't really trust himself not to lash out or be a jerk when things got uncomfortable or too much, but at least he knew. It would be better for both of them this way.
Well, it would be better for him anyway. Maybe Haley didn't deserve all the crap he put her through and would probably continue to put her through. She definitely deserved better than him and his family, but at the same time, he knew he wouldn't let her go. He couldn't let her go. Hell, he didn't want to let her go.
Even though he hadn't really had a destination in mind when he'd left the house, he was unsurprised to realize his feet had unthinkingly carried him to the river court. What did surprise him was the fact that Dan was there, shooting free throws on the court that he had so many times denigrated to Nathan.
"What are you doing here, Dad?" Nathan grit out angrily, the Haley, Lucas and Dan situation too fresh in his mind.
Dan jerked in surprise, dropping his ball and whirling around to face his younger son. "Nathan, I, ah, well, I'm just getting in a little exercise." He looked at his son with a smile. "You want to play?"
It was on the tip of Nathan's tongue to refuse immediately, but something in him stopped him. "You want to play a game of one-on-one with me?"
Nathan knew there was probably some kind of vicious gleam in his eyes, and it was pretty clear that Dan recognized it for what it was. "I was thinking more along the lines of shooting around a little bit, actually. We both know you'd wipe the floor with your old man one-on-one. There's nothing to be proven there."
Snorting, Nathan dribbled his ball casually a few times before putting it through the net. "Maybe I don't have anything to prove there, but you have a lot of damn things to answer for right now, Dad."
Dan stilled, taken aback by Nathan's sneer. "You're right, I do. Why don't we grab a seat and talk about some of those things? That might be more productive than this."
"Oh, yeah, let's just sit down and have a heart to heart, Dad. Won't that be fun? We can talk about all the lies you like to tell, all the blackmailing you like to do. That does seem like a good time to me. In fact, I don't know why I didn't think of it!"
"What are you talking about now, Nathan?" Dan asked warily, clearly caught off guard by the venom in Nathan's voice. He knew that Dan had caught onto just how angry he was at that moment. "What have I done to upset you this time?"
Nathan stared at him stonily. "Gee, I don't know. Whatever could you possibly have done that would upset me. Maybe if you think really hard about it, something will come to you."
Dan sighed, pushing a hand through his hair in a gesture Nathan knew was so similar to one of his own that it just enraged him even more. "Is this because I've been eating dinner with Lucas lately? Look, Nathan, I can understand why that may upset you, but me trying to establish a relationship with Lucas doesn't take anything away from what I want to reestablish with you. In fact, if you're interested, I'd like you to be there with us. It'd – I think it'd be nice to have all three of the Scott men together for a change."
Nathan gazed at him incredulously. "Yeah, that seems like a great idea, Dad. Let's all just get together – hey, at the Café, that's not awkward at all, right? – and break bread. You – you're unbelievable. Do you even think before you spew out this crap?"
"What's going on with you, Nathan? You're angry with me, I understand that. I even respect that, though you may not believe that part. But there's nothing I can do to get us past this if you won't talk to me."
"Oh, yeah, like you talked to me before blackmailing my wife into working for you?" Nathan sneered, grabbing a shocked Dan's shirt and shaking him hard once before releasing him with a hard shove backwards. "She told me. She told me what you did to Luke, and she told me what you did to her. How could you? How could you force her to work for you when she was already taking on all the responsibility of trying to help Luke out? How could you force her to do anything when she was just making you own up and do the right damn thing for once in your life?"
"Nate, son, I – "
"Forget it," Nathan growled. "Don't bother. You may have snowed her into thinking there's some decency in you and that you're sincere in wanting relationships with your kids, but I know you and I know better than that. Look, I know that you hate her for marrying me, for helping me get emancipated, but why would you screw with her like this? What is wrong with you?"
Dan sighed, still stunned by the outburst and revelation that Nathan now knew everything, or at least the major facts. "I'm glad she told you. Not only did you deserve to know what's going on with your brother, but I could tell the last couple of days that it has been really bothering Haley that she couldn't say anything."
"Yeah, that's great and all," Nathan bit out, "But at the moment, I'm a little more concerned about what the hell you were doing blackmailing my wife! She's not like us, Dad. She doesn't do the crap our family does, and you had no right forcing her to work for you when she just wanted her best friend to have access to the damn medication his father should be providing!"
Nodding, Dan turned away, staring out at the river. "You're not wrong, Nathan. What I did was despicable, even for me. And I won't lie; I saw it as an opportunity to get her working long hours and keep her away from you. Absolutely, I did that. But it isn't like that anymore. I – I've learned a lot from Haley, and quite frankly, if you think she doesn't give every bit as good as she gets, then you're doing her a serious disservice by underestimating her many abilities. She didn't take any crap from me, and I admire her quite a lot."
"Oh, don't give me that!" Nathan yelled. "Don't do that. You don't know her, you don't know how – how amazing she is and how funny and how – you just don't know. Don't talk about her like you do."
"She's worked for me for several months now, Nathan. Of course I don't know her as well as you do, but I've certainly come to respect her. She has the love of both of my sons; how could I not see some of the things that you both see in here?"
He hated hearing any words come out of his father's mouth about Haley. "Why don't you just tell me what the hell you were thinking in refusing to get Luke medicine? Damn it, Dad, what's wrong with you?"
Dan's head hung down even as a vein started ticking on his forehead. "There's not much I can say to defend myself. I know that. You know that. Everything you've said is true. I was wrong." He sighed, turning back to face Nathan. "What do you want me to say, Nathan?"
Nathan shook his head. "Just tell me the damn truth. What are you doing? What are you doing with Luke, and why the hell did you involve Haley in it?"
"Haley involved herself, Nathan. Yeah, I took advantage of that, but I'm not sorry. It worked out well, and I – well, I think she and I understand each other better now."
Not even bothering to respond, Nathan threw his ball at his father as hard as he could. Dan caught it, to both their surprise. "You wanted to play? Let's play, Dad." He didn't feel even a tiny bit badly as his father cringed at the anger and sarcasm in his voice when he drawled out 'Dad'. "Come on, you wanted this, let's do it. You get to start with the ball even."
They both knew that this game was going to end poorly, but Nathan also knew he'd backed Dan into something of a corner, and Dan let himself be goaded into playing. It was physical, brutally so, and they hadn't even been playing a full five minutes before Nathan took his opportunity to slam his elbow backwards, connecting with his father's eye socket. Dan went down hard on the concrete of the court, staring up at Nathan in dismay and frustration as his eye swelled and blood trickled from both a cut below his eyebrow and his nose.
"This is pointless," Nathan muttered angrily, turning around and kicking the now forgotten ball as hard as he could. "You'll never tell anyone the damn truth, will you? You'll never just own up to all the crap you put everyone through. But you'll use my wife to get in good with Luke, won't you? Was that part of your plan, too? Fool Haley into thinking you are sincere and then try to get in good with me?"
"Nathan, I already told you that hiring Haley was something I did to keep her away from you by monopolizing as much of her free time as possible," Dan sighed, gingerly feeling around his eye and nose for damage. "Why would you think I'd be trying to use her for something other than that? I made a mess of everything, Nathan. I fully admit and acknowledge that. I'm not trying to hurt anyone now; not you, not Lucas and not Haley."
Nathan rolled his eyes. "I might believe that if it had been true even once in recent memory. But you're always just out for yourself, even when you're doing something that seems to help someone else out. So what is it this time? What are you getting out of giving Luke his meds and hiring Haley to work for you? Because no offense? You don't have a generous bone in your body that would make me think any of this is out of the goodness of your heart."
Swallowing hard, Dan pushed himself back up to his feet, and took a few steps backwards away from his son. "I know you have a lot of reasons to think these things, Nathan. But I mean what I am saying to you. I am trying here, trying to do the right thing for my sons. I've never been good at that which is no secret, but I am trying. And contrary to what you think, I've already figured out that Haley is not a weapon I can or should use against either of you." He glanced out towards the river before re-settling his gaze on Nathan. "She doesn't take any crap from me, and she's made huge improvements at the dealership and on my campaign. I know I've added to her burden of keeping Luke's secret, but I'm over trying to make things worse for her."
"I'm so done with you and your lies, Dad. They never end, and maybe other people are willing to you chance after chance, but I'm not. I'm just…done. Stay away from me, and stay away from my wife. I don't want you to be near her at all," Nathan ordered brusquely.
"She works for me," Dan pointed out calmly, his jaw clenched so tightly it looked it might snap. "She's a good employee, she's well compensated and I think she likes what she gets to do. I'm not firing her, Nathan, just to suit your current whim."
Nathan glared back at him. "This isn't a whim! This is me protecting the one person I care about more than anything, and I will protect her from you at any cost."
Dan arched an eyebrow at that. "Oh, really? What does that mean, Nathan? What would you be willing to do to keep Haley away from me? Are you going to force her to quite the job that is most likely funding any college dreams she has and a future for you two? I'm pretty sure that's how she sees it."
"She's reasonable, Dad. When I remind her of all the crap you've pulled – keep pulling! – then I'm sure she'll understand why she should never be near you. I don't trust you, and I do not want you anywhere near my wife," Nathan stated flatly.
"Be reasonable, Nathan," Dan pleaded again. "Don't make this worse than it already is for everyone."
Nathan stared back at him implacably. "You keep hurting everyone around you, all of the family, but you want concessions. To make it worse, whenever you do something wrong, you try to turn it back around someone, anyone other than yourself. I won't let you do that to her, you don't get to drag her down with you."
Dan sighed, holding his hands up in defeat. The skin around his eye was rapidly coloring and swelling even as the blood flow from his nose and the cut on his eyebrow slowed to a trickle. "Nathan, I know that there's nothing I can say right now to convince you of my sincerity in any of this. Maybe someday you'll be able to see it, maybe I'll be able to prove myself to you, but I know it isn't going to happen right now. But you should know I'm not giving up on you. I have no intentions of hurting Haley, Lucas or you. Learning to do right by you and Lucas is important to me, and I'm going to do it. You don't have to like, but I am."
"Whatever, Dad," Nathan muttered, turning to walk away. Pausing after a few steps, he turned and looked back at Dan. "I mean it, leave Haley alone. Leave me alone."
He stalked away, and this time, did not look back.
Haley Scott did something that Monday morning that she very, very rarely did. She skipped school. After the extraordinarily draining unburdening of her soul and sins to Nathan, she'd then had to follow that up with conversations with Luke and Karen explaining she needed a new place to stay. To her immense relief, they welcomed her with open arms. Karen had even confessed that she had hoped Haley would come to her sense and move in with them.
She knew they both could tell how upset she was, but so far they had seemed to chalk it up to stress related to the Brooke situation and her sudden need to move. And she was more than willing to let them believe that for as long as she feasibly could place the blame there. It wouldn't last forever, but even if it was only for a few more days, it would be a relief.
Unfortunately for her, she could not really avoid work. She needed her paycheck, and she wasn't such a coward that she wouldn't face Dan now that she'd spilled the beans to Nathan. In fact, she wanted to warn him even though she had a very strong suspicion that Nathan would've gone after him by now. She supposed she owed him an apology at the very least, even though that grated on her nerves some. She wasn't as convinced he was the antichrist as she used to be, but still didn't feel terribly happy with the notion that she owed him even something as small as an apology.
Sighing as she walked through the door of the dealership, she pasted a smile on her face as she greeted Agnes. The older woman returned her smile with a friendly one of her own, and offered her a plate of cookies. Haley had to laugh at the daily routine of refusing sweets from her kind coworker, and she was relieved to feel her mood lighten up slightly.
"Agnes, would you mind staying for a few more minutes and covering the phones? I need to speak with Dan about a few things."
"Sweetie, you are a half hour early. You take your time," Agnes smiled. "I've got a few things to finish up anyway."
"Thanks!" Haley beamed, heading towards his office immediately. Before she could even knock, she heard his voice beckoning her to enter. She pushed the door open, but stood on the threshold, staring at him in horror as she took in his black and blue eye.
With a small smirk, Dan set down his papers and motioned her in the door. "Take a seat, Haley. I'm guessing you heard what happened with my younger son."
Tripping rather ungracefully into the chair indicated, she slowly shook her head. "Um, no. I didn't go to school today, and I've been ignoring my cell phone. I – Nathan hit you?"
Dan laughed at that, shaking his head. "He didn't hit me, but we did play a rather spirited game of one-on-one."
"Your eye looks that awful from playing basketball?" she asked doubtfully. "Was this punching basketball?"
"Nathan did not hit me, Haley. He did, however, throw a very well-aimed elbow when he knew I was right behind him." Haley groaned at that, shaking her head a little. "He's angry with my, Haley. Unfortunately, I let him goad me into the game even though I knew what was going to happen."
She sighed in exasperation. "What is it with you Scott men and basketball? Nathan and Luke have used it to fight, and now you and Nathan? There is something seriously wrong with all of you."
He managed a small chuckle. "Some might say that there is something wrong with you since you willingly joined the family. We're just working with what we were born into. What's your excuse?"
"Oh, great," she muttered, laughing weakly. "That's definitely worse." Sighing, she looked him in the eye. "I should've given you some warning, Dan. I hope he didn't just show up here and go after you in front of everyone."
"It was at the river court, actually, and it was just the two of us. I have to admit, I was a little surprised that you had told him."
She grimaced at that. "I hadn't exactly been planning on telling anyone anything," she admitted ruefully. "It just sort of came out. I'm not sorry that I told him, but I should've given you a call to let you know that he knew about Luke and the medication. Maybe you could've avoided all this."
Dan laughed genuinely at that. "Nathan and I avoid a fight? There was no avoiding this one, Haley. Besides, his anger wasn't really over what's going on with Lucas. Not entirely, anyway."
Haley frowned. "Well, why is he so angry with you if not for the Luke stuff?"
"For involving you in everything," he sighed, smiling slightly. "Nathan is angry that I forced you to work her for me. He doesn't want me to have any contact with you."
She blinked in surprise at that revelation. "What? That's what he's mad about? Sometimes I just don't get what he's thinking! I mean, worried about Luke, that would make sense. Why on earth would he be worried about me?"
"You're his wife, Haley. That's more than enough."
Haley looked up at him with a blank look on her face. Shaking her head to clear away the confusion, she offered Dan a tentative smile. "Regardless of whatever is bothering Nathan, I am sorry. I really should have given you warning. It's not like I couldn't have figured out what he'd do with such news."
Dan brushed the apology aside with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Like I said, it really wouldn't have mattered, Haley. He was spoiling for a fight, and he would've found a way to get what he wanted regardless if I had been forewarned."
She shifted uncomfortably, sighing deeply. "Okay, well, I'm going to go get some work done now. Have you made the final decision on guest list yet? I need to get that to the printers this week so the invitations go out appropriately early."
"Yeah, yeah, I'll print it out and put it in your inbox."
"Dan, you have email for a reason. Just attach it and send it to me that way. I can clean it up and then forward it on to the printers much easier that way." She rolled her eyes pointedly. "You know how to do that, right? You're far too young to be this inept about computers. Agnes has this stuff down, and she is literally a great-grandmother."
He laughed at the jab. "I know, I know. We are working on it as you are well aware."
"I know," she smirked. "Okay, I'm off to get some work done. I, um, hope your eye doesn't hurt too bad."
"Not half as bad as my pride," he muttered to himself as she pulled the door shut behind her. Sighing, he glanced around his office, his gaze wandering over the old basketball trophies and awards. They were…important to him, and he knew that was probably something of an understatement. At the very least, it didn't truly explain how much of his identity was wrapped up in accolades heaped upon him nearly two decades ago.
Standing up, he winced as the sudden movement jarred his swollen and bruised eye. He walked over to the shelf that held his state championship MVP trophy, and reached out to pick it up. It was a typical high school award, made of light, inexpensive wood and metal colored plastic. There was very little weight to it, but it felt heavy in his hand. Unable to hold it any longer, he set it back down in its place on the shelf. Making a hasty decision, he grabbed his coat, let the staff know he was leaving for the day and walked out the door.
He jumped in his car and headed straight for the café. He knew Karen was likely to be there, and for once, he was hoping that Lucas would not. He needed to talk to someone who would tell him the truth in the most straightforward, blunt manner possible, and he knew that Karen could pull that off without it devolving into a screaming match like Deb would. And if he was really being honest, a part of him wanted to see her and hear her thoughts on things. He would welcome her opinions, even though he had no doubt how difficult they'd be to hear.
He paused outside the door to the café, relieved to not see Lucas immediately. As anticipated, Karen was sitting at one end of the counter looking over some books. He pushed through the door and made his way over to her. As he neared, she glanced up at him. Her eyebrows shot up at the sight of his eye, but she merely regarded him curiously for a moment before letting it go. "Hello Dan. Lucas isn't here tonight. He went out with some friends to do whatever terrifying things it is that seventeen year old boys do."
"Actually, I was hoping to speak with you," Dan admitted, feeling slightly out of place. "If now isn't convenient, that's fine. I was just hoping you could help me gain some perspective, I think. With the added bonus of your trademark brutal honesty."
He knew his words shocked her as much as his black eye had; how could they not? But to her credit, she only betrayed the surprise with a raised eyebrow. "No, now is fine. I'm not technically working tonight, so now would actually be good. Let me put these away and grab us some coffee. Is that table in the corner alright? Or is this going to be a 'yelling' conversation?"
He chuckled at that, surprisingly grateful that she'd managed to break the ice. "No, I don't think there will be yelling. As long as you can contain yourself."
"I'll do my best," she stated dryly. He watched as she gathered her things up and retreated to the kitchen. It was only when the door she disappeared through swung shut that he moved towards the table she had pointed out.
As he shoved his hands into his pockets, he realized that he was nervous. While Karen had been generally courteous and pleasant to him when he was visiting with Lucas and had even joined them for dinner a few times, they hadn't had any kind of conversation that would be considered personal and honest in about seventeen years. This figured to be intense and uncomfortable on both of their parts.
He sat down, drumming his fingers and tapping his foot. He could not remember the last time that he was this nervous about anything, but in the grand scheme of ironies, he thought it might have been before his first date with Karen so many years ago. That actually brought a little smile to his face as he tried to settle himself down a little. Being on edge to start this conversation seemed like a recipe for disaster, and he didn't want this to go south the way he was so good at sending them.
Karen passed back through the door, stopping briefly to give a few instructions to the waitress on duty, giving him a chance to observe her quietly. Despite the years that had passed, she still looked young – far younger than he felt, at any rate – and she definitely still had that vibrant quality that attracted everyone to her. It was the kindness she had then and now that kept them near her.
Except for him. He'd been the one person who had not only let her go, but forcibly removed her from his life.
Sighing, he pushed those thoughts away. They weren't for tonight, and maybe they wouldn't be ready for discussion for some time. She approached the table, sitting down across from him and sliding a mug of coffee to him. "Cream, one sugar?"
He blinked in surprise. "Yeah. I guess some things never really change, do they?"
Karen gave him a small smile at that. "And some things change a lot, Dan. Are you okay? You look like hell, by the way. I hope the other guy looks worse."
"The other guy was Nathan," Dan groaned, "And he looks just fine. Honestly, I deserved taking the elbow for…a lot of reasons."
"I see," Karen murmured quietly. "I take it that's not really what you wanted to talk about tonight."
"Not exactly, but in the end, I suppose it all relates," he sighed, picking up his coffee and taking a sip. "I wanted to ask you a question. I'm trying to figure some things out, and you've known me about as long as anyone, so I'm hoping you might help."
Her eyebrows lifted at that, and her head tipped to the side as she regarded him curiously. "Ask away. If I have an answer, I'll give it."
He chuckled at that. "That was the other thing, I figured you'd be more than happy to lay out any and all unpleasant truths for me."
She shrugged, a little smirk playing about her lips. "Well, go on, what's this big question?"
"I was in my office at the dealership this afternoon, and I was looking at some of my basketball trophies. Do you remember the one I got for winning the state tournament MVP award our senior year?" She nodded. Of course she did. "It's such a cheap thing, light wood and plastic that looks like gold."
"The same cheap crap they give out now," she offered, trying to lighten the mood. She wasn't sure if she was going to be thrilled with where this conversation was going.
He smiled, looking as awkward as she felt. "Back then, do you think I cared about anything other than basketball? I remember thinking and caring about other things, but now I'm not sure if that isn't something I've convinced myself of to make it all seem less…cold."
She leaned forward, her elbows resting against the table as she gazed at him. Determining his question genuine, she sighed. "No, I don't think that was all you cared about back then," she told him truthfully. "Dan, I don't think it has ever been all that you've cared for even when it might have seemed otherwise."
Dan nodded, but he did not look in the least convinced. "I'm not so sure about that, especially the last part. If I did, if I cared about things other than basketball, then why have I done all the things that I've done?"
"Looking at your old awards brought all this on, huh?" she asked, not unkindly. She wasn't really sure what she thought about this conversation, but she could tell that he was genuine in wanting her opinion on this matter. "What's really going on with you, Dan?"
"I guess everything is catching up with me," he sighed, shaking his head a little. "Maybe realizing just how angry Nathan is with me, how difficult it will be to breach that, has left me wondering where exactly it was that I went wrong. When did I become this person who made every possible wrong choice that came his way?"
Karen regarded him patiently, a little bit of understanding dawning. "Dan, you weren't born that way. If you want to start making better choices, you can. You're already proving that."
"I think I'm still in the 'trying' phase," he noted wryly, but did look pleased by her assertion. "Why are you – well, I shouldn't ask this, but why have you let me spend time with Lucas?"
Taken aback, she picked up her mug and took a few sips of coffee to compose herself. "Well, I suppose that number one, he's old enough to make that choice on his own. I wouldn't stand in his way even if I thought it a terrible idea."
"But you'd let him know what you thought," Dan pointed out with a smirk.
"Oh, absolutely, he's my kid," Karen laughed. "But he's old enough to make his own decisions about you. He's a good boy, and he's smart. And number two, I think you're sincere, too. So does Haley. If all three of us see some sincerity in you, it must be there."
He nodded, still frowning slightly. He looked her right in the eyes. "I appreciate that, but I – I still want to know when this happened. When I became the guy who couldn't do anything right by his family, even when he wanted to so badly."
She was fairly certain that she knew what he was alluding to, but she knew neither of them were ready to press on that subject. What happened between them when they were young was a subject much better suited for another place and another time. "You've made bad choices, Dan. I can't argue with you on that. All the same, is dwelling on them doing you any good? Look, it's like I told Haley: sometimes you make mistakes. We all do. But once you own up to them and try to fix them, you let them go. Oh, I'm not saying to forget or anything like that, but you can't spend all your time blaming yourself for everything you've done wrong. Maybe you need to stop and think about what caused you to make the choices that you made."
"What if it's never enough?" he asked, the barest trace of bitterness in his tone. "What if Nathan never forgives me?"
Reaching out, she covered his hands where they were wrapped around his coffee mug with her own. "It might take time, but someday it'll be enough. If it's worth enough for you to keep trying, then he'll figure out that it's enough someday, too."
He looked up at her, and she could see the gratitude and hope in his eyes. They were slightly obscured by the bitterness and frustration, but they were there. He nodded, tiredly closing his eyes. "I think I was scared."
She blinked in confusion at the subject change. "What?" she asked, rather inelegantly.
"I was scared. I think that was, at least at first, why I made so many bad choices. Or maybe just the first couple were based on fear, and it snowballed from there." He looked her in the eye. "When you called to tell me that you were pregnant, I was afraid. I know you were, too, and with better reason, but I was. I didn't know what to do, and somehow every single thing I did after that managed to be wrong."
She nodded, tracing her finger around the rim off the mug, a habit he remembered from so long ago. "You panicked. I know. Well, I know now. Then, well, back then I was just hurt." She shook her head a little and gave him a rueful smile. "But that's not what you're here to talk about."
He smiled back. "Do you want to talk about it? It's – well, it's incredible that we never have, but I guess until recently, I've done a good job making sure our paths never crossed."
She laughed – a real, genuine laugh – at that. "Don't hog all the credit there. You weren't the only one who wasn't eagerly seeking out a confrontation. It was easier to maintain the status quo of pretending like everything, all things between us and the way our lives intermingled didn't exist."
"Sometimes I'd see you two at the grocery store," he admitted. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but there were so many times I wanted to talk to you…to talk to Lucas. There were a couple of times when he was young, eight or so, that I almost approached him. But I just couldn't. I don't know why."
Karen nodded thoughtfully at that. "Well, let's be honest: if you had approached him there's a good chance I would've had to kill you. Then where would any of us be?"
In spite of himself and the seriousness of the conversation, he laughed. "I suppose so. I've told Luke this, but I want you to know it, too. I'm sorry. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get to the point where I can admit my mistakes and acknowledge that I put myself in a position to miss out on his life." He looked down at their hands where they rested on the table. "I'm sorry for spending almost 17 years making every wrong decision possible."
Karen sighed, allowing him a small smile. "I know. It's not easy to – to forget, but I know."
"I'm not asking you to forget. I'm not even asking you to forgive." He drummed his fingers on the table. "I know I don't have that right. But if you know, if you at least know it, then maybe that's enough."
She took a deep breath, nodding sharply once. "I don't really know what to say, Dan. It's not that I'm doubting your sincerity, but this…there's a lot of history here, Dan. It's just going to take time."
Dan nodded earnestly. "I know. I really do know that, Karen. And let's face it, I'm probably going to mess up at some point. Maybe multiple points. It's harder to drop this attitude I've been wearing like a mask for the last seventeen years than you'd think."
"I don't doubt that," she sighed, grimacing slightly at the memories of what that so-called mask resulted in for her and Lucas. "You wore that mask really well, Dan. You were fully immersed in it."
"I know," he agreed softly, "But I want to change that now. I think that's the only thing I'm asking for, that you give me the chance to change."
"That I can do," she agreed, again covering his hand with hers and squeezing it gently. "If you keep making my son happy, then I can definitely do that."
Somehow, she knew that was enough for him in that moment as it was for her. All the rest would come later if it was meant, and while she knew that this redemption Dan was seeking would not come easy for any of them, she was beginning to really believe that it might indeed come. That, too, was enough.