CHAPTER 6: A REAL HERO
By the time they headed down to Herbology, America had at least somewhat forgiven Harry and Ron for leaving him out of yet another adventure. Seriously, it was getting ridiculous how often he was left out. But he was just too happy to see them again to be really mad at them, and after the Howler Ron's mom had sent, he felt they'd received at least some punishment. They were getting detention, too. All these things combined meant that America was being a bit snippier than usual towards them, but he was talking to them, at least.
He, Canada, Harry, Ron and Hermione had only just joined the crowd waiting to get inside the greenhouses when Professor Sprout came striding into view, accompanied by Gilderoy Lockhart. America groaned and said to his friends, "Narcissist warning, twelve o'clock, dudes." They all looked round, and he was quite happy to see Canada, Harry and Ron all glare at the approaching teacher. Hermione, meanwhile, went a bit pink and started patting down her bushy hair. If she was trying to get it to lie down straight on her head, she was failing miserably.
"Oh, hello there!" Lockhart called, beaming around at the assembled students. America had to resist the urge to punch a teacher in the face. "Just been showing Professor Sprout the right way to doctor a Whomping Willow! But I don't want you running away with the idea that I'm better at Herbology than she is! I just happen to have met several of these exotic plants on my travels…"
"Greenhouse Three today, chaps!" said Professor Sprout, and America was quite pleased to see that the usually cheerful witch was just as annoyed by Lockhart as everyone else. He'd have to come up with a nickname for him… Snape was the bat-dude, Quirrell had become the turban-squirrell… hmm…
Everyone else started whispering amongst themselves about what they'd be doing in Greenhouse Three. They'd only been in Greenhouse One before. Three was supposed to be much more dangerous, and therefore more awesome. America almost hoped some vine-like plant would start strangling someone so he could be the hero and save them. But that would be bad, so it was only a half-hearted hope at most.
They were just heading in when Lockhart's voice had called out, "Harry! I've been wanting a word – you don't mind if he's a couple of minutes late, do you, Professor Sprout?" America looked back to see a very disgruntled-looking Harry being blocked from entering the greenhouse by one of Lockhart's turquoise-sleeved arms. Professor Sprout barely managed to give him more than a scowl before he said, "That's the ticket!" And he closed the greenhouse door in her face.
Harry didn't have to listen to Lockhart monologue for too long, thankfully. He returned before Professor Sprout started the lesson, with an expression that told America everything he needed to about how the conversation had gone. He'd just taken his place between America and Ron when Professor Sprout began the lesson. Apparently they'd be repotting Mandrakes, which, according to Hermione, could kill you with its voice. So it was rather understandable that they all had to put on some of the best noise-cancelling earmuffs America had ever seen. They completely blocked off outside sounds! If he could use the design to make headphones, he could make a fortune!
As it turned out, Mandrakes looked like small, dirty babies, but not nearly as cute. Professor Sprout showed them how to properly repot them, then gestured for them to take off the earmuffs and began talking again. These were just baby Mandrakes, it seemed, and their cries weren't at full strength yet, which was good. America knew that Hogwarts could be a bit… lax about the safety of its students, but having a bunch of twelve-year-olds dealing with fatal sonic attacks seemed a bit too much. They all formed groups of four. Harry, Ron and Hermione stayed in one group with a curly haired Hufflepuff boy whose name America didn't know, while America and Canada formed a group with Neville Longbottom and a Hufflepuff girl who introduced herself as Hannah Abbott. They didn't have much time to do more than introduce themselves, though, because they had to put on their earmuffs and begin their work. America was glad he'd managed to get Neville in his group. The boy was hopeless at most subjects, especially Potions, but he was a genius when it came to Herbology. Which was good, because dealing with normal human babies was difficult enough. Apparently they became even more bratty and ill-behaved when they were plants. America was pretty sure his finger would have been bitten clean off at one point if he'd been a normal human.
When class ended, everyone was sweaty and covered in what America really hoped was just dirt, so they all took quick showers before the Gryffindors headed to Transfiguration and the Hufflepuffs headed to wherever it was they were going.
Transfiguration was hard work. He'd been so busy catching up with friends and world events over the summer it seemed as if everything he'd ever learned during his first year had been deleted to leave more space in his brain. They were supposed to be turning a beetle into a button, but America had accidentally turned it into a TV-remote. Professor McGonagall hadn't been amused when he'd pointed out that he'd exceeded the instructions, because he'd turned the beetle into lots of buttons. Harry, meanwhile, was having trouble just getting his beetle to stand still long enough for him to try anything.
Neither of them were as bad as Ron, though. Apparently his wand had gotten broken during the whole flying car escapade, and had tried fixing it with tape, but he'd failed miserably. His wand kept crackling and sparking at weird moments, and every time he tried to transfigure his beetle they were all engulfed by thick grey smoke that smelled like rotten eggs. Unable to see what he was doing, he'd accidentally squashed the beetle with his elbow and had to ask for a new one. Professor McGonagall wasn't pleased.
By the time class was over, Harry had only managed to give his beetle plenty of exercise, Ron had probably given them all lung cancer, and America had turned his replacement beetles into a keyboard, a steering wheel, and a SNES controller. Professor McGonagall seemed more amazed than anything else. They were all rather relieved to hear the lunch bell.
Everyone filed out of the classroom except the three of them. Ron was hitting his defective wand against the desk. "Stupid… useless… thing…"
America sighed, trying to fit the steering wheel in his book-bag. "Dude, it's a wand, not a TV. I don't think whacking it will help."
"Write home for another one," suggested Harry. The wand had started letting out noises reminiscent of a firecracker, but without the visuals, sadly.
"Oh yeah, and get another Howler back," said Ron, stuffing the now hissing wand into his bag. "It's your own fault your wand got snapped-"
They all finally went to lunch. Ron's scowl only deepened when Hermione showed them all the handful of perfect coat buttons she'd managed to turn her beetles into. She'd been sitting at a different table, so she was quite amazed when America showed her the fruits of his labours. "How did you even do that?!"
America shrugged. "I dunno, dude. I was thinking of buttons, I guess."
"B-but that shouldn't even be possible! Transfiguring something as small as a beetle into something as large as a keyboard is very, very advanced magic!" Hermione was flabbergasted by America's apparent disregard for what he should be able to accomplish.
"I know, right! I tried to tell McGonagall that I should really get extra points, but she totally just glared at me."
"So, what've we got this afternoon?" asked Harry, trying to steer the conversation away from Transfiguration. America saw why when he saw how curiously bent Ron's fork had become in his fist.
"Defence Against the Dark Arts," said Hermione at once.
America groaned. "Ugh. Why is it that they always get such sucky teachers for hero class? There's no way Glinda the Sparkly Wizard is going to do a better job teaching us than the turban-squirrel."
Harry started sniggering, Hermione glared at him, and Ron just looked confused. "Huh? Glinda the Sparkly Wizard?" Oh, right, he'd grown up in a wizarding family. He'd never seen the Wizard of Oz.
"It's from an old movie called the Wizard of Oz," explained Hermione, still glaring at America. "And are you seriously comparing Professor Lockhart to a man who had You-Know-Who sticking out the back of his head?"
America paused in mock thought. "Hmm… Yeah, totally. You've read his books, right? I wasn't even able to get through the first chapter of the first one. It's all just him talking about how fabulous he is. I skipped ahead to the action scenes, but even those are horribly written and boring. It's impossible to build the proper suspense if you know that he survives without so much as a scar, dude."
Hermione stared at him incredulously. "Still, that's no reason to compare him to someone trying to bring You-Know-Who back to life!"
"Well, clearly we have different priorities!" Harry, Ron and Hermione were all staring at him now. He ignored them and continued, "On my list of despicable people who need the right-hook of justice, people pretending to be heroes are number one. Actual villains are number two." Now that she was distracted, America snatched the timetable from Hermione's hands and looked at it. "Also, dude, hearts? Seriously?"
Hermione blushed furiously and took the timetable back. They spent the rest of lunch in silence after that.
A/N: HUGS FOR EVERYONE! \(^-^)/ All right, I got one more question in the last batch of reviews. To Guest: No, I don't ship Ameripan. I think that they're great as friends. I ship Japan with Greece more, and now that I think about it, I don't really actively ship America with anyone. I'm feeling kind of tired right now, so I'm not feeling up to making a long Author's Note. NEXT CHAPTER: America goes through the first Defence Against the Dark Arts class of the year. See you all next time!