CHAPTER 7: PESKY PIXIES
When America went into the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom with Ron and Hermione, he saw Harry was already there, stacking all of his books so that he couldn't see Glinda the Sparkly Wizard. His blush had died down, but it was still present. America couldn't quite stifle a snigger and said, "Dude, I wish you could have seen your face! It was priceless!"
Ron was grinning as well. "You could've fried an egg on your face. You'd better hope Creevey doesn't meet Ginny, they'll be starting a Harry Potter fan club."
"Shut up," snapped Harry. He looked as if he wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole somewhere and hide for several years until no one remembered who he was.
America didn't have time to make any jokes, because Glinda had loudly cleared his throat to signal the start of class. America was torn between grief at hero class once again being ruined, and morbid fascination at just how badly the new guy would ruin it. The new guy picked up Neville's copy of Travels with Trolls and held it up to show his own, winking portrait on the front. "Me," he said, pointing at it and winking as well. No way, I never would have guessed, America thought mutinously. Glinda continued, "Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, third class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League and five times winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award – but I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon banshee by smiling at her!"
He waited for them to laugh; a few of the girls gave weak smiles. America was pleased to see he wasn't the only one to see how stupid their new teacher was. Glinda ignored this lackluster response and continued, "I see you've all bought a complete set of my books – well done." Yeah, we've probably doubled your sales. "I thought we'd start today with a little quiz." Great way to make a first impression. Not. "Nothing to worry about – just to check how well you've read them, how much you've taken in…" All I've taken in is that you're more narcissistic than Prussia, which I've actually got to commend you for, because none of us thought that was possible. When he handed out the test papers he returned to the front of the class and said, "You have thirty minutes. Start – now!"
America looked down at his paper and started filling in the answers. 1. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favourite colour? America answered with, Brown, to match the quality of his books. 2. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition? America answered with, To have his ego grow so large the planet collapses beneath the weight of it. 3. What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date? America answered with, Being more narcissistic than Gilbert. And so it went, over three sides of paper, until finally America arrived at the last question. 54. When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday, and what would his ideal gift be? America answered with, 66 Lockhartember (a 365-day month he created because the normal ones weren't good enough for him), and his ideal gift would be a clone of himself. There, that seemed to be satisfactory. He still had a bit of time left over, so he doodled a picture of the professor in Glinda the Good Witch's outfit in the margin.
Soon the half hour was up, and Lockhart collected in the papers and rifled through them in front of the class. "Tut, tut – hardly any of you remembered that my favourite colour is lilac. I say so in Year with a Yeti. And a few of you need to read Weekend with a Werewolf more carefully – I clearly state in chapter twelve that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all magic and non-magic peoples – though I wouldn't say no to a large bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhisky!"
He gave another of what he probably thought of as 'roguish' winks. America looked around to make sure he wasn't the only one shocked that someone like this actually existed outside of a fictional work. Sure enough, Ron was now staring at Lockhart with an expression of disbelief on his face, Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas, who were sitting in front, were shaking with silent laughter, and Harry was still hiding behind his stack of books, but was looking as amazed as America felt. Most of the girls, however, were listening to Glinda with rapt attention and vapid smiles. Hermione gave a start when he mentioned her name.
"… but Miss Hermione Granger knew my secret ambition is to rid the world of evil and market my own range of hair-care potions – good girl! In fact –" he flipped her paper over. "Full marks! Where is Miss Hermione Granger?"
Hermione raised a trembling hand and America did his very best not to facepalm.
"Excellent!" beamed Glinda. "Quite excellent! Take ten points for Gryffindor! And so, to business…" Wait, he actually had business he wanted to get to? America had assumed he'd given them that quiz because he hadn't planned a proper lesson, but had he actually asked them fifty-four questions about himself when he actually had something else he could have done instead?!
Glinda bent down behind his desk and lifted a large, covered cage onto it. Despite himself, America found himself growing excited. Maybe there was something super dangerous in there that needed to be defeated by the hero! "Now – be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizardkind! You may find yourselves facing your worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm can befall you whilst I am here. All I ask is that you remain calm." Even Harry seemed intrigued, peeking out behind his books to get a better look at the cage. Glinda placed a hand on the cover. Dean and Seamus had stoped laughing now. Neville was cowering in his front row seat. America tensed, preparing to leap forward to defend his fellow classmates from whatever Glinda the Sparkly Wizard was about to unleash upon them.
"I must ask you not to scream," he said in a low voice. "It might provoke them." As the whole class held its breath, Glinda whipped off the cover. "Yes. Freshly caught Cornish pixies." America didn't even bother resisting the urge to facepalm this time. Seamus Finnigan couldn't control himself either. He let out a snort of laughter which even Glinda couldn't mistake for a scream of terror. "Yes?" he smiled at Seamus.
"Well, they're not – they're not very – dangerous, are they?" Seamus choked.
"Don't be so sure!" said Glinda, waggling a finger at Seamus as if he were a naughty toddler who'd mistaken a toybox for a potty. "Devilish tricky little blighters they can be!" America looked at the pixies. Their shrill voices were a bit annoying, and they were making weird faces at the people in the front row, but they hardly seemed to belong in the category of 'foulest creatures known to wizardkind'. "Right then," Glinda said loudly. "Let's see what you make of them!" And he opened the cage.
The room immediately descended into chaos. The pixies, America quickly saw, were basically miniature blue versions of Peeves, but not ghosts, thankfully, so he could deal with them. He reached into his bag, pulling out the TV remote and SNES controller, and threw them with expert precision at the two pixies lifting Neville by the ears. The former beetles hit their targets, causing them to drop Neville. America managed to catch him before he hit the ground, giving him a grin and a heroic wink. He let Neville go and picked up the two pixies from where they were lying dazed on the ground. Neville went to hide under the nearest desk while America threw the pixies back into the cage.
"Yes, yes!" shouted Glinda, pointing at him. "Do what he's doing! Round them up, they're only pixies!" America rolled his eyes. Funny how suddenly they're 'only pixies'. Nobody else seemed willing to do anything (most of them were hiding under their desks, trying to avoid the carnage), so once again it seemed that it was up to America to save the day. Just the way he liked it.
Utilizing his Transfiguration mishaps and his Lockhart books, America slowly but surely rounded up the pixies who didn't fly out of the room. He had thrown the last one back into the cage just as the bell rang. He held up his arms in a V for victory. "HAVE NO FEAR, EVERYONE, THE HERO IS ONCE AGAIN VICTORIOUS!" Everyone (Glinda included) peeked out from the desks they were hiding under.
Glinda leapt to his feet, fixing his rumpled hair and robes. "Yes, yes, er, well done, Mr…?"
"Jones! Alfred F. Jones!" America was still too busy basking in his glory to make any jokes.
"Yes, well, Mr. Jones, take twenty points for Gryffindor!" Glinda put an arm around his shoulders. "See, everyone? If even Mr. Jones here can do it, so can all of you?"
As soon as the Sparkly Wizard made contact with him, America's good mood vanished. "GET YOUR HAND MY HEROIC SHOULDER, GLINDA THE SPARKLY WIZARD!" He shook off the offending arm and picked up his bag, looking over to where Harry, Ron and Hermione were all staring at him. "C'mon, faithful sidekicks, let's move on out to the next adventure!" With that he marched out of the room, Harry, Ron and Hermione scurrying behind him looking rather embarrassed, for some reason America couldn't fathom.
A/N: HUGS FOR EVERYONE! \(^-^)/ I don't really have anything to say about this chapter. I'm glad you guys liked Glinda the Sparkly Wizard! Let me know if you get tired of it, I feel I used it a lot in this chapter. Moving on to QUESTIONS! To 95Jezzica: England's been a bit out of touch with the magical community, but the Kirkland family would probably be known by the higher echelons of wizard society as an ancient, powerful, and secretive family. If my current tentative plans remain, I'll talk about it a bit more in later books. To issydragonheart: I don't want to give spoilers, so I'm afraid I can't answer that question. Sorry. :( I've got ideas on it, but I'm always open to suggestions, if there's someone any of you really want America or Canada to go to the Yule Ball with. To the wonderful Berlin: I was just joking about the whole Mad Scientist Hermione thing. :P And I usually just come up with Kumajiro's misnames as I'm writing. I think of either a word that sounds kind of like 'jiro' or make a reference to something. My brain works in strange ways sometimes. Looks like that's all the questions for now. Thank you all for being so wonderful and supportive! NEXT CHAPTER: Harry goes to Quidditch practice and receives an unwelcome surprise. See you all next time!