I quickly backed away from the door "Belikov"... "Belikov"... "As in Dimitri!?" I thought... he knows he knows I'm depressed? Alberta knows I'm depressed? Who else knows I'm depressed? "God Rose you're so stupid! All you had to do is pretend everything's normal, but you couldn't even do that now could you? Stupid, Stupid girl no wonder Dimitri left you" I flinched, he left me. He's gone, just like everyone I love. I ran back to my room, so fast the speed would match a strigoi, but I pushed on, and on until I reached my room, and even then I wanted to carry on running, away from Dimitri, away from my feelings, and away from my whole stupid messed up life. Tears were threatening to spill. I sighed. I plonked myself on my bed just concentrating on not crying and calming my nerves, not letting this overwhelming loneliness fills me up, I still had Lissa right? Ha! I laughed to myself yeah, if I can ever pull her away from Pyro, which was hardly ever, not that I blame her I wouldn't want to be around me at the moment either. "LISSA" I thought, oh shit she was meant to be coming over later to have our little 'talk', which by the way I was not looking forward to. I opened the bond a little more to see where she was, hopefully she forgot.
She was lying on Pyro's chest in the church attic, just content to listing to his steady breathing, "it calms me so much, she thought". "So how's Rose? I mean everyone by now has heard about Stans class, but I mean that's pretty normal for her, it's just she hasn't really been around a lot lately" Christian said, worry was evident into his voice. 'Poor boy probably just misses my banter' I thought. "Actually that reminds me I need to go see her, something's not right with her, ever since Guardian Belikov left she's not herself, and I'm quite worried" there was a long pause where both Lissa and Christian were thinking " I'm going to go see her now" Lissa said breaking the silence. I could tell as she was getting up that she didn't want to leave him, but she wanted to come and see me and check if I was alright. And so with that she gave Pyro a quick kiss and left. This is when I chosewhen to leave Lissa's head,I needed to prepare myself for my conversation with her, what was I going to say? Could I actually tell he what has happened? I questioned myself the whole time while I changed and washed my face, I'm sure it wouldn't help my situation if Lissa saw me as the mess that I was. Just as I had finished drying my just washed face with the same red towel I used to dry myself when I came out of the shower this morning, there was a knock at the door. 'Knock' 'knock' 'knock', three rapid knocks, but each of them scared the shit out of me. Lissa's out there. Not even trying to pretend that I wasn't here, because she knew I was, I grudge fully went and opened the door. There standing like the royal princess she was, it was Lissa. She wore a light pink track suit with a diamante crown on it. I knew she only wore track suits when she was too lazy to make an effort with her appearance, but she always looked regal, she didn't need to try.
I stepped aside giving her space to enter, no need asking her why she was here. I already knew. We both made ourselves comfy on my double bed. And now it was awkward. We both sat there in silence, wondering who would speak first. Well it certainly wouldn't be me I don't even want this conversation to happen, and so if I could postpone it a little longer I would. Call me a coward if you want, I don't care what anyone thinks of me, not anymore, I'm a new Rose. Lissa seemed to realise this because she said "trying to avoid this Rose is inevitable, I'm here and I will be here all night until I know what's happened. You're my sister Rose, I love you, please let me here for you like you were for me" she said in a soft voice, as if she thought I was going to break any minute, I don't blame her, I most probably do look breakable, because I most defiantly felt it. "I love you to Lissa" I said in a small voice "it's just so hard to talk, I feel like if I do I'm weak, I should be able to deal with it myself, in a few months I'm going to be a guardian, your life is going to be in my hands I need to be independent" and it wasn't until I said this to Lissa that I realised how true this really felt to me. I did feel the need to be independent and it was a lot of pressure. "Rose letting your feelings out doesn't make you dependable on anyone, and in fact it will make you stronger. I can see you really need to let this out, it won't make me think any less of you, I wouldn't judge you, I mean after my past who would I be to judge you? Please? Rose it's killing me seeing you like this. Tell me has someone hurt you? Because if they have I will make them pay" she said quite fiercely and I could tell through the bond that she meant it every word of it, and that's what's making it so hard for me not to tell her, I mean she's my best friend, why shouldn't I tell her? I sighed; life is always so difficult for me.
When I did eventually speak I was honestly surprised about what I said "Dimitri". Ouch. That hurt, even to say it, but the cat's out of the bag now. "Rose what about him? Are you worried about your mentoring? Because if so I can speak to Alberta she can find you a better mentor" I let out a breath "no Lissa I'm not worried about mentoring, I can take down almost anyone here" I said sadly, training just didn't hold the same meaning anymore, nothing did. I felt confusion sweep through the bond "w...What do you mean 'Dimitri' then Rose? I honestly don't understand" I sucked in a breath "I love him" I said blankly, no need to say anything else the words hold all the meaning I need. "No Lissa, as in I'm IN love with him" I said, sensing her next question. Silence, and lots of it. Lissa didn't know what to say, she didn't have a clue how to handle this. "Maybe she's joking" she thought "or maybe she's delusional, I mean he's a guardian he can't possible feel the same... n...Not that Rose is unlovable it's just he's A GUARDIAN" she was incredibly confused; my head was actually hurting because of her thinking.
"He felt the same" I announced, just trying to shut up all her thinking, the headache wasn't doing any good for my mood. That's when I realised what I said was wrong, HE didn't love me, he never loved me-he wouldn't have left otherwise, he used me. My heart sunk at the thought and at the memory. "Well at least I thought he did, until he l...l...Left me" I said, my voice breaking at the end. What can I say? Truth hurts. Alot. "He used me". Uncontrollable sobs started to rack my body and once I started I just couldn't stop. This seemed to shock Lissa out her own little world and she leant forward and hugged me and so I just cried and cried until I ran out of tears, but even then I was whimpering, and Lissa just carried on stroking my hair and comforting me.
After a while when I began to tire, Lissa broke the silence and said "Rose I'm not going to pretend I understand, or that I'm not hurt that you didn't tell me this sooner, but I love you, you are my sister and so I'm here for you one-hundred and ten percent. Now I'm not going to push you into telling me more because it quite obviously still raw, and hard to talk about but when you are ready I'm here" she hugged me tighter "now sleep Rose I'm not leaving you tonight" she said soothingly but then I realised something "but Lissa you could get caught" I said meaning for it to come out strong but it just came out weak and needy. "I don't care your my best friend and you need me, if they don't like it well then they can go suck eggs" she said determined to stay, and to be frank she sounded a lot like me, I let out a light chuckle and said "I think I'm rubbing off on you Liss" as I fell into my deep slumber of sleep.