Hey guys yes I am alive :) I know it's been forever since I've last updated and I'm sorry about that. Life has been really hectic. Anyway a few of you didn't like the other

chapter 13 that I posted so I've re-written if for you guys. I don't know when I will next be able to update, like I said life is hectic but enjoy :)

After sneaking out of the medical clinic, I escorted Lissa back to her dorm, because she didn't look that healthy after all that healing so it was the least I could do.

Overall I think my mood has improved dramatically, and one thing is for sure, Dimitri won't die, and that was something defiantly to be happy about, even if he does end up

hating me, and even though that would kill me it's still better than him being dead.

Once Lissa was safely in her room asleep, I started to wander around campus, I knew for sure I wouldn't be able to sleep after today's events, so I needed to find something to

focus my mind on, instead of Dimitri's bloody and battered body. Oh god... It makes my heart sink, just thinking about it. The strong, loving, caring, man I knew was lying in

that hospital bed teetering on the brink of death because of me! I'm such a horrible person

So I just ended up walking around campus, I enjoyed the sun. I never really got to see it much because of having to stick to a vampire schedule to care for Lissa. I sigh. Lissa, I

know I shouldn't feel resentful towards her, but I can't help it, it's because of the darkness seeps into me, it's because of her I can't be with Dimitri, and it's because of her I

could quite possibly die before I'm the age of twenty! Everything is because of her! And this stupid bond as well! I mean like I really want to see and feel her getting hot and

heavy with Christian. I sigh again, I know what's happening, and it's the darkness again! For Lissa healing Dimitri, and now I have to pay the price. Like always!

I can feel this sudden burn to punch something, or someone, just needing to vent out this darkness somehow.

So this is when I find myself sprinting off towards the gym, trying to find that release. Faster and faster I kept pushing myself, I can't get there quick enough. Once there I slam

the doors open and run to the first thing I see I can punch. A punching bag.

Not bothering to put gloves on, I punch and kick the thing until it feels as bad as I do, and still by then it couldn't feel the pain and anguish I'm going through. No one does. The

emotional pain hurts so much, far more than the physical pain I'm receiving from punching this thing without any gloves on.

Now I know why Lissa use to cut herself, it's the physical pain that distracts from the emotional pain, and at this moment in time, I couldn't distract myself enough.

Even though the punching bag was smashed to pieces, it wasn't enough to block out the pain and the thoughts. So I moved on to a practise dummy, to beat the living daylights

out of it.

I'm never going to let anyone get that close to me ever again, all it does is bring pain and misery. So from now on I vowel to myself to be the best that I can be, I'm going to be

the best guardian the world has ever seen. I'm going to be better than the famous Jannine Hathaway, I'm going to be so bad ass that I will put her to shame and then maybe

she will be proud of me, but I highly doubt that she's top far stuck up her own ass. But most importantly I'm going to be better than Dimitri Belikov, I'm going to be so strong

that he won't ever be able to hurt me ever again.

Finally after however long it was I was in the gym, I felt the darkness leave my body. And oh boy did I hurt? My muscles hurt, and felt strained, which was probably from not

warming up, I felt dizzy from all the exercise and well my hands hurt like a bitch! My whole body was shaking from the ordeal, and so I did the best thing to do in them

situations. I cried. I cried so hard, I just let all the pain and suffering I feel out as I collapsed on to my hands and knees. Then I threw up, again.

So here I am lying on the floor in the middle of the gym, my body's shaking, my hands are bleeding, and I'm throwing up. Great. I think this is how my life is going to turn out,

always an uphill struggle; I'm just not sure if it's worth struggling for. And just when I thought things can't get any worse, the gym doors slam open, making a huge bang in the

process, and even then I can't find the strength to look up at the intruder.

"Rose?" the sweet Russian accent asks as he makes his way over to me, before I could say anything, he already had me in his arms, whispering sweet nothings in Russian to me.

And I know I vowed to stay away from him, but at this point I don't care. I can't always be other people's rocks, I do need a rock of my own, to have a shoulder to cry on, or to

tell me everything's going to be alright when it's not, and here is my rock. Dimitri, at this point I don't care that he left me, or that only a few hours ago me and Lissa beat the

shit out of him, all I care is that he is here.

"Rose, Rose are you okay?" he said in a panicked whisper to me, but I couldn't find the strength to reply, so I just cried some more.

The night just carried on like this, until there were no more tears to cry, so I settled for whimpering instead. "Rose, people are going to be here soon, we better get you up to

your room before people see you like this" he said softly as he slowly tried to get me to stand, but my legs felt like jelly, and I couldn't muster up the strength to stand.

Suddenly Dimitri said something really loud in Russian, and it didn't sound complementary, this startled me into looking at him, but his eyes were on my bleeding, bruised,

swelled hands. His face contained a lot of worry, concern, and anxiety. Then it was if he could feel my eyes on him, he looked up to me straight into my eyes, and oh god I think

my insides were going to melt like butter, it's just the way he looked at me sent me all soft inside, his eyes contained so many emotions, it shocked me, and the most dominant

one? Well it was love.

"Rose, how did you do this?" he said returning his eyes back to my hands. Still too shocked by today's events I just turned my gaze to the broken and beat up equipment in the

gym, and to say he was shocked would be an underestimation "You did this Rose?" he asked in absolute disbelief. The way he said it made me feel bad, I just destroyed

equipment, so I just nodded my head shamefully, "Li...Lissa's darkness after... healing you" I let out a sob "it was so hard" I said quietly "it hurts so bad Dimitri, I don't know

what to do with myself, I'm a horrible person" I said as I started to cry again.

"shh Rose, it's okay, I knew it was the darkness, , now can you stand for me please? We need to fix up your hands" he said softly, this made me cry more, he shouldn't be so

caring towards me! I'm a monster, but like he said, I most defiantly don't want people to see me like this, so with a little help from Dimitri, I was now wobbly on my feet.

Dimitri, carefully put his arm around my waist and led me into the office, and grabbed something, then carefully, walked me to my room. As we walked outside, the cold wind hit

me, and I stopped in shock of how cold it was. My body then involuntary let out a shiver. The sun was now just starting to go down, so that was signalling that the students

would be waking up soon, and that means I've now missed the night and am not going to have another chance to sleep.

Suddenly Dimitri removed his hand from my waist and shrugged his duster off, and placed it round my shoulders. Hmm I thought, he must have noticed that shiver, I sighed at

the smell that was radiating off his coat, which automatically calmed me down. "But... But you will be cold" I said looking at the floor; I just can't face looking at him at the

moment knowing what I did to him. "That doesn't matter, come on let's get you back to your dorm" he said, as he carefully slipped his arm around my waist.

Slowly but surely we made it back to my room, without anyone seeing us, not that I cared, I just can't be bothered to care about anything or anyone (excluding Lissa or Dimitri).

Dimitri opened my Dorm with his master key, and walked in, followed by me. "go sit down" he said softly to me, so I complied happily because I just can't be bothered to argue,

staying up all night has taken it's tole on me and, well I must admit, I'm getting pretty tired now, so I just laid on my bed hoping to be able to catch some Z's "no sorry Rose, I

know you must be tired but we need to get your hands cleaned up" Dimitri said in his mentor voice, sitting on my bed and grabbing my arm, carefully pulling me up.

Again I didn't argue, I just let myself be pulled and cleaned up by Dimitri like a doll, only moving when he gave me a little tug .

Dimitri then cleaned me up, without saying a word, which I was okay with. Then once he had finished he gave each of my hands, which now had bandages on he placed a small

kiss on them before saying "Now sleep, everything will be alright my love, just rest" he said smoothly, and I didn't need to be told twice, I was pulled into a deep oblivion as soon

as my head hit the pillow.

I woke up sweating and panting unable to breath. A nightmare. It felt so real, all the blackness and loneliness, oh god it surrounded me like a blanket. Unable to shake the

feeling of the nightmare, I went into my bathroom and splashed some cold water on my face. What's wrong with me? Life use to be so perfect and now I can't even control

myself, I'm starting to feel lost inside myself, I can't recognise myself anymore, on the outside I may look the same, but on the inside I'm just struggling to be sane.

I made my way back into my room, and glanced at the clock, God! That time already, I slept through the whole day and night, and now its 6am, wow I must have really needed

that sleep I thought. Oh well I might as well get a head start in getting dressed. But as I glanced down I noticed my hands were still wrapped in bandages, strange I thought,

wouldn't I have noticed the pain before now? Oh well I just proceeded to take them off so I could have a shower. I gasped! The blisters, cuts, and swellings had all gone! My

hands were normal, wouldn't they have taken longer? Oh well that stuff Dimitri put on them must have really worked, not that I minded.

After taking off the bandages I went to go take a shower, still trying to shake off the thought of that horrible nightmare, and hopefully be ready for class on time, although I

highly doubt that. I'm Rose Hathaway, and a leopard can't change its spots.

So I know Rose and Dimitri didn't have the 'big talk' yet and there's a delebrate reason for that. However also Dimitri was so worried when he saw Rose like

that, that it didn't matter about early events. Hope I haven't confused you :)