CHAPTER 22: SNAKE ATTACKS TEND TO DO THAT TO A MEETING

America hadn't been super hopeful when he'd sent the letter to England, but England's response was even less helpful than he'd been expecting.

Alfred,

You probably wouldn't understand why I can't tell you anything. Let's just say I made a promise to someone a very long time ago. As for this plan of yours, I'm impressed that Miss Granger can make Polyjuice Potion. It's rather advanced potionmaking. I'm not sorry to inform you that Draco Malfoy probably isn't the Heir of Slytherin. If the Malfoys knew that they were related to Salazar Slytherin, they'd probably be shouting it from the rooftops. This whole adventure most likely will get you nowhere. But you're going to do it anyway, so I don't know why I'm even bothering.

The only advice I can really give you is to make sure Harry is safe. You don't seem to be doing a very good job of it if he's already been horribly injured, so see if you can crank it up a notch.

Sincerely,

Arthur.

P.S. You managing to upgrade the brooms is slightly impressive.

The postscript perked America up, at least. Compared to the feedback England usually gave him, 'slightly impressive' might as well be a gold-plated certificate of excellence. As for the rest of the letter, America was a bit annoyed that England seemed to be blaming him for that whole Bludger thing. How was he supposed to stop that? He'd been enchanting the brooms, not the balls! And what did he know about the Malfoys? Maybe they kept their Slytherin lineage secret precisely so that they could open the Chamber without anyone suspecting them! Yeah, that was probably it! Or maybe they didn't actually know, and Draco had opened it accidentally. But, wait, it had been opened fifty years ago, so maybe his dad discovered it or something, and then told him… There were all sorts of explanations that meant Draco Malfoy could be the Heir of Slytherin!

And so America remained undeterred from his course. He assisted Harry, Ron and Hermione in stealing some necessary supplies from Snape's secret stores without a doubt in his mind that he was doing the right thing. He didn't keep super close tabs on the Mission Impossible mask-potion, though, what with the ghost and all.

One week after that burglary, something else of interest happened. The Hogwarts staff, feeling that having a monster sneaking around the school Petrifying their students could be dangerous, had started a Duelling Club. America immediately signed up, of course, and that evening he, Canada, and what America had started referring to in his head as the Golden Trio, hurried into the Great Hall, looking forward to learning how to possibly fight off Slytherin's monster.

"I wonder who'll be teaching us?" said Hermione, as America cleared a path for them through the chattering crowd. "Someone told me Flitwick was a duelling champion when he was young, maybe it'll be him."

"As long as it's not-" Harry cut himself off with a groan, just as America did the same. Glinda the Sparkly Wizard was walking onto the stage, resplendent in robes of purple and accompanied by none other than the Bat-Dude.

Glinda waved an arm for silence and called, "Gather round, gather round! Can everyone see me? Can you all hear me? Excellent!" I wouldn't call being able to hear you excellent. "Now, Professor Dumbledore has granted me permission to start this little duelling club, to train you all in case you ever need to defend yourselves as I myself have done on countless occasions – for full details, see my published works." Which we all own because you forced us to buy it, jackass. "Let me introduce my assistant Professor Snape. He tells me he knows a tiny little bit about duelling himself and has sportingly agreed to help me with a short demonstration before we begin." He probably just wanted to curse you and steal your job. "Now, I don't want any of you youngsters to worry – you'll still have your Potions master when I'm through with him, never fear!" It's not him we're worried about. Actually, we aren't worried at all. We're all hoping you kill each other off. We'll probably throw a party afterwards.

"Alfred, you do realize you're saying all this out loud, right?" Ron muttered into America's ear.

America jumped. "What? I was? Oh. Whoopsie." He made an effort to better differentiate inner and outer monologues.

"Can't say I disagree with you, though," Ron admitted, his expression devoid of any kind of shame.

It seemed like whatever demonstration Glinda had wanted to give was starting. He and the Bat-Dude turned to face each other and bowed; at least, Glinda did, with a so much twirling of his hands even Italy would be amazed, whereas the Bat-Dude jerked his head irritably. The expression on his large-nosed face was reminiscent of Sweden, as in it was scary enough to make just about anyone want to run in the opposite direction while crying for their mother. Then they both raised their wands like swords in front of them, and America found himself getting excited at the prospect of Glinda getting horribly maimed.

"As you see, we are holding our wands in the accepted combative position," Glinda told the silent crowd. "On the count of three, we will cast our first spells. Neither of us will be aiming to kill, of course."

"Speak for yourself, eh," Canada murmured, his eyes fixed on the Bat-Dude's expression, which was getting dangerously close to Russia's when he was legitimately angry. If it got all the way there, America was leaving before he got caught in the blast of whatever horrifying Dark Magic was on the way.

"One – two – three –" Both of them swung their wands up and over their shoulders in a way that seemed overly theatrical. Snape cried: "Expelliarmus!" There was a dazzling flash of scarlet light and Glinda was blasted off his extravagantly-clad feet: he flew backwards off the stage, smashed into the wall and slid down it to sprawl on the floor.

America cheered, though he stopped as soon as he realized Malfoy was doing the same thing. Hermione was dancing on tip-toes. "Do you think he's all right?" she squealed through her fingers.

"Who cares?" said America, Harry and Ron together. America grinned at them. "Dudes, we're in sync! Insensitivity five!" He held up his hands for a high-five and received nothing but weird looks from the two of them. He glanced over at where Glinda had fallen. "Aw, man, he's getting back up." Sure enough, the Sparkly Wizard was getting unsteadily to his feet. At least his hat had fallen off and his hair was messed up.

"Well, there you have it!" he said, tottering back onto the platform. "That was a Disarming Charm – as you see, I've lost my wand – ah, thank you, Mr. Jones." America shot a glare at Canada, who winced and mouthed, 'Sorry. Reflex.' Glinda continued, "Yes, an excellent idea to show them that, Professor Snape, but if you don't mind my saying so, it was very obvious what you were about to do. If I had wanted to stop you it would have been only too easy. However, I felt it would be instructive to let them see…" Uh-huh. Of course you did. Snape was a hair's breadth away from angry-Russia mode, and even Glinda seemed to notice, because he said, "Enough demonstrating! I'm going to come amongst you now and put you all into pairs. Professor Snape, if you'd like to help me…"

They moved through the crowd, matching up partners. Canada, for some unfathomable reason, began inching away from America. The Bat-Dude reached the five of them before Glinda, and America knew that things were going to end badly. He was proven right when he started off by sneering, "Time to split up the dream team, I think. Weasley, you can partner Finnigan. Potter-" Harry moved towards Hermione. "I don't think so. Mr. Malfoy, come over here. Let's see what you make of the famous Potter. And you, Miss Granger – you can partner Miss Bulstrode. As for you, Mr. Jones…"

Before the Bat-Dude could get any further America grabbed Canada's arm. It was nearly out of range. "I'm gonna partner with Mattie!" Canada made a weird noise in his throat that sounded like a whimper. Why would he be whimpering? They did stuff like this all the time! It would be just like that time they played catch together!

The Bat-Dude gave Canada a searching look and smiled nastily. "Yes, I suppose that will do. Off you go." And he flapped off to swoop down upon his next unwitting prey.

America grinned at Canada, who had gone very pale for some reason. "C'mon, bro! It'll be just like playing catch!"

Canada whispered something that sounded suspiciously like, "That's what I'm afraid of, eh."

"What was that, bro? I couldn't hear you."

"Oh, eh, nothing."

"Face your partners!" called Glinda, back on the platform, "And bow!" America and Canada bowed to each other. Canada seemed to be shaking. Why was he acting so weird? "Wands at the ready!" shouted Glinda. "When I count to three, cast your charms to disarm your opponent – only to disarm them – we don't want any accidents. One… two… three…"

America moved first. "Expelliarmus!" he yelled, imitating Snape's wand movements. It seemed he performed the spell correctly the first time, which was an unprecedented incident that really deserved a cake or something. Canada's wand went flying out of his hand, and he was knocked to the ground. There was a nearby yelp of pain. "Oh, crap, sorry Neville!" He ran over to where Neville had been knocked to the ground by the impact of Canada's flying wand. As he did so he had to duck down to avoid a jet of what was definitely not a Disarming spell. It seemed that quite a few of the practice duels had turned into real ones, with the participants exchanging the worst jinxes they knew.

Glinda, for once, seemed to read the mood of the room. "I said disarm only!" he shouted in alarm. The room had become a battlefield. America found his progress back to Canada impeded by jinxes flying through the air and the sprawled limbs of people who had been knocked to the floor. "Stop! Stop!" screamed Glinda, but the Bat-Dude took charge.

"Finite Incantatem!" he shouted. The Hall went quiet. A haze of greenish smoke was hovering over the scene. All around, people were recovering from whatever jinx they had been under when the Bat-Dude came in to save the day. Harry and Malfoy in particular were still glaring daggers at each other, and Millicent Bulstrode had a whimpering Hermione in a headlock. America tossed Canada his wand and went over to rescue her. The strength he used to pull Hermione free had to be carefully calculated; on the one hand, he couldn't let his superhuman strength show. On the other hand, Millicent Bulstrode was goddamn strong.

"I think I'd better teach you how to block unfriendly spells," said Glinda, standing flustered in the midst of the hall. He glanced at Snape, whose black eyes glinted, and looked quickly away. "Let's have a volunteer pair -" His eyes landed on America. "Jones and… er… the other Jones, how about you?"

"OH, PLEASE GOD, NO!" Canada's frightened yelp took everyone by surprise. Upon noticing everyone's eyes on him, his cheeks coloured and he coughed rather awkwardly into his hand before saying, "Eh, I mean, I'd rather not, sir." America stared at him. Seriously, what was up with Canada today? He was acting so weird.

"How about Malfoy and Potter?" suggested Snape with a twisted smile.

What followed was not what America had been expecting. It had gone well enough at first – Glinda was inept as always, while the Bat-Dude was as sinister as always. Malfoy most definitely did not cast a Disarming spell, opting instead to summon a snake. Glinda's efforts to de-summon it only resulted in it getting angrier, and it started eyeing a Hufflepuff in the front row (was it Jason? Jason Parakeet-Arrow? America couldn't remember). Then Harry spoke to the snake. At first America thought he'd just gotten something stuck in his throat and was trying to dislodge it, but the snake listened and backed away. Despite no longer being faced with the possibility of having his face bitten off by a snake, Jason or whatever his name was stared at Harry as though he'd just pushed a gun in his face and yelled at him before storming off. America would have assumed he was just a jerk and ignored him, but everyone else seemed to be staring at Harry in shock and horror, too. The Bat-Dude de-summoned the snake, and the first and last session of Duelling Club ended very awkwardly.

A/N: I seem to be slipping a bit regarding the whole daily updates thing... sorry, everyone. But, on the bright side, CHRISTMAS BREAK! WOOT! HUGS FOR EVERYONE! \(^-^)/ Okay, time for Q&A! To SilentMoonLace13: I accept your apology and cookies. OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM! If Italy shows up, he'd probably drag Germany with him. The GerIta would probably be subtle, since I don't really like writing super romantic kissy stuff. But I'm sure if you squinted you could see it! I love those two. To Berlin: I completely understand. That happens to me a lot, too. Thanks for the suggestion regarding channels! I tend to forget about these kinds of things, but I'll try to remember to check them out! Moms can be kind of annoying... Ah, well, keep your chin up! You've got a computer, right? There are enough good games for computers to last a lifetime! And it's fine not having an account! I'll just have to make sure to fast-approve your reviews so everyone can see you heap praises upon me faster! XP Oh, and for the actual question, I guess Germany. Prussia and Austria would probably give me some help. To Ahdaze: Aaaand the shipping questions return. Oh boy. As I've said before, I'm not really that much of a shipper, and I don't actively ship America with anyone. But I guess if I had to choose one from the list you gave me, I'd choose RusAme. "Shall I make your gums bleed a bit", anyone? To SoulxMakaLover37: I do a kind-of-sort-of homeschooling thing, so my schedule leaves a lot more time for writing. I) Oh... um... America about Dragon Age? But only after I play Inquisition! I don't want spoilers! II) You mean like leaving your notebook somewhere? It would really depend on what the place was. If it was somewhere with a lost & found bin, I'd probably check there. If it's a store or restaurant or somewhere like that, I might ask the employees (or at least I would if I were more social). Or give the place a call and see if they know anything... Getting lost property back is difficult. III) Now that I think about it, they didn't spoil TOO much. Basically, what I know is that Katniss and Peeta win the Hunger Games together because they were about to eat poisoned berries, Katniss ends up with Peeta, not Gale, and towards the end of Mockingjay pretty much every named character gets killed off horribly. As I said, I might just skip over Mockingjay. IV) I imagine France would at first be like 'WTF?', then like, "Ah, a red envelope, it must be a love letter!" Then he'd open it and be like "What ze 'ell, Angleterre, I didn't even do anyzing!" V) 42. It is the answer to everything. VI) Yup, that would definitely happen. Good thing it didn't. VII) Babysit Russia. He strikes me as the kind of guy where if someone is nice to him, he'll be nice back. I'd just have to make sure not to unintentionally insult him. OMMMMMM! NEXT CHAPTER: Canada finds out that even Hufflepuffs can be mean. See you all next time!