AN: Sorry it took so long to update. I needed to take a couple days off from writing. And then this one just took a while for me to finish. But here it is, and a fairly long one to boot.
Somehow Olivia had managed to fall into a fitful doze, the terse hours of waiting and events from the last several days finally coming to a head. But it didn't last, Olivia jerked awake suddenly. Blinking, at first she wasn't sure what had pulled her sharply back to consciousness.
The others were on their feet, staring intently at the door. She saw somone race by the small windows in a blur. And she could hear at least a couple more people coming. Too stunned to react, she could only watch as Jack burst out of the room, grabbing one of the approaching medics.
"What's going on?" She heard him demand.
The man extricated himself from Jack's one-handed grasp. "I have to go, sir."
"For crying out loud, throw me a bone!" Jack called angrily. The man did not respond as he disappeared through the other door.
"What's happening?" Daniel asked as Jack came back in. He let the door slam heavily against the wall.
"How the hell should I know? Nothing good, that's for sure."
Olivia was standing now, not sure what else to do with herself. They were all perfectly aware that something was going on with Sam, all they didn't know were the details. It was impossible for her to stand still. Nervous energy had Olivia pacing in the corners, the excess causing her to tremble as it seemed to leak from her very pores. The others were equally consumed by their own worry.
Olivia kept looking over to the door, waiting for someone to come through.
She lost track of time almost immediately. The numbers on the clock lost all meaning. It could have been five minutes or five hours, or anything in between, and she wouldn't have been the wiser.
"She's ok," Daniel said, breaking the silence. His voice had no conviction. For a moment they all stared at him, but no one responded. Olivia wanted to believe what he said, wished that she could, but all she could see was the worst. Her stomach was in knots.
The sound of a door opening in the hallway had everyone tense even more than they already were. Olivia's hands clenched into fists at her side. Seconds dragged on as they waited for someone to appear. As they stretched longer and longer, Olivia started to believe it was a false alarm.
When the familiar mess of red hair approached the small windows of the door, Olivia froze. Her heart seemed to stop and her lungs refused to work. Now that someone was actually there to give them news, she was no longer certain that she wanted to hear it.
But it was too late to run away. Olivia could only watch on helplessly as the petit woman entered the room. Unfortunately, the doctor's expression held no clue as to what words were going to come from her. Janet's gaze fell on each of them briefly.
"Doc?" Jack prompted.
She didn't immediately respond. Daniel's voice pleaded for answers. "Janet?"
Olivia bit her lip.
"Sam went into cardiac arrest," Janet began.
"No," Olivia little more than mouthed the word. Janet was looking at her, and she saw the doctor's professional facade begin to crack. Janet quickly looked away to Jack, but the damage had already been done. Her eyes grew bright with unshed tears.
"We couldn't get her heart started again. I..." Janet couldn't finish.
"Oh, God," Daniel choked out.
"No," Olivia repeated, only slightly louder than the first time. She started shaking. Unsteady legs tried to back her away, as though distance could somehow protect her. Olivia staggered as she knocked against the corner of a chair, and came to an abrupt halt as she reached the wall. A string of 'nos' escaped her mouth as she slid bonelessly to the floor.
"Olivia?" Daniel said as he came over.
Tears slid down her face. When Daniel touched her shoulder, Olivia screamed.
"Olivia!" Daniel shook her and her eyes snapped open. Olivia's eyes prickled with the tears that streaked down her face. She gasped for breath, her heart going at what felt like a thousand beats per minute. Olivia choked back a heavy sob. His voice softened. "Olivia, wake up. You were having a nightmare."
It took her a moment to understand him. "Sam?"
"Still no change," Jack said. He and Teal'c stood nearby, visibly concerned, as was Daniel.
Olivia started crying again in relief. "Oh, thank God."
"Olivia Benson, are you injured?" Teal'c asked.
She didn't notice the sore spots until he asked, and realized that she had managed to fall out of the chair she had been sleeping in. Still, it was nothing serious. "I'm ok."
But now she was self-conscious of her tears, quickly swabbing them back. Knowing that she was reacting that way to a dream made her feel foolish. She stood quickly. Olivia looked up at the clock on the wall in an attempt to distract herself. It was now three in the morning, nearly a full day had passed since they found Sam. Janet came out every now and then, but had had little to say. Sam's vitals were remaining in acceptable levels, so at least the news was on the positive side.
Olivia had meekly accepted a cup of water that Teal'c had gotten for her when Janet entered the waiting room once more. She spoke before they could worry about the news.
"Since I know none of you will be able to get anything resembling real rest until you see Sam, I'll let you go in now."
Unable to clap his own hands together, Jack settled for slapping Teal'c's shoulder enthusiastically. "'Bout time, doc."
"Only for a few minutes," Janet quickly added. "I don't need you getting underfoot of my people."
Jack raised one arm in surrender. They all followed the doctor anxiously. Olivia ducked around the others when they entered the commandeered ICU room. No one spoke for a while as they took in Sam's condition.
She had been cleaned up, which served to highlight her palor against the sheets. The physical toll was plainly evident. Sunken features from not eating, dark circles from fatigue. Everything combined with the IVs and oxygen mask made Sam look every bit as sick as she was.
Teal'c acted first, stepping foward. He reached out with his right hand, his fingertips barely grazing against Sam's forhead. Olivia watched his head tilt down. He whispered something under his breath. Olivia could only make out enough to be fairly sure it wasn't English. Reverently, he pulled his hand away, moving off to the side.
Jack scratched at the back of his head awkwardly as he stepped forward. Unsure, he finally settled on clasping her shoulder. He sighed. "C'mon, Carter."
He patted her shoulder a couple times, clearly hesitant to move. Finally, reluctantly, he did.
Daniel didn't speak. He simply grabbed one of Sam's hand in both of his. Olivia could see him fighting against the emotions within.
Olivia hesitated. She would have been the first one forward, needing to touch Sam herself to dispel the remnants of that awful dream, but she didn't know how she could possibly leave after. After all the waiting, Olivia couldn't fathom putting walls in between them again. So she stood where she was, staring at Sam, conflicted.
"Doc..." Jack began, about to ask for something. Olivia wasn't really listening.
Janet shook her head. "I already told you, Colonel."
"But one person wouldn't get in the way that much, would they?"
Olivia didn't see him nod in her direction. Nor did she see Janet's responding frown. They both could see the emotions playing on the edges of her face. She remained oblivious.
Janet was only slightly hesitant. "All right, one person can stay."
Olivia started when Jack touched her shoulder. She stared at him in confusion.
"Keep an eye on her for us, ok?" he said.
She couldn't fathom why he'd want her to do that. Hadn't she failed once already? But Olivia was too stunned to put her doubts into words.
Jack smiled tightly in response. What was that she saw? Guilt? Quickly masked by that weird O'Neill humor she was starting to get used to. "I manage to wheedle this deal out of the doc here, and you're just going to stare at me like I grew a second head?" He made a play at searching his ruined shirt. "Do I really need to sew a patch that says 'colonel' on this thing before anyone starts taking me seriously?"
"But..." Olivia began, and then quickly shut her mouth. She only just realized that winning this discussion wasn't in her best interest. The last thing she wanted was to lose this opportunity he was very squarely laying in her lap. Olivia could question motives all she wanted to afterwards.
Seeing that he had finally won, Jack nodded in approval. "Good girl."
Janet cleared her throat.
Jack looked down at his wrist. "Oh, my, look at the time. We really had best be going."
She watched them file out-knowing that, despite the bluster, it was at least as hard for them to do as it would be for her. And she found herself understanding his decision even less. He had read her, saw exactly what she needed, and given it to her. Olivia didn't feel she deserved the kindness.
"I'll go see if I can find you a chair that can be called vaguely comfortable," Janet said before she left.
Olivia came back into the moment. She turned back to Sam, nearly unable to move now that the moment had come. Her legs felt like lead as she forced herself to slowly move forward. When she was next to the bed, her hand paused midway out towards Sam. Sucking in a shakey breath, Olivia took Sam's wrist.
She felt the warmth radiating softly from Sam's skin. She saw the gentle rise and fall of Sam's chest. It hit her harder than she could have imagined. The air rushed out of her lungs as though she had been sucker punched. Olivia's eyes burned. When she finally managed to suck in a breath, she let out a gut wrenching sob.
A small part of her brain was still capable of being relieved not to have an audience for her display. And now that she had started, Olivia couldn't make herself stop. She bent over, still clutching Sam's wrist, her short hair brushing against Sam's arm as she rested her head against the mattress. Her sobs had gone silent, but her body still shook with each one. So completely overwhelmed, Olivia had no idea what she was feeling.
She barely notices Janet's presence, placing a chair behind her shaking legs and guiding her into it. The doctor disappeared just as quietly.