CHAPTER 34: SOME PUN INVOLVING ACROMANTULAS
Canada was glad Harry had made their rendezvous time so late. With nowhere else to go, the Hufflepuff common room often stayed very full for very long nowadays. He was fairly sure he would be able to sneak out without notice no matter how full the room was, but he didn't want to take any chances. There was no way he was letting his friends and America go into the dangerous woods at night looking for something Hagrid had suggested they look for. Hagrid was a really, really, really good person, but his taste in pets was on the dangerous side.
So Canada sat in a fairly unpopulated corner and waited for midnight. When the hands of the clock were both pointing upwards, the last of the room's occupants, a group of rowdy sixth-years, finally went to bed. Being as quiet and invisible as possible, Canada beckoned to Kumagelato to follow him and snuck out into the school.
Once again, all the teachers, prefects and ghosts patrolling the halls looking for anything out of the ordinary completely ignored the second-year being followed by a polar bear. He made his way to the Entrance Hall easily and sat down on one of the benches. He checked his watch. They should be here any second now… I should probably try to be visible now. But what if someone comes in and sees me? Then America and Harry and Ron would have to go on without me, and I just know America would do something reckless and possibly get Harry and Ron killed. Nobody wants that to happen. But if I stay invisible, then they might not notice me and go off on their own anyway. Maple leaf, why does life have to be so difficult?
He was soon saved from this internal debate when a familiar voice stage-whispered, "Bro, we're here? Where are you?"
Picking Kumajimmy up, Canada made his way over to America's voice. "I'm right here, eh."
There was a strange rippling in the air as America lifted up the Invisibility Cloak. Great. Another walk full of Ron's halitosis and trying not to trip on anyone's feet. Pushing down his qualms on the subject, Canada ducked underneath the Cloak and tried to breathe as little as possible. As they made their way across the darkened grounds, Ron said shakily, "'Course, we might get to the forest and find there's nothing to follow. Those spiders might not've been going there at all. I know it looked like they were moving in that sort of general direction, but…" His voice trailed away hopefully.
America, ever oblivious to the mood, replied, "Dude, that would be such a bummer! I was totally looking forward to punching a huge nightmarish monster in the face!" Ron let out a strange high-pitched whimpering noise and didn't say anything else for the rest of the walk.
If buildings could have expressions, Hagrid's house would have been wearing a very glum one. Even restricted as it was by its house-ness, it still managed to project feelings of abandonment and depression. When Harry pushed the door open, Fang came bounding out and attacked them all with his tongue. His barks were loud enough that even America agreed it could attract attention from the castle, so they fed the dog some of Hagrid's treacle to glue his jaws together. Canada had never heard anything about treacle being poisonous to dogs, but he resolved to keep an eye on him in case he dropped dead due to their negligence.
Leaving the Invisibility Cloak behind (Canada breathed a sigh of relief), the two Nations, two humans, and dog made their way into the forest, their path lit by wandlight. They found some large spiders scuttling their way into the trees almost immediately and started following them. The stream of arachnids was steady, so they were able to follow it with no problem. They all walked in silence for about twenty minutes. Well, Canada, Harry and Ron walked in silence. America kept making what he probably thought were 'heroic' grunts as he punched the air. Probably practising for if we run into any monsters… Canada didn't ask him to stop, since for once his strange habits actually had some foundation in reality.
After those first twenty minutes, Harry, who had been in the lead, paused. Canada quickly saw why. The spiders were going off the path and into the wild, foreboding undergrowth. Canada felt a little like Little Red Riding Hood, trying to decide whether or not to follow the Big Bad Wolf's advice. Of course, the situation was much, much different and there really weren't many parallels apart from indecision over leaving the well-trodden path.
Harry looked back at them, indecision clear in his expression. "What d'you reckon?"
America rolled his eyes. "Dude, come on, do you want to stop the giant frog-monster or what?"
"We've come this far," said Ron. Canada would have given an affirmative answer as well, but Harry set off after the spiders before he could utter a sound. He was used to this kind of behaviour, though, so he didn't complain.
As they walked through the woods, however, he almost regretted not saying something on the negative side. He was used to woods, he kept telling himself. He hadn't had much else, back when he was very little. He liked woods. But when he thought of woods, he thought of normal, Muggle woods where the worst you could face were bears and mountain lions. These definitely weren't normal woods, and the worst they could face was probably the worst things they could face in the entirety of existence. As they lost the trail of spiders again for the twelfth time, Canada resolved to go camping in normal woods during the summer. Maybe he'd invite Cuba or Prussia or the Netherlands or all of the above and they could do normal camping things in the very normal woods.
He was abruptly pulled from his camping fantasies by a great, echoing bark from Fang. "GAH EVIL PUNCH IT!" shouted America, looking around wildly for whatever needed his fist in its face. Kumacharming growled and raised his hackles.
"There's something moving over there," Harry breathed. "Listen… sounds like something big." They all listened. Some distance to their right, the something big was snapping branches as it carved a path through the trees.
"Oh no," whimpered Ron. "Oh no, oh no, oh-"
"Shut up," said Harry frantically. "It'll hear you."
"Hear me?" said Ron in an unnaturally high voice. "It's already heard Fang!"
"Have no fear, dudes! The hero is here with his Righteous Right-Hook of Justice! FREEEEDOOOOOM!" And so America ran headlong towards whatever monster was coming for them. Canada facepalmed. Of course. Of friggin course he'd do this.
"Alfred!" Harry called out. "Come back, it's dangerous!" He looked over at Canada. "Does he always do this?"
Canada nodded. "Oh, yes."
He was about to suggest they go after him when they heard a loud yell. "WHAT THE – DUDES WHY IS THERE A CAR IN THE FOREST?!"
Harry and Ron looked at each other. "You don't think-" Ron began, but before he could finish it they were all blinded by bright light. Fang let out a yelp and Kumajester let out the bear equivalent of one.
Once they all regained the use of their eyes, Canada couldn't believe his. It was, just as America had said, a car. It was dirty and banged up, but it was still undeniably a car. Ron made its way towards it, mouth hanging open in shock. "Harry, it's our car!" he gasped. "It's been here all this time! Look at it. The forest's turned it wild…"
America came back into view. "Dudes, are you okay?" He seemed to notice Ron. "Uh, would you mind explaining why Ron's hugging a car?"
Something clicked in Canada's brain. "This was the car you two flew to school in, eh?" he said.
Harry nodded. "Yes. I'd wondered what happened to it…" His gaze dropped to the ground and he let out a frustrated noise. "Looks like we've lost the trail… we'll have to find it again…"
Canada was going to help him, but something made him glance at Ron. His expression was enough to freeze him in his tracks. The red-head wasn't moving, or speaking, but his face was twisted into a rictus of terror. His wide eyes were fixed on a point about ten feet above their heads. Canada didn't even have time to turn and look or shout out a warning before everything went to hell.
It all happened so quickly Canada never quite knew exactly what had occurred. All he knew was that one moment America was eyeing the car as if it might attack them at any moment, Harry was trying to find their trail of spiders again with Fang cowering at his side, and Ron was staring in horror at something. The next moment, several large and hairy somethings had snatched them away. Canada just had time to catch a glimpse of them before they vanished. Huge… hairy… were those eight legs? I've read about these before, I think. Acromantulas. Oh, maple leaf, this is bad.
Then something occurred to him. Wait, why am I still here? They took the others, even Fang! Why would they leave me behind? They've got eight eyes, surely they must have noticed me? Right? His stomach obtained a distinct sinking feeling. Right?! You've got to be kidding me! Not even magical creatures with eight eyes can notice me?! How is that even possible! Wait, why am I focusing on that? I need to be focusing on saving them!
He looked down at his wand. Do I know any spells to help? All I learned from Duelling Club was Expelliarmus, and I haven't learned a single thing in Defence Against the Dark Arts. How am I going to fight off all those spiders? I'm not America, I can't just punch my way through… I need a plan. Also, I need to figure out where the Acromantulas have taken them… something that big must leave a trail, hopefully I can follow it. And then once I get there… I have no idea how many of them there will be. I wish England were here. He'd know what to do.
His thoughts were interrupted by a honk. He whirled around to see Kumachickadee sitting in the driver's seat of the car, honking the horn. "Who are you?" he asked.
Well, it wasn't like there was anyone around. "I'm Canada."
"Get in, Canada. I can't drive this thing." The bear clambered into the passenger seat and stared at him pointedly until he did as he was told.
Canada patted the steering wheel a bit awkwardly. "So, you're alive, eh." The car let out an affirmative noise. "Okay. It's nice to meet you, car. Can you follow the trail those spiders left?" The car responded by rolling off into the trees, following the path of destruction.
"Wait, so I didn't really need you?" said Kumajamaica.
"I guess not, eh," said Canada. "So, what's the plan? We crash into wherever it is the others are being held, get them in here as quickly as possible, and then haul out of there as fast as possible?"
Kumacrash nodded. "Sounds good to me." His nose twitched. "Hey, I think I smell something." He flailed futilely at the glove compartment. "Would you mind helping me with this?"
"Sure. Ugh!" Canada tried not to gag as a dead squirrel fell out of the compartment as soon as he opened it. He watched the bear chow down on it for a few moments in silence before saying, "You know, you haven't been talking much lately. Are you feeling okay?"
Kumajoker swallowed and said, "Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that you always seem to be surrounded by humans, and they always seem to freak out whenever I say anything. You're trying to lay low, right? Plus talking is a bit of a hassle. I'm still a bear, after all." He returned to his meal. The car let out a noise that seemed to somehow transmit the thought, 'At least you can talk, furball.'
As they trundled along, Canada saw the path become larger, as if more Acromantulas had joined the procession. We must be getting close. He clutched his wand, desperately trying to remember any more useful spells he had ever been taught. Sadly, it seemed that the Hogwarts curriculum left the spells for dealing with armies of giant spiders for third years and up. It seemed that dragging America, Harry, Ron and Fang into the car and running (or driving, as the case may be) was their best option.
Finally they reached the crest of a hill and saw their destination. It was a hollow full of spiderwebs. It was a bit hard to see anything else, since it seemed filled with Acromantulas. Squinting slightly, Canada thought he saw a flash of blond hair buried beneath an onslaught of the things. He gave the car a thump. "Let's go!"
The car let out a huge honk and roared down the slope towards their friends. Spiders were knocked aside by their speedy passage, clearing a path. They quickly reached their targets and pulled to a stop. Canada leaped out of the car and ran towards where America was struggling to fend off a veritable horde of spiders. It seemed to be increasingly in vain, as his limbs were bound by their webs. Canada pulled his wand out and waved it wildly at an Acromantula about to sink its venomous pincers into his brother. Despite not thinking of a particular spell, something must have happened, because the spider was knocked back into several of its brethren. Canada slung America over his shoulder and sprinted back to the car, where Kumakiki, Harry, Ron and Fang were waiting anxiously.
Canada threw himself and America into the back seat with Fang and slammed the door behind him. "Go, go, go, go!" he ordered, and the car obeyed him.
It took a few moments for the adrenaline to fade enough for Canada to stop jittering. Now that they were out of harm's way, he gave America a good look. There was a gash on his cheek, his glasses were broken, the hair on the back of his head was caked in blood, and he was still swaddled in webbing, but Canada had seem him in far worse states.
America's head drooped on his shoulder and he was breathing heavily as Canada freed him from his bindings with a quick spell. "Bro… that… was close."
"Sorry I couldn't arrive sooner," Canada murmured, taking off America's glasses and tapping them with his wand. "Reparo!" He handed them back to America. "There you go. Good as new, eh."
America put them back on. "Thanks… don't know what I'd do without my Texas…" Then he slumped against Fang and fell asleep. Canada rolled his eyes. Well, I can't really blame him. It is getting pretty late.
It took them about twenty minutes to finally make it out of the forest. They all remained silent for the trip. Harry and Ron both seemed in shock after their kidnapping, and Canada didn't want to wake up America. Eventually, though, the trees thinned, and the car stopped so abruptly America was jerked out of his sleep. "Gnh – wha? Where'd the magic deodorant go?"
Canada chuckled. "You have the weirdest dreams, don't you." He nudged his brother. "I think the car wants us to leave." Indeed, all the doors had swung open of their own accord. They all got out (Fang literally leapt out and ran back to Hagrid's house with his tail between his legs), and the car closed its doors again and drove back into the forest. Canada waved goodbye.
Harry went back into the cabin, probably to get the Invisibility Cloak, while Ron went to the pumpkin patch and started throwing up. Canada turned to America. "So, what happened? Did you find anything out?"
America grinned. "Oh, boy, did we!" And so America told him all about Aragog, and how Hagrid had been framed and there it was an entirely different monster that had been doing all this. By the time Harry emerged from Hagrid's house with Invisibility Cloak in hand, Canada was all caught up.
"Follow the spiders," said Ron weakly, wiping his mouth on his sleeve after recovering from his vomiting episode. "I'll never forgive Hagrid. We're lucky to be alive."
"I bet he thought Aragog wouldn't hurt friends of his," said Harry.
"That's exactly Hagrid's problem!" said Ron, thumping the wall of the cabin. "He always thinks monsters aren't as bad as they're made out, and look where it's got him! A cell in Azkaban!" He was shivering uncontrollably now. "What was the point of sending us in there? What have we found out, I'd like to know?"
Canada wrapped a reassuring arm around his shoulders. "We found out Hagrid is innocent," he said gently. "Doesn't that count for something, eh?" Ron let out an unsatisfied grunt, but he seemed to calm down a bit. "None of us are thinking clearly right now," Canada continued. "It's late, and we've all been through a lot. Let's just head back to the castle and sleep on it. We'll all feel much better in the morning."
A/N: Whew, I did it. *collapses* JK. But, seriously, this seemed way too hard for me to write. HUGS FOR FINALLY DOING WHAT I PROMISED TWO CHAPTERS AGO! \(^-^)/ Time for Q&A! To RussianMochi: It's true! Officially, anyway. I can't speak for all other countries in the world, but here in Canada both are often used. 'Zed' is considered the more proper pronunciation, though, so if you use 'zee' there's a pretty good chance someone will correct you. Aren't the differences between cultures fascinating? To Actual God: STOP SUGGESTING THINGS PEOPLE GRRRRAAAAAH! But thanks. To Marzue: Thanks! And my update time varies. I'd have to say it's usually late morning (if the writing comes easily) or at night (if it doesn't). Pacific Standard Time. And I'll take your suggestions into consideration. I can promise nothing more. To SoulxMakaLover37: What a piece of work is man, In movement, how like an angel, in apprehension, how like a god. I hope I quoted that right. I'm just trying to remember from the top of my head. Sorry for no werewolf reaction yet. To freyiejj: I have no idea how long this will take me... a considerable amount of time, certainly. And yay for the World Twinkle! NEXT CHAPTER: Canada notices Ginny acting oddly. See you all next time!