Okay, so this chapter is from Cullen's POV, and then the inquisitors. Spoilers in this chapter so don't read on if you don't want to know the story!
It felt as if she was there for a reason. I've never had much faith since I left the Templar's, life was never that kind to me. When it comes to love, certainly not. When I first saw Anya I thought she was a beautiful woman, others shunned her for being an elf and a mage, but neither of those things have ever bothered me about her. Which is exceedingly strange because there was a time I hated magic.
I hated those who wielded it for their own power, I started to believe that was every mage. Not just because I was a Templar, I became wary of anyone using magic for evil means.
Then she walked into my life. Or rather, stormed her way in. It was so surprising to see anyone walk out of the fade, but now she has lived countless times and survived to tell the tale. I not only admire her for that, but I admire her for never giving in. She is an extremely resilient woman, I'm not sure how she isn't haunted by her past like I am. Her easy going attitude made me feel at ease straight away, she was more chatty than I was used to. Cassandra doesn't like to give much away, Josephine was always too busy and Leliana well...that would go against everything she stood for, to let others know about her.
So when this beautiful elf woman walked up to me at Haven, not demanding military strategies or barking orders, but simply wanting to know more about me, I couldn't believe it. I never thought of myself as interesting and yet she listened with such intent...and now look at me. I tried to deny the fact that I had a crush on the inquisitor of all people. I hid my feelings as best as I could, although she never stopped asking about me. It was hard to keep things strictly professional and yet I feared if we didn't I wouldn't be able to control myself. I was right. That day by the lake, where I took Anya, I wanted to show her peace, It was amazing to be alone with her, her beauty only surpassed by her personality. Forever thinking of others. That kiss...
"Cullen, are you daydreaming?" I looked up to see Leliana standing against the doorway, grinning from ear to ear. That was never a good thing.
" and here I thought you would be working yourself to the bone on another military strategy but no, instead you look like a man in love." I felt my cheeks go hot. I hated that I developed a blush when matters of the like came into conversation.
"I...how do you know everything?"
"It's not hard to notice that, it doesn't take a spy Cullen."
"Notice what?"
" That you are in love with Anya."
I am...I couldn't deny it. I almost didn't want to. And yet she is at this very moment with the man she should be with, I don't have her. She isn't mine.
"I'm sorry, I know its not my place, but if its any consolation I believe she feels the same way. I just don't think she knows who she wants, or feels...women are complicated like that."
She walked away leaving me to mull over what she had just said. If Leliana thought something, she was almost always right, it was her job to observe and tell what others were thinking and feeling...Anya loved me back? if that were true...it's all want. Yet things were so complicated, she was the inquisitor, we are at war. There might be a future after all this though...
No, I couldn't think like that. Her future didn't involve me in it. Even still, that kiss made me think she really felt something at least. In that moment It was like we were the only two people in the world, nothing else mattered.
I decided to get out of my office. Ever since I stopped taking Lyrium, it had been hard to go about my duties. Agonizing pain took over my body at times, but recently I have felt...better. All due to Anya as well. She was my saving grace.
It really is a breath taking view from the Skyhold battlements, I can clear my he-
" Cullen?"
I spun around to find Anya. Her eyes looked like she had been crying, they were red raw. And yet she still looked perfect.
"Anya, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, before, I bet Blackwall wants to kill me." i blabbered.
She smiled a little, " No, on the contrary. I think at first, when he saw us by the lake yesterday, he may have felt like that. But he seems to think he doesn't deserve me. That I would be better off without him. He has always said that, he doesn't feel ill towards you, I told him it wasn't your fault."
There was a moment of silence, I wasn't sure what would be the right thing to say.
" Are you feeling alright, without the Lyrium?"
"oh yes, I'm fine actually, I have you to thank for that..."
I couldn't say I cared much for Blackwall, after we all found out what he had done with his men. Athough I know we all have a past. She was silent for a long time, staring out past the battlements to the snowy mountains beyond.
" I don't know...I don't know much these days. I'm terrified of what will come. I want you both by my side. I'm scared I won't be able to live up to what you all need me to be. I don't want to hurt anyone, I kill enough as it is. What if I disappoint everyone? What if I disappoint you?"
I wanted so badly to hold her again right there and then, to reassure her that everything would be ok, that she is doing a better job at saving the world than anyone ever could.
"You could never disappoint me. I didn't think i would see you, I thought you would be with..." a pang of jealousy hit me, I couldn't bare to think of her with anyone else.
" I care for Blackwall deeply. But..." Those eyes of hers seemed to be able to see right through me. I reached my hand out...
.
"Sorry to interrupt, but we have a situation that requires both of your attention. I think we know who poisoned Blackwall, it may have something to do with Coryphaeus, of course." The spell was broken and Anya took a step back. We followed Cassandra back to the war room, I had to stop myself from cursing.
"So you're saying it was a grey warden that shot Blackwall with an arrow, do we know who?"
I could tell anger was swelling up in the inquisitor's body, the need for revenge.
"Yes, but we only gathered that information from what one of Leliana's spies managed to trace back with the arrow. It was a poison, taken from the highly rare but deadly Aconite plant. We have found this plant in various locations you have visited in enemy territory and we know the grey wardens are using it. Why? We can only speculate that Corypheus is getting desperate, he knows there is a chance now that you could very well defeat him and he is scared. Hence, he is trying to kill off your companions, your support. Trying to cripple you. " Josephine explained to them.
" I won't let him. He's dead." I have never seen Anya like that, she is always fiercely protective of the people around her but she must care for Blackwall like no other.
What was I thinking that she could want me?
"Are you alright?"
"I betrayed you and you are asking if I'm ok. Blackwall..." I couldn't believe he could be so selfless.
"Don't. I understand. I still want you, I don't want to be without you, you are everything to me. I never thought someone like me would find someone like you. I was angry but now we could be facing death it seems pointless to stay that way."
I truly don't deserve him. Though he had a point.I have always loved that in Blackwall, he's unlike any other man I've met, except for Cullen. I love both of them. They both have a need to do good, to try and atone for their pasts.
"Thom, when you lied to me about being the real Blackwall, I couldn't see I was that upset. I felt lied to and betrayed. How can you let go of what you saw yesterday so easily. I can't deny that I didn't want it to happen." I could see the hurt in his face but he had to know the truth. When I could die any minute I wasn't going to lie. None of us were safe with coryphaeus alive.
He put his arms around me in an embrace.
" I knew you felt something for Cullen, all along. It's hard to not notice the connection between you two. I always felt like I was intruding on that, but when you took an interest in me... I couldn't resist. Anya, I just want you to be happy." I didn't know what to say so I simply burrowed into him .
Tomorrow, we all set out for the Arbor Wilds. I'm not sure what to expect, possibly more on my elven people. Morrigan can hopefully help with that. I set out with Blackwall at my side which makes me feel safe, not to mention my other friends. I need to see Cullen, it could be my last chance. There were things to be said.
I waited until Blackwall fell sleep, and snuck out. When I arrived at Cullen's quarters, he wasn't sleeping. I wondered if he ever sleeps. The light shone under the door, I entered and saw his back was turned, he was scribbling away into a journal.
"I never knew you kept a diary."
Cullen spun run, I'd obviously taken him by surprise. There was a certain innocence to Cullen that I loved.
" Oh! Yes, well, I feel like someone has to record what happens here with the legendary inquisition."
He stood up and came closer. I mustered up the courage to say what I had come to say.
" Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you, I just had to talk to you. I'm leaving tomorrow-"
"I know." he interrupted, " it's all I've been thinking about, I knew you were with Blackwall and I didn't want to disturb, but I wanted to see you before you leave. I prayed for the first time in ages tonight, for the maker to keep you safe. I will fight with our army for our cause, as hard as I ever have. "
"Cullen," I closed the gap between us, instantly regretting what I was doing but wanting to be closer to this man I felt so much for.
" I love you. I do. I'm not afraid to say it anymore."
He pounced on me, crashing his lips down on mine. I could hear a bottle smash to the floor but neither of us cared at this point. He swiped his hand across the desk, knocking everything to the ground. I clambered onto the desk and he followed , placing small kisses all over my body, pulling at my clothes. I ran my fingers through his hair, kissing him like I've always wanted to. Something in the way he was acting made me feel truly wanted, as if he had been waiting for this moment. I tugged off his armour so his chest was exposed. Goosebumps were popping up on his skin, i kissed them away. He grabbed my hand and led me upstairs.
Lying here with Cullen, I thought it would never happen. We were both naked, hands tracing each others skin. I'd never felt more alive. A pang of guilt hit me but I tried to wash it away. I didn't want to think, not now. I would explain everything to Blackwall after all this was over, somehow.
For one night at least, it was just us. Alone together and happy. Who knows what tomorrow would bring.
" I love you Anya." he whispered gently into my ear. That's all I wanted to hear.
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