The next morning I was up at dawn as usual, meeting my noobs out at the training field for their morning exercise. I'd have to assign them to an element soon, before the next batch of noobs from the Academy came in. I'd already sort of mentally sorted them out by their abilities I'd probably be meeting with the Seats over the next couple of days to see if they had any great objections to their assignments. The exercise went as well as it ever did and I was reasonably pleased. I showered off and went back to my office to finish the rest of the paperwork where I found Lieutenant Nemu Kurostuchi waiting for me.

"Good morning Lieutenant Abarai," she said with bland cheer.

She slid a small sheaf of printouts over the surface of my desk and said

"Your absence prevented me from informing you of my findings on that inquiry you made the other day, so I took the liberty of making a copy of my findings for you. It wasn't much, and a great deal of the data seems to have been lost to corruption of files that comes from keeping data lying around over time. There was an accidental purge of some areas of the system at the time of the development of the Bounts because the release of that large amount of power accidentally sent a surge through the circuits strong enough to override even the secured surge protectors."

"Huh... Ask ya somethin' else?" I mused aloud looking at the meagre pickings.

"Go ahead Lieutenant," she said agreeably.

"When you were lookin' through those files, did you happen to notice if anyone else had gone lookin' through 'em recently?"

"Yes Lieutenant, it was another anomaly that I ran across. The last recorded access was an unauthorized one. Someone attempted to access the information via a tertiary access panel off the hub of the mainframe, using a log-in name and password that clearly did not belong to him or her. Namely, my Captain's access codes."

"When was that?" I asked curiously.

It could have nothing to do with the case but my stray dog instincts scented something off about this one. It could be important.

"July seventeenth of last year," was her reply.

That was around the same time of Rukia's execution and the whole mess that came along with it. More to the point, it was about that same time that Aizen had accessed the information about the Ohken, the Key to the World of the Emperor of the Spirit Court from the databases inside Central Forty-Six. Could it be that the two were related? It seemed possible, maybe even a little likely. It probably wasn't a coincidence, put it that way. Still my Captain didn't encourage idle speculation so I'd better be a little more certain of that particular theory before I started raising the specter of Aizen again and sending everyone off into a tizzy of speculation. People were high-strung enough as it was about his escaping without stirring them up even more. I pulled a pencil from among the messy piles on my desk and jotted down a quick note about the incident on the top page of the sheaf of papers Nemu Kurotsuchi had just given me so I wouldn't forget about it.

"Thanks Lieutenant Kurotsuchi, I really appreciate it," I said sincerely.

"It was my pleasure Lieutenant Abarai," she replied with perfect politeness and took herself off.

Her arrivals and departures had always been abrupt, and her personality was that of a woman who wasted no time on frivolities, part of me liked that a little since she always got right to the point, but the rest of me felt a little sad for her.

I finished going over the reports on my desk and updating the log book, then I walked the actual reports down to the Sixth Squad filing room and filed them in their proper places. The rest of the papers were the usual sort of things; this time it was weapons supply requisitions, and the duty roster for B-5 barracks. Annoying, but at least it was easily taken care of. The extra copies were filed in their respective drawers. I grabbed the sheaf of papers that required Kuchiki's signature and stuck them in a folder with a clip to keep them secure and, after taking a quick glance in the mirror to make sure that I was sorta presentable, I flashed off to the Kuchiki Estate.

The place was even more massive than I remembered. The outside wall on either side of the front gate seemed to stretch on forever. The supercilious butler still looked down his long, pointy nose at me. Geeze, he was a servant who worked for the boss same as I did, where the heck did he get off lookin' at me like I was somethin' the dog dragged in from outta the rain? Apparently Kuchiki had told him to expect me because he silently pointed me towards the service entrance around the side. How nice. Sure felt great knowing where I stood.

:I'm a Lieutenant fer cryin' out loud an' I still get the servant's entrance,: I grumbled to myself.

Sure, technically, men of my rank were actually counted among the nobility, but it was vanishingly likely that anyone would ever be bowin' ta me an' asking if I wanted refreshments. When it came down to it, nobility born and bred only looked to their own.

The servant who met me there was a pretty little filly though, so maybe the visit wasn't a complete waste after all. I flashed the smile that I used on the pretty nurses in Fourth when I wanted extra portions of food at her and she seemed to react about the same way they did; blushing and smiling and looking down.

"The Kuchiki runnin' ya ragged?" I asked sympathetically as she guided me to my meager little out-of-the way corner where I was probably going to be stuck cooling my heels until the Master of the Manse was un-busy enough to see me. In my peripheral vision I could see other servants in the House livery rushing this way and that, little maids with their sleeves tied back carrying buckets of water to be heated for washing, men hauling furniture and so on.

"Master Kuchiki has been planning this gathering for months, all of the heads of the cadet lines of the Kuchiki Clan are going to be here, as well as the Head of Moriyama Clan and a number of his guests. It's a very big event, and a very important one, and there are so many important guests attending, it's a lot of work to see them comfortable," she said. At first she'd started out shy then she'd warmed to her subject and looked a little fired up there.

"Well do your best then," I said smiling at her, and waving in parting. "I'll just stay here out of the way."

The little corner I'd been assigned to wasn't so bad really. It was a tiny courtyard out behind what I took to be some unused section of the manor, there was a small decorative koi pond and a stand of two plum trees which were just beginning to come into bloom, the buds were appearing but they hadn't yet flowered. Judging by the way people were rushing to and fro, and the fact that the guests were going to be arriving soon, if the Kuchiki didn't seek me out right away he probably wasn't going to remember to until well after dusk. I looked at the courtyard around me, it might be small and out of the way but it was no place to rough-house around practicing Zabimaru's new technique in. So I was probably going to be stuck here for most of the day with nothing to do.

:Geeze, I should just drop them off in his private office and leave, I have better things to do,: I thought in annoyance.

I knew better than that though, I didn't know where his office was, and even if I did I didn't want a lecture delivered to me in those aristocratic tones of his about Lieutenants who neglected their instructions. I sighed. I was stuck here.

:I guess there's nothin' wrong with working while I wait,: I thought to myself.

I had managed to unlock one chakra yesterday in my spare time, there was nothing wrong with giving the next one a go. After all, it wasn't like I had anything else to do at the moment.

I made myself comfortable in a lazy sprawl under one of the plum trees, with the I'd brought paperwork tucked under me, just in case. It would be just my luck that I'd drop inside my innerscape and the folder I'd brought with all of my work in it would get caught by a breeze and strew the paperwork around the yard and elsewhere. Kuchiki would either make me do it over or fetch it back, every single sheet. My bet would be the latter.

:No point in curling up my legs under me again, no matter how ya look at it, I have no resemblance ta Buddha so there's no point in lookin' like some meditatin' preist.:

Especially when I was so far from the priest-hood that the idea of myself trying to emulate one was enough to make a cat laugh. Yeah, Yoruichi for one would get a kick out of it.

I closed my eyes and shut out the world around me, focusing inward. One moment I was there, listening to the sound of the late morning wind whistle through the branches of the plum tree, the next moment I was back in the jungle with Zabimaru staring right back at me.

"So you've returned," the Baboon King said.

Snaketail curled up over his shoulder and they regarded me with a glowing-eyed stare.

"Yeah, I got some free time, so I figured sooner started is sooner done. No point in puttin' it off anyway," I replied.

"You should know what you will face in this challenge," the Baboon King said with a slow heavy dignity. "The second chakra is the Sacral Chakra, it is concerned with pleasure and one's sense of self worth; it is blocked by shame. When you accept the challenge to take on this chakra you will be faced with all of those things which you are secretly ashamed of. Do you still wish to take up the challenge?"

"Um, yeah, that's what I'm here for. Thanks for the heads up anyway," I said.

"Alright then, do yer best," the Snaketail said.

Just as suddenly as I had fallen into the trance that brought me into my inner world, I found myself somewhere else. It was a strange sort of place though. I was surrounded by a glowing mist that had tiny motes of shimmering rainbow-hued light that darted here and there like fireflies over a river. The mist itself was also oddly reflective, moving in shifting waves and billows, the light reflected myself back at me like a mirrored prism; as I moved about looking around, I saw mirror copies of myself moving towards me and around me like mirages, strangely smokey and insubstantial. I stood there for a few minutes waiting for the challenge to show up.

I wasn't kept waiting long. After a few minutes I could sense a presence behind me and turned around to meet... myself. This version of me was an older version compared to the last one, but still noticeably younger than my current age. He looked about ten or so, still clad in the rags of the Rukongai. He looked back at me and said.

"Boy are you ever in for it."

"Let's just get on with it," I grumbled.

"Just remember, you asked for it."

Snot-nosed little brat.

He gestured out into the mists and I found the prismatic fog thicken and close in on me. I found myself surrounded by sightless, greyish, prismatic light. Suddenly I found that the wraith-like reflections that had been myself suddenly became other people... and myself.

"Coward. Failure." A strange chorus of voices whispered and chanted around my head. It sounded like they were everywhere but I couldn't feel or sense anyone nearby. The voices seemed compounded of every voice of all the people I knew or had met, and my own voice.

"No matter how hard you try, you'll never be good enough," the voices continued.

Shouts and whispers and taunts along that vein started coming at me from all directions. My chest started to clench in desperation.

"Even if you rise to the top you'll still only be a nameless, homeless street cur from the Rukongai."

"Everything you do means nothing, you'll never be worthy of their regard."

"Second-rate, second best. You'll never be strong enough to hold your head up."

"You should just go back where you belong, no-one wants you around here. No-one needs you."

It wasn't true! I couldn't be true, those were all lies! I knew that if I trained hard enough, worked hard enough, for long enough I could become stronger, get better. I could be good enough. I could! I had to, didn't they see?

"I can!" I shouted back at them desperately as they taunted me with my inadequacies. "I'm good enough, I'll get good enough!"

"For what?" the boy asked. Suddenly, all was silence. "What's the standard? Who decides if you are and are not worthy?"

I paused, taken aback for a moment.

"Well, they do I guess?" I said shrugging.

I gestured around me at the open air. There were no people, no voices anymore, but it was meant as a general gesture to include all the world but me.

"And who is they and why is it that they are allowed to decide your own value?" my little self asked next. "Shouldn't that be up to you to decide?"

"It is up to me to decide!" I snapped. "I'm not some wishy-washy asshole who can't make up his mind and just goes along with what everyone else tells--"

Except that I was, I realized. Even though I had the red hair and the tatoos to stand out and let everyone know that I was different from them, I wasn't. I was still just a stray dog howling at the moon, without the courage to jump up and bite it. I was afraid of not being acceptable, of being too weak, too cowardly, not good enough or strong enough to protect what I valued.

There was a small, insidious little part of me that thought maybe they were all right about me. That I wasn't good enough or strong enough. After all, instead of standing up and telling them all to fuck off when they'd ordered me to bring Rukia back to the Seireitei hadn't I just lowered my tail and fetched? If this had been anywhere but the Seireitei, and it had been anyone but my superiors asking me to hand Rukia off to punishment, they'd have had one hell of a fight on thier hands. But they were my superiors and I had obeyed. Why?

:Was it because I want their approval?: I wondered.

Could it really be something stupid like that? I didn't even like most of those assholes, and they made it plain they didn't give a rat's ass about me, so why the hell should I listen to 'em?

"That's a damn good question," the little runt muttered. "Just because they all got status and shit you let 'em dictate to you the kind of person you are, what you find acceptable."

It was an awful thing to have to face up to without any way to defend against it. All this time I thought I'd been perversely proud of my background, of how far I'd come, but I was really ashamed of myself. Deep down I believed that I wasn't worth time and attention and... and love. Inside I wasn't even a dog howling at the moon, I was a whipped pup begging for scraps. Pathetically, they could kick me and I'd keep coming back.

"That damn boss of yours disparages your intelligence an' skill on a daily basis an' you never say anything about it."

"He's my boss," I replied.

"Get another job."

"He's a Kuchiki," I added.

"Don't matter."

"He's Rukia's older brother."

"And he's going to give you respect points for taking his shit why?" the kid replied. "If anything, you'd loose respect for it."

I paused, the kid had a point.

"And as for the rest of them," the younger me continued. "Who in the hell do they think they are? What the hell do they know about you? They've never slept up under a leaky rain-shed in near freezing weather, or had to outwit people three times their size who would have beat them with a two by four until they couldn't move just to get enough to survive for a day. And yet you let those blind, stupid assholes tell you how yer gonna live yer life? Why don't you tell yourself, why don't you find yourself acceptable?"

I didn't have an answer to that, or at least I didn't have one that didn't make me sound like an ass. My younger self smirked up at me, knowing that I already knew the answer.

People didn't have any more power over you than you were willing to give them. That didn't mean you always had to put yourself first, far from it, but no-one had the right to tell me that I wasn't a worthy man.

:I've never done anything that I'd really be ashamed to own up to in my life,: I thought to myself.

At least, not up until recently, when I had turned Rukia over into the Sixth Squad brig. I had never stolen something unless I needed it to survive, and even then it was something that wouldn't have come from someone who couldn't spare it; I'd never stolen from another set of starving kids, or from women, even when I was desperate for food. There were other gangs of kids who had not been so noble as myself and my own. I had never murdered a man in cold blood because his life was inconvenient, all of the things I had killed had been neccessary kills. I had always repaied every debt I'd ever owed, even the ones that people might shrug off. I had never dishonored or taken advantage of a woman. So then why was I ashamed of myself, and where I came from? I had always sort of thought of myself as taking a perverse sort of pride in my commoner background. I sure as hell didn't want to be nobility! The only reason I'd been desperate to climb up the ranks was so I could reach a rank that might be considered equal to hers. The fact that, even if I made it all the way to Captain those nobles still probably wouldn't accpt me shouldn't rankle me so much, but it did. It was the same as saying that nothing I did mattered, that I couldn't hold my head up because I had a name that came from the Rukongai.

I realized suddenly that part of my irritation stemmed from sorrow or maybe even a little envy. I sure as hell didn't want to be nobility like Rukia was, but at the same time I wanted to be part of a family again, to have a place where I could truly say "here is where I belong," someplace and someone I could protect without having to worry that they would throw me over or betray me. The closest thing I had, the closest thing I had ever had, were my friends. The nearest thing I had to a center in my world was her.

So why did I keep looking everywhere else but myself for approval? Why did I give them the power to decide if I was and wasn't worth a second glance? So what if I came from the streets? So what if no family would claim me? I sent a little over a quarter of my Lieutenant's salary every pay period over to the onee-sans at the Barai House to help them feed the newborn kids so they wouldn't have to send 'em out early to make room for another tiny mouth to feed. I would bet all the rest of my salary that most of those nobles on those grand estates didn't even give them a thought. So who in the end was more worthy, them or me? Who had been through more, fought harder? Why should they have the power to decide my value?

They didn't and that was that. The only one who had felt ashamed and inadequate was me and it was all in my own head. I didn't have to let them look down on me, I wasn't going to allow them to look down on me. Not anymore.

I was a good and worthy man who had worked hard for everything I'd ever gotten in this life, and even if my status was one day taken from me, I had my pride and... dignity. It was a little weird thinking of myself as having dignity, but I had as much a right to it, and more, than a lot of those assholes who called themselves nobles. I was a worthy man and no-one else had the right to tell me otherwise unless I had done something that crossed the line for all the wrong reasons.

"Now that you realize it, what do you need to do?" the kid asked of me.

"I dunno," I said, frustrated.

How in the hell was I supposed to know?

"Thoughts and words don't mean nuthin' unless ya speak up and live up," the kid replied.

I nodded approval of it. There was a pause.

"Well go on," he said. "Say it."

I cleared my throat into the empty silence, feeling oddly self-conscious. Maybe it was vulnerability.

"I... um. I'm Renji Abarai from Hangdog, and even though I've lived the kinda life that would probably make most people into hardened criminals I don't think that there's anything I've done that I truly need to feel ashamed of... except blindly following orders. As a man I..." I paused and went on.

This wasn't easy. Anyone who thought this chakra unbinding stuff was simple had never taken a really good, long look at themselves.

"As a man I'm responsible for my own actions. It's my own choices that determine whether or not I'm a worthy man, not some outside system or other peoples opinions. That don't mean I'll just blow people off, but that also don't mean that I'm going to let fear of disapproval, or loss of face or status, or even rejection, stop me from doing what I know is right."

I suddenly felt myself surrounded by a strangely warm feeling that made me seem instantly lighter and freer somehow, like I was no longer held back by a weight I hadn't even realized was there. All around me was an orange-gold glow, like the copper-disk of the sun as it was just coming up over the horizon. Between one heartbeat and the next I found myself back in the clearing with the side-ways tree and the fountain and Zabimaru. There was a copper key in my hand that I automatically inserted in the lock at the bottom of the basin and turned. Again, as it had the first time, the sluice gate opened and softly glowing liquid energy in a vital orange color welled up from the opening and started to flow in a circle around the bottom of the basin.

"Well lookit that," I said in satisfaction.

The strange water felt good to me for some reason. I felt oddly stronger, more sure of myself, like a part of myself that had been separated and disjointed was brought back into its proper place again. Maybe all o' this meditation stuff wasn't so stupid after all. I'd never really believed that concentrating my focus inward would ever make me a stronger fighter, I'd always figured that what made a guy strong in battle is what he brought to the feild in his arms, but maybe I'd been mistaken. It wouldn't be the first time certainly.

"It's very surprising," Baboon King remarked from his lounging position in his tree. "How you've managed to face what is in yourself, accept it, and resolve to address those things you don't like in such a very short amount of time. Some people meditate for lifetimes and still lie to themselves, or fool themselves into not acknowledging their own shortcomings. But I suppose that's just the sort of person you are Renji Abarai, you're so straightforward that, when confronted with something you can't deny, see no point in trying to do so."

Well duh, what would be the point exactly?

"You have done well today and I am quite satisfied with your progress. It is time that you returned to yourself, before Rukia calls in the Fourth Division and has you examined."

And just like that I was on my back staring up at the branches of the budding plum tree and the irritated and fearful face of Rukia Kuchiki. I couldn't help that I smiled up at her, she just had that effect on me. I hadn't seen her in a while and as always, even just looking at her face had the power to make my world a better place.

Might seem a strange place to end it, but I had to separate the part where Renji spends time with Zabimaru working on himself and the chapter with Rukia in it. Speaking of, all next chapter is all Renji and Rukia, yay! I see we have a few new faces this last round *taps fingertips together ala Mister Burns* Excellent... luring them in one reluctant reviewer at a time. ^_^ As always I want to thank the loyal reviewers who have been following me from the start and reviewing every chapter, I always look forward to your reactions of what happens. I makes me even anticipate, even more, the chapters I'm going to post later on when the action really starts cooking. I promise I won't forget you all, even when I get a PS3 and Final Fantasy XIII. ;D I hope you enjoyed and I look forward to Thursday, in the meantime... please leave a contribution in the little box.