Close Encounters 25
His eyes were like flint as he said it, and he didn't look at her. He just pushed their Rover to go faster.
"Gun range?" Kate echoed, stunned.
He set his jaw, hands at ten and two on the wheel. He looked furious.
"Castle."
He finally gave her a look, fast and terrible as it was. "I don't want to. But you were right."
"Why don't you want me to?" she cried out. The car was going fast. Was he crazy? "Slow down. Rick. Slow down."
He clutched the wheel hard but his foot eased off the gas. She felt her galloping heart tumble to a canter. Fuck, what was with him today?
"I don't want to even - but you were right. You're the weak link in our security right now. And even though it's been necessary these past few months, it's not any longer."
She let out a breath, a little hurt by weak link even though she'd said it first. She'd been saying it. She wanted out and she wanted her damn qualification test cleared up. She wasn't an invalid; she was strong.
Her arms were going to shake for the rest of the day if she did this, but she had to get in the practice if she wanted to pass her test. "Thank you."
"Damn it," he growled. "Don't thank me. Fuck. Fucking hell, Kate."
"Why are you so pissed at me?"
"I'm not pissed at you. I'm fucking pissed at myself. I keep doing this. I just refuse to see it when it comes to you. I'm your commanding officer and I can't even do a quality assessment of my agent in the field?"
"It's a little different."
He slammed the heel of his hand into the top of the steering wheel and she flinched. The wolf in him was out, and she hadn't seen Castle's snarl in months. She'd forgotten somehow, even with that tattoo as big as her fist on his chest; she'd forgotten how brutal he could be.
Easy to forget when this was the same man who rocked his son to sleep, wide hands cradling such a precious little body.
"It shouldn't be any different," Castle said finally, twisting the wheel in his hands as he drove. At least his speed stayed steady. "I should be better than this. I am on the fucking regimen. I should be better."
"Hey," she said quickly, reaching out and playing with fire by taking his hand from the steering wheel. She squeezed his fingers, pried him off it by a thumb. "Hey. Regimen can't make you see past one really big blind spot, Rick. You love me. You love me and it makes it hard to think critically, to be unbiased about this."
"You do it pretty fucking well," he rasped.
Reflex - her first instinct - was to release his hand, curl in, and then go on the attack. But therapy battled past the wound and made her keep his hand, draw it to her lap to hang on to him. Not let him do it either. "I compartmentalize, yeah. You know I do that really well. But when it comes to you, I keep doing really stupid shit. Let's not forget Tunisia, baby."
A startled choking sound came out of his throat that she was going to score as a laugh. One point for Beckett. He tightened his fingers around hers now, with her for it.
"I thought it would be too soon," he said lamely. His jaw worked and then he sighed. "But you said if I can hold James, I can hold my service weapon. And I just - well, fuck. Of course you can. And why didn't I see that? I didn't want to see it."
"But you see it now. That counts for something."
"And how many weeks have we lost? Weeks where you could've been regaining that skill? Fuck - what if - what if you need it and you don't have it and it was my fault-"
"Castle," she interrupted harshly. "Castle. Do not start that. That's not you."
"Maybe it is me. I feel like this damn regimen has ruined everything and he..."
She waited but he didn't finish it and her heart was trembling for him. He just got so deeply wounded when he was finally cut. It had taken a while to get him - everything usually just rolled right off of him - but when he'd finally been struck, his first blood was practically a mortal blow.
"I'm sorry, Rick." She lifted one hand from his and cupped the back of his neck, stroking his hair. "I'm so sorry."
"I was just... counting on it, you know?" he rasped. She could see him chewing on the inside of his cheek to keep it all under control. "Counting on it to come through for me because it's all I got from him worth a damn."
"What do you mean?" she whispered.
"He didn't even teach me anything. He fucking threw me in the deep end, all the time. I've got James's hands in mine and I'm walking him across the living room and that's - that's how a father is supposed teach his son."
"Oh. Rick." She gripped his neck, heart twisting. "Baby. I know. I-"
"I don't expect to find that he loves me or - fuck. Fuck, I don't. I haven't for a long time. That piece in him is broken, I don't know. But he had me on the program, drilled it into me, and I thought, fucking hell, at least when I'm super - at least when I'm super, I can save us. I'm worth something."
"God," she croaked, rising up on her knees in the seat to lean into him. She pressed her mouth hard to his jaw just below his ear, trying not to absolutely wreck them, wanting so badly to wrap herself around him. "You're worth - everything. Everything. Don't-"
"I meant." His hand came up and gripped her by the bicep, squeezing. "I meant it like - protecting you, saving your life - just. Fuck. I don't know. But the regimen is his legacy, what he's given me, and at least I could use that to save you."
She sank back on her heels, tangled up in the seatbelt, and Castle shot her a fast look. There was a thunderstorm in those blue eyes, and she didn't like it.
"I hope that's not because of me," she got out. "Because I got - I got obsessed with the regimen and maybe you think that's the only way I want you? But that's not true, Castle. That's not at all true. I'd love you if you were..."
"What? A fucking accountant?" he laughed. It didn't sound good.
"Yes," she insisted. "I wouldn't be able to help it. An accountant. A teacher. A - a writer. You're - that essential part of you, that doesn't change no matter your job, the program. And in case you missed it, I don't need protecting, Rick. If you really were my accountant, you'd have learned that lesson."
He growled, indecipherable, but she didn't want this to fall off into silence. This stuff needed to be said, and maybe she was finally strong enough for him to feel like he could say it.
"Would you love me if I was just a cop and you were just an accountant?"
His head swiveled to hers for half a second and then back to the road. "Would we even work if I were?"
"Would you give up on me?" she whispered.
"God, no."
"Just because you're an accountant doesn't change this," she insisted. But oh, something in her was so fucking relieved to hear him say that. "We used to - we used to talk about being normal. Do you remember that? You and me, we used to talk about doing that."
"And now we are?"
"Are we?"
His hands flexed on the steering wheel. "No. I - no."
"You're taking me to the shooting range as a reward for good behavior. No, we're not normal. And didn't we - we both were so bored with it. When it happened to us. Like that weekend after you recovered from the super bug and we went out for drinks with the guys and then stayed in?"
"Yeah," he husked. "We were - it was pretty boring."
"So even - even if you were an accountant and I was a cop, or fuck, let's be wild here, if my mother had never been murdered-"
"What would you be?" he asked. "I've never even asked. Oh, I know. A lawyer. That's you."
"A lawyer," she said softly, but it hurt. It hurt, thinking about them not-fucked-up. "We wouldn't be here, would we? God, Castle, none of this - I wouldn't have you at all."
She turned her face to the window, sucking in a breath. She was going to cry. Fuck. Just like that and her confidence was shaken.
"You'd have me," he husked. His hand came out and roughly snagged hers, dropping heavy in her lap. "I'd find you. I'd - I'd have to need a lawyer at some point."
"We're really fucked up."
"We were." His hand squeezed hers. "Fuck, I didn't mean to drag you down with me. Beckett, come on. Gun range, see? There's the sign for it. Cheer up, you get to shoot out your frustration and rage in two miles."
She choked on a laugh and blinked hard as the sign flew past. He was going well above the speed limit again, but it wasn't like he didn't know how to drive like a damn professional.
"I just got pissed about overlooking something so big," he went on. "That's all this was. No existential crisis, I swear. I know what we are to each other. That's - damn, baby - that has never been in question."
She looked over at him, saw him take a quick look at her, but he kept his eyes on the road. She appreciated that too. She still had a hold of his hand, she wanted to get off this idea that they'd ever have been different people in another life.
She doubted, highly doubted, that a Kate Beckett untwisted by her mother's case could have held a man like him. Too young, too immature, too stupid, too willing to take the world for granted. There had been no mystery to the eighteen year old version of herself, and maybe college would have given her a little texture, but she hadn't any depth. No purpose in her life other than the superficial idea to follow in her mother's footsteps.
She hadn't had purpose before Castle anyway. She'd had a crusade, a fucking death wish really, and she'd locked in on that one thing to the detriment of all else. Castle had locked in on her, and now here they were.
"It was so bad for me before you came," she got out.
His hand tightened around hers. "I - can say the same. It was - bleak, Kate. It was pointless before you came. You were everything good, and you've created all this with me, and I just - I wanted to be better for you."
She stroked her thumb over the back of his hand, glanced at him and tried to read his mind. "Why did this make you so upset, Rick? You didn't want me to do too much too soon. I understand. We've been battling about that for weeks."
"I was just - blind. I'm your damn PT, I've taken that on because we're keeping secrets about all of this, and I should've... I should've seen it."
"You saw it - finally. With maybe a little of my help. How is that different from all the other times?"
"I need to be able to do a damn assessment. I need to trust my own judgment."
"This is such a small thing," she murmured. She still didn't understand why he was so torn up, why it mattered so much that the 'regimen had failed' him. "It's not the regimen's fault you had a judgment error. You've been protecting me, Castle."
"Exactly. I have to be able to trust my judgment because - when it comes to knowing your limits - I sure as hell can't trust you."
"Fuck," she whispered.
"Damn it," he sighed.
She drew her knees up and put her elbows on top, burying her head in her hands. Fucking hell. Fuck. That really - really hurt. Shit.
"Damn it. Kate."
"Fuck," she groaned, dropping her forehead to her knees to breathe.
"Fucking hell. Kate. Kate, just-"
"I have worked-" She lifted her head, staring out of the windshield towards the welcoming signs for the gun range just head of them. "I have worked months trying to be - to be good."
"God. Kate-"
"I haven't even - I didn't even go for a run until you were okay with it. I didn't even carry my son to bed because-"
"Hell. Kate. Stop."
"Pull over," she croaked. "I want out."
"Kate."
"Pull over."
"No."
"I'm so - you broke my heart, Castle."
"Oh, God. Fuck. Kate."
She wanted to fucking hit him. He couldn't trust her. She'd done nothing but follow his fucking rules. She'd been so good. It had killed her, not picking up her son, not holding him when he'd called for her and after he'd been crying himself to sleep for nine days-
"Kate."
He had pulled over.
She yanked on the door handle but Castle had already lunged for it, closed it back. "No. Stop it. Kate. I - didn't mean it like that, baby. Look at me. I'm dying here."
She choked and pressed her hands to her face. She couldn't-
"Wrong choice of words. Okay, okay, totally inappropriate, but you scared the shit out of me with that breaking my heart shit. Kate. Fastest way to rip mine out. Okay? So are we even?"
She was holding herself stiffly in his arms, but she could still throw a fucking punch. She really wanted to. She really wanted to sock him for it.
"Okay, okay. Wow. We're both feeling a lot better if we're fighting, right? That's a good sign. Yay for therapy."
She wasn't going to let him make her laugh. Fucking hell, no. She was not laughing at that.
"And I know I'm always the talker, but you gotta say something here, baby. Look, here's the gun range. It's so close. I promise you can pretend that every single target has my face on it."
She grunted, but the laugh popped out. "I hate you."
"Yeah, sweetheart. I know you do. I know." He loosened his arms and she lifted her face, saw his eyes a little heartbroken. Well fuck, she was too. This whole time she had been so damn good, trying for him, trying not to push it, and he's-
"Hey," he whispered. "Don't. Let's just - let it lie. Work it out on the gun range, Kate, and I'll work on my issues. Because I know it's not fair to you. It's not fair to you and all the work you've done these past few months. Okay?"
She sucked in a breath; she really wanted to fucking punch him, or somehow make him pay, but he had taken all the wind out of her sails. She didn't have it left. She just wanted to go fucking shoot things.
"Start the car," she said finally.
He eased away from her, kept giving her looks, but he started the engine again.
He better. If the gun range didn't completely push her past her endurance, she was going to make him pay, she was going to torture him for that.
"I need some help," she said sweetly.
Castle turned and stared at her, already decked out in their safety gear. She was smiling at him with that faint falseness to it that made his blood go cold, but she stepped up against his side and practically rubbed her breasts against his arm.
Whoa. Fuck. Kate. What-?
"Can you spot me until I get my aim back?"
"I..."
"Thanks," she said, her voice pitched low. Seductive.
Oh, hell. Oh, fucking hell, she was going to get him back right here.
"I..."
Beckett trailed her fingers down his arm until she got to his palm. His skin rippled under her touch and he rocked forward on his feet. A guy passing them at the front desk shot Beckett a look and Castle bristled, staring the asshole down until he went on his way.
Her fingers brushed his as she moved for their slot, and he jerked to follow her, knees a little weak.
"Kate?"
She didn't speak, didn't even turn to look at him, but he followed. He couldn't help but follow. He'd said some shitty things in the car on the way here; it had just come out all wrong. He didn't want to think about it. She was on her feet and striding away from him, so she was okay, right?
Castle slid his ear protection on his head and stepped into the booth with her, shut the door after them. Beckett had already started taking apart the weapon assigned to them by the range - she had disdained the use of his own gun, and she wasn't allowed to carry hers yet.
Maybe that was part of it. Residual anger...
Beckett had the thing back together in seconds, the clip snicking into place, and she spread her legs into an isosceles.
His palms were tingling.
Beckett slapped a hand against the red set button in the booth and the long track of the target moved into place at ten yards. She pressed the button again and it moved back to fifteen yards.
When she raised her hand to hit it again, Castle grabbed her by the wrist. "Start there, Beckett."
She shot him a death-glare and jerked her hand out of his grip, slapped the red button. The target moved back to twenty yards, and then again to twenty-five - the maximum.
At the far end of the track, the Q target was so small that Castle could only make out the curl of the tail on the letter in center of mass.
Beckett set up her spread, raised her arms, gauntleted her shooting hand with her left hand, cupping the base of her weapon. He saw her breathing, in and out in long, steady respirations, and then she put out a burst of weapons-fire.
She'd aimed for the head.
Fucking hell.
And she had missed.
"Beckett." But of course she couldn't hear him with the noise-suppressors on her ears. He sighed and rubbed his jaw, but Beckett had replaced the gun on the hip high platform and turned to him. He swallowed as she approached.
Her hand came to the right muffler and lifted it from his ear. Her body pressed to his body and he gulped, eyes trailing up to the ceiling where the red light was off on the surveillance camera. He'd flashed his credentials and gotten the equipment disconnected, but holy hell, this was not the place.
"Castle," she drawled in his ear. "Looks like I need some help with my aim."
"Beckett," he croaked. He could tell she barely heard him, but she must have seen his mouth moving. She snapped the protection back over his ears and he jumped when the sound popped in his eardrum.
She turned, her ass bumping his hip, and brought her hands down to his, tugged on him as she walked back to the shooting platform. She kept him on a short leash, his chest brushing the back of her shoulders, her hair in his nose and smelling sweet.
"Beckett-"
But of course she couldn't hear him. She brought him with her to the platform and she placed his hands on her hips as she reached for the gun. He groaned and dropped his chin into the crease at her neck, breathing through the curtain of her hair. Her hips twitched under his hands and he rubbed his thumbs over the rise of her ass.
She brought the gun up, shrugged her shoulder to get his attention. He lifted his head and saw down the line of her braced arms to the target.
Castle took a breath and skimmed his hands up her ribs and to her shoulders, bracing himself first, and then he clasped his hands around hers, ghosting her.
"Loosen up," he murmured at her ear. Whether she heard him or not, her body thrummed with tension for an instant longer before she relaxed.
Castle tilted his chin into her hair again, brushed it aside to get as close as the safety goggles would allow. He could feel her breathing within the cage of his body, against his chest and between his arms, and he couldn't help shifting a knee between hers, spreading her legs a little wider.
Kate let out a noise, a tremor went through her like she might cry, but in the next instant, she growled and unloaded the last of her clip into the target.
She hit the Q perfectly, a cluster center of mass without a second's thought.
She had him.
She had him hot and bothered and ready to fall all over himself at her least little command, and all it did was make her a little sick.
It didn't make her stop hurting.
Even the way he'd touched her while they were alone in the shooting booth, the video surveillance turned off, even that had only chased it away for a few minutes.
First time for everything. She usually felt so good when she had him. Not today.
There were deeper wounds, and she wasn't up to this.
"Kate?"
"I might sleep on the drive back," she said, curling her knees up into the seat. Castle paused, the car in gear, not even out of the parking lot. She put her head against the window. "It's a couple hours to get my strength back. Okay?"
He let out a noise like a sigh and she closed her eyes.
"No."
Her eyes flew open.
"No, it's not okay. Sit up, Beckett."
She turned to look at him, and he was backing out of the space and putting the car into gear. He met her eyes for a grim moment and she sat up, wrapping her arms around her knees.
"Feet on the floor," he said. "I mean. Please. A conversation. Instead of just - using sex to get back at me."
She swallowed and dropped her feet to the floor of the car, pressed her hands to her knees.
"You liked it."
"Yeah. Course."
She sighed, pushing her head against the headrest, clamping her lips together. He had always been able to get to her, from the beginning, abducting her on the side of the road and his fingers tracing the cuffs around her wrists in the glare of a spotlight. Interrogation turned flirtation, and the close of that Chinese spy case had sealed the deal.
Done deal. That's what they were. Didn't mean he couldn't hurt her and she couldn't hurt him. Didn't mean he didn't fucking deserve it.
"Cause you made this little noise..." she trailed off, shooting him a look.
He grunted and the car rocked forward a little and she tried not to smile.
"That was a little new," he said, voice gruff.
"Something I've been thinking about," she gave. "Had a lot of down time recently."
"Fuck," he whispered.
She smiled, closed her eyes. Well, she felt a little better. Didn't know about him, but that had boosted her confidence. The act of it hadn't been much more than urgent and desperate and angry, but she could relish the conversation now.
"So you wanted to talk?" she said.
"Well, hell. You always gotta feel like you're on top to be comfortable enough to talk to me, Beckett? Cause I thought we were better than that."
"And I thought you trusted me," she shot back. "So. You know. If I need to feel like I can twist you around my little finger, then fuck, I will."
He grunted and she wasn't feeling too kindly towards him anyway so she ignored it, but of course, part of her - part of her was still curled up in the seat.
He couldn't trust her? Fucking hell.
"I trust you," he said. "I do trust you. Let me clear up this miscommunication. What I meant was that you're amazing. You don't stop. You're going to show up and go fucking all out - no matter the personal cost."
"Well, that sounds lovely," she snarked. But it did make her proud, stupidly, even though she knew he thought it was terrible. "And you're so in love with that, aren't you? Because you're the personal cost."
"I... no. You're the personal cost. That's what I mean. You ignore yourself. You, Kate. Because you don't think you're worth it or you don't see your own health or well-being as important enough. The ends don't justify the means."
She didn't know what to say to that. He was using her own rule against her; she was the one who always told him the ends didn't justify the means, that he couldn't just bully his way through to the right solution.
She couldn't bully her own body either. That's what he was saying.
"So I took that on," he said quietly. "That's my job, looking out for you. I don't want you any different, Kate. I love you. So it's my - my honor - my personal honor to look out for you. Like you look out for me."
She shifted to look at him. "Your honor?"
"Because you - you need me."
She opened her mouth but there was just nothing.
He sighed. "You need me and I dropped the ball. I wasn't there for you. I wasn't even super - if I had been super, then-"
"You still would have missed it," she said harshly. "Being super doesn't make me tell you things that I don't even know myself. I didn't know it was so bad. It felt like panic attacks and I told you that - I'm being good for you, Castle. I am trying everything to be good and to not-"
"What are you - I don't - if I had been super-"
"It's not about you," she hissed. "Super or not super has nothing to do with how far I fucking push myself. Super is for you, Castle. Because you need it to stay alive. To-"
"Are you hearing yourself?" he rasped. "Do you hear what lies you're telling yourself?"
"Lies?"
"You just said being super has nothing to do with how you push yourself. But I'm not super and you run to my father in Tunisia. I'm not super and you collapse in the rain in Paris. I'm not super and you-"
"Fuck," she croaked, pressing the heels of her hands into her eyes. Just to stop him. Stop it.
"So don't pretend that the regimen is all about me."
"Are you saying - You're saying that you're taking the regimen because otherwise I - otherwise I'm pushing myself too hard, I'm-"
"Because you'll kill yourself for me, Kate."
She sucked in a slow breath, but it was true. It was true. And if... if that's what kept him alive, then she couldn't regret it. "But you'd kill yourself for me," she said finally. "You're doing it right now. Taking the regimen. Aren't you? You've always thought that taking the regimen... that it kills some part of you."
"Yes," he sighed. "I'd kill myself for you."
She noted the conditional. He would, not he was. She hoped for that, at least. "I'm not trying to kill us. You or me. You know the regimen doesn't alter who you are, Castle. Rick. It doesn't - oh."
She got it. She got it now. Holy fuck, how had she not seen it before?
He was so silent beside her, lost in it, still unable to see.
"It doesn't align you with him, with Black," she said. "Just because you're taking the regimen. Actually, honey, it aligns you with me. With me. Because you're doing it for me, to protect me, aren't you?"
"I... yeah."
"Just because he started this, it's his program, that doesn't make you his."
"Feels... feels like it does. It feels like I'm just accepting it. Going back to him. Right along with everything he planned out for me - and he didn't plan you. He doesn't want you for me, Kate, but I want you."
She chewed on her lip, cast her hand out to grip his arm. "You're not his. You're not on his side. The regimen is simply what you need to live. What we both need for you to live. I want you, and you need this, sweetheart."
His jaw pulsed.
"I know it sucks. I'm sorry it has to be like this. But we are making headway, you know. We've got a whole medical team, James is a closed system-"
He grunted, and she bit her lip to keep back a smile.
"We can make you a closed system," she offered. She didn't even know if it was true. She hoped so, for him.
"Maybe we can," he said, shrugging. "But for you-"
"If you're good, I'm good."
He turned his head to her, a long look before he was gazing at the road again. "See, Kate," he said softly. "That's your driving philosophy, and it's not always true. Your heart might be good if I'm good, but your physical well-being could be shot to hell. And since you love me, since you love me, Kate, the least I can do is be sure that you really are good."
"I can take care of myself," she husked, dropping her hand from him. "It's my life, Castle. I've let you bully me, I've let you get away with a lot, but it's still... it's still my life."
"It's not. Not anymore. I'm involved in this. And James is too, you know. What happens to you matters to other people, and it always has, but you just can't seem to care. So I'm the one who does the caring. I took that on, Kate, because you're mine."
She gritted her teeth and glanced away, folding her arms over her chest. "Because you don't trust me to know," she got out. "This is my fault, I see that, because I've let you treat me like this, I've let you bully me. Something in me - something in me wants it. I need to prove myself, that's always been how I work. I need to prove myself to you-"
"The fuck you-"
"But I had thought - I thought therapy had helped me - had gotten me to a place where I didn't have to prove myself. I can - I thought I could, but I have been - I have still been trying to prove myself to you. All this time, I have been so good. So good. For you. Because you need it. I just kept trying to live up to all your rules for me, and I'm so tired of it. I'm so worn out with keeping track of what I can and can't do, like I'm never good enough, it's never enough-"
"No. Stop. No. Kate."
She stopped, words damming up in her, and she sank her head against the window and watched the interstate go by.
He didn't say anything either, just breathing hard, and she hadn't the strength for it. She just felt bad.
She was never going to be enough.
Kate turned her body in the seat and closed her eyes.