Close Encounters 25

It was a bad week. She was lethargic and achey; she had physical therapy sessions with Castle while her father took care of James, and even simple stretches made her wrung out. He would whisper encouragement in her ear that she knew had to go against his instincts, come on, Kate, you can do it; one more. But he kept on.

So she did too.

Logan came by after a bad session on Thursday, which happened to be James's eight months birthday, the seventeenth of June. It was already summer, and she felt as trapped and bleak as a winter afternoon.

"Hey, Kate," Logan called to her from the entry. He had James hanging on his knees as the boy gave his own welcome, pulling to be lifted up. "How ya feeling, sexy?"

"You punk," she said back. She was on the couch with Sasha, refusing to go upstairs and crawl into bed even though she wanted to. "I feel like crap. Castle call you?"

"Yeah," Logan said. He was following her father to the living room, swinging James into his arms. He pretended to eat James's fingers and the boy pealed with laughter, making Kate smile.

"I've been reading about the detox program at UCLA," she told him. "Castle found it."

"Yeah, that journal article has been making the rounds of the team," Logan answered. He dropped James into her lap and she couldn't even catch him; her arms were like jello. James, smart kid, had gotten a grip of Sasha's fur to stabilize himself and was dragging his little body to the couch cushion.

"Sorry," she sighed. "I feel like I can barely lift my arms. And Sasha thinks something is wrong. She's been plastered to my side."

"Yeah, that study - they used dogs to detect minor imbalances." Logan was settling down on the coffee table in front of her, opening up his kit.

James let out a screech and turned back to her. "Mama!"

She laughed, startled by that distinct calling of her name. She leaned forward and cupped his cheeks. "I'm fine. Mommy's fine. Logan is our friend, remember?"

"Mum-mum-mum," he mumbled, trying to crawl back into her lap.

Her father helped James back up when it was clear Kate didn't have the strength for it. And then the thunder of heavy feet on the stairs told them all that Castle was coming down. When he cleared the staircase and came through the foyer, James called out for him.

"Dadada!"

They all chuckled and Castle looked all right, actually; he was smiling and he picked James up from Kate's lap. "Hey, wolf. Let me hold you while Mama gets blood drawn."

James tried to swing out from Castle's grip, and Kate sat up, terrified at how quickly James lunged, feeling the flutter in her heart. But Castle didn't let go and James was giggling like a fool with his head thrown back, dark hair standing up as he hung upside down.

"Fast jab," Logan warned.

She barely felt the needle, only noticed because James stopped giggling, grew somber as he stared at her. "James. Hey, Jay," she called to him. "Everything's fine. Want to sit close to me? Castle, bring him over here."

Her husband eased onto the couch beside her, trying not to jostle Logan, and she made a fist to keep the blood pumping. Her blood pressure was low, she knew, had been all week, and they'd all been talking about her calcium levels: calcium was necessary to maintain a regular heartbeat.

But she'd been off restrictions for two weeks, and she was hoping it was just a really awful lack of endurance. She was going to the gun range and doing PT and sleeping all the time, and maybe it was just catching up to her.

James was calm now that he was beside her, but he stretched out of Castle's arms to crawl into her lap. Castle tried to hold him, but Kate used her free arm to circle James's body.

"You have to sit very quietly with me," she warned him. James hunched his shoulders and went still. She chuckled, glancing to Castle, and he looked pretty damn proud. They'd been having conversations about being 'good' to Mommy, she knew.

"Good job, wolf," Castle murmured. Kate curled her arm up and rested the top of her chin on James's head, his chin tucked into her elbow. He liked that, and his hands came to her arm; she got a slobbery, open-mouthed kiss for it too.

"Oh, thank you, Jay. Just what I wanted."

"All right, first vial is done," Logan announced. "Now, hold still, Mommy. Getting the second."

She braced James for the switch-off. He was very good, and so still, and then when Logan had it, James lifted his hands from her arm and clapped.

They all laughed, even her father, who hadn't found much of this humorous.

She'd felt like shit all week, but it was worth this moment. This was pretty special.

She leaned in carefully and kissed James's cheek. "Love you, wolf boy."

He brought the baby to the couch when James finally nodded off, sank slowly to the cushions. Kate was curled in the corner, asleep as well, and when Castle had adjusted himself and the boy, he laid his hand on her calf, let out a long breath.

Bad week. Bad few weeks.

He tilted his head back against the top of the couch and mindlessly stared up at the ceiling. Nap time was beginning to be one of his favorite parts of the day. Not that he didn't love his kid awake, but Kate was more likely to let it go and sleep when James was asleep.

Everyone could sleep.

Castle shifted deeper into the cushions and cradled his son with one hand, let his eyes finally close. Kate's shoulder was still not quite right, and Castle had actually ordered at-home ultrasound therapy under the guise that it was for her healing 'gunshot wound.' He really wanted it to use on her shoulder, but it would help sell their cover to the CIA top brass too.

Rough week. He was glad it was the weekend. Not that it meant much when they were still on suspension, but it seemed like it would be easier now. Friday afternoon, the baby asleep, Kate resting-

"Hey."

He startled, eyes opening, hand pressing into James. Kate was lifting her head and shifting towards him, crawling down the couch only to drop her cheek against his thigh.

He laid his free hand on her shoulder. "Hey."

"I'm tired."

"I bet." He laughed. "Me too."

She took a breath in and he realized how it sounded, the guy on the regimen.

"Just - weary at heart, Kate. Doesn't make me feel good, fighting with you. Even worse when you feel bad too."

"Yeah," she husked. "Knew what you meant."

He let out a breath. At least he wouldn't have to guard his words around her. That would suck. They had the kind of relationship where he'd always been able to shoot off at the mouth, and even when it annoyed the crap out of her, she could take it for what it was.

Well, except when he broke her heart. He didn't want to do that again. He just had this tendency to start talking, to talk his way into or out of anything, and combine that with this urge to spill his guts before her, and he kept saying really stupid shit.

"You sound sad," she said from his thigh.

"Yeah." And that had come out thoughtlessly too. "You know what King says. Gets worse before it gets better."

"Yeah," she offered. Her fingers dug in under his knee like she was holding on to him. "Can it be better already?"

He smiled, rubbed his palm up and down Kate's arm like he was doing to James's back, realized he was doing it a second too late. Ah, well. Felt good. Like he could actually soothe her as he did the baby.

"Feels good," she murmured.

He laughed at that, and he drew a knee up, tapped her shoulder. "Come on then. Up, up, Kate. Crawl up here with me. Jay's out for a while."

She lifted her head and he pushed his feet to the end of the couch, getting comfortable, rearranging the baby. James whimpered in his sleep and switched cheeks, mouth puckering as he settled again, and Castle brushed a kiss to the top of his head. Kate watched them a moment and then crawled up to lay down at his side, her leg tangled with his so that her toes curled at his ankle, tucked into the top of his low sock.

He drew his free arm around her shoulders and hugged her against him, kissing the top of her head now too. She lifted her chin and met his mouth, a brief glance of lips and a soft exhale as she finally loosened up. Her head came back to his chest and she pressed her palm against his shirt, smoothing it down in front of her face. She wasn't closing her eyes though, and he wondered if she wanted to talk.

He traced a pattern on her shoulder with his fingers, traced the same pattern over James's back, doing what he could, mindless with the sense of them at his skin and over his body. He closed his own eyes, waiting on her if she wanted to, content even in the midst of some pretty terrible days lately.

She was alive. All of this was bonus, extra. He'd begged for her life and gotten it back and now every second she was here, even if they were fighting, even if she frustrated him beyond all endurance, even if he was ready to throttle her, it felt like a gift he could never be worthy of, a gift he'd been given anyway.

"I was looking for James's elephant," Kate said suddenly into their silence. Her voice was slow, drowsy almost, and he didn't stop trailing his fingers around and around the bare skin of her arm.

"You found it," he said finally. "Cause he's got it tucked under him."

"Yeah," she whispered. "But - you know it used to be mine."

"What. The elephant?"

"You gave it to me for my birthday," she murmured.

He smiled. "Yeah, I did. Funny, that ended up being your last birthday without him."

"Oh," she said, sounding surprised. "It was. Weird."

"Prophetic of me," he said back, curling his fingers under the material of her tank top and tucking them under her bra.

"James does that," she sighed.

"James does - oh this?" He ran his fingers under the strap, readjusting it, and she wriggled her shoulder, nodding against his chest. He let it pop softly back into place, smoothed his hand out over her upper arm. "Sorry."

"No, I like it." She had her palm pressed to his chest and she drew a finger in, began tracing what he knew were the unseen lines of the wolf tattoo. "You distracted me. The elephant."

"Oh. Right. His elephant that used to be yours. He's appropriated it, you know. I'm not sure you want it back either. The fur has gotten patchy - it's corduroy anyway, so that was bound to-"

Suddenly her fingers were over his lips, lightly, tasting of salt and faintly of peanut butter. He went silent and he felt her smiling at his chest. Her fingers traced the lines of his mouth and settled in the cleft of his chin and he was practically holding his breath, waiting for her.

"When I went looking," she started again, "I found it in James's closet."

"The panic room," he laughed softly. He had finished the last of the modifications about two months before James had been born, so that they could still use the closet aspect of the space. He had made the panic room door open inward with the collapse of the shelves, but it required a twist of the wrist against a knob at hip height. He'd wanted James to be able to get to it, if the boy needed it - or if he wanted a private space to hide out when he was old enough to be responsible about it.

"I guess you dumped everything in the closet after... after the jungle."

"What?" he asked, not sure what she was talking about now.

"The timeline I made in that - closet. Before. Because there were pieces left. This was - right after - long before James was born. When we were allowed back in our own home, I went looking for the elephant because I wanted it for our baby."

"Oh," he said, deflating so suddenly that Kate wrapped her hand behind his neck and lifted up. He gave her a weak smile and she sighed, leaning in to dust a kiss at his cheek.

"I love you."

That did it, wow. Just like that, it filled him up again, made him feel like he could face it. Whatever it was. That damn timeline she had made of his life so she could ferret out the last of the regimen.

"The elephant was on the bottom shelf and so were a few of the notes I'd made. Photocopies of the stories you'd written out for me. I miss those, Castle. I miss your journals that King made us do. I miss the words you find to explain our life and our - love - and I wish-"

"Okay," he said, gripping the back of her shirt in his fist. "Okay. I can do that. Easy. That's so easy, Kate. I'll write you every day for the rest of our lives if you want to read it."

Her smile was so achingly shy, and she buried her face against his chest before popping back up again. "Yeah?"

"Course."

She grinned a little wider and pushed with her toes against his ankle, came up enough to kiss him. "Yeah?"

"Of course. Anything. Writing about how much I love you-"

"And stories," she whispered. "The stories you have - yours. I want to know. Because I love you, not because I want to - investigate you. I want to know what you were like when you were James's age, what you wanted to do, how it was at West Point-"

He chuckled. "Okay. All right. But - I give you mine if you do the same."

"Do I have to write it?"

He tilted his head. "No. You can just... talk to me."

"Yeah," she smiled. "Yeah, I can do that. I can talk to you." She kissed him again, softer this time, her fingers scratching in his hair before she laid back down at his side. "I can talk."

She drew her hand back down his chest and suddenly at his waist, up under his shirt so that his breath caught. She pressed her hand to the bare skin at his tattoo and he felt it all over, electric and raw, like she had hold of his lungs.

"Kate," he choked out.

She was relentless, he knew that, but he hadn't expected-

Oh, she had fallen asleep.

Holy hell, she had fallen asleep.

Kate teased his lips with the spoon and James turned his head, pressing his cheek to the back of the highchair.

"Come on, wolf. I know you're hungry," she murmured. She propped an elbow on the tray of the highchair, even knowing as she did it that she was hovering too close.

James grinned shyly from the side of his mouth, peeking at her with one eye, still keeping his face turned away from the spoon.

She smiled back at him, ducking her head. "Hey, little wolf. You wanna just try it? Because you love me?"

"Mama!" he said, a little triumphant about it. But it opened up his mouth and she shoved the spoonful of baby carrots inside.

James blanched.

"Oh, no," she warned him. "Don't you dare."

He pressed his hand to his mouth like he couldn't understand what had just happened, fingers coming away with orange slime.

"No, baby, swallow it. You love your bananas and the rice cereal and even the sweet potatoes which smell like poop. Come on. Carrots. Carrots are-"

Oh, shit.

James shoved his hand out at her, smeared with carrots, and caught a fistful of her hair. Kate winced, but she knew better than to pull back.

"Okay. I get it. Not a fan of carrots."

"Mama." James grunted and tugged on her hair. "Mommy. Mommy. Mommy-"

"That's really lovely, you know I love hearing you call my name, but ouch, baby - gross. This is really gross. I have carrots-"

"James." Castle came in through the dining room, strolling in like a superstar, pointing a finger at his son. "Let her go."

James released her hair like magic; he absolutely couldn't have been following his father's orders, there was no way, he was just responding to Castle's tone of voice or excited to see him or-

"Dada-dadee!"

Kate rolled her eyes and sat back, and Castle came in smelling like sweat and summer and sunshine, even this late in the day.

"Hey, wolf. Is Mommy feeding you gross, nasty food?"

"Carrots."

"Daddy," James cried, lifting both hands to his father.

Castle leaned over as if to kiss him, hesitated with his lips inches from James's carrot-y face. "Huh. Well. Eat first. Eat your dinner, James. Aren't you hungry? You napped late."

"Hungry like the wolf," Kate muttered.

"What?"

She sighed. "Never mind. I'll educate you later." She leaned forward and scraped carrot off of James's cheeks and then sneaked the spoonful into his mouth. James made a face and pressed his fists into his mouth, but Castle caught both hands, tugged them away.

James was so surprised he didn't even resist, simply tilted his head back and stared up at his daddy.

"No more of that. Eat your dinner."

And, damn it all, if it didn't work. James dropped his hands back to the tray of the high chair and opened his mouth like a good little baby bird. Kate shoveled the last of the carrots inside, going fast, because at any second James was going to decide that he didn't like carrots at all, and where were his sweet potatoes, why was she playing this cruel trick on him?

When it was all gone, Kate couldn't help but applauding, so excited by such a small task. "Yay, James! Look. All gone! You did it."

Castle was laughing at her, moving around the kitchen now to make their own dinner, but she ignored him.

"You did so good. Yeah, you did. Wasn't it good after all? I'm not even feeding you mashed peas, which really should count for something here. Daddy wants to give you the peas every time-"

"Because we have like forty jars that I made for him. I made his damn baby food - I didn't even buy it already made. Seriously, Beckett."

She smirked, lifted her eyebrows as James. "See," she stage whispered. "You should be grateful it's me and not him. Those peas smell nasty."

"Teeeee," James crowed, arching his back in the high chair. "Mommy."

"I'm here. Hang on. Let me clean us both off. You got carrots in my hair and I wanna get those out."

But Castle was already approaching with a wet cloth and she took it, lifting her head to him, and he leaned in, kissed her softly. And then his lips traced her jaw and his tongue licked her skin. "Mm, don't know what's wrong with him. You taste amazing."

She laughed, shoving his face away, wrapping the dishcloth around her hair to get the carrots out. "Shut up."

But Castle was just grinning back at her, his eyes so deeply happy that they were nearly eclipsed by his smile. It was infectious, and she found herself beaming back at him, her chest filled up with it and her hands barely moving, staring into his eyes.

He came back and kissed her again, fingers cupping her chin and sliding back to cradle her neck, and she really just - she really just wanted to keep doing this.

"Can he eat bananas by himself?" Castle murmured. "He barely got any carrot down his throat anyway. Bananas."

"He'll mush them in his hair if we don't watch him."

Castle's fingers tripped down her collarbone and dipped her shirt. "Worth it? I'll do bath."

She caught her breath, snaked her arm around the back of his neck. "Worth it."

Castle woke sharply, aware and primed, blood thundering.

He thought, at first, it was just another nightmare. But Kate was standing over him, and he registered her hand on his shoulder, squeezing.

Her eyes were as dark as the night, but her face was like the moon, sick and waxing.

"Kate?" he rasped.

"I got - there's an email," she husked, turning away.

He stared after her, confused, bewildered by the early hour. It was... one in the morning? shit. And now she was walking away from him. He stumbled out of bed, glanced to the baby monitor but James was peaceful, the white noise of his breaths in dreams. He quickly moved to catch up with her.

"Kate?"

She took his hand and gripped him tightly, led him to the single room just off the hallway. His office.

"Kate?"

"I wasn't tired," she said, turning her head to look at him.

"Oh-kay." Was she sleep-walking? He'd never seen her look so strangely.

"I wasn't tired and so I just, I thought - I thought I'd do some work. Catch up. I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing, babe?" Her sleep had been erratic lately, more like usual actually, more like the Beckett he remembered. They had talked about it - the team, that was - they thought it was a good sign even if it meant she was tired during the day when the exhaustion hit her and her endurance ran out.

"I opened my email," she said. "And there was this." Kate gestured to the laptop screen and stepped back.

"We're suspended you know," he reminded her, trying to joke. She'd woken him at one for-

Oh, fuck.

It was from his father.

"God damn it," he rasped, sinking down into the office chair. He stared at the email, none of the words resolving, just staring.

He felt Kate come to his shoulder, her hip against the back of the office chair. He slid his arm out and twined it between her thighs, gripping her leg against him.

The words began to coalesce. Katherine-

Just that and his stomach churned, just calling her by name.

I see you are making good progress, though you and my son have been suspended. Quite clever a story. I suppose Richard thought of that one. Lying to a superior officer is a grave offense, you know. One I have quite a lot of practice at, should you need pointers on skirting the bureaucracy. Ironic, is it not? That the two of you have set up the very thing I strove so long and so hard to build. The program is alive and well in us, is it not?

"I fucking hate him," Castle growled. He knew that Kate wasn't happy about this set-up, that it bothered her conscience to be lying to their co-workers who were putting their lives on the line for them.

But Kate, this email is to warn you - be vigilant about illnesses. It would perhaps behoove you to stay in as much as possible until your immune system is no longer on high alert.

Fuck. High alert? There'd been no indication of an elevated immune response. He had - he had taken her outside, running, the park, grocery store. What the-

"Don't," she choked out. "Don't get stuck on what he says. We'll drive ourselves crazy second-guessing."

He nodded, but it was too late. He was second-guessing. He'd have to call Logan and Boyd and tell them about this.

In case you were worried, Diane Jolin was released from the American hospital in Paris. She was in an acute care facility for rehab - and apparently for some kind of terrible illness which infected her - but she has since disappeared.

"Holy shit," Castle croaked. "What happened to her?"

"I don't know. I don't-" Kate trembled beside him, sank down onto the arm of the office chair, her fingers gripping the back of his neck. "Black could be lying through his teeth. But..."

But.

In time, I will send someone your way. Don't forget: be vigilant.

"What the fuck does that even mean?" He scanned the rest of his father's email - more shit, more guilt-trips, more conniving and manipulating as the man tried to maintain his hold.

And sent, of course, to Beckett's work email while she was suspended. Black knew that suspended agents' files and computer trails were open for security reviews while they were gone. He knew that. He was looking to stir up trouble.

"You gotta delete this."

"I did," she rasped. "It came again."

"What?" He swiveled in the chair to look at her, heart pounding. "What do you mean-"

"I deleted it and it popped back up again. Like I hadn't read it. I don't know what's going on."

"Oh, God."

"We - should call Ryan. Or Mitchell? Would Mitch know-"

"No. He's got no clue. Ryan is - already involved in this. So him. He'll have to..." Castle trailed off, thinking about Jenny and Sarah Grace, thinking about how much Ryan stood to lose. "Hell. We need to figure this out on our own, Kate. We can't keep dragging people into the darkness with us."

She gave a noise that sounded like grief and Castle gripped her thigh, tried to struggle through this.

"We could-"

"No, we have to call Ryan," she whispered. "Castle, I've done all the programs, all the wipes and shredders and email rewrite programs we have and some the CIA isn't supposed to have as well, and it doesn't do any good. It just shows up again."

"Fuck."

"I don't want Ryan involved either, but if there's anything I've learned these last few years - we have got to let people help us. I have to let people help me. I can't fight alone. I'll never make it alone. We won't make it."

"Yeah," he gruffed. He felt sick, but they needed Ryan's expertise. He'd have to just - ask for help. "Yeah, I'll call him."

"Not tonight."

"Yes, tonight. This can't get sucked up by the computer searches. It can't. When's it dated?"

"Two days ago," she murmured. "It's already too late. So let Ryan sleep. We'll have him look at it tomorrow."

Hell. Fucking hell. His damn father.