Title: Virmire Part Twelve
Author: DinkyMew
Game: Mass Effect (One)
Disclaimer: Bioware owns all content and characters related to the Mass Effect franchise. Abigail Shepard is my own creation inspired by the character of Jane Shepard created by Bioware. All original characters contained herein are my own creations and are not necessarily affiliated with Bioware. The story may deviate from the original games and for this I ask your forgiveness, any liberties taken with the storyline are for entertainment purposes and not to offend. **You may not copy, distribute, edit this fanfiction as it stands without my expressed permission, thank you**
Characters Featured: Abigail Shepard (F); Kaidan Alenko (M); Garrus Vakarian (M); Jeff 'Joker' Moreau (M); Original Character Argyle Hobbins 'Hobbs' (M);
Kaidan was only semi-aware of Garrus' presence as they strode down the ramp-way of the Normandy back onto the beaches of Virmire. The rain had died down to a light drizzle, the sky still overcast and rumbling, but it was distant now – against the frantic beating of his heart it was so incredibly faint.
Ahead he could see the wrecked shuttle where the emergency signal was coming from; it had crashed against rocks, the nose half buried in the scorched sand, fragments of metal and glass leaving a wide trail about 7 feet long showing the vehicles crash trajectory. They were lucky to be alive at all.
He glanced to Garrus who looked equally surprised and concerned about the extent of the wreck and the Turian picked up his pace. Kaidan set his face grimly, knowing full well what lay ahead – the report relayed back from this mysterious operative had been detailed if brief. He kept step with Garrus, pausing as they reached the shuttle and the Turian stepped back allowing Kaidan to peer inside first.
He didn't even have to look inside before he saw Ashley, her face still, her eyes closed and sunken. She looked incredibly peaceful, her face marred with dirt and blood. He dropped to his knees to check her pulse; somehow hoping that the operative had been wrong; or mistaken; or that by some miracle his touch could will life back into her.
There was nothing there, her skin was ice cold.
He raised his eyes, movement catching his attention to the left, and saw the operative – or what he assumed had been the man that contacted the Normandy. His intense turquoise eyes watched Kaidan unwavering as he swallowed – his throat too dry to speak. It was then he saw Shepard, curled against the man, she was clinging to his frame and he was rocking her like a child.
"It's alright Tempy." The man whispered "Your crew's here now."
Kaidan didn't mean to flinch at the name – one that both confused and startled him at once. She knew this guy, whoever he was; the simple nickname suggested there was a richer history than Kaidan was aware of. Somehow in her state of shock Shepard glanced around, her gaze coming to Kaidan's slowly, and then as though realising what she was doing she jerked away from the operative. A little too quickly for it to be comfortable.
"Kaidan." She breathed, wiping at her tear stained face. Her blue eyes were lost and red rimmed, she didn't say anything else. She didn't have to.
"Commander." He said stiffly "The Normandy's touched down. Dr Chakwas is waiting in the medbay to examine you."
He retreated out of the wreck, the smoke and the smell of death making his chest tighten painfully. Or at least that is what he was telling himself. Numbly he ran a hand through his hair, unwilling to give the order he knew he had to.
Reluctantly he turned back to Garrus, nodding grimly and the Turian pressed the earpiece of his sniper visor.
"We're going to need that stretcher Joker." He said soberly "Ashley's gone."
There was a long pause before the pilot answered "A-alright." He said.
Kaidan turned to look back to the Normandy waiting, when the operative moved out of the wreck, his eyes scanning the terrain defensively before offering a hand to Garrus.
"Hobbs." He said, his accent was Scottish, thick and somehow friendly despite the circumstances.
"Garrus Vakarian." The Turian gave him a polite nod taking his hand awkwardly and then he turned to Kaidan with the same gesture.
"Staff Lieutenant Alenko." He said politely taking the man's hand briefly. It was a firm shake, and when he let go Hobbs immediately turned back to the wreckage, his head and shoulder disappearing inside. When he emerged he had Shepard's hand, guiding her slowly from the crashed shuttle. She stumbled as he drew her out into the daylight and for the first time Kaidan could see how white she was – whether from shock or blood loss he couldn't be sure.
All he knew was that he wanted to run to her in that second, to grab her into his arms and hold her against him knowing she was alive and safe. The fifteen minutes between the explosion of the facility and their contact from the operative had been the longest fifteen minutes of his life. He wanted nothing more than to kiss her; tell her he was so thankful she was alive, that everything was going to be alright, that he would never lose her like that again.
But he didn't.
It took every fibre of his being, but Kaidan didn't move a muscle, watching her as she pressed a hand to her forehead, looking out to the horizon and then back to the Normandy.
Hobbs made to touch her shoulder and she slapped his hand away, stepping past him instead. She strode toward the Normandy, her hands curling to fists at her side as she passed by Kaidan. She glanced his way, her blue eyes cold and lost but she didn't say anything, barely even looked at him as she pressed forward.
As he watched her retreating figure he could see two petty officers coming down the ramp-way with the stretcher, but his focus was on Abigail as she walked, her head held high – her dark hair billowing out behind her in the wind.
It was going to be a long journey back to Earth.
Abigail Shepard was staring at the blinking light of her console not so much thinking as she was feeling. Stripped down to nothing but her grey racerback top and briefs she was sat back in her desk-chair, one leg pulled up into her chest for her to lean her chin on, the other tucked under her. Somewhere inside she knew she should at least read those messages, but she couldn't bring herself to open them.
Stiffly she brought the glass she held in one hand to her lips, the brandy burning feeling into her throat as she took a tentative drink. She dropped her hand, the glass dangling at her fingertips as she took a deep breath, filling her lungs as far as they would go. Stretching she sat the glass on her desk next to her console, the amber liquid catching the light from the screen and glinting seductively. She grimaced at the memories it dragged from her depths, ones she had long ago buried.
"I feel like I'm sixty years old." Catherine complains, wedging herself onto a stool at the bar next to me. I glance at her sideways, offering her a sympathetic smile.
We're all feeling the aftereffects of the graduation ceremony; Blue Horizon likes to send its students off in style, complete with a gruelling array of tests for biotics and martial skills alike. Rumour has it Blue Horizon rivals the rigorous training available at N-school – the pinnacle of my desire. To be the best you really have to have gone through N-School and survived.
I'm content with having graduated first in my peer group though; that achievement hangs comfortably on me tonight as we all try and relax into our graduation party and not feel apprehensive about what tomorrow means for most of us: Our first day in the Alliance Military.
The club chosen sits in the heart of Arcturus' 'L.A' district. So called because it is supposedly similar enough to Earthen cities you would be hard pressed to notice a difference. The first I noticed was the expansive space view out the window, but I don't want to be a stickler for the details.
In true celebratory fashion the director of Blue Horizon has offered to open a tab at the bar for all graduating students, and as I glance around the packed club it looks as though they are taking full advantage of that privilege. A few of the boys I recognise have hooked some local ladies, bumping and grinding in the low lights to the music.
I feel that familiar twinge of loneliness and swallow it down – focusing once again on my job, my career, like I have done the last three years I have been at Blue Horizon. I think of that illusive boy again, the one who had been there the day of my arrival – the one who had stopped me blowing myself and my room to pieces when I had no control over my biotics. I smile grimly; I even thought it was a disease to be cured back then. That boy has gone on to an impressive military career, climbing ranks quicker than I can put together an assault rifle. I hold him in high regard; I want to be that successful once I join.
Catherine is right, it does make you feel old even though I just turned nineteen last week.
"Did you catch Dwayne during hand to hand?" Catherine sighs, rolling her eyes, pulling me back to the present "If only there weren't rules about bedding fellow trainees."
I'm about to answer when an arm reaches over my head, cutting in between us and placing a glass in front of me. I blink, affronted, looking first to the glass of amber liquid and then to its vessel of delivery.
It is a surprisingly large vessel – all muscle and tight shirt and chiselled jaw. His eyes are jet black under the low lighting and he grins at me in what I think is supposed to be seduction, but looks like a leer from a creep instead. I don't recognise him as a student – which means he must be a local in the club we chose to go to.
"Couldn't help but notice you were sitting here alone." He says pressing his bulk deliberately between me and Catherine. I see her glance over the bulge of his back, nodding emphatically and signalling that she's going to leave us alone. I paint horror to my eyes, but she must miss it, because she gives me a hearty thumbs up and slides a little further down the bar leaving me to this monster.
I curl my lip, pressing a finger to my temple as I look again at the glass. "I am now." I say, unable to keep the strain from my voice.
"You look a little tired." He says, nudging the glass toward me "I think what you are needing is some vitamin me."
I raise my head from my finger, fixing him with a glare and he smiles, lifting his own glass to his lips.
"My name's Greg," He says, pouring back his drink in one "How are you liking me so far?"
I make to answer – to tell him exactly what I think of him so far – when another arm comes into view from my left this time, another drink being placed in front of me. I spin to this latest intruder ready to give them both a piece of my mind when I'm met with the most intense, surreal blue-green eyes I have ever seen.
I pause.
"There you go honey." The newcomer says, giving me an affectionate smile; open and friendly in his ruggedly handsome face. In the same instant he peers beyond me to Greg – the other man apparently getting the message and I feel him move away as the newcomer gets comfortable on the stool next to me. It was a ruse, a trick to get the other man to leave and I blink confused as to whether I should be grateful to this newcomer or give him a piece of my mind anyway.
When he's sure that Greg is gone he leans into me "Sorry," He smiles "I just hate to see apes like that ruin what can be an art."
I want to tell him to get lost; but the line has me intrigued "An art?" I ask curiously, furrowing my brow as I try to work out what he is talking about.
"The art of seduction." He clarifies "When it's done right, can be quite a thing to behold. And I, lovely lady, am a master." His voice is rich and soft and deep – a Scottish accent colouring his words to gold.
"Oh really?" I ask dubiously, raising an eyebrow at him "And how does one engage in the act of seduction?"
"Oh," He smiles, leaning back in his stool I can see his eyes twinkle mischievously against the low light of the club "That would be telling."
I give him a once over, he looks casual despite the fact his shirt is designer, the tag on the cuff only just discernible in the dim of the club. A dimpled smile against a strong jawline sets a strange flutter in my chest like looking down from a great height and his eyes hold my own in a way I've never felt before. They are so full of warmth and mirth.
And secrets.
He lazily lifts his glass to his full lips and drains some of the liquid from within. I lift the glass he brought for me and I take a drink as well. The liquid sets a fire to my throat as it goes down but I don't let it show on my face.
"Besides" I hear him say as I look up from the glass "I don't think you could handle me."
He says it so matter of factly that it seems like a casual aside but I can see the challenge in his eyes as his smile draws wider. I can see by his amusement that he thinks he has me where he wants me and I know with a strange, overriding certainty that if I keep speaking to this man he will bring me nothing but trouble.
But I'd be damned if I backed away from a challenge.
I laugh long and heartily, gazing at him through long lashes. Two could play at that game. When I say nothing but continue to look at him he takes it as a sign to go on.
"First." He says casually, pointedly avoiding my gaze. "You have to wait for an opportune moment" he swirls the remaining liquid around his glass and looks at me again. I can feel a burning in my cheeks but I'm not going to be some dainty little thing to be won over so easily.
"For example, when you see a man failing to woo a woman who has not simply left the room." He gestures with his hand as if to signal myself "This tells you that said lady wants to be woo'ed, but she's waiting for the right person." The words startle me and for a moment it sets my mind to thinking. Was he right? Why didn't I just get up and leave? I don't want to be woo'ed, I tell myself. I just don't want to leave Catherine here alone. I am suitably justified but before I can voice my defence he carries on regardless.
"Second, and this is the most important. Before any conversation can begin, you have to seal it with 'the look'." He announces so confidently that I find myself curious.
"The look?" I ask.
"The look." He confirms, that annoying gleam in his eye threatening to drag me in.
"Well I don't think you did a very good job then because I never noticed 'the look'." I announce proudly and I have him on that one. I smile brilliantly but his stare is unwavering and he lets out a deep chuckle, the sound genuine and dulcet.
"My dear lady, I never gave you the look. As I told you, I don't think you can handle the look." The challenge in the tone of his voice is evident now and it irks me. Why is he being so dismissive? I take a longer drink of the brandy and suppress the burning sensation.
"I can handle the look" I say a little too loud and surprise myself with the aggression I feel. If he is surprised he shows no signs of it however and stands from his chair. He drains his brandy and runs a hand casually through his dark brown hair to keep it tousled and spiky.
"Alright then" he says conversationally "Prepare yourself for 'the look.'"
He turns his face away from me for a moment and I am left to look at the back of his head.
I notice with a raise of my eyebrows the muscles in his neck and shoulders and wonder absently as to what lies beneath before my attention is garnered once again by the turning of his head.
He looks at me now with an overly-elaborate pout on his face, his smouldering eyes glittering like blue green gems. His eyes encapsulate me all at once and I can feel them devouring me. I am taken aback by the intensity there but I am disarmed by his comical pose.
I feel the laugh starting in my gut and am helpless as it rumbles through my chest and erupts out of my mouth, full and sincere. His pose is so ridiculous that I cannot stop myself from laughing endlessly. Tears form in my eyes and I wipe them away in moments between holding my ribcage. I am laughing so much it begins to hurt and I can hear the sound of his laughter rippling in time with my own.
When I regain my senses and the laughter finally dies down I look upon him with a new perspective. Humour was the last thing I had been expecting and it was such an unexpected refreshment that I have to appraise him anew.
"See, I don't even need to ask to know that look definitely did it for you" he chuckles aloud and I join him in the laughter.
"Oh, definitely!" I proclaim, my voice thick with humorous sarcasm, and I encourage the joke. By this time I've completely forgotten about Catherine who has been standing at the bar alone watching our conversation with longing eyes.
"And then you would go on to shower the lady in compliments, telling her how beautiful she is and how extraordinary she is, making her feel special and wanted right?" I ask leaning back in my chair to invite the wave of compliments that I wholly expect will follow.
"Nope." The simplicity of it surprises me and I don't know what to say next.
"Not with you." He says confidently "A lady like yourself will have heard every tired line in the book by now; such is beauty's curse." The passion in his eyes as they look into mine threatens to turn my legs to water as I stand.
"I would make a fool of myself all night long to hear the sweet sound of your laugh. And I would ask you questions, to get to know you better and I would hang on every one of your words until the night ended." He pauses for a moment and then stands abruptly
"Alas, my dear my night has come to an end. If I could stay with you for the rest of the night I would, basking in the radiant glow of your wondrous beauty" he says with a flourish and a grin as he takes my hand in his, the warmth of his own a stark contrast to the natural coolness of mine. He is close to me now and his eyes consume me.
"And when the night ended I would beg you not to go, to stay with me just a moment longer to prolong the inevitable pain from striking my heart as I watched you go." The air between us is thick and heavy with the intensity of his words and I am utterly lost in them for a moment.
"But that will have to come another night." He raises my hand to his lips and kisses it gently, the short stubble of his 5 o'clock shadow tickling my hand in the process. I can only watch speechless as he withdraws into the night, stepping backwards through the crowd as his eyes stay focused on me throughout.
"What's your name?" I splutter feeling like a foolish girl. I have to say something though.
"Argyle" he replies in his lilting accent, and with that he was off into the night beyond.
Suddenly I can feel Catherine's breath on my neck as she comes to a halt behind me and her squeal threatens to deafen me.
"Who was that?!" she exclaims. The grin that spreads across her face like wildfire is annoying and I give myself a hard shake and a boot for good measure, returning my senses.
"Some guy" I manage trying to keep my tone as uninterested as possible. My heart is racing though when I think about those intense eyes, about the softness of his lips on my hand.
"Ooooo he is hot! If you're not interested can I have him?!" she exclaims loudly "I could do bad things to that man" the sultry tone of her voice makes me come to my senses fully at last and I laugh and playfully swipe a hand at her.
"Come on, let's finish our drinks and get out of here. That's enough excitement for one night" we both laugh and return to our drinks, Catherine chattering away incessantly about the mystery man.
Shepard poured another brandy, the memory a painful one – one of many spent and wasted on that man, she thought bitterly. How dare he show up after all this time, how dare he invade her life like this – just when things were starting to come together… just when… just…
Downing the drink in one she slammed the glass back on her desk, pressing her forehead into her knee again. The look of approval on Ashley's face when she had first seen him back on Virmire was almost a mirror image to her own delight all those years ago in that club on Arcturus. Of course she would never let Ashley make the same mistakes she did – she would have told her friend to walk away and never give him a second glance.
Cringing against the pain that erupted in her chest Shepard closed her eyes as tears beckoned. She was supposed to be debriefing the crew – the reports had been sent to the council, but she had other duties, more pressing matters than wallowing in grief in her chambers, but for the life of her she did not have the strength to face them all yet.
On the back of that pain raged anger, like aftershocks, venomous anger that rippled through her. Anger at Hobbs and his damned ego; that ability he had to pull memories out of her that made her feel so damned vulnerable. Anger at Saren, at his facility on Virmire and the ultimate cost it had purged from her – a friend and a sister; another person in her life gone in the blink of an eye.
Another person that had died because of her.
Shakily she poured another glass of brandy; turning her eyes from that incessant message light. She felt herself curl inward, there was a reason you didn't let people in.
The minute you did was the minute you made yourself vulnerable.
She had broken her own vow and now she was paying the price in blood.
"Aye aye sir. I'll… I'll relay that message after she is finished with her meeting." Joker said, holding his breath as the Captain's breathing on the other end deepened with annoyance.
"Make sure you do." He rumbled "Anderson out."
The comm winked out of commission and finally Joker exhaled, knocking the tip of his cap with his finger as he plot a course for Earth on the star console.
"Careful Joker, you might just start worrying about me."
Her voice drifted from nowhere, carried on the hum of the engine, the monotonous clicks and bleeps of his many controls as he moved almost on autopilot. The worst thing was she had been right. From the moment she stepped from the cockpit Joker had felt like his heart was in his throat. But it was the risk they all took to serve – all of them willingly laid their life on the line the moment they stepped out of the Normandy on a mission.
"There's so much to lose." She had said, and he could recall the look in her eyes, the words she was trying to say to him that he had ignored; too afraid to hope she could return what he already felt for her. What had he said? There was a lot to gain? He shook his head, he had been wrong. If gaining the upper hand on Saren came at this price it would always be too high.
That night they had spent together at Kaidan's apartment had been something remarkable for Joker. They had returned well in advance of the Commander and her love-sick lieutenant, having got a cab to pick them both up and drop them off. Once inside Ashley had immediately set about fixing them a drink – rescuing one or two bottles of wine from Kaidan's cooler.
The apartment was familiar to Joker, he had been there many times when he and Kaidan would stop over at the Citadel while training at Arcturus; but he had feigned ignorance, setting his feet on the coffee table and allowing Ashley to rummage through the belongings.
It hadn't taken long for things to get funny, then flirty and somewhere along the line they had taken the chance – fully aware that the Commander could have come in at any time, but she didn't and no matter what happened Joker would never regret it. He had stayed awake as Ashley had curled into him after, wondering if it meant as much to her as it had to him.
All this time he had been trying to work up the courage to ask her, all this time he had been trying to navigate his way around her quirkiness and her jokes to what was underneath – the sincerity – but he never had the courage to just… ask her.
And now he never would.
Pressing his hands to his face Joker felt the first hot tears start and fought to hold them back.
"Have you seen the Commander?" The voice was foreign, foreign enough he raised his head in surprise glancing to see the operative in the doorway. Embarrassed he wiped his face and nodded, clearing his throat carefully as he turned back to the monitors.
"She's in her quarters." He said thickly "She's… uh… she's asked not to be disturbed right now."
He expected the guy to leave, but he stood there a moment longer, his arms folded over a black t-shirt. At last he spoke and when he did Joker felt himself flinch a little.
"You're Joker right?" He asked, and the pilot nodded.
"Jeff. Moreau.." He said distractedly "Only my friends call me Joker."
"Hobbs." Hobbs said and Joker nodded in acknowledgment.
He wanted to ask more about this newcomer, but he was used to dignitaries being on the ship and keeping his nose out of their business. He found if he did that then he would usually find out more about them on his own.
The silence prolonged for a moment before Hobbs strode into the cockpit further and took Kaidan's seat, stretching back into it and resting his feet up on the console. Normally that would irritate Joker but right now he didn't care.
Neither man said anything and for a while they sat together in silence that Joker thought should have been more awkward. It felt comfortable somehow though. The only sound that passed between them was the mechanical hum of the console and the occasional beeping sound as the Normandy chirped and whirred. Joker's thoughts raced back to Ashley, the gleam in her eyes, the smile on her face when he told her a joke.
"Tell me about her" Hobbs said, his accent thick and warm. Was he a mind reader? He thought about rebuffing the man, telling him to mind his own business but the report said that Hobbs saved them initially, and he was trying to get them both out alive. That earned the man some respect.
"She was perfect." Joker spluttered and felt his cheeks turn red, feeling sheepish. When he looked up at Hobbs though there was no smile, no teasing look. He merely nodded sincerely in understanding.
"We weren't together for long, if you could even call it being together. I think she had a thing for Kaidan. But when she found out that he wasn't, y'know, interested, we hooked up. Her smile had a way of making everything right though. I loved her, but I never told her that." He sighed and felt all of the pent up emotion running out of him. Tears raced hot streaks down his face and he was unashamed.
"I don't care if she didn't feel the same way about me. She might have come to me on the rebound, might have thought of me as nothing more than a one night stand but if I had the chance to tell her I loved her I'd take it. I'd tell her she was amazing, and strong, and loving, and just…perfect."
"I think you just did." Hobbs said with feeling as he stared out of the viewport at the passing stars. He stood from the chair and made to leave. Joker was deflated now, but grateful that someone had been there to listen to him. He didn't think he could have said it to the other crew members without it being awkward.
"You should know." Hobbs said, stopping and placing a hand on his shoulder gently, it was warm and somehow comforting despite him not knowing the man at all "That Ashley spoke of you in her last moments." Hobbs said quietly
A jolt of shock passed through Joker. He'd read the official report which said nothing of that. Of course it wouldn't he thought chastising. He paused and turned his head to look into the man's eyes. They were full of sincerity and genuine empathy – the emotion in his tone caught the pilot off guard as he blinked, unsure.
"She was thinking of you in those final moments Jeff. And she was smiling."
Joker turned away from him, gathering strength from that knowledge as he scrolled through a list of destinations "I told you." He said at last "My friends call me Joker." He paused as a comfortable silence passed between them.
"Thank you." He said, and he meant it.
Hobbs waited a moment, patting his shoulder before he left just as quickly as he had come.
Kaidan paced outside Shepard's quarters.
He wanted to go in and make sure she was alright, but something was holding him back. He didn't want to hazard a guess at what it was, he didn't want to think too much right now – it had a tendency to let in other thoughts, and right now all he could think about was Ashley. About the fact that if Shepard had chosen differently and went to get Ashley instead of him she could still have been alive and he could have been the one in the cold box in the medbay. Part of him, a large part, wanted it to be that way – and in conjunction another part didn't want to leave Shepard. The internal war was giving him a headache.
At last he sucked in a breath and approached the door, surprised to see it was unlocked as they opened on his approach.
Shepard was sitting at her desk, her forehead pressed to her knee, dark hair hanging so that he couldn't see her face, just her shape off the glow of her console monitor. Slowly she raised her head to look at him. He kept his eyes carefully schooled to her face, but he could see in the periphery of his vision she was barely dressed and the temptation to look was strong willed.
"Kaidan." She said, wrapping her fingers around a glass and bringing it to rest on top of her raised knee as she regarded him "Something wrong?"
The lieutenant hesitated before taking a step inside, the doors sliding closed behind him "I wanted to check you were… well." He cleared his throat "I wanted to see how you were doing Commander."
He was playing it careful, careful and controlled. Whatever had happened on Virmire between them still weighed heavily on his mind; but her behaviour since had been anything but telling and he wasn't a mind-reader, sadly, so safe was a good way to play it. She looked at him hard, the use of her title perhaps a little too formal? He couldn't tell as she ticked her mouth, her tongue clicking inside.
"Just peachy." She muttered, turning her face away from him, he wanted to move to her, but he anchored his feet to the ground. Breathing calmly as he watched her. She turned back to him – but he didn't miss the initial pause as she wiped her eyes free of the tears – and gave him an overly bright smile, there was no happiness in it though, only pain.
"Is that all?" She asked sharply, her eyes narrowing to slits as she took a drink from the glass she held.
He opened his mouth to speak, wondering what he could say to her. How he could break those barriers at a time like this, what magic sequence of words could he string together to unravel the layers she hid herself within.
He needed an opening, he needed to keep her talking; to stop her running for a minute, to hold her still and face what needed to be faced or lose her forever. He licked his lips, grasping for something they could talk about – something, anything.
"So," He swallowed "Who was the guy in the shuttle?" He asked. He knew the operative was called Hobbs, he had met him, but he needed an opening to get Shepard talking and this seemed like a valid one. Quite obviously she knew the man and could feel safe talking about him because she had the control there – she didn't have to give away any more than she had to.
"Hobbs." She said, her tone neutral and guarded. "Alliance military. He pulled us out of the fire back on Virmire." Through the dullness of her tone there was a fire to the way she said it.
"Alone?" he said incredulously. He thought about the man's demeanour, his towering presence like an unmovable wall. Even Kaidan had felt it. "How heroic" he muttered and could not keep the sarcasm from his voice. He must have been more vocal than he'd intended as Shepards eyes blazed into life.
"Are you kidding me?" She asked, her voice high and strained and so angry it took Kaidan aback "Look, Kaidan." She said directly, holding a hand up to stem any argument or explanation he felt coming on "I do not have time for your schoolboy jealousy – I just can't deal with this right now."
He could have kicked himself, but he kept his face carefully clear of emotion as he chewed over what she said; two things troubled him. Firstly her mention of jealousy indicated she obviously felt there was something there for him to be jealous of – a thought that disturbed him, either the embrace he had come upon in the shuttle was more than he had seen, or secondly that there was a deeper meaning intended, that Kaidan should feel threatened by the presence of this newcomer as a rival for her affections.
"I'm not jealous." He said hotly – his anger testament to the lie he felt burn the back of his throat as he spit it out. "I came to talk about Ashley." He said, hoping to turn the conversation back to what really mattered, but his tone hadn't changed and so rather than being comforting she took it as provocative, reaching forward to slam her glass on the table as she poured another drink.
"What about her?" She asked, the words grinding out through her teeth as she took another drink.
Kaidan paused, he had been unprepared for the question. Deflating a little he moved his shoulders, shaking his head "I just wanted to… ask…" He paused, the emotion of the moment overwhelming him as he struggled to keep temper and grief in check "Why did you come back for me first? You should have went to get Ashley, you should have got her out of there… it should have been me. Did you come back for me because… because of us?"
The moment he said it he knew it was a mistake and wished he could swallow it back – wished he could have been anywhere else other than here at this moment. It was too soon, they were both too raw and sensitive to be having this conversation.
"How dare you." She said, low and dangerous and deadly as she got to her feet, the glass in her hand caught the light off the monitor "You think I would put something that personal…" She broke off, shaking her head "You were the higher ranking officer," She ground out "protocol dictates I come for you first – how fucking dare you!"
Normally he was in full control of his temper but it flared wildly as his irritation at his own stupidity intertwined with his defensiveness in the face of Shepards wrath. It bubbled over and he could feel the rage coursing through him.
"I didn't come here to argue Shepard!" he exclaimed, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "And I didn't come here to talk about Hobbs! We're all hurting dammit! Don't be so selfish to think that you're the only one who cared about Ashley!" He blurted out the last, knowing it would cut her to her core and hating himself for it. This wasn't how he'd envisioned this conversation going but words kept spilling out of his mouth before his brain had time to filter them.
"What do you want from me Kaidan?!" She screamed, her hair coalescing around her shoulders as she spat furiously at him "I can't deal with this right now! You want me to tell you I wish you had been down there instead?! Would that make you feel better? Or maybe me? Huh? You wish it had been me instead?!" She sucked in a breath, trembling in anger as her eyes burned through him "I don't need two people in here telling me I made a mistake!" She cried "I don't need two people telling me I'm worthless!" She launched that glass at him, and by some miracle he managed to pull himself from his shocked stupor enough to dodge and it exploded against the wall behind him instead, showering the floor around him with tiny glass missiles.
"Get out!" She screamed, pointing a finger to the door behind him, but he could see her eyes were welling with tears and it gave him pause.
"Shepard…" He said, but she wasn't having it.
She stormed toward him, pausing before she reached him – perhaps worried she would strike him if she got too close. "Get out! Get out! Get fucking out!"
He was about to retreat, when the doors hissed open behind him. Turning he paused as Hobbs stood in the doorway, his eyebrows raised concerned.
"I… heard shouting?" He asked, looking from Kaidan to the Commander quietly.
Kaidan closed his eyes, swallowing hard as he glanced back to Shepard. She had her back to him, her hands in her hair and he knew then there was nothing else to be said right now. They needed time, and space.
"She's all yours." He said thickly, pushing past the operative as he stormed away from her, the temperature of their argument still blazing around him as he stalked toward the crew quarters.
Shepard heard Kaidan's words, feeling ashamed and dirty and callous. She raked her hands into her hair, gripping the long lengths and tugging against her scalp, the dull ache anchoring her thoughts as she struggled to regain some composure. She was losing it; unravelling at the seams and she felt like there was nothing she could do to stop it.
She turned to call him back, hesitating when she saw Hobbs in the doorway instead.
"What do you want?" She asked, her temper barely contained as she burned fury at him – this was all his fault; he should have left them alone – then she would have been forced to make Ashley evacuate leaving her behind distracting the Geth. But no, Hobbs insisted on playing the hero as usual.
"Alright Tempy," He said, the doors sliding closed behind him "Let's have it." He raised his chin a little, presenting a perfect target and something inside her snapped.
Striding to him she threw a punch, the blue hum of her biotics bursting to life around her. He blocked the first easily, following her hand with his own all the way back to her side, firmly, calculated.
"I had to make a choice!" She cried, throwing another blow at his face – he ducked, catching her elbow as it sailed round, using her momentum to turn her, to wrap her arms around herself and anchor them there with his own. He pressed his lips to her hair, holding her back against him as she struggled and fought against him.
"You did." He said calmly "You made the right choice Tempy. The only choice; it was either you got one out alive or neither; and you very nearly pulled off getting two out." She pulled his arms apart, slowly, grinding her teeth as they were pried open by her own. He redoubled his efforts, breathing heavily behind her as he fought to keep her in the submissive position.
"It was bad luck." He added, the strain in his voice evident as he struggled to keep a hold of her "Bad luck and… bad timing. Neither of which is your fault Shepard."
She broke free, wrenching from him, turning, panting heavily as she sized him up; that handsome face that had haunted her nights for so long, those piercing eyes that could see right through her no matter what she did.
She hesitated, the burning sensation sinking to her guts as she felt the overwhelming wave of grief raise its ugly head once more.
"There's more to your anger than that Shepard," He huffed, readjusting his t-shirt so it was comfortable on him once more "You've glared a hole through me since I arrived. That's not fair."
She was moving, moving too fast and furious before she even had time to process what was happening. This time when she hit him she didn't miss, the blow took him square in the face, knocking him back a few steps as he raised a hand to rub his jaw. She stumbled forward from the swing, her eyes blinded by tears as she at last heaved a great sob.
"Fair!" she yelled in his face. He stood unflinching, unwavering. "Not fucking fair! You left me Hobbs. You. Left. Me! And now you come waltzing back into my life like some damn hero, like I need a knight in shining armour. I was ready for it all Hobbs and you left! So you tell me what's fucking fair." She spat the last word out as her anger roiled boundlessly.
She seethed and railed as she let her emotions come bubbling to the surface. Her fists were clenched at her sides and it was only through the sheer power of will that she refrained from striking him. She braced herself for the outburst from Hobbs but he simply took a step back. For a moment he seemed stunned by her words. She wasn't expecting that.
"I'm sorry you feel that way Abigail." He stepped forward and the fragility in his voice was plain for all to see. The anger fled from her in an instant and the overwhelming emotion of the past few hours took hold. Her shoulders began to shake as she began a flood of involuntary tears as she stepped forward into his arms.
"I miss her so much." Shepard wept, pressing a hand to her chest, but at last she was thinking clearly - it was as though she could breathe again.
"I know you do." Hobbs said quietly "But you don't have the luxury of wallowing Commander. You have a ship to run and a crew that looks to you for guidance. They're falling apart and she wouldn't want her death doing this to you. You've had your time. Your crew need you. You've been pretty rough with them since I arrived" at the look on her face his tone lowered and softened "It's understandable Tempy, but they need you to be the Leader first, the woman second. You know it."
She closed her eyes, gripping his t-shirt in her fist as she brought her eyes to his "For the last time, will you stop calling me that." She said, her voice raw and painful from the crying and the screaming.
He smiled, sweeping the hair back of her face to plant a kiss on her forehead "I told you once I would only stop calling you it once you gained it."
Shepard shoved him back, but she felt he faint whisper of strength again as she wiped her eyes "I don't need temperance." She complained "I need a bloody retirement plan. And don't presume to think you can go kissing my head whenever the mood strikes you Hobbs. Things have changed." She didn't elaborate any further but he simply nodded to himself and took a step back.
"Of course. Think of it as nothing more than a comforting gesture." He said with a wave of the hand, his grin returning.
"And now if you'll excuse me, my stomach tells me its lunch time. I'll be out of your hair as soon as I've given my report to Shastri after the ceremony. If you need me for anything I'll be here Tempy." And with that he ducked out of the room and was gone, leaving Shepard to sit and wonder.
"Shastri…" she muttered to herself "…where have I heard that before….Does he mean….Prime Minister Shastri?!" she exclaimed as she tapped off the vid screen. That would have to wait to be addressed at a later date. Hard as it was to hear Hobbs was right. Her crew needed her.
Abigail Shepard remained in her quarters, grief postponed.
Commander Shepard stepped out of her quarters, ready for what was to come next.