Kaidan paced outside Shepard's quarters.
His heart hammered in his chest as he tried to desperately grasp some focus over the events that had taken them all to this point.
He had thought the meeting with Captain Anderson was going to be some kind of update – he certainly didn't expect the Captain to suggest stealing the Normandy let alone aid them in it.
He had just committed mutiny; stolen a warship; conspired to cause unrest and disobeyed direct orders from the Alliance – all in the name of love. He could try and tell himself it was for the mission; but he knew that would be a lie.
It was for her.
And now they were hurtling toward an alien world unexplored for centuries in the hope of stopping an ancient race of machines from taking over the galaxy. It just didn't seem plausible.
At last he huffed out a heavy sigh, turning and punching the lock for her door, pausing briefly as the doors slid open.
He didn't know what he expected to find; her pacing maybe? Ranting and raving, swinging and fizzing with fury. Whatever he had expected it was not to see her sitting at her console, almost serenely calm as she raised her blue eyes to look at him as he entered.
"Commander." He addressed her sharply in case someone was listening to them. She leaned forward flicking the Comm mute as the doors hissed closed behind him.
"Are you sure you want to call me that?" She asked, her hair sweeping over her shoulder as she looked at him seriously. "Not sure I deserve the title right now Kaidan."
He hesitated, unsure how to read her, whether she was expecting a formal reply or a personal one. She watched him expectantly, her expression unreadable and so he took a breath.
"Yeah." He said quietly "Hell of a thing." Playing safe was better than jeopardizing anything. She smiled crookedly at him, slipping off her seat and moving toward him carefully. She was dressed down in her racer-back top and shorts, the tops cut off at her thighs and he had to hold his gaze steady as she folded her arms and moved her shoulders.
"We broke our oath to protect the Alliance… so we can keep it? What happens if this doesn't work out Shepard? I mean we stole an Alliance warship, committed mutiny…" He smiled. "Hell if they wanted to get picky they could probably throw in kidnapping."
"Kidnapping?" She asked, her eyebrows rising "No one's here against their will Kaidan." She mumbled "If you wanted to g-"
"No." He said quickly, firmly, and judging by the look she gave him he could tell she was surprised by the assertiveness in his voice but he felt a sudden urge to make sure she knew his feelings on the matter clearly "No I want to be here Shepard." He said carefully "I… I have nowhere else to go if you are here."
She looked at him then, that same look of warning flashing over her eyes and he knew he should back off; knew he should leave it at that and remove himself from her quarters.
From temptation.
"We're uh…" He gave her a lopsided smile "We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest huh?"
Abigail chuckled softly, nodding as she looped her hair behind her ears "Yeah." She breathed. "I keep telling myself we are doing the right thing here." Her smile faltered a little as she met his eyes once more "I don't believe me yet."
"We're doing the right thing." Kaidan said sincerely. "It's gonna hit the fan when we get to Ilos though." He said it casually, but he felt the tension shift up a notch in the room as they both considered the magnitude of the battle ahead. "I guess, I want you to know if things don't go well…" He cleared his throat nervously."Well, I wanted to say thanks. I've enjoyed serving under you Commander."
Abigail smiled, drawing her teeth over her bottom lip as she took a step closer to him "I don't think I've had the pleasure of you serving under me, Kaidan." She said quietly. "But I appreciate the sentiment."
Kaidan felt his breath rush from him as he blinked at her stupidly, his face blossoming with heat as he flustered a reply. "I… huh, well I suppose I walked into that one," He said at last, smiling sheepishly at her as he rubbed the back of his neck."Battlefield flirting is one thing Shepard…" He whispered. "But we're talking about a breach of protocol." He swallowed, laughing softly as he took a nervous step back. "I suppose it would be pretty low on the list of charges when we get court-martialed." He reasoned and she followed him, for each step he took back she took one toward him.
"Of course they cou-"
"Kaidan?" She whispered, her finger pressing against his lips froze the words in his throat. "Stop talking."
His mouth clipped closed as he swallowed, the situation and her proximity making him sweat as he reached a hand tentatively toward her. She met him halfway, her fingers lacing into the spaces between his and before he really knew what he was doing his other hand grabbed for her, collecting combats and taut flesh beneath as he pressed her against him, his mouth finding hers hungrily.
It was like he had been let loose in the pantry after being starved for weeks – his need for her insatiable as her hands slid into his hair, the kiss growing deeper – more desperate – and he knew he was spiraling toward a choice he would have to make. A risk he would have to take.
She broke the kiss first, stepping back from him, her blue eyes holding his fiercely as she lifted her racer-back top. It hung gently from her fingers a moment before dropping to the floor – but Kaidan barely saw it. Under that top she had nothing on. Nothing at all, and now stood before him with only cotton shorts on.
She drew him down onto the bed on top of her, her hands holding the neck of his t-shirt fiercely as his knees sank into the mattress between her legs. Eagerly she tugged his shirt free of his combats and he smiled, aiding her in removing it from him gently.
She froze beneath him and for a moment he panicked, looking at her wide eyes as she stared at his bared torso her brow creasing slightly. He glanced down at himself, trying to gauge her reaction, and then he remembered what it was she was looking at.
On his left side, over his heart he had requested an extra tattoo – one he had never shown her. It was her name, etched into his skin. It had seemed a crazy idea the day after and now, unveiled he felt fear creep into his voice as he tried to explain.
"When we got our Alliance ones done," He said gingerly. "I've always loved you Abigail. I maybe didn't say it the right way… or show it – I don't know." He blushed, suddenly incredibly nervous.
"I wanted to tell you…in case…" He began and then stopped himself, smiling as he cleared his throat. "I'm just going to stop talking now." He nodded sagely, crawling over her, his arms trembling under him as he gazed down on her.
Her eyes were bright, her pupils dilated, her hair splayed out beneath her smelled of vanilla and jasmine. She touched his chest with her fingertips and the sensation was like being struck by lightning; intense and bright and warm.
It was like gazing at a shooting star.
Like standing in the centre of the sun.
"Abigail." He breathed and his voice had gone husky, it seemed impossible to get enough air in his lungs to breathe sufficiently.
She didn't seem to notice, her eyes ticking back to his as the feel of her fingers became hands. They wandered to his abdomen, sliding over his navel, lower still to the zipper of his trousers where they paused.
"We shouldn't..." He whispered, and his voice gave out; his body protesting in its own way; and then there was another sensation, the most intense yet as her hand glided inside his combats, incredibly warm and soft against the length of him.
"Abby." He croaked, knowing this was his last attempt at reason, trying desperately to hold onto the principles he had about protocol, about fraternization – about love and marriage.
He wanted to marry her, he knew that; had known that since he had met her, he wanted her to be his wife, to have his children, to spend every moment of every day with her from now until he passed away. Did feeling that; knowing that make this alright?
"I'm not forcing anything Kaidan." She said quietly, stroking a hand into his hair as she smiled. "I want you Lieutenant, not going to deny it. What is it that you want?"
"I want you." He said thickly and her smile widened as she nodded, bringing her lips to his.
He knew this time, as her mouth found his, her tongue darting against his own, he had lost his resolve. That he had reached a point of no return, that there was no going back now.
"I want you." He repeated but this time with more commitment, swallowing back his nerves as he slid a hand down her thigh taking those shorts with it until she was able to kick them from her legs. Her skin was too soft, like silk, as his fingers slid behind her knee gently, coaxing her leg up and around his hip.
For the briefest of moments she looked as terrified as he felt and he paused, acknowledging the meaning for both of them.
This was something that neither of them had much experience with. It was something completely new to him, and something they both wanted to share with each other; but he didn't want to hurt her, and in the back of his mind, no matter how he tried to maneuver the situation, that same worry seemed to rear its head at every turn.
She moved under him, the sensation causing him to suck an unsteady breath into his lungs, he held it there briefly as she kissed him deeply, her knees pressing at his hips with tense anticipation as she pulled him home.
He groaned as he entered her, his arms quaking under him as he struggled to keep his mind to purpose; he paused, looking down on her with new sight it seemed. Her cheeks were flushed, her mouth open in a silent gasp as she clung to him, her skin damp with perspiration; she tasted delicious, like ripe fruit and suddenly he couldn't seem to get enough of her.
He had never dreamt of feeling anything near what he did now, he could feel who she was, now in this moment, her desires matched his, her love matched his, her dreams and hopes and fears. She was a being beyond what he was worthy, a Goddess whom he was humbled to be blessed by.
Her fingers dug into his shoulder blades, perspiration trickling down his lower back as he pressed lips to her throat. His passion urged him to power into her, but he did not want the moment to end and so forced himself to move slowly.
The rhythm seemed to him clumsy at first, hips bumping out of sync, but he quickly managed to sense her being – to anticipate the way she moved, and the more they moved the more she seemed to be enjoying it.
He kissed her, unable to keep himself from her mouth it seemed, lost in the ecstasy of the moment. It felt like he couldn't get close enough to her for his liking. She was beautiful. The feel of her under him was intoxicating; his whole body felt like it was on fire.
She rose to meet his mouth, her tongue darting against his own, her fingers lacing in his hair as her breathless gasps became cries of desperation, gentle caresses became frantic, clinging to him wildly as she arched her back, her screams sundering the quiet around them.
He pressed a hand to the bed under her, his other supporting her back as her hands snatched into his hair; a burning sensation was beginning to build in his gut, as though he had swallowed molten lead and it was finally being digested, and the more he moved the more intense it became, the more urgent and pleasurable it felt.
Abigail seemed to sense the change in him, her hands slipping from his hair planted squarely on his chest as she pushed him to the side.
He caught his breath, letting her have her way. There was too much to focus on and as his back sank into the mattress and she climbed on top of him allowing him a breath-taking view of her body by the lamplight. Being in control of this situation was the last thing he was thinking.
She leaned into him, her hair falling around him like velvet, her lips pressing to his gently as she slid down onto him once more; he groaned against her mouth, his hands wandering to her body tentatively.
She pressed her hands over his, his palm on her abdomen feeling the muscles there undulate smoothly. Reaching up, he could feel her ribs spread with each long, aching breath she took as she leaned back, her long hair tickling his thighs.
She increased her pace further, her cries becoming more desperate, and this time he joined her with his own. The room was suddenly blue – the crackling energy of her biotics flaring in the near darkness as her palms pressed down on him, bracing herself carefully. He could feel himself losing control as he watched her, as he watched the beautiful blue tendrils making shadows dance over her skin. That familiar thrum of his own biotics coming to the fore made him catch his breath– filled him with cool panic as he struggled to maintain a hold of himself.
"Wait." He whispered, the feeling intensifying further, but she shook her head playfully instead lacing her fingers through his as she tossed her hair back, the biotic light dancing over her skin. He closed his eyes and thrummed along her nervous system; feeling her body ignite in response, feeling everything she was soak into him, staining his skin with her scent and her being.
That sensation loomed again and he tried to snatch back some focus, unsure what it was, scared he was going to lose control and hurt her somehow, but she resisted his attempts to slow her movements, instead she leaned back over him, her mouth locking with his once more. He crushed his eyes closed as she fed that feeling, it grew and grew and then with a cry of expectant elation he felt it explode.
Waves of ecstasy ran through him, he sank back into the bed, his chest heaving as his vision was at first blurred with stars. He couldn't breathe, his breath was snatched from his lungs as he clung to her and she to him, her heart beat loudly against his as he shuddered a long sigh.
Panting, he caught his breath, the colours in front of his eyes finally fading, revealing Abigail looking down on him, a warm smile on her beautiful face. She crumpled, her head pressing to his chest as she maneuvered her legs to lie between his. He took a deep breath, wrapping his arms around her and pressing his lips to the top of her head, she felt tiny in his arms now, vulnerable and precious. So precious.
"I love you." He said, gathering her close, not willing to be parted from her "I love you with all I am."
She smiled, pressing her lips to his skin, leaning her chin on his chest to look up at him "I've waited my whole life for you Kaidan." She whispered "I don't want to ever lose you."
"You won't." He said quickly; too quickly he realized. For it was perhaps the worst lie he had ever told; who was he to say that nothing would happen to him? Wasn't that just inviting fate to intervene? He swallowed, disregarding the dark thoughts; he wanted nothing to ruin this moment.
"I love you." She whispered, but it was softer, her hand coming up to rest beside her face on his chest as she sighed gently.
When he glanced down at her again she was asleep, and he smiled, his chest swelling with such love and desire to protect her he struggled to stop himself waking her just so she could be looking at him again.
Without moving her too much he reached for the bed sheet, pulling the thick cotton over them both as he held her, for the entire world wishing they could be married. Wishing they could be in their own home, in their bed with their children sleeping in another room.
He wanted that with her, for her, he wanted a life with her.
"Abby." He breathed and she didn't move, didn't even stir "I want to marry you," He said, his throat constricting painfully as he tried the words out loud for the first time.
It felt alright. It actually felt quite good to have them outside his head, even if it was only for him to hear. Holding her close he watched the FTL stream outside the window above them, his eyes fluttering closed gently as sleep finally overtook him and for once it was fitful and full of dreams.
"Did you hear that?" Garrus asked, his expression quizzical as he glanced over his shoulder. He turned back to Hobbs his mandibles twitching in curiosity.
"Hear what?" Hobbs asked, pausing to stuff noodles into his mouth as his forehead creased at the Turian.
Garrus shook his head "It sounded like a scream." He said then laughed "Must have been hearing things." He dismissed and Hobbs moved his shoulders.
"Probably the engine." Hobbs said but he doubted it. The engines on these newer models were the quietest around but he wasn't about to tell Garrus that because that would lead to more questions and the answers would force him to tell the turian what he was really doing sitting at the mess table outside Shepard's quarters.
And the truth was a lot more dangerous. The truth involved keeping Shepard from falling into more trouble than she was in already; for being court-martialed for fraternizing with an Officer under her Command. Although to be fair, her trial would probably be more concerned with the fact she had just stolen a prototype warship.
She was so damned impatient! If she had just waited they could have been cleared to leave tomorrow – but no, not Commander Shepard. Patience was apparently a virtue she clearly lacked.
"You do know they are developing guns with thermal clips right?" Hobbs said between chews, desperate to talk about something to keep the distraction up from the noises behind "Your sniper rifle will soon be obsolete."
Garrus looked at him carefully, prodding the bowl of turian protein in front of him with a fork "It'll be no different," He said. "All that changes is round capacity surely."
Hobbs nodded "And power. They are talking about modding the clips so they can put out three rounds before reloading… but it still means stopping to reload more often."
Garrus moved his shoulders smoothly. "I only need one shot."
Despite the serious look on the turian's face Hobbs chuckled and nodded "Alright." He said carefully. "I bet I could outshoot you though."
This time it was Garrus' turn to laugh "I doubt that," He said sincerely. "You might be able to out-talk the lieutenant but you need to realize when you are punching above your weight."
Hobbs smiled, and the two regarded each other cooly for a moment before he sighed, turning to his noodles again. "I suppose you're right."He said at last.
"Do you think Saren will be at the conduit already…whatever it is?"
Hobbs swallowed, curious if this was a worried statement or a genuine question; the turian certainly looked impassive about everything, but then in his experience turian expressions had always been difficult to follow.
He cleared his throat loudly. "Doesn't matter," He said firmly. "We have Shepard with us. And Shepard doesn't know how to fail Garrus. Saren is already dead – he just doesn't know it yet."
Garrus nodded slowly, contemplatively. "But he's not the real threat is he? These Reapers are what is coming – and the council won't even entertain that idea… how are we supposed to prepare for something if they aren't even willing to see it?"
Hobbs ticked his gaze to the table; these were the hard questions he was never any good at answering. He was a soldier, not a politician – he had no idea how to raise an army if the Brass didn't say so, but he did have faith the Alliance at least would come through.
"I think that is what is remarkable about Shepard," He said quietly "She has this way of making you see things you didn't think about before…" He frowned, feeling the truth of those words as he gave Garrus a small smile "If anyone can do this it's her."
"I suppose you are right." Garrus said at last. "I don't know much about her, but I have learned a lot from her," He said quietly. "I'm going to go and get my gear together. Nice talking to you."
Hobbs gave him a small nod as the turian got up from the table and walked away; he hoped he was right. He hoped he hadn't just told a grave lie. He did believe in Shepard, but things were getting complicated fast and no-one was in a position to say something except him, and that made it awkward.
The subject would be clumsy coming from him regardless, but it nevertheless had to be done. Taking a deep breath he leaned back in the plastic lunch chair; it was time to batten down the hatches, soon he would be facing hurricane Shepard.
"Tell me." He murmured against her hair, his fingers stroking into the length of it, drawing it away from her face where she lay with her back pressed into him. Their legs were tangled under the sheets still, her head tucked onto her arm she was carefully turned away from him, so he couldn't see the pain in her eyes, or the fear. He didn't need to see that.
He was curled into her protectively, half sitting up against the headboard, one hand in her hair, the other tucked under her head carefully and she relished the warmth of his fingers under her head. Watching the FTL stream above them she pondered how safe he could make her feel, how secure and terrified all at once.
"I don't remember," She said gently. "I remember talking about turians, I remember his cologne – but I can't remember his face." She swallowed ."I remember his study, the books and his desk and the pictures behind it. He had this one quote from an ancient movie that I always thought looked so corny among his trophies up there – 'Once more into the fray, into the last good fight I'll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day."She shook her head gently. "I never asked him about it, it was after… it was Captain Anderson who told me he kept it because he had wanted to be a marine at one time." Her voice strained as she forced the words out "I guess it doesn't matter now though…I don't even… "
He took a deep breath, pressing his lips to her shoulder gently, "John Shepard raised you Abigail," He said softly. "For all intents and purposes he was your father – he… he loved you. That much was clear from the records… you don't need to wonder about that."
"I don't know what to feel Kaidan." She said quietly. "I thought it was all behind me, and it seems the more I uncover the worse it gets. How am I supposed to know who I am?"
He kissed her head gently "I know who you are." He whispered. "I'll always be here Shepard."
Shepard closed her eyes, drawing strength from the soft spoken words, her eyes welling with tears as she nodded gently. "I hate how you make me feel Kaidan." She said brokenly, the tears forced their way from under her lashes anyway, and his hand moved to wipe them away turning her gently to face him.
"You make me feel so warm." She said quietly "After a lifetime of being cold… it scares the hell out of me."
"I know." Was all he said, and they lay there a moment in comfortable silence.
After a while Kaidan moved, shifted behind her, rising from the bed to cross to the ensuite where he disappeared inside and Shepard rolled onto her front, tucking her arms under her pillow to rest her head. It smelled of him, and she smiled at how foolish she felt breathing in his scent when he was only in the next room, but she didn't care.
While she was alone she could be as much of a girl in love as she wanted to be.
She heard the toilet flush, wriggling so she still looked asleep as the door opened again. She closed her eyes, smiling as she felt his weight press on the edge of the bed. He reached a hand over, fingers grazing her thigh as he tickled the back of her knee playfully.
She stayed still, playing possum with him, her face turned away he paused as he considered whether she had actually fallen asleep or not. She felt him move again, the mattress sinking further as more weight pressed next to her.
She heard him take a breath, drawing her teeth over her bottom lip as she crushed her eyes closed "You've been on my mind," He sang gently, and she felt his breath whisper over the back of her calves "I grow fonder every day, lose myself in time – just thinking of your face."
His lips pressed to her skin, fluttery and sweet on the back of her thigh and she drew a shallow breath, unable to break the moment by turning to look at him and so remained still as he continued to sing quietly.
"God only knows, why it's taken me so long to let these doubts go." Another kiss, a little higher on her thigh this time. "You're the only one I want."
The weight shifted, his mouth grazing the dimples at the bottom of her spine. "I dare you to let me be…" He sang softly. "Your one and only. I promise I'm worth it, to hold in your arms." His mouth curved into a smile, the jig was up and she realized with a start she had been holding her breath. And he knew it too.
"Come here." He said gently, coaxing, and his hand slipped into hers, pulling her gently from the bed. She gripped the sheet to her, still naked underneath it and was relieved to see Kaidan at least had his boxer shorts on, reluctantly moving with him as he pulled her to him, feet on the cold floor as he wrapped his arms around her gently. She laid her head on his chest, the stark difference in their height apparent as she listened to the low thud against his ribcage.
He took her hand, swaying her gently and when she looked at him his dark eyes were glittering with mischief as he began to sing gently again. "Come on and give me the chance." He smiled "To prove I am the one who can-" He spun her in a circle, bringing her in close against him once more."Walk that mile, until the end starts…" Gently, he pressed his mouth to hers and she laughed against him.
"How can you be two different people in there Kaidan?"She whispered, leaning her head on his chest lightly as they swayed. "I'm so glad I met you finally."
"I don't think I am." He said gently "I just… don't talk much."
"Where did you learn to dance?" She asked, as he pulled away from the kiss, swaying her gently still.
"Ballroom classes." He smiled "My mom made me go."
"Oh." Shepard nodded, teasing as she grinned wickedly."So you are gay."
He laughed then, his face mocking serious as he nodded."Oh yes." He said firmly. "The gayest."
She chuckled shaking her head "We should be getting to the bridge." She said gently. "We'll be at Ilos soon."
"No no no." He moaned, nuzzling her throat as he tipped her head back with firm movements. "We still have time Shepard…" He pressed a deep kiss to her neck, sweeping her legs from under her gently as he carried her back to the bed. "And that was only my first try."
"Uh… Commander, we have company." Joker's voice caught her attention and she turned in the crowded cockpit.
Frowning she glanced to the monitor. Ilos was just ahead of them, but surrounded by more than a dozen geth warships sitting dormant; waiting.
"Are the stealth systems still engaged?" She asked quickly and Joker nodded.
"Of course, we should be alright getting past them so long as no one… you know… looks out a window."
Behind her Navigator Pressly cleared his throat. "We're picking up some strange signals from the planet's surface Commander." He said and Hobbs moved from where he was standing to look over the man's shoulder.
"Take us down Joker." Shepard commanded "Lock onto their coordinates."
"Negative on that one Commander." Hobbs said, "The nearest landing zone is reading almost two klicks away."
Kaidan shook his head, moving carefully toward Shepard."We'll never make it on time by foot." He argued. "Find somewhere closer."
"There is nowhere closer!" Navigator Pressly cried. "I've looked!"
Shepard frowned, glancing to Kaidan who mirrored her own expression. They had made it all the way here, through everything and were now about to be done over by logistics. "Drop us in the Mako." She said firmly and Kaidan's mouth ghosted a smile as he gave her a nod of understanding.
"But you need at least a hundred metres of open terrain to pull off a drop like that!" Pressly said sharply, the stress making the man's voice rise "The most I can find here is 20!"
"That's suicide." Hobbs said, glancing back at the Commander with a worried look – that had never stopped her before.
"We have to try." Kaidan reasoned, his face darkened by the probability of death.
"Find another landing zone." Hobbs said, turning his attention back to Pressly and the monitor hotly.
"There is no other landing zone!" Pressly cried, but nevertheless his hands were a fury of blur as he worked over the console.
"That descent angle is too steep Shepard." Hobbs warned, as though he were reading her mind. He knew she was desperate enough to risk it all.
"It's our only option." Kaidan argued, his eyes locking with Hobbs' and holding his gaze unwavering.
"Well," Hobbs snorted "Look who peeked in his shorts and found a pair." He ground out. "It's suicide Lieutenant."
"We are out of –"
"I can do it." Joker said suddenly, nodding heavily as he looked to Shepard.
She glanced to the pilot, to her friend, her eyebrows rising "Joker?"
"I can do it." He said firmly.
"Alright, gear up and get into the Mako." Shepard ordered "Joker, drop us right on top of that bastard." With that she was moving, Kaidan filing out in front of her as he rushed down the gangway and Hobbs moved in behind her.
"You're taking Alenko?" He asked gently and she forced the smile from her face as she glanced over her shoulder.
"I'm taking the Lieutenant." She said as she walked "Is that a problem?"
Hobbs paused, catching her hand and stopping her as she spun to face him "You might want to ask yourself that question." He said gently."Think about it Tempy… is it wise to take him with you? Are you going to be able to focus, to get it done?" He frowned. "To make the choice if it comes?"
Abigail frowned, shaking her head at him "Hobbs what are you talking about? How dare you ask if I can focus… I'm not an idiot!"
He took that easily, rolling with it, pulling her into the lift with him before the conversation got any deeper.
"I'm not saying you'll be…" He sighed. "What if he gets injured Shepard? What if he gets killed? Will you be functional? What if you have to choose between him and the mission success? Can you make that choice?"
She looked at him, her mouth open as his words sank in deep "Of course I can." She said tightly. "Don't question me like that again."
"Ok then." Hobbs said, giving her a nod.
The elevator stopped and they filed out, glancing at Kaidan in his armour as he climbed into the Mako she closed her eyes, taking a steadying breath – No.
No was the answer. And as she strode to her locker she prayed for the first time in a long time; prayed long and hard it would not be a choice she would be forced to make.